I think the biggest problem with two well-meaning, smart, people trying to exchange information is their hearing.  No, I’m not talking about being able to hear audible sounds per se, but the filters over our ears and eyes through which we translate the messages we are receiving.  We all grow up with our own world views being shaped by the events of our lives and all of the things that happen to us growing up.  We develop our own set of “truths” about what the world is like, and what the world isn’t like.  Then we go out and find people to be in relationships with who will support and confirm our life-truths.  Even the ugly ones that we don’t want to believe, and may even consciously think we DON’T believe, but really underneath we do.  Things like “I’m not worth it”, “I’ll never be good enough”, or “I can’t trust anyone”.

Oddly enough, when we are grown, we feel awkward and uncomfortable when our self-truths are challenged, and we avoid those situations….even the good ones, and especially the good ones, that we say we want!  Like someone who feels unworthy will feel uncomfortable around people who treat them as though they are!  Let me give you some examples. Do you know anyone who feels completely uncomfortable receiving a heartfelt compliment?  Underneath, they don’t feel worthy of praise and thanks.  If I own a self-truth that says “I’m not worthy of a man who will love me for who I am, be faithful to me, and treat me with respect,” guess what?  I’m going to marry a cheater who loves me for what I can give him, and who doesn’t respect me for it.  That’s my normal, and that’s what love is.  It’s my truth.  We will choose to be in a relationship or marry someone not only capable, but who will for sure treat us the way our self-truth tells us we should be treated.  In other words, if your spouse treats you badly in some way, look at your self-truths.  Deep down, in your core, they will match.  That’s why what they are saying or doing hurts you so much, they are re-injuring your deepest wounds, (and you are doing the same to them, by the way!).  I’ve gotta tell you, too, they will absolutely keep doing so until you find a way to change the way you handle this situation, with good boundaries, true communication, and healing your own wounds!

See, being able to talk to each other so you can understand what each of you is trying to say is less of a problem than the way you hear each other through your own filters and issues.  The discomfort of our partners continually affirming our deepest pains makes us unable to listen.  Looking inward at the self-truths that lead you to pick someone who hurts you in just the right spots is the key to understanding, reducing reactivity, and really being able to hear what your partner is saying.  Get to know yourself, so you can be heard.  Then you can get to know your spouse by hearing what they are really saying instead of hearing your own issues talking.

Thanks for stopping by once again!  Finals last semester and our office moving and school restarting after CHRISTmas has had me hoppin’, so I haven’t posted as much as I’d have liked.  I’ll try to post a little more often!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.

©2011, Nancy Eisenman