Welcome to The Waiting Room today!  It is a BEAUTIFUL fall morning, and I have just made myself a cup of Wild Mountain Blueberry coffee.  Yummy!  Curl up on your favorite comfy chair and join me for a short siesta.  Once again, today we are working on differentiation.

So I have posted before about this crazy differentiation word.  I will likely post about it again in the future as well.  You see, this notion of differentiation really IS “where it’s at.”  If you can work toward incorporating this concept, this way of thinking and relating, into your life…you will absolutely have not only greater peace inside your mind, but ALL of your interpersonal relationships will not be able to be anything but more healthy, balanced, fulfilling, safe, calm, close, loving….these wonderful words and many more.

To recap then, what is differentiation?  The simplest description of it I can come up with is this: “knowing who you really are, and having the ability to control your anxiety, (remaining non-reactive), to real or perceived fluctuations between emotional and relational closeness and distancing of others.”  OK, one more time in English… “to not freak out when you think someone is cutting off or pulling away from you, or trying to get too close or intimate.”  For example, you all know “commitment-phobes”…they have anxiety over someone getting too close.  What about the person who chases after the commitment-phobe?  They have fears about being alone.  How about a little less obvious…What about a husband that avoids/hates deep, connected, or intimate conversations?  What about a wife who is lonely?  This is all anxiety about closeness and distance.  We ALL have this going on inside of us to some extent.

I am here to tell you…controlling this anxiety inside is SOOO not an easy thing to pull off!  Not even kidding.  Sakes!  It first takes an awareness of what it is and when you’re doing it, no small feat, and then you have to be able to act counter-intuitively to how you have always acted while protecting yourself from emotional wounding.  It is un-learning your learned defensiveness and facing your worst fears head-on.  You literally have to overcome the natural protective instincts of the most powerful part of your brain, sometimes referred to as your “Lizard Brain” or “Reptilian Brain”, which I have blogged about before. Beware The Timeless Lizard

Let’s work a little deeper on this today, and move toward a better understanding of what differentiation looks like.  I attended a training given by our resident expert on differentiation, Jerry Wise.  He gave us a sheet that describes the 5 characteristics of self-differentiation that I wanted to share with you.  Here they are:

• “A Sense of My Own Limits, And The Limits of Others.  A clear understanding of where I end and someone else begins; respect for the right of others to be the way they are, but refusing to allow others to intrude upon one’s own rights; defined from within, rather than adapting to please others.
• Clarity About What I Believe.  What would I die for, and what’s not worth it?  Of what am I certain, and of what am I not so certain?
• Courage To Take Stands.  Defining where I stand and what I believe, in the face of disapproval; refusing to give in to another when it is a matter of principle; capacity to stand firm in the face of strong reactions. (ex. “You can’t think, act, feel that way and be a part of this family!”)
• The Ability To Stay On Course.  Resolve to follow through toward a vision in spite of sabotage; emotional and spiritual stamina to stick with a lofty goal and not let others’ reactions change your course.
• Staying Connected In Spite Of It All.  Maintaining a relatively non-reactive give-and-take with those who are reacting to you, (easier said than done!); resisting the impulse to attack or cut-off from those who are most reactive to you.

The first three have to do with self-definition.  The last two have to do with self-regulation.  BOTH are necessary for a healthy relationship.  Definition of Self is a life-long process, in which we can only take small steps at any one time.  The essential capacity one must develop is that of self-regulation (taking responsibility for the management of one’s own anxiety and reactivity.)”  (Leave me a message if you want to know the source of this, and I will see if Jerry has it.)

Nowadays, most of the time I can call myself out when I am under the influence of my issues/wounds by admitting, “That was clearly not my most differentiated moment.”  Yep!  It takes a long time to get the hang of it, and then ya still slip sometimes.  While I have been working on this change in me for about 6 years now, and have a lot of really good successes, I still have my moments.  Oh boy, do I have my moments.

“So, then,” you ask, “why bother?  This sounds like a slow, arduous process.”  Yes it is, but the more I study and learn, the more I know that self-differentiation is the completely worthy goal and it is so incredibly powerful when it comes to inner and relational peace.  It’s lifelong, and difficult, and it’s not about “how-to lists”; but rather about hearing and learning from experiences and insights, followed by a readiness to grow and change.  Even small changes can make a huge difference in relationships and in your mind.  Changing your life’s focus and paradigm to a goal of continued differentiation will alter, for the better, both how you feel inside and how you interact and love everyone.

Thanks for reading, and have a differentiated day!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.

©2012, Nancy Eisenman