I am all about keeping things as simple as possible. What I have come to find is that, in the world of understanding human behavior and explaining it, it can become quite complex in a BIG hurry! People are simply complex organisms. The more I learn, the more I have found that meanings are hidden, causes may not be anywhere near the effect, and paradoxes are more the norm than the straight forward answer. So when I find something that helps make a concept easier, I love it! Today, what I have for you is a one question “test” to see if you or I are about to be, or have been, codependent. The reasons why this is an effective test are numerous and complex, but I’ll try to give a little glimpse. See what you think.

Before we get to the test itself, first let’s briefly define codependency. Codependency is summed up well with 4 characteristics: other-centeredness, needy, insecure, and passive. Those who struggle with codependency have a hard time saying “no”, even if saying “yes” means that they will be spread too thin, or they really want to say “no.” They tend to be martyr-like. They give-to-a-fault so others will accept them or think they are wonderful. They almost always put themselves and their needs last. I KNOW you know someone like this, you may be like this, and even if you aren’t a lot of the time, there are times when you can be. It’s extremely common.

OK, so, back to my test. How can I check myself to see if my current, past, or pending behavior is codependent? I have a question that will help determine this quickly. Actually, it’s two variants of the same question, depending on if you are trying to decide if what you are about to do is codependent, or if you have already done the deed. Here we go, ready?

• “If I do this, will I resent someone?”   OR
• “Do I resent someone, now that I have done this?”

Codependency, (and counterdependency too, for that matter) are about some sort of relational FUSION or enmeshment. Resentment is an excellent feeling to test, to take your “fusion temperature.” Now, this next sentence is going to sting a bit, if you really want to look a little deeper…ready? Testing your level of resentment is essentially testing the level of control and manipulation you are trying to inflict on the person you are resenting because of the fusion. This is a tough concept to grasp, because is takes a very deep level of humility to look at oneself with that clear of a laser scope. And, you may have never considered looking at it from that angle before. If you resent someone after you have done something for them, and they have not appreciated you enough, thought well of you enough, repaid you enough, or otherwise completed the unspoken trade you initiated with your behavior…there’s resentment.

So what you have given or done has not been about you giving freely or acting completely autonomously, it has been about getting something from the other person in return….translation: attempting to manipulate or control a behavior from the other person. When we are fused or enmeshed, we need to do this in order to get a wound deep in our hearts soothed. Maybe the wound looks like this voice in your head: “I don’t feel very good about myself, so YOU make me feel better about myself by telling me how great and selfless and giving I am.” Sorry. I know that is a big glimpse in an unflattering mirror. Can we be that real, though? In the quiet stillness in the depths of your mind, when you are all alone in a dark room with no one around, think about it. No one will judge you there, you can be completely vulnerable and honest with yourself.

Think about what you wanted the person you resent to give you, and then consider why you need it so much. Then, and here’s the big one, give it to yourself. Acceptance? Accept yourself, warts and all. Praise? Praise yourself for a job well done. Love? Love yourself. Know you are worthy of it. What is it you need to give yourself to feel better? Think about how invasive and hurtful it is to try to manipulate or control someone else into giving it to you. I know it stings to see it that way; but in order to change how we feel inside, we have to take a deep, hard look and call it what it is.

This manner of relating keeps you tied to others, needing them for you to feel OK, and it keeps you in a panic for how you’re going to keep the salve coming from them. You’ll trade your self to get it. I would encourage you to move through this current behavior and heal the wound so you don’t need the salve anymore.  Give what you’re longing for to yourself. Love and accept yourself. Become safe for the other person by not invading and controlling to get that need met. Find peace from the struggle of getting others to fill you up or soothe you. No trades; no manipulation; no control; no invasion; no anxiety about where the next fix of love, acceptance, or praise is coming from. Then you will be able to give, truly give, without resentment.

That’s what I have for you today. If you enjoy my blog, please feel free to forward the link or sign up for the mailing list that notifies recipients of when a new blog is posted. Any questions may be directed to neisenmanftca@gmail.com. Thank you for your support! My readers ROCK!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.

©2014, Nancy Eisenman

©2013, Nancy Eisenman