Today’s topic is about something that hit me while I was sitting in class the other day.  The teacher said that she realized she had been “ruminating” about a visit with a client of hers for two days afterward.  She just couldn’t get it out of her head and kept running it through her mind over and over.  “Finally,” she said, “I looked at myself and said, ‘What’s going on inside me that’s causing me to ruminate over this for two days?’”

That struck me.  Although the teacher did not answer herself in class, it sounded to me as though she began to realize that what was going on inside of her was not actually a problem she was having in dealing with a difficult client, but a pain inside of her.  What was going on inside of her that made her unable to disconnect and let go from that situation?

I think we do this pretty often as human beings.  We ruminate over problems or interactions with people that either are a source of conflict or that generate strong feelings.  I think a lot of times what I historically do in this situation is look for the solution…how could I have handled that better, how could have the other person done something differently, etc.  One looks outside of me, and one looks inside, only not very deeply.  What I have failed to do in the past has been to look deeper inside of myself and see why this situation is churning me up so much.  Instead of focusing on the situation or problem, I need to focus on my reaction to it, and the cause of that over-reaction.

It goes back to that family systems paradigm basic tenet that you must back up and look at the whole map so you can see what’s going on, instead of continually focusing on one small part of it.  See the forest instead of the individual trees.  I’m amazed at the paradox…how pulling away from something and looking at it from farther away (in other words, going into my own issues wider and more deeply) can bring the whole picture into sharper focus, and make the details all make sense.

What are you ruminating about?  Is something proverbially “stuck in your craw”?  Instead of looking at the other person, or pining over how you could have done it better, look for the cause of the discomfort inside of you.  Why am I still thinking about this?  What issues of mine does it illuminate?  Where is the pain?  Backing up from the details and looking at the whole picture will help.  Getting an idea of the cause and understanding it will help lead you to healing those wounds.

That’s it for today.  See you again soon.

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.

©2010, Nancy Eisenman