Sounds like an oxymoron, doesn’t it?  How can confidence and humility live together in the same phrase?  That is exactly what I want to discuss today.  Make yourself a cup of your favorite beverage and let’s tackle this unusual, seemingly oppositional idea.

I want to start by breaking this down into two halves.  Let’s start with “Confident”.  What does it mean to have confidence?  I think we can begin by describing the difference between confidence and arrogance.  There is a huge difference, although many folks use these terms interchangeably.  To me, confidence doesn’t have anything at all to do with being arrogant.  Arrogance is ego.  Arrogance is the attitude that “I’m all that and a bag of chips, and my you-know-what doesn’t stink.”  Confidence is believing in yourself and your abilities, but more importantly, in your worthiness to be loved.  Arrogance and ego cannot exist in the presence of humility.  Confidence can.  Arrogance is about pride, and humility is the opposite of pride.  Confidence is a belief that I can be the recipient of grace.  I can attain the radical acceptance of my worthiness of being loved not because of what I’ve done, but because I am.

What if we explain “worthiness of being loved” like this:  think about a baby who has just been born.  Are they perfectly lovable?  Yes.  Why?  They haven’t done anything good or bad.  They just are.  They are lovable because they are…they haven’t earned love or worthiness.  Yet we love them so very much.  The fact that we are worthy of love does not change with our age or falterings.  We are still completely lovable because we are.  We can have confidence in this fact. I have come to find, and I know this feeling personally, that people who have grown up with shame have a deep belief that they are not good enough.  When did we start to believe this lie?  Usually when we’re kids and we, quite arrogantly, take absolutely everything personally.  Then we take that belief into adulthood.  But is that really true…are we really not good enough to be loved?  We are not perfect, that is true.  I would like to suggest that we can be both imperfect and perfectly lovable simultaneously.  This is the heart of Confident Humility.

Having the confidence that we are worthy of being loved will sometimes feel like arrogance, but it is not if your heart is in the right place.  It is believing a truth about ourselves as a human being.  If you have spent your life as a “shame-ite” as I lovingly refer to them, (and myself, too!), you have spent your life having forgotten the truth that you are lovable simply because you are.  THAT is actually arrogant.  Shame is arrogant.  It insinuates a self-importance that is prideful.  Confidence that you are lovable, not because of anything you have done, is receiving grace.  You cannot earn grace, then it is no longer grace by definition.  Now, here comes the biggie…when you have the confidence that you are lovable because you are, and you have it all by yourself, you do not need it from anyone else.  You don’t have to trade to get it from anyone.  You don’t need anyone to tell you that you are good enough.  You don’t have to earn acceptance from anyone.  When you can do this, you become relationally safe.  Non-manipulative.  No trades.  No codependency.  No over-neediness.  You can let others be and do exactly what they choose without trying to change or manipulate them into giving you acceptance.  You give it to yourself by believing the truth of your lovability.

Now let’s move onto the “Humility” piece.  Now that I know that I am completely lovable because I just am, as a human being, how do I not only protect from having that grow into ego, pride, and arrogance, but also simultaneously acknowledge the fact that I am not perfect?  Humility.  Here’s what it looks like when you put it all together:  ”I know that I am lovable for no other reason than I am, but I acknowledge that I am SO not perfect, and I WILL hurt the people I love.  It is inevitable.  I cannot be perfect.  When I hurt you, I want you to tell me, because you will be helping me grow in the places where I am weakest, you are teaching me to be careful with your feelings, you are connecting with me by telling me what it is like to be you, and I want all of those things.  I never want to hurt you, so when I do, tell me so I can learn, grow, and change.”  This takes a tremendous amount of courage, because we have to admit our shadow side and our shortcomings to hear someone say “ouch” to us.

Humility must be balanced as well, same as confidence.  I do not want to become a feather at the  mercy of the wind, or a boat at the mercy of pounding waves.  I am not going to blindly accept every criticism of me that I hear as the gospel truth, either.  I am going to run it through my own truth about myself, and see if I can find truth in your point of view.  If I can look at myself humbly and see that you have a good point, I am going to integrate your feedback.  If you tell me something that is just not a part of how I see myself, I can still acknowledge your opinion as valid, even if I don’t agree.  You can still have a different opinion of me, and we may have to agree to disagree about things sometimes, but I can always connect with you and accept your truth for what it is…your truth.  I can be sensitive to that, and understand you without having to believe and change everything about me to be who you think I should be.  This is where it is so very important to “temet nosce” or “know thyself.”

So, to wrap this up, there is a balance to be had here.  Confidence that I am completely lovable for no reason other than I am a human being.  Humility to know that I am not perfect and never will be, and I will hurt the ones I am closest to from time to time.  When I do, I can apologize and grow, instead of becoming wounded that they do not see me as good enough.  I already know I am.  My confidence gives me the strength to be humble.  Isn’t that something?  It also makes me safe for others to be exactly who they are and not who I need them to be to feel OK.  Working on this in yourself will send ripples of change through every relationship you have, and draw others toward you.

That’s what I have for you today.  I wish you the confidence to know that you are loved, and the humility to realize you can be hurtful, and they both occur at the same time.  A difficult concept to grasp, let alone integrate.  Wow, is it worth the effort, though.  You and your relationships will never be the same because of it.

Nancy Eisenman, MSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.

©2014, Nancy Eisenman

©2013, Nancy Eisenman