Thanks for stopping by today!  I apologize that I have not been blogging more often lately…grad school is proving demanding of my extra time.  I appreciate you coming again to read my latest post.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about boundaries, and more to the point, how to have good ones without cutting off from others or being overly aggressive.  It struck me the other day when I was talking with a friend, and she was describing the need to “fiercely defend her boundaries”. I wondered how massive the attack must have been to require such a fierce defense. Turns out, the thing that was threatening my friend’s boundaries would have been, for most people (metaphorically), a baby kitten!  There was a bit of an overreaction going on, with my friend feeling like a T-Rex was threatening her gates.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am all for having good boundaries. They are absolutely necessary in a world full of sinners like us. I wonder though, if we can learn something about ourselves from our boundaries….the ones we find it necessary to have.  For example, do you have a boundary with your spouse about leaving their clothes on the floor? What is it about that, that makes you so reactive?

Boundaries are for guarding places that are painful to us, even the simple ones like needing someone to pick up after themselves. So when someone causes you to be “fierce” (or even reactive) can you see the pain underneath that is causing your ferocity, and the need for that boundary?  Heal the pain underneath and your walls won’t have to be nearly as strong, nor your reactions nearly as fierce.  Your walls will be more permeable, and love and intimacy can flow through them more easily.

We can learn to have good boundaries without being fierce about it. Strong, but not aggressive. Immovable without reactivity. Stand up for how we feel without needing to squish the other person like a bug. It takes finesse. It can be learned in your head pretty quickly, but being able to put it into practice regularly takes time, practice, and healing… mastering it in your heart. It’s learning to see others not as T-rexes, but as hurting kids in adult bodies. I love this thing my co-worker Jerry says, “You can say almost anything to anyone, if you’re moving toward them when you say it”. That doesn’t mean you should lean in to someone’s grill while you’re telling them to back off, I’m not talking about physical proximity; but instead to see them lovingly, as a “+”, as though inviting them toward your acceptance…into your understanding of their needs and pains.  Give them a safe place to exist while explaining what’s going on.

Aggressiveness, reactivity, and the need to be fierce are all things that push others away. It may seem like that’s the goal when someone is invading our boundaries.  ”Get the heck away from me!”  Right?  Get the other person to back out of your space and never want to come in again, lest they meet your sturdy defenses!  I think a better, (paradoxical) and more effective overall approach is to move toward them by keeping my own reactivity in check, and seeing them as someone who is hurting, too. A kitten, not a t-Rex.

Look deeper than your boundaries to the underlying pain.  See others as little kids who are in just as much pain as you are. Nurture them instead of snapping at them.  That’s what will eventually stop them from continuing to infringe on your boundaries more in the future.  After all, meeting someone’s strong defenses most of the time just tells the other person that your boundaries call for heavier artillery.  Less need for defenses invites peace and cooperation.  Knowing yourself, where you end and everyone/everything else begins, is the key.  Not easy, but you can do it!

See you again soon.

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.

©2010, Nancy Eisenman