So we left off talking about how many codependents actually expect a trade instead of truly giving. I wanted to expound on that a little bit. You know, when a codependent person interacts with people in this way, expecting others to meet their needs in trade without asking them, it really is a form of manipulation. That’s a pretty harsh word, but that’s really what it is. Think about it, they’re doing something nice for someone so they’ll unwittingly give them what they need back. And if/when the person doesn’t meet their needs, or give-in to their manipulation, they get bitter.

Codependents are almost inevitably very bitter people if they are over the age of about 30-35, having lived for years giving (manipulating) with little or nothing in return. They are basically holding a grudge because people have not given in, read their minds, and have had good boundaries! In couples relationships, many times codependents give up, go “Coke-bottle” a few times too many, cut-off from their spouse sexually or otherwise, go to counseling or a lawyer, and end up not being able to get over their perceived betrayal of their mate who’s not meeting their needs. These folks feel as though they’ve been victimized. If you find yourself feeling as though this is describing you…let’s just give this mentality a good yank right now. You have NOT been victimized. You have been a willing participant in allowing what your life has been like, not leaving sooner, choosing your mate, and saying “I do.” Those that do not inwardly digest this truth will more than likely end up divorced, and move on to another relationship where the same pattern will begin again.

I wanted to cover another idea in this post as well. Not all giving is selfish or manipulative. I am not talking about healthy giving behavior. I’m talking about codependence. You might ask, “How can I tell the difference? If I am thinking I’m selfless and good and others are benefitting etc., does that automatically mean I’m really a selfish codependent underneath?” That is a resounding NO. This may sound simplistic, but the difference really is in the attitude. Give yourself a little litmus test by asking yourself a few questions:

• “How do I feel during and after my ‘service’ to others? Do I feel angry? Resentful? Fulfilled?”

• “Did I expect a ‘thank you’ that I didn’t receive?”

• “Do I really have the time or inclination to do this?”

• “When I was asked to do this, did I want to say ‘no’?”

• “If I wasn’t asked to do this, and I’m not enjoying it, why is that?”

Think about if you are giving out of the joy and excess love in your heart, or if you are giving because you want something in return. Anything at all: praise, thanks, for the other person to give you what you need back, or to be appreciated. Or are you doing it because you enjoy whatever you are doing for your family, friends, church, coworkers, etc.

The second insight that really helped me can be paraphrased by a comment I made on another blog on this very topic.  This is what I wrote:

“I think it’s very difficult to reconcile wanting to be selfless, and…our true, healthy neediness. As a CHRISTian, I’ve lived my life as other-focused and giving and selflessly as I could. Then I learned through counseling that I needed to have good boundaries and stand up for myself and my own needs. Reconciling the two outlooks that seemed so opposite each other was SO difficult! On the one hand, I didn’t get what I needed and felt empty, and on the other hand I was being selfish and was not being a good CHRISTian. Catch 22!  Standing up for my own needs felt selfish, at first for sure. As I have gotten more emotionally healthy though, I have realized that it’s really a kind of paradox: taking care of me, and not abandoning myself or my own needs, allows me to then turn around and truly, selflessly, and almost tirelessly have a joyful well-spring of love for others. And instead of draining me, caring for others really energizes me. But it was hard for me to understand/realize that it would be that way, particularly early in recovery.”

That’s a lot more to digest, so I’ll leave it there for now. Check back in a day or two, if you can stomach it…I’ve got more!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.

©2010, Nancy Eisenman