1. Halts the cycle of blame and pain.
2. Loosens the stronghold of guilt in the perpetrator.
3. Allows the possibility of transformation in the guilty party.
4. Is not the same as pardon…you may forgive the one that wronged you and still insist on a just punishment for that wrong.  If you can bring yourself to the point of forgiveness, though, you will release its healing power both in you and in the person who wronged you.
5. Has it’s own extraordinary power which reaches beyond law and beyond justice.
6. Places the forgiver on the same side as the party who did the wrong.   p. 103

The simplest way I can think of to define grace is ”forgiving someone who doesn’t deserve it.”  Forgiving someone who deserves it is easy; they are sorry, repentent, their heart has turned, and you can sincerely believe them when they say that they will not do it again.  Forgiving someone who doesn’t deserve it is extremely difficult.  They are not asking for forgiveness, they may not care that they hurt you or may be straight-up oblivious, or they may be justifying their hurtful actions.  You may even know quite well that, given the chance, they would make the same decision to hurt you again.

The difficulty in forgiving someone who doesn’t deserve it comes with the message we think we’re sending to the other person if we forgive them.  We think we’re saying “it’s OK what you did” and even further, “go ahead and do it again.”  Um, NO!  What they did was absolutely NOT OK, and it is absolutely NOT OK for them to do it again!  Continuing in this mindset that forgiveness equals saying it’s OK will keep anyone from forgiving.  The truth is: Grace is a paradox.  It requires that I get on the side of my enemy, not by defending their actions, but by defending their humanity.  The attitude we have sometimes is “Forgive and the atrocities will repeat themselves.”  But the opposite is true.  Don’t forgive, and they will repeat themselves.

Other things that may keep us from forgiving is the notion that we are giving up our right to “get even.”  If we forgive, we don’t get to pass judgment or inflict retribution.  This is a black and white over-reaction where we see the other person as “all bad.”  That’s cut-off (a.k.a. negative enmeshment).  We may think that if we seek just consequences for someone who has hurt us that we haven’t truly forgiven.

As Yancey says though, this is a myth.  Forgiveness does not equal pardon.  We can still have rock solid boundaries with someone who has hurt us.  That may even include a “geographical boundary” as Cloud and Townsend would say in their book Boundaries, because that person who hurt you is unsafe. We can say “what you have done is not OK, I will have a different relationship with you from now on with good boundaries, but I can forgive you in my heart so that I do not keep the negative connection with you alive in me.”  Can I respond to this event by not accepting the painful behavior, perhaps even requiring just consequences; but also by not denying the humanity of the other person?

In any relationship…in a couple, between friends, with co-workers, in families…anywhere, hurts are inevitable. We are imperfect folks, and we will hurt others and they will hurt us.  What we do with those hurts is what counts.  When you hurt someone, can you humble yourself and apologize, or do you need to justify what you did?  Deep shame feelings may cause people to be unable to admit they’ve hurt someone.  Do you care for others’ feelings, or trample them to your own end?  When someone hurts you, can you forgive them?  Do you need to have a good boundary with them…meaning, can you protect and insulate yourself from them without attacking their worth has a human being?  If you can’t bring yourself to forgive, ask yourself what the payoff is.  What do I think I have to give up in order to forgive?

Check out Phillip Yancey’s book, What’s So Amazing About Grace?.  It really helped me let go of resentment and bitterness years ago, and is still doing so today.  The world has recently given me several huge opportunities to forgive people who’ve hurt me badly and not asked for forgiveness.  I will be having strong boundaries with them, but I’ve also chosen to see them through the eyes of grace, because I want to be forgiven when I screw up too…and oh, honey…I do, holy cow.  I try very hard to give what I want to receive, and treat others the way I want to be treated.  The peace in my heart that comes from letting the negative connection go (lack of anger and anxiety) and developing good boundaries (no more codependency) is always worth the effort.

Thanks for stopping by.  I’ll close up with a quote from What’s So Amazing About Grace…

“The world thirsts for grace.  When grace descends, the world falls silent before it.”  ~Philip Yancey

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.

©2012, Nancy Eisenman