I’d like to do a little series of blog entries on codependency, counterdependency, and giving. I’m not sure how many posts it will entail, but it’ll be a few. (I know I promised not to use too many big therapy-type words, but I’ll give you some definitions, because I sure as heck didn’t know what they meant a few years ago before I started my recovery work! I had never even heard of them.) So anyway, let’s just jump on in, starting with those definitions.
Codependency manifests itself in many ways. The textbook symptoms are passivity, being other-oriented, overly needy, not having a strong voice, etc. Codependents do not have good boundaries with others. But if you really look underneath these behaviors closely and honestly, there actually lies the exact opposite of them as well: all codependents have an equally strong, mostly hidden, concurrently functioning counterdependent side, too. They inherently are, and can for a short time become, independent, overly confident, self-centered, and have a very loud voice also. I’ve heard it described as “the Coke bottle effect.” If you have a warm bottle of Coke and shake it up, eventually when the top is popped, you are going to be covered with a sticky mess. That’s what happens with codependents. The counterdependent side shows itself when they are pushed beyond what they can bear because of their weak boundaries and unmet needs. Allow me to explain further.
Codependents seemingly work and work for the benefit of others, selflessly giving to meet others’ needs. When it comes to their own needs however, they are too passive, and they do not have a strong enough voice to ask that their own needs get met. They lack good boundaries and let others take from them until they are emotionally, and sometimes even physically, depleted. None of this is news; there are multiple books available discussing codependency, and I’m betting you all know someone like this or are someone like this! I would like to explore a bit deeper what is underneath these behaviors, and in later posts, some other ways that codependency can manifest itself that are less mainstream.
Now, I’m gonna rock your codependent world. Ready? Being other-oriented in a codependent way is actually in a strange paradoxical sense self-serving. Yes, you read that correctly. A selfish codependent? That’s an oxymoron, right? How can someone who gives so much to others be labeled “self-serving”? In one simple way, by being selfless you can put yourself in the position of a martyr. You codependents out there, be honest with yourself. Why are you letting yourself be so other-oriented that you become worn down and tired of it all? What’s the payoff? You ARE getting a payoff, or you wouldn’t be doing it.Is doing for others turning you into a (pardon me) nag? Are you routinely sarcastic and cutting, or maybe a tad whiny? Or maybe you just collapse at the end of the day, emotionally exhausted? Can you take a look at yourself and be that honest?
All of this is because of the real, underneath reason you are “serving others”: because of your underlying need for attention, acceptance, or both. You may have a hard time seeing or admitting it, but give yourself a little test. If you feel drained by all you give instead of energized, or if you feel like you can only give if the recipient is grateful, or if you feel under-appreciated…then you ARE driven by these motivating factors. Look deep and be truthful with yourself, and you will see that I’m right.
You need others to tell you what a great person you are, how wonderful your giving is, and to be well-thought-of , respected, or liked for all you do. You have a need to be thanked. You have a need to be validated. Maybe you just want to be a “good person.” You want God to think well of you and bless you. You want to be a good CHRISTian. It could be any number of reasons that are motivated by a desire to “be good.” (And let me just say, it’s not bad to want to be good!) But the truth is, if you get worn down and tired out by giving of yourself, you absolutely are looking for and getting something in return for what you give, and that makes it ultimately self-serving and unhealthy. It stings, but it’s the truth.
Which need are you trying to get people (or even God) to fill: acceptance or attention? When you give, what are you expecting in return? Giving with an expectation of something in return is not truly giving, it’s trading. And you are expecting something in trade that the other person more than likely did not agree to!! (I would also add that it has no component of grace to it! Grace is impossible in the presence of expectation.) Ultimately, your motivations are self-serving, and out pops your counterdependence. If you feel depleted or are looking for something in return, you are giving to try to get some of your underlying needs met, and you are not having good boundaries with whatever is depleting you. You are being codependent and simultaneously counterdependent, and not as graceful and giving as you think you are. That’s the unhealthiness I want to illuminate.
That’s enough for now. Chew on it awhile and tell me what you think. Look again soon for the next installment; I have a lot more to cover!
Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.
©2010, Nancy Eisenman
