So I signed my divorce papers yesterday.  Whew, that was really not an enjoyable experience.  Simply feeling ten different emotions at the same time, most of them contradicting each other, is just flat-out overwhelming.  Sadness, relief, anger, happiness, abandonment, liberation, shame, confidence, confusion, and self-assuredness.  Wow.  That just doesn’t happen every day!

I wanted to share how it felt for me, because half of the population of the United States at some point goes through the experience of signing divorce papers.  (Everyone is different of course, but some feelings on this particular day are universal.)  If you haven’t done it personally, chances are you know someone who has.  I wanted to offer up some insight into how it felt for me, so maybe it can help you understand better what your friend, sister, uncle, cousin, or daughter might be feeling on that day.  Sometimes it’s hard to know what the best thing is to do or say when someone you love is going through such a painful experience.

I can tell you what NOT to do.  Passing judgement is a definite NO.  It’s a NO all the time really, but when you’re going through a divorce, stuff like that gets amplified.  Walls are down, pain is high, and folks are vulnerable.  Take it a little easy with fragile hearts.  I would also suggest not bringing up how much better off they are without their spouse, what a loser he was, or how happy you are that she’s out of his life.  On the day or two surrounding the signing, it may also be wise to not illuminate the obvious looming issues like, “well, how do you plan on paying for ??? now?”  Realize that the person is grieving a big loss, and tread lightly around wounded hearts.

My sister did something just right.  She was just there for me.  She sent me a text that said, “hey, are you doing ok?  I was thinking about you all day today, wondering if you were OK.”  Then she “held my hair back” while I puked some pain.  We are 700 miles apart, but she was still there.  You don’t have to fix it or figure it out or find solutions.  Just listen and love.  My b/f/f/ did the same.  She went to lunch with me shortly after I left the attorney’s office, and was just there.  I didn’t want to talk much, and that was OK with her, too.  Just her being with me was quite comforting.

I’m quite blessed that way, surrounded by people who love me and are there for me.  (God spoils me!)  I love being able to do the same for them when they need it, too.  That’s what we’re here for, to be there for one another, love each other, and help shoulder each other’s burdens.  Thanks go out to all of you who have supported me in this painful, healing journey.  I love you all!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.

©2010, Nancy Eisenman