Thank you for stopping by the Waiting Room today. I’m so glad you did! Today’s topic is actually inspired by request…I have a few friends who read my blog who are either close to folks who are dealing with affair issues or are in an affair themselves, etc. I’m deeply humbled to be asked to blog about what I think about this pain-filled topic. I hope anyone reading this who knows someone going through an affair from any perspective can glean at least one tiny tidbit they can use to help themselves or someone else.

The first thing I would say is that there is just SO much to say! It’s a topic that needs and deserves more than just a short blog, but I’ll try to cover some of the major bullet-points, perhaps in a short series of posts. If you want to read more about it, I’ll have some good resources that I’ll list at the end as well. For now, though, let’s jump right into the deep end and swim our little hearts out!

Most importantly, the first thing that you must hear, absorb, and inwardly digest if you are the cheated-upon spouse is that you are not, repeat NOT, a victim! Sorry to break that to you. I am not minimizing your pain at all, or trying to whack you when you’re down.  I really do hate to just come right on out and say it so bluntly, but sweetie, if this is you, you’re just not a victim of your “lyin’, cheatin’, 2-timin’ spouse.” It’s something you have to hear. Even though it seems harsh and maybe even wrong, I’m telling you this not to hurt you, but to give you a fighting chance of possibly saving your marriage. (…and because it’s the truth!) I realize that saving your marriage may not be possible depending on several factors, but at least this seemingly harsh yet actually loving statement can get YOU on a road to healing yourself. When it comes down to it, you are the only person you can change.

The universe allows us to be attracted to our parents/caregivers worst qualities. It seems like a cosmic joke, but really it is they way we are healed if we let it. If you learn to look at your pain as a gift from the universe (after you stop laughing and saying “ya, right Nance”….read on…I really am serious!), you can learn where you were hurt as a kid, grieve that pain, heal from it, and learn to see, understand, and cope with it. You can learn to let those walls become more permeable and to use healthier ways to deal with it instead of cutting off, playing the victim, or becoming a “control-freak.” Seeing yourself as victimized by your cheating spouse is the best way to not only halt any healing that could have come from this pain, along with driving the death-nail into the coffin of your marriage, but doing so will also ensure that if you get into another relationship down the road, you will choose another cheater to love, just with a different face. Pretty good motivation to figure this stuff out, huh?

Instead of trying to play a victim role, plant your hind-quarters firmly onto a gifted therapist’s couch. Open your eyes and ears to the realities of your issues.  It will be extremely difficult to see those issues, and not fall into a victim mentality, without some good guidance.  Let them help you learn, grieve, grow, and heal from this absolutely excruciating experience. Gather some meaning from the pain. It’s difficult, but it’s worth it!  Stop by again soon and we’ll cover some more ground with this issue.

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.

©2010, Nancy Eisenman