Chameleons are probably not a subject you would ever think I would blog about, right?  No, I’m not taking a turn for veterinary science or lizardology.  I mean, what is a therapist wannabe gonna say about chameleons or anything else in the wild kingdom?   Today we are going to discuss a type of personality that has been termed “chameleon.”

Chameleons are lizards that blend in and adapt to their surroundings so as not to be readily seen.  Do you know any people who seem to exhibit this kind of relating to others?  Have you ever met anyone who could adapt to any situation and seemingly thrive in any setting?  Maybe the chameleon is with someone who likes to be the center of attention at a party. They come out of their shell and become more outgoing to match the other person.  Perhaps they are in a setting with a very somber group. They become quiet and subdued.  Maybe in another setting the chameleon will act very religious or chaste, while the next moment becoming vulgar or mean.

Why do chameleons blend into their surroundings in nature?  It is a defense mechanism. It’s no different in the case of the chameleon personality.  An intense fear of abandonment or shame for example can cause people to adapt to whatever situation presents itself in order to preserve perceived connections with others. The chameleon doesn’t have a strong sense of self. They borrow the “self” or personality of others to gain attention and acceptance.

This is actually a lonely and anxiety-filled way of relating to others.  What fears does the chameleon face?  They fear being their authentic selves because they might be abandoned if the others find out who the chameleon believes they are on the inside.  On the inside, the chameleon believes he/she is not lovable.  They fear the aloneness and rejection they will face if someone sees them, really sees them for who they are, and doesn’t like what they see.  Having these scary feelings…it literally feels like it would be worse than death.  Therefore, adapting to situations by giving up “self” to be acceptable becomes necessary for their very survival.

When it comes down to it, they end up giving up who they are, trading peacefully living as the beautiful person they are on the inside, for the anxiety of trying to belong.  The voice in their heads constantly tells them that no one will accept them for who they are.  It is a private hell of their own making.  They refuse to believe how breathtaking they are!  (And not because they’ve earned it, but because they ARE.)  Each person is a unique and beautiful creature, lovable for exactly who they are.  Many of us don’t believe it.  We tell ourselves the lie that all of the painful times we experienced anything that resembled rejection in our childhoods were reflections of how lovable we are.  I would invite you to stop believing this lie.

If we look a little bit deeper…and if you see yourself as a chameleon, this feedback might sting a little bit…chameleon behavior is also actually controlling of others.  Attempting to control others is about making your own environment safe for yourself.  If I can control others, I don’t have to be afraid of them, right?  So as a chameleon, I am going to attempt to control your perception of me, in essense attempting to force you to accept me and pay attention to me.  When it comes down to it, this is an invasive way of relating to others.  It is also ultimately a temporary illusion at best, because we can’t really control how others feel or think…not in the context of a healthy relationship, or with any kind of long-term efficacy.  Eventually someone you are trying to “trick” will catch on, and the chameleon can be seen.

Taking the risk to love yourself for who you are is a dangerous and scary notion, but it is the truth, and it is the growth we must pursue if we are going to have a mind filled with peace and self-acceptance.  We will also no longer need to control or invade others, making us safer for them to choose to connect with us.  When you can accept yourself, you can give acceptance to others most freely too, not codependently or in a controlling way, and not in an unbalanced “I’m-going-to-trade-my-self-for-your-acceptance” way.  Think about accepting yourself more completely, with all of your beautiful, breathtaking, and brilliant colors.  Risk letting the world see who you REALLY are, because that authentic self inside of you is AMAZING!

Thanks for reading!  Have a beautiful day!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.

©2012, Nancy Eisenman