Ugghhh… I wish I could remember the topic I had picked out the other day as I was driving home. It was awesome, but I can’t. I am only human. Wait! There it is. Sweet. I remembered (that’s rare for me)! Grace, or forgiveness without deserving it, for myself. Offering grace to myself is like telling me to put my own oxygen mask on before I help my kiddos. Yeah, it’s uncomfortable. (when I think about this, I usually tend to think of the plane’s oxygen masks and hearing the flight attendant tell me this, but I can’t find a decent picture to use for that example, so we’ll go with this next one). Think about firefighters and the equipment they wear before they go into the burning flames. Unless they have their own protection on first, it would be extremely difficult for them to save others, and if they didn’t wear their own protection, they may even get hurt. I often find it hard to give myself grace, especially in my weakest moments when the flames are bursting around me, when I need it the most. I was watching an old episode of 24 (yes, I am behind the times, give me a break!) and one of the characters commented about therapists and how they probably don’t even take their own advice, so why should we listen to them? Exactly!, I thought, exactly, therapists aren’t perfect. No profession is. No human being is perfect, including me. And you know what, that’s okay. It’s what makes the world interesting. Our imperfections are wonderful, you know why? Just because they are what they are, and they can point me in a direction of trying something I haven’t tried before, like offering myself grace for those exact imperfections. It doesn’t mean we can’t try to change, but we are still only human. I can’t do it all on my own, I can’t do it all at once, and neither can anyone else. It doesn’t mean I’m a monster, it doesn’t mean I am not lovable, it doesn’t mean I’m not acceptable. In fact, I would say it means, I AM all of those things, despite that time when ‘I yelled at my kids,’ despite that time when ‘I yelled at my spouse,’ despite that time ‘I had an affair,’ despite that time when……’(you fill in the blank here).’
I try to convey that to my clients too, that no, we’re not perfect, but that doesn’t mean we aren’t lovable, with the good, the bad, the ugly and everything in between. I think it’s a learning process, and sometimes something we have to be shown in order to show, yet, somehow, we are often able to show grace to others, but not to ourselves. What is our stumbling block with this? Is it how we’ve grown up being taught how valuable we are to people? And maybe we are taught we aren’t very valuable. Is it what we think of ourselves? Is it society taking this idea that it’s selfish to think about me first? For me, one of the ways to combat not showing ourselves grace is by admitting that we are not perfect with others who accept those imperfect parts of ourselves, to help us understand acceptance of all of our parts. The thought, ‘I don’t deserve grace,’ is what makes it important that I give it to myself. If I don’t give myself grace, how can I truly offer it to others? My oxygen mask has to go on first before I can put someone else’s on, before I can help someone else through their fire. Grace doesn’t mean giving up on trying to change some things about me, or my thoughts. Grace means I can try, but if I fail, it’s okay, because some day, I am going to fail because I am human, but you know what? Failing means I tried. What topics are difficult for you to offer yourself grace? What happens when you put your own oxygen mask on first? If you don’t know, that’s okay, maybe finding someone to talk to about it would help. Thank you for reading!
