It is a most beautiful summer day and I am enjoying watching my kids swim in the warm sunshine.  What a great day!  Today I want to talk about one of the goals of therapy, recovery, and differentiation in general. It is a phrase that I use often to describe that elusive middle ground where peace thrives and relationships are the safest. It is having a “strong, non-reactive voice.”  What does that mean, and how does one have a strong, yet non-reactive voice?
Let’s break it down piece by piece. First let’s start with having a voice. Your voice, the one that is uniquely yours, is how the essence of you comes to life. It’s yours to own, and no one can take it from you without your complete cooperation. Manytimes people will give up their voice, or who they are, in exchange for something else. It could be for acceptance, attention, or to decrease anxiety in some other way. This is the case with codependency. Others may use their voice too strongly, and crush others’ freedoms and rights with criticism or demands. This is a trait of counterdependency. Having a voice involves knowing yourself, who you are and who you are not, and knowing where your boundaries are and what you will and won’t tolerate.

Next let’s tackle the “strong” part. Having a strong voice is all about knowing exactly where those boundaries you have are, on all kinds of subjects. Some examples….Where are your physical/sexual boundaries? What about how people talk to you and on what subjects?  How about personal space?  What about when talking about potentially heated subjects like politics and religion?  How do you feel about name-calling?  What about when people lie about you or spread rumors? The list continues for every subject you can have an opinion on. Do you know what you think and how you feel?  Or do you go along with the crowd or believe someone who tells you what you should do or who you should be?  Having a strong voice involves knowing who you are, and having the courage to voice that opinion in the face of others’ possible disapproval.
Lastly, we have the non-reactive piece. Having a non-reactive voice means controlling not only the pitch and decibel level of your actual speech, but also being able to discern what part of the interaction is for you to take responsibility for, and any part that is not your responsibility. This requires a lot of insight into yourself, with patience and practice to hold your tongue and courage to use it when it’s not time to be quiet. My grandmother used to say that the tongue takes 2 years to learn how to use and a lifetime to learn how to control. So true. By knowing our own issues and understanding the issues of others, we can more skillfully choose our words based on our truth and beliefs, and avoid the pitfalls that come when we take the bait of taking things personally.  We can also control our tone.  How something is said is just as important as what it said.

Think about what it would sound like to have a strong non-reactive voice. It is confident because it knows itself, and it is calm and filled with compassion and acceptance for others because it accepts itself. It sounds neutral in tone, yet quite matter of fact. Mastering the ability to control your tongue is vital for healthy and intimate relationships.

Thanks for reading, and I hope you are having a delightful summer! Enjoy the sunshine!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist.  She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling.  Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.

©2014, Nancy Eisenman