Written by Nancy Eisenman on March 10, 2010

In the waiting room, there are all kinds of tea and coffee, water and Crystal Light packets. We also have a pretty extensive stash of candy. Every once in a great while, I’ll offer a new client that looks a little uneasy a cup of coffee, and tell them that we “only support mild addictions here.” That always gets a chuckle, breaks the tension a little, and makes them feel more at ease and welcome. So come on in, grab your favorite beverage and a little something sweet, and have a seat in the waiting room with me.

I think today I’d like to talk more about abandonment: what that term means to me and how it’s healed! Abandonment is a very primal, ancient, deep-seated pain in the innermost parts of the heart. I have a pretty good-sized abandonment scar on my own heart. This is not because I was abandoned as a kid in the sense that most people would think of it. I wasn’t left at the door of an orphanage, my parents didn’t pass away when I was young, and I come from a loving, non-abusive home. Nevertheless, I do have abandonment issues, so I’m speaking of a heart pain that I understand personally.

I have a colleague that says regularly, “Abandonment comes in all shapes and sizes.” It really does. A person can be abandoned physically by someone that is central to their lives actually leaving their presence, either geographically or through death. A person can be abandoned emotionally on a wide spectrum from neglect (no attention) to any form of abuse (too much negative attention). Even in a spiritual way there can be an abandonment hole in the heart.

There is one more thing that is absolutely fact…little kids are uber-needy! It’s the way we are made. Abandonment issues are so rampant because the amount of attention little kids crave is more than most parents can really deliver long-term. Please understand, I am not trying to condemn any parent, or make any mom or dad feel responsible for their child’s abandonment issues. We all do the best we can with what we have to give at the time. I think it was Maya Angelou that added to that: “and when we know better, we do better.” Deep down, all parents are also little kids that didn’t get what they needed, either. Everybody gets issues in their childhood. EVERYONE. It’s inevitable. It’s my own personal belief that we are all created to need our perfect Parent in heaven, and none of us get it here on earth, so we all need to build up psychological walls to protect ourselves. Even the very best homes still have imperfect people living in them.

So, back to abandonment. What does abandonment look like? It could be at work when your husband doesn’t come home on time and doesn’t call you, and you go out looking for him. It could be your wife walking out of the room in the middle of an argument, and that causes you to be so reactive that you start throwing things or chasing her down. It could show itself through infidelity. Perhaps you grew up in a house where it wasn’t OK to talk about how you feel, so you cut-off from people when underneath you really want acceptance, love, and closeness, but you just don’t know a healthy way to get it. Maybe it’s being overly-needy and smothering your spouse because you’re starving for attention. It could be at work if you’re consistantly falling for the wrong guy. The list goes on and on.

There are even more ways that abandonment issues rear their ugly heads in relationships. If you think you have some, the best thing to do is get into some therapy and figure out where they are biting you in the rump. It is very difficult to see them in yourself when you’re under the influence of them. Talking with someone who is not only objective, but insightful enough to help point them out, works well in the long run, even though it takes time. I’m not going to sugar-coat it…overcoming abandonment issues is difficult, painful, and it’s not a short-term-fix type of problem. A really good counselor can also be difficult to find. It can be done eventually though, I’m walking proof! Just make sure you don’t expect too much too soon and give up.

I believe that it takes some time of guidance and reinforcement to overcome years of learned behavioral responses. Abandonment issues are so hidden and subtle sometimes, and the reactions so volatile…it just takes time to process through them. I would also point out that understanding them is not the same as overcoming them! It’s the first step, but you will continue to have the same behaviors come out even after you know better in your head! (Ahem…don’t ask me how I know that for sure, OK?!) You can’t expect yourself to learn and implement new behaviors, replacing those learned and used for a lifetime, in a matter of a few weeks. It’s like the motto for that game Othello: A minute to learn and a lifetime to master. That’s a little extreme, but you get the point.

Now I’m going to spell out my cure for abandonment with some big therapy-type words. Please forgive me, OK? If I’m going to be a therapist someday, I have try out my chops somewhere, right? Ultimately, what needs to happen to overcome abandonment is to heal it from the inside out, not try to bandage it. Abandonment is a deep, to-the-bone, stab wound. You can’t put a little Curad finger bandage on it and expect it to heal. You need surgery, stitches, Neosporin, and a bunch of other miscellaneous antibiotics! You have to realize that sometimes, in order to heal a wound properly, you might have to open it up a little further even. And, you have to want it…badly and humbly…and be willing to listen and give it time. This journey is not for the faint of heart. It hurts. It’s hard. You have to want to heal and have the courage to stay the course, or you will give up. You have to come to therapy ready to cry from your toes if necessary. And just so you know…it hurts pretty badly. Then, and only then, you can move on to the “how to.”

Then, you have to learn how to not abandon yourself. Let that one sink in a bit. What do I mean by that? That means becoming more self-differentiated from others, not so enmeshed, having realistic needs, good strong boundaries, and finding some grace, understanding, and forgiveness. (For me, ultimately that meant finding grace, healing, and companionship from Above.) You have to dig down deep with some objective help, and sit in it and grieve it until you’re done. How long does that take? It’s different for everyone. That’s the good news AND the bad news. It can be done but it takes time, effort, and the courage to “go there.” You’ve heard the saying though that anything that is worthwhile takes time and effort…believe me when I tell you, it’s worth it. I wish you the best on your journey. We’ll talk again soon.

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.

©2010, Nancy Eisenman