What?  What the heck does that mean, right?  That’s what I would like to discuss today.  Grab a cup of coffee (I’m having Wild Mountain Blueberry, yummy!) and let’s get to it.

One of my many mentors, Jerry Wise, brought up this “Intentionally Counter-Intuitive” phrase to me not so long ago.  I really had to stop and think about it.  I had to break it down to understand…Intuitive…OK, that means like intuition, like what I would naturally be inclined to do in a given situation.  This is what my feelings, reflexes, and gut would tell me to do.  OK, I got that.  Counter-, the opposite of my intuition.  Got it.  Intentionally…that means I’m going to do something on purpose, consciously, and by choice.  So I’m going to purposefully and consciously choose to do the opposite of what my feelings and reflexes are telling me to do.  Huh?  Why would I do that?  Aren’t I always supposed to follow my heart and go with my gut?

In systems thinking, all people are part of a whole system, and the system has grown accustomed to how each member is going to behave.  In fact, if I change how I interact with the system, it will react strongly in the other direction at first to try to get me back to where I was.  It can look very much like a 2 yr old throwing a temper tantrum.  For example, if I have always given-in everytime my spouse tells me what to do, and then I one day choose to stand up for myself and not do what he/she tells me to do…my spouse is going to get very reactive and angry about that.  He/she will over-react to get me to relent yet again and stay where I belong in the system.

So in order to make changes, I have to not only overcome the discomfort of changing what I’m doing inside of me, I also have to overcome the backlash of the system reacting to my changes and trying to keep me behaving the way I always have.  See why real change is so difficult?  That’s the bad news.

The good news is that if I hold firm in my changes by knowing myself and having the courage to stay the course and deal with any consequences of my changes, I can make the system adapt to the “new me.”  Eventually the system can figure out that I’m not going to change back, and it will change to fit me.  The parts of the system that don’t adapt to me will fall away, and although it can be painful, that’s a good thing.  They are the parts that are keeping me miserable and hurting me.  They need to either change or go away.

OK, so what does being intentionally counter-intuitive have to do with all of this?  The energy in the systems we have in place now is being fed by doing what we’ve always done.  It keeps the same dance going on and on.  We act in these systems based on our wounds, our walls, and our coping strategies that we developed in childhood.  Heal the wounds, drop the walls and replace them with strong boundaries, and learn more mature, differentiated ways of handling the same stimuli from the system, and what happens?  Change.  Not easy at first, but the changes within the system will come.  There will be over-reactions, temper tantrums, and waves of influence to make you go back to the way you were, but if you persist, the change will come.  That’s why I tell people that if your spouse won’t come to therapy, come by yourself anyway.  Changes in one person will change the system.

The best way to rob energy from the system and encourage change is by being intentionally counter-intuitive.  It is extremely difficult to do because it is contrary to what you’ve always done and it touches every fear inside.  Jerry said that he will sometimes tell folks, if you can’t be counter-intuitive and do the opposite of what you’ve always done, go for confusion!  When your buttons are getting pushed by your spouse or someone else, take out a copy of the Gettysburg Address and begin reading it!  They won’t know what the heck to do with that!  Isn’t that great?  At least you have interrupted the status quo!  By being able to stop the dance before it gains momentum, you can avoid the reactivity and pain of “the same old fight”.  Then you can talk about things without some of the reactivity.  (Don’t ignore it or rug-sweep it…get help if you need to, to talk about those touchy subjects.)

Knowing yourself well enough to be able to do this takes a lot of insight and practice.  A great therapist with the ability to name your wounds and help you develop the strength to be intentionally counter-intuitive can help you walk the path to a changed system.  It takes courage, vulnerability, teachability, trust, and motivation.  Do you have the courage to fight for the rest of your life?  No one can advocate for you but you.  Open your heart to the possibility that the rest of your life can be different, on the inside: peaceful, happy, and alive!  Lead your heart to healing instead of following it to the painful places where it has always gone.  Intentionally.  Today is the first day of the rest of your life.  Go for it!

Thanks for stopping by!  Peace and blessings.

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.

©2011, Nancy Eisenman