I have my colleague here at Family Tree, Kathy Henry LCSW, to thank for this particular analogy.  She has taught me so much about this subject, for which I am SO grateful!  First, let me explain what I mean by “gold.”  What I’m talking about is my love, my strength, my caring, my feelings, my gifts, and my heart:  those things that I give to those with whom I am in relationship, the very best parts of me, my relationship gold.

So Kathy and I were discussing my own relationship woes one particular day a few years ago, and she looked at me and said, “Nancy, you are still giving your gold away to those who don’t take care of it.”  What?  How could that be, I wondered?  After all, I was giving my love and strength to my relationship with my significant other, how could that possibly be the wrong place to give? Aren’t I supposed to look there to have my needs met, and give that relationship my “everything”, no matter what?

Now I need to apologize for answering my own question in such a frustrating manner, “yes, and no”, but I will explain what I mean.  Yes, your primary love relationship should get the firstfruits of your earthly gold-giving, but only if it remains safe to do so!  What if the wounds in the heart of your beloved are such that they take your gold and throw it away, or reject it altogether?  What if they choose to not care for your feelings, and don’t treat the gift you have to give them with gentleness and gratitude?  What if they give you crumbs of love in return?  If this is the case, they have not shown that they can be trusted to be safe keepers of your gold.  (This doesn’t make them a bad person, by the way; it means they are wounded, like you!)  When this happens, though, it is important to protect that deep, sensitive “self” inside of you that is hurting so badly!  So no, it is not about giving “no matter what” until you’re exhausted and resentful.  That is codependency and not having your own voice.  Love is unconditional, relationships are not.

At this point I need to give a few points of clarity so you don’t misunderstand what I’m saying.  I am not talking about becoming selfish.  I am talking about discernment:  good boundaries and choices.  Swinging too far to the other side of this would look like, “It’s all about me and what I want.”  Not so much.  It is about you loving yourself, not in a narcissistic way…but in an accepting way.  It’s also not about focusing on the other person and what they are doing or not doing.  This is all about how you truly, humbly, and beautifully accept yourself as a wonderful, loving creature…and then treat yourself as such, having good boundaries with anyone else who doesn’t.  Oddly enough, when you accept yourself fully, you can then truly give that unconditional love to others, insulating yourself with good boundaries instead of isolating yourself with painful walls.  Recently, I heard someone describe their new-found ability to do this as feeling “like Neo in the Matrix…I can dodge bullets!”  What an outstanding analogy!  That’s exactly how it feels!

There’s something else I need to mention…and that is that you are not being victimized by a gold-robber!  You chose the lunkhead you’re with so that he/she could hurt you just the way you are being hurt.  When we realize what is happening, it causes us to grow!  It’s God’s, nature’s, the Universe’s (whatever you want to call it) way of growing and healing us.  We finally begin to learn what we have not previously known, how to choose safe people, value ourselves, and love and protect our gold so we can teach people how to treat us and have safer relationships.  That gold thief is the best teacher you’ll ever have!  The reverse is also true, you are their best teacher and will help them grow, too!  I am also not talking about relational cut-off.  This is not about leaving angrily because you’re not getting what you want/need.  That is still focusing on your partner to fill you up instead of working on yourself from the inside.  Once you get that going on, you can love someone without cutting off OR losing yourself, and have boundaries without being critical and invasive.

Those people who won’t love, respect, and take care of your feelings need to either change their behaviors, or fall out of the immediate vicinity of your system.  You may need a “geographical boundary”, as Cloud and Townsend would say in their book, Boundaries.  That said, it is for you then also to treat others as you would like to be treated, and not ask for too much.  Make sure you’re not looking to other people to make you feel good enough or worthy of love.  That’s your job.  And make sure you’re not asking one person to meet ALL your needs.  No one on earth can be everything you need.

My deepest gratitude goes out to my best friend Kathy, for showing me what it feels like to have a safe relationship with someone who takes care of my gold.

If you would like to read another article on a similar topic, I recently read this and it is excellent.  It’s entitled ”You Never Marry The Right Person”:  http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationship/features/27749-you-never-marry-the-right-person

PS…half done with my Masters!!!!  Thanks for stopping by!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.

©2012, Nancy Eisenman