It’s probably no surprise that the number one reason people give for picking up the phone and calling for a therapy appointment is “We just can’t communicate.”  Even if the reason is something else: infidelity, addiction, anxiety, or relationship issues with friends and family, most folks will trace the problem back and identify it as beginning with a lack of communication.  That’s exactly the topic I want to address today.

I have come to find that pretty much everyone that walks into our office is actually quite eloquent in communicating.  Go figure!  They are able to state how they feel or what they think with relative ease most of the time.  So why then these overwhelming reports of people who lack this ability?  I think the problem is less about the ability, or lack thereof, in communicating and more a problem of listening non-reactively and translating.

We are all the walking wounded.  We were hurt, and didn’t get enough love, affection, attention, and/or gentle nurturing as kids.  Little kids are voraciously needy creatures, and no two parents can give enough, and perfectly, to allow their kids to emerge into adulthood unscathed.  Just doesn’t happen.  It’s not about bad-mouthing parents.  We all do the best we can with what we’ve got, and parents are walking wounded from their own childhoods.  Everyone gets wounded.  So since we are wounded, we all have ouchies in our hearts that get poked from time to time, and we will invariably choose to be in a relationship with someone who is uniquely suited to hurt us and NOT meet our needs. That’s the law of attraction, backwards as it is.  So we live with those who hurt us most.  When something hurts, we react.  Anger.  We have to protect ourselves.  That’s not so hard to understand.

Not so surprisingly then, we think that people mean exactly what they say when they’re angry.  Not so much.  We actually want our partners, friends, and family to read between the lines and know how we feel underneath our words. The angry teenager inside us that comes out to protect our wounds says mean and hurtful things to get the other person to back away from our wounds.  We all do it, until we learn that we are doing it, and then we get better but STILL do it sometimes.  It OK, no shame in admitting it.  We speak out of defensiveness, and then wonder why our loved ones can’t hear the real problem and understand how we feel.  ”He just doesn’t listen.”  ”She can’t hear me.”  Nevermind that when we speak in this defensive way, we are hurting the other person in THEIR worst wound, causing their defensiveness to be stirred.  Now we’re doing our dance of anger.

I want to suggest an alternative course of action, a different translation if you will, when you hear your partner become angry or defensive.  What if you began to learn to hear what they are really saying underneath?  When your partner gets angry, what if you translate that in your head to “My partner is saying ‘ouch’.”  Isn’t that what they are really saying?  Look at it closely.  For example, Mary angrily says,  ”Bob, you didn’t pick up your socks for the 26th day in a row!”  What she is really saying is, “I feel like you you don’t appreciate the hard work I do to keep the house clean.”  What her anger is really saying is “Ouch, I am not appreciated!!!”  Instead of hearing “ouch” and responding with compassion to the real hurt feeling underneath the anger, Bob hears, “You are a bad spouse and you forget all of my needs, you piece of crap!”  Ouch!!!  Now Bob responds with defense of his own…and says, “I work outside the home all day, and picking up socks is your job!”  Bob is backing Mary off from his wound, and counter-attacking Mary with “You’re a bad wife because you don’t appreciate all of the things I do to contribute and only focus on my short-comings.”  Ouch!!!  And so the anger dance is underway.

What would happen if one or the other, or both of them, could hear their partner saying “ouch” instead of an attack?  Softness, vulnerability, and humility would begin to grow along with learning and growing to be a safer partner in a relationship.  Hmm.  That sounds pretty good, right?  So why don’t people do it?  First and foremost, pride.  Pretty straightforward and simple.  If I admit that you are saying ouch, then I have to admit I’ve done something wrong, and then, even worse, change.  Change is hard.  Having the humility to admit you’ve hurt someone is even harder, as is taking responsibility for one’s actions. I also have to put my feelings and wounds aside while we concentrate on yours.  We also fear, “when will I get heard?”

See all of the things that have to be dealt with before one of you can stop the dance of anger before it really gets going?  See how easy it is to blame the whole thing on “We can’t communicate!” instead of working on yourself?  There is nothing simple or straightforward about dealing with this pride, and ultimately overcoming it.  Getting to a place where you can hear what the person is actually saying instead of the surface conflict of the moment takes practice and a willingness to face your own fears, heal some of your own wounds, and get your over-reactivity under control.  Not easy.  It is worth it though, and it will permeate every relationship you have when you get there.  Think about pointing the finger at the mug in the mirror instead of your partner.  I need to learn to listen better and react less.  I need to be safer for my partner.  I need to learn where my partner is wounded so I can understand their pain.  You are the only one you can control anyway.

That’s what I have today.  If you need help translating or understanding yourself, healing yourself, or getting a handle on your reactivity, haul your own carcass into a great therapist’s office.  Do it for you and no one else.  Thanks for reading!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.

©2014, Nancy Eisenman

©2013, Nancy Eisenman