When I read an article, book, or blog, I always try to find truths about myself, my own situation, and the world in general. I am a die-hard truth-seeker. I ask myself, how can I learn and grow from this information? This time though, the truth is that I’m really not feeling very stuck right now. Don’t get me wrong…I’ve been stuck in my own mud but good on many occasions. Right now, though, I’m chasing my dreams and living freer than I ever have because of my hard work on my own recovery. I know though, that it takes diligence to not get stuck again, and practice and time to become better at staying unstuck and knowing where the mud is so I can avoid it. I’m not blind to a few places where I AM stuck yet and I’m working on them, and I’m pretty sure that I’ll find out that I am blind to a couple places yet, too!

That’s what I wanted to talk about today…that hidden stuckness. Where we are stuck but we don’t even realize it. Since by definition I can’t see my own hidden stuckness, hence the word “hidden”, I will talk about a hidden stuckness I see in a dear friend of mine who is not ready to face it, and maybe it will help you see some of your hidden stuckness, too. (You know we can all see the splinter in someone else’s eye FAR better than we can see the log in our own! If it weren’t true, we could all fix ourselves! That’s why people seek counseling!)

So this friend of mine has a big hurt from something that happened a long time ago. For the past several years now, she has had an excellent geographical boundary with the person who hurt her, and never sees him. (It’s called “cutoff.” Can ANYONE out there relate to this?) This keeps the hurt as a “thing of the past” in her feelings, she rarely thinks of it, which takes the edge off, and she feels like she has healed and is “over it.” And you know, she may have done more healing about it than I even know about…completely possible! All I really need to know, however, to know that she is really stuck underneath and not completely healed, is that she refuses to tell this person that she forgives him, and still harbors a tremendous disdain for him. And you know what? By our human standards, he doesn’t really deserve forgiveness anyway! He did, after all, hurt her badly. Even though she was not a victim and had a part to play in the situation, she is correct that he did, too, and he did in fact do some things very wrong.

Most people think that forgiving someone will only ensure that the offensive behavior will happen again. Like forgiving is conveying the message that what that person did was OK when it really wasn’t. In reality though, the opposite is true. By not forgiving, she is ensuring it will happen again! She is also ensuring that she will never be free from it, the bondage of that resentment and unforgiveness will remain for as long as she chooses to hold on to it. It’s so hard to lay things like that down, and even harder once you do, to not pick them back up! Grace really is the only chance to stop the stuckness, not continuing to insist that she is healed and trying to forget about it and move on. Ignoring and denying a part of her that is stuck because she’s now used to it and doesn’t want to face the hard challenge of forgiving him to his face doesn’t make her any less stuck. In fact it is the very thing that keeps her stuck.

Harboring resentment for someone who has hurt you announces loud and clear that you have an area where you are stuck, not truly completely healed and self-differentiated, not graceful, and are actually still tied to that person in an unhealthy way. In therapy, this is the first thing that clients must learn from their therapist: stop looking at the other person and what they did, and concentrate solely on your own issues! What they did is for them to look at and own, not for you to attempt to change for them. With the help of a good counselor, you can learn how to use the conflict with the person you are in a relationship with (spouse, friend, or otherwise) to illuminate areas that you need to work on inside you. By holding on to ill feelings toward someone for something in the past, you only work to keep the focus on them and not your own issues, and keep yourself stuck. “But he…” or “But she…” is the battle cry of everyone trying to focus too much on the other person and not themselves and what they need to learn and change within. Freedom and recovery come from humility, teachability, and introspection; not blaming and trying to change the other person. Believe me, that just will not work, I’ve tried it at length!

If you can honestly and humbly forgive another when they don’t deserve it, (true grace) and not continue the strong dislike, or even hatred, of the other person, you can then say that you have begun to heal and move on. You can see the other person as “OK, who they are, and as healthy as they are, and not healthier” and can achieve freedom from the situation and the pain associated with it through acceptance. You can instead look on them with compassion and grace, and in-so-doing release the burden of hatred and receive the freedom of true healing. Keep in mind the truth that your hatred is not nearly as toxic to the person you hate as it is to you. Just puke it!

If you’ve got this scenario going on, get into a detox program…with a therapist or pastor etc…someone who can help you see things objectively. Learn to forgive and accept to achieve freedom from your stuckness. Maintain good boundaries with people who are not safe, of course; I’m not suggesting otherwise. (I don’t think my friend should trust the person that hurt her to be careful with her feelings, because there is a good chance he won’t, and he has not earned that trust from her. She should forgive him AND keep her distance.  Give the forgiveness time to work in their heart.)

For your own sake, learn what there is to learn from the people you don’t get along with. Those relationships can tell you more about yourself and where you need to heal than your warm fuzzy relationships ever will. Your painful relationships are meant to refine you and teach you about yourself. You can learn, or you can stay stuck and miserable, you get to choose!

Thanks for stopping by. More soon.

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.

©2010, Nancy Eisenman