I have had the same word coming up over and over in my mind, crossing my path in several different situations and contexts, for the past few months. For whatever reason, it’s just been a glaring theme that keeps popping into my head. To me, that says it’s time for a blog! Read on with caution, though, because I’m about to share with you a sort of new potential “swear word.” Have you ever heard of the potentially dastardly and dangerous “E” word? (And no, I’m not talking about an electronic word!)

What word is that? It’s a happiness and contentment killer. It’s a mindset that encourages us to be judgemental. It’s a relationship trap. It describes a potentially damaging state of mind called “Expectation.” We can have directionally positive or negative expectations, and both can be bad news. An example of a negative expectation would be a prejudice. A prejudice really is an expectation of someone to act or behave a certain way based on how they look, etc. An example of what could be called an (overly) positive expectation would be thinking, “I should have gotten 3 times this much from you for my birthday!”

All of us have expectations. At times, they can keep us safe. We expect that if we jump in a lake full of hungry alligators that we just might be killed and eaten by an alligator! It’s how we learn and how we can anticipate what might happen next in any given situation. We go to school with the expectation that someone will be there to teach us something. Our expectations are based on our experiences, both in childhood and with people we are in relationships with for any length of time throughout our lives. We develop expectations for people in general, (civilizations, groups, and random individuals) and for specific people with whom we are in a closer relationship.

Expectations can be so very dangerous, however, if they are not vigilantly monitored, tended to, and kept at a reasonable level. They can so quickly, and sometimes stealthily, become unreasonable and cause us to become manipulative, controlling, or even hateful. They can become joy-thieves. I’ll give you just a few examples of where the pitfalls can be:

1. Be especially careful on what I call “Days of Love”. These would include Valentine’s Day, Mother’s and Father’s Day, birthdays, CHRISTmas, etc. On days where the world or customs tell us it is time to show our loved ones how much we care, we can fall into a trap of expectation. Consider the pain inflicted on the giver when a gift or gesture is deemed “not good enough.” It is shaming, critical, and it is an attempt to control, or I like to say “yank” love out of someone; perhaps more than they are willing or inclined to give. (When a child deems a gift to be not good enough, they may be called a “spoiled brat.” I know many-a spoiled brat adult, and their continued inflated expectations, although sometimes more subtle, do NOT get easier to stomach with age!) Try to accept and remember this: You will never get true, heartfelt love by trying to yank it out of your sweet one, or by having the attitude that what they have done is not good enough. Instead, love without expectation of what you will get in return. Receive even small gifts as what they are…acts of genuine love.
2. Watch for e-word dangers at work. There can be too high expectations placed on bosses, coworkers, or employees that can cause all sorts of problems ranging from burnout to back-biting, making for a very unpleasant and unproductive work environment.
3. Be careful what you expect from your kids. Remember to consider their age and emotional maturity before confronting them on unmet expectations. This can be SO damaging to them, causing shame issues, insecurities, abandonment, and more.

Now, no more swearing! Keep expectations on a tight leash. Give the love you want instead of yanking or criticizing what you get. That’s how to prepare the feast that you really yearn to dine on…genuine abundant love and joy!

That’s it for today! Thanks for stopping by.

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.

©2010, Nancy Eisenman