Do The 5 Love Languages Illuminate Our Issues?

Aug 25, 2010 | abandonment, Blog, inner voice, shame

I’ve been thinking about this blog all week. The topic is something that kinda jumped up unexpectedly into my thoughts, and now I’m thinking that I may use it as a research project when the time comes, for my graduate studies.

Awhile ago, I read “The 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. It is a great read if you find you are not getting your needs met, as it helps you identify, and then be better able to communicate to your partner, the most natural way you receive love. What’s interesting, I think, is that it seems to me that there is a direct correlation between what your love language is and where your most painful wounds are.

For example, I was talking to a gal last week who has a pretty decent case of abandonment, just like me, and we both agreed that “Words of Affirmation” is NOT our primary love language. We agreed, too, that when our loved ones told us something nice/loving that we didn’t, at a base level, believe them. We need to be shown by actions. The reason, I think, is that we were abandoned, so we learned that love has nothing to do with words and everything to do with actions. Our caregivers told us they loved us and then didn’t give us the attention we needed. The words didn’t match the feelings. It’s almost as if they were saying “I love you” and their actions said otherwise, so we learned that words are meaningless lies. It was not even true or what they were trying to do at all, but nobody said how kids interpret actions and words matches they way they were really meant.

For those who grew up not feeling like they were worth their caregiver’s time (abandonment), time is exactly what they value most because it’s what they wanted the most and didn’t get. We also marry folks who are not good at giving quality time, someone who doesn’t meet our deepest need. We love someone who loves us with the same deficiencies as we had growing up, because that’s what love is to us. It’s how nature heals itself, by repeating the same painful patterns so we can learn to deal with them.

I was also visiting with a couple of ladies who deal with shame issues. They both agreed that words of affirmation IS their love language! So for those whose deepest wound is shame (and hence whose self-talk tells them that they are bad), the way they most need to be loved is for someone to tell them they are great. They want someone to tell them what they wanted to hear most all throughout their childhood and didn’t…that they are really not bad. Yet those with this issue marry folks that have a very hard time meeting their need for affirmative words. See? They love someone who is weak the same place their own self-talk is weak.

It would follow, then, that the other 3 love languages have the same pattern. If the logic holds, then those whose primary love language is physical touch would have wounds surrounding not being held or touched enough when they were little, and they probably married someone who doesn’t touch them enough. Those whose love language is acts of service would have a past that included them having to do for themselves a lot. If someone didn’t receive special gifts very often as a child, their love language might be receiving gifts.

Many people would say that they have more than one love language, although one is usually the strongest. I would suggest that most people have more than one issue as well, and that one is usually more painful than the rest. It is interesting to think that the love language that we identify with the most could help uncover our areas of deepest wounding. As of yet, for me, this hypothesis remains untested. If I do ever decide to research this subject, you all will be the first to know!

Feel free to leave me comments that can confirm or deny this hypothesis. You could be aiding in a research project! I think next semester I have a research class. Looks like I have a headstart on my topic! Thanks for stopping by.

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Making Sure The Next One is Mr/Mrs Right Pt 2

Aug 13, 2010 | abandonment, Blog, family systems theory, inner voice

So, we left off on the cusp of a couple of pretty big questions and their answers. No more waiting…let’s get right down to business.

To recap, our girl Kim has some intimacy issues. She has an allergy to intimacy with someone in her family of origin (more than likely a primary caregiver or sibling), and she therefore has an allergy to intimacy within herself as well. We learn to talk to and treat ourselves the way we were treated growing up. Think about the voice that is your thoughts inside your own head. Does it sound like your mother or father? What about how you treat your own pain-filled heart? Do you ignore it with a thought that says “I don’t have time to deal with that” or “if I ignore it, it will go away.” Perhaps you silence it with addictions or cutting off some other way. Whatever the case, we learn what we’ve lived, and that’s how we treat ourselves. It is our normal.

I also wanted to point out here that everyone, absolutely everyone, has some level of intimacy allergy. They are our psychological walls that we create for protection. Issues of some kind are inevitable in everyone. It’s the nature of growing up in a sinful world. As we grow and mature emotionally, however, we are actually able to tolerate more and more true intimacy. (I’m talking about emotional intimacy, of which physical intimacy is only a part.) Our walls become more permeable, or come down altogether when we don’t need them anymore.

So, back to Kim. She wants to pick Mr. Right this time, and not another Mr. Wrong, right? When Kim goes out in her state of loneliness, with unaddressed issues since her last relationship ended, and tries to find someone with whom she can curb her lonely feelings, she will be attracted to someone who is not able to *in a long-term manner* meet her needs! (He will be able to do so short-term because of enmeshment). She has an unbalance in herself so she will (sort of subconsciously) only be attracted to someone who fits her issues of inner-unbalance. If you think about it like a teeter-totter…to the degree that Kim is unbalanced in herself on any given issue, she will only be attracted to someone who fits her level of unbalance, in whatever areas or issues she is askew.

Sounds a little crazy, doesn’t it? We aren’t attracted to those who can meet our needs, we are attracted to those who, underneath, inherently can’t meet them. Believe it, it’s the absolute truth. It stinks, but it is nature’s way of healing itself, and making sure we work on our issues. We will only be attracted to those who “fit” our issues, and our unbalances. So if Kim has an allergy to intimacy within herself, who will she attract, and who will she be attracted to? She will attract someone who “loves” the way she’s used to, and how she loves herself…someone who is not good at intimacy. That’s what love is to her.

It’s the law of attraction; you can’t fight it, and you can’t trick it. You will simply not feel any attraction for someone who does not match you in emotional balance. You won’t feel “a spark” for them. No chemistry. You’re attracted to who you’re attracted to, and if you’re attracted to them, that person WILL fit your issues! Change your issues, or balance the teeter-totter, so to speak, into a more level position inside yourself, and you’ll change who you’re attracted to.

So Kim, if she hasn’t dealt with or changed her balance of issues since her last relationship, is innately attracted to someone who treats her “normally.” HER normal. Her abandonment-filled, non-intimate, harsh, uncaring or unfeeling “normal”…how she is inside her own skin and matching her own unbalance. The normal of how she was treated by her caregivers growing up. It’s absolutely amazing how the brain works to pick people out who have their “teeter-totters” in like positions that complement our own, and picks them out to be attracted to and love. Works every time. Have you ever noticed that folks who break up or get divorced, if they don’t learn from it, end up marrying the exact same kind of person with a different face? That’s why! They haven’t changed themselves so they will be attracted to the same issues all over again.

This is the paradox that will help your intimacy allergy (among other issues) the most…the more comfortable you are in your own skin, the more you can differentiate yourself from others and develop a humble acceptance of who you are at a core level, the less of an intimacy allergy you’ll have. Seems backwards, right? It works every time though. It’s a balance…balancing distance and closeness with others. Get closer to your true self, and you’ll be able to get closer to others.

Now let’s look at the difference if Kim DOES address her issues before she looks for another relationship. What if Kim started to care about herself and make her own needs a priority? What if she stopped abandoning herself? What if she accepted herself, faults and all? What if she worked to grieve and accept her pains from her past, instead of ignoring them? What if her thoughts about herself became affirming instead of shaming? Do you think she would be attracted to or tolerate someone treating her in a way that she has worked so hard to overcome in herself?

If Kim begins to honor her own needs regularly, getting whole meals of attention from others and herself, will she continually accept crumbs of attention and a lack of intimacy from her would-be significant other? I doubt it. Not only that, changes in her subconscious (sort of) will automatically shift her attraction. An abandoner or someone who’s not very good at intimacy won’t “fit” her anymore. She’ll also have her eyes way more open to her new man’s issues. By looking inward for balance and healing her own wounds inside, she ensures that she will not pick another Mr. Wrong. She needs to remember that he will still be Mr. Imperfect, that’s just realistic because we’re all imperfect. If she’s more balanced, though, she will choose someone more balanced to love and to love her, and not Mr. Wrong all over again.

So the point of all this is: if you want to make sure you don’t pick Mr. Wrong the next time, figure out yourself and heal your own issues! Find your balance. It’s not about finding a guy who isn’t “screwed up.” If you’re unbalanced, you won’t fall for a balanced guy anyway, and he won’t fall for you. It’s all about “unscrewing up” yourself so you’ll be attracted to a more balanced Mr. Right! If he matches you, he’ll be attracted to you, too.

That’s long enough for today. I have a part three to this series brewing…what happens if I’m already married to the person who is unable to meet my needs, but I grow and get more balanced and he/she doesn’t? Now I’m more balanced and they’re not, and the attraction is fading. What then?

Tune in again next week for part 3 of this mind-bending puzzle!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Making Sure The Next One is Mr./Mrs. Right Pt. 1

Aug 5, 2010 | abandonment, Blog, codependency, divorce, family systems theory, grace, self-care

This is going to be a two- or three-part blog, because I am feeling verbose on this subject! I’ve been inspired! One post just isn’t going to cut it.

I’ve mentioned before that I’m a fan of Family Systems Theory. Thankfully for me, I work with a group of pretty salty family systems therapists! They are all kind enough to mentor me, and keep me on course with the development of my craft. One of the therapists on staff has dedicated years of study to deepening his understanding and practice of this particular paradigm; I’ve spoken of him before, Jerry Wise. He has a blog too, and we were discussing a post of his about abandonment and a question he was asked about it, in the waiting room the other day. Something he said is totally turning my mind to gooey gray matter this week, as he’s been known to do before!

Remember how we were discussing the map, and seeing the whole map of our issues all at once, and how sometimes thinking counter-intuitively can help pinpoint the problem, which may be far away from what is causing the symptoms in our relationships? (See post “Family Systems, A Tiny Morsel”) That is family systems stuff through and through. Today’s topic is no different. Jerry and I were talking about abandonment, like I said, and specifically the symptom of loneliness. Fair enough, I thought. If you’re abandoned, you’re probably lonely, right? And loneliness itself isn’t the problem, it’s a symptom of a deeper issue. OK, I’m trackin…so far so good.

Then he said that if you have the symptom of loneliness, the core issue you really have, the root problem causing it on the other side of your issue map, is really an “allergy to intimacy.” Hold the phone there, Bub. If someone’s lonely, isn’t what they really want some good intimacy? How could someone who’s lonely really be allergic to intimacy? You lost me with that one. Stick with me though, I’m going to try to explain what he said as simply as possible…how I understand it. Let’s talk about it in example form, for ease in understanding’s sake. Let’s call our lonely, abandoned girl Kim.

Kim has had some relationships that have ended painfully, and more than anything she doesn’t want to have another failed pairing; but she also knows that she feels lonely for a romantic relationship. Understandable, right? It’s normal and natural to want a close personal relationship, emotionally, physically, etc. And I would interject here that simply wanting a relationship is not a problem in itself. But our girl Kim really wants a relationship because she’s experiencing the symptom of loneliness, and she needs to soothe her feeling of loneliness with another person.

Would you think that what Kim really has going on is an allergy to intimacy? Probably not. I sure as heck didn’t see that one coming, and I gave Jerry a really confused look when he said it. Huh? Here’s how he explained it to me. If Kim has the symptom of loneliness, and she is longing for another (hopefully healthy, balanced this time) person to fill the loneliness, somewhere on her map of issues she is underfunctioning in, or has an allergy to, intimacy. Is your face twisted and contorted like mine was yet? Eyes squinting? Little head scratching, perhaps? Stay with me…

Kim, out of her own issues, is still looking to someone else to fill her up. In this way she is overly-needy. In some way she is unable to find fulfillment in herself, and/or she may have an intimacy or under-closeness/over-closeness problem with her parents or siblings. If you’re tracking that train of thought, the next question that naturally comes is, “How does someone have an allergy to intimacy inside themselves? Does an intimacy problem in my family of origin, (people that I hardly ever see anymore even perhaps,) still affect me? (YES!) And what does an allergy to intimacy look like, and how does one fix it?” I admit, it’s kind of a tough sell to someone who says they crave intimacy, and especially if they may be over-functional in their level of ability to have intimacy with other people. The point is, if there is loneliness for intimacy, somewhere on the map we’ll find an intimacy allergy…a place where Kim is under-functional, intimately. Let’s take a swing at answering those questions:

Let me ask you this way, and see if it helps shed some light on it…where do you think Kim is abandoning herself? A closer look at someone like Kim will probably show that she is too other-centered. Maybe she doesn’t have good self care. Perhaps she has a hard time forgiving herself for imperfections or mistakes, and she shames herself and feels she isn’t good enough. Maybe she makes caring for everyone else more important than making sure she’s taken care of, too. When her hurting little girl on the inside cries out in pain, she in effect ”shushes” her. In any or all of these ways, she abandons herself. She’s not in-tune to her own needs, and ignores them.

So how does Kim fix this imbalance? Like 12-steppers would say…the first step is admitting you have a problem, right? True that! She needs to recognize she has an allergy somewhere. She needs to see her own unbalance, instead of concerning herself with over-scrutinizing potential mates! She needs to learn to have better boundaries. She needs to learn to give herself grace, listen to herself and take care of her own needs, and address her shame issues. These are all things that work to resolve and heal your childhood pain and make your psychological walls more permeable. Kim also needs to see where her expectations fo
r relationships are unhealthy. This is all stuff that happens in therapy!

Now then…how does all of this play into who she will choose as a future (hopefully) Mr. Right? Will she be attracted to another Mr. Wrong no matter what? Is there real hope to be had for a future, healthy relationship? Tune in next time for the answers to these most intriguing questions!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Will My Issues Ever Be Completely Cured?

Jul 26, 2010 | abandonment, Blog, goals, inner voice

Recently I’ve been around a couple of dialogues involving this question, and I remember early on in my own couch work/education, asking my therapist this very thing. Having now done a great deal of my own recovery work, I thought I’d take a stab at answering it from my understanding/viewpoint. See what you think.

Abandonment. Shame. Counterdependency. Codependency. Rage. Fear. These are examples of some deep-seated, hard-core issues. I don’t particularly like these labels too much because giving someone a label can be shaming for them, or make them feel helpless to their “diagnosis.” Instead of a label, just think of these as vocabulary words. They are only words used to describe a condition to which one can be sensitive, or words which one can connect with some of the ideas/issues they represent. They are not meant to be a Scarlet Letter on your chest. I use them only to give a way of talking about things that are so very difficult to describe! Keep in mind as well that every single person alive has some sort of issue or “dysfunction.” It is not something to be ashamed of or a victim to; it is simply a reality because of the imperfect world in which we live.

Now, to the question at hand: if I can own/relate to the issues these words represent, is it possible for me to be fully cured from their effects? Let me apologize in advance for giving you an ambiguous answer: yes and no. Perhaps a better answer would be “no, but.” Let me explain, and hopefully it will help.

I don’t think a complete and total cure from the issues one develops in childhood is possible. That’s not as bad as it sounds, however, because of the “but”. The “but” is what therapy is all about, and I’m not talking about proctological therapy! (Insert giggle here.) OK, seriously. I’ll use myself as an example. I have abandonment issues. I didn’t get the amount of one-on-one attention that needy little kids require. (I personally believe that almost everyone has abandonment to some degree, simply because children are SO needy that no parent can give enough!) So will I ever be free from the effects of abandonment?

I cannot change the past and how my issues came to be, ”but” I can heal them to a degree that they don’t effect me nearly as much as they used to! I will always be sensitive to particular behaviors surrounding abandonment; “but” I have learned how to realize when my abandonment is triggered and not over-react to those triggers. Some days are better than others, and I am still susceptible to abandonment pain and reactions, “but” I have exponentially more peace, calmness, contentment, and acceptance; and I have healed a great deal of that pain through my work in therapy. The longer I live with the knowledge of my issues, the more I learn and the better I become at handling them, and they affect me less.

So although I can never be completely and totally free from my issues, I ABSOLUTELY CAN get to a place of peace and contentment about them, and vastly improve my weaknesses to them. I can tell you without a doubt that this process, although difficult, is worth every moment. It has strengthened every relationship I have, and most importantly (…and this is going to sound corny and psycho-babbly, but it’s true…) it has strengthened my relationship with myself….loving the person that lives in my head. How I feel on the inside has been positively affected like I cannot fully describe. Here’s a great analogy to close up:

Emotional pain and issues growing up “burn” your psychological skin. If you’ve ever been burned you know that it hurts pretty much all the time until it heals. It can be numbed somewhat with medications, (addictions) but in order to not need meds in ever increasing amounts, it will need to be healed. When the burns are hidden or not properly taken care of, they cause more problems later that will have to be corrected. If these burns are treated eventually, however, they can become much better. The surgery needed may be painful (therapy, support groups etc.), but the outcome will be a better quality of life. It will take time, and the new skin will be sensitive for awhile, but eventually it will be scarred over and healed so that the slightest bump won’t hurt anymore. Scar tissue will form and the wound will be healed better than it ever was.

So I will always have the scars of abandonment, “but” scars are not nearly as tender as a gaping, unattended wound. I will always remember the wound that caused the scar and may even have a reflexive, protective instinct around it, “but” it won’t hurt as bad if someone accidentally brushes up against it or even blatantly touches it. That’s the healing of therapy. You’ll always have a scar, so in that way you will never be completely healed, “but” it won’t hurt so much anymore and you can live more peacefully and healthily than ever.

There’s my rather long-winded answer to a tricky question. Hopefully that makes it easier to understand, and makes you long to heal your own burns. It’s worth every painful step. See you next time.

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Family Systems Theory, A Tiny Morsel

Jul 12, 2010 | abandonment, Blog, cut-off, family systems theory

One of the therapists I work with, and who also has a blog (see link at the bottom of this page), is Jerry Wise. I call him “Yoda” because “the Jedi force” is strong with him! He has an uncanny, and sick (in a totally impressive way), skill for putting his finger right on the heart of an issue. Mad skills, I tell you. While each of the therapists here at Family Tree are totally gifted, each in their own styles and techniques, I bring up Jerry today because he has a lot of experience with family systems theory, first introduced by Murray Bowen in the late 60′s and early 70′s, and because his blog happened to inspire me today.

I have found family systems theory to be an absolutely fascinating paradigm, so much so that I actually study it and read about it in the little free time I have! It really is a different way to approach individual, marital, and family issues. I find it many times to be paradoxical to what one would normally think. Jerry would say that it can be helpful to think “counter-intuitively”, or from the other side of what seems to be a more straight-forward solution. For example, say a couple comes in reporting that they feel distant from each other, disconnected. While a straight-forward solution would say “well then let’s find a way to get you two closer to each other”, a family systems approach might say “well then, we’ve got to find out where you two are over-close!” See? It sounds backwards, doesn’t it? What’s amazing is how often it’s right on the money! That’s what is so interesting to me.

I read a book a couple of years ago called “Mating In Captivity” by Esther Perel. It seemed to me to be pretty much like 8 hours worth of sex therapy. It was really interesting, and what I found so unusual was how much I learned about myself and my issues that really had nothing to do with sex. This same concept of how over-closeness can cause distance was addressed in her book as well. She talked about how too much closeness outside the bedroom can lead to a lack of passion inside it. Counter-intuitive, see?

There can be many different reasons far away from the symptom that’s presenting itself that are really the root cause of problems in our relationships. Emotional cut-off from one’s spouse could be caused by having an unhealthy, negativity-based form of enmeshment with a parent, whether they ever see the parent anymore or not. The parent could have even passed away and the emotional processes could still be effecting the adult-child in their present day relationships. Abandonment in childhood could still be causing over-neediness or over-reactivity that can smother/damage a marriage.

Systems theory is about taking the laser focus off of one little area (symptom) of the map of your system, and zooming it out to get a glimpse of the bigger picture. Think about it this way for example, if you wanted to look at a large map, but could only view one square inch of it at any given time, how difficult would it be to find the best way to go? How much easier is it to see what’s all on the map if you can see the whole map all at the same time? Looking at the symptoms in a relationship is too narrow a view. The solution may be on the other side of the map, but it will not only be difficult or impossible to see, but also to navigate to, unless you look at if from a bigger picture type of standpoint.

I’ve come to learn that this paradigm is not something you can learn in a week-long seminar or from a textbook or two, or ten! In fact, one can learn a whole lot about it from books etc., and still not be skilled in implementation, or in seeing others’ maps with a wide angle lens enough to guide them. It takes a long time to master, and an absolutely crucial knowledge of oneself to be able to help others in this way. I’m working on it!

Even if you don’t take the time to become a family systems Yoda, each of us can take away nuggets of knowledge from it: like an understanding that our partner may not be able to be emotionally deeply connected with us, not because of something we have done or not done or because we’re bad, but because of their own past/issues/map. That creates understanding, and takes the pain and reactivity away from someone who is cutting-off from us. Or, it can show that one partner is over-reacting to the other getting home 15 minutes late not because they’re unreasonable or nuts, but because they have abandonment that they don’t understand yet. Understanding these things has tremendous power to affect massive changes in a troubled relationship. It takes away the insinuation and forthcoming pain that we take personally, or internalize, from the behaviors of others, that is not really personal or having anything to do with us at all. It also illuminates the wound itself for treatment instead of just treating the symptoms.

There’s my 2 cents for today. I’m sure I’ll blog more about family systems again sometime, although I am nothing more at this point than a young Padawan! (Jedi wannabe) It is the basis of our paradigm at Family Tree, and of great interest to me personally, so I’m sure I’ll chat about it more. If it interests you, bookmark Jerry’s blog too! Thanks for stopping by!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Dealing With An Affair, Part 2

Jul 2, 2010 | abandonment, addictions, affairs, Blog

Welcome back for Part 2 of a quick series on affair-related issues. I thought today we could look at the other side of the coin. We talked about the person whose spouse strayed, but what about the person who did the straying? Are they really the devil incarnate as the cheated-upon spouse would (perhaps) like everyone to believe? What can be said to them…that they are the refuse of the earth and little more, and there is no hope for them or their marriage? I think not!! Read on.

If you are like most folks who have been caught having an affair, you probably feel pretty lousy about yourself. The affair may have been exciting in the beginning, almost like pure intoxication, but now that the secret is out, life is not quite as fun. If you want to keep your spouse, and he/she is in angry/victim mode, chances are they are letting you have it pretty good. There are some key things to remember in this situation.

One, they will show anger to you, but underneath what is really going on is some very ancient, deep-seated abandonment pain that is being exposed to the light of day after a long time behind some thick psychological walls. See them as a 5-year-old version of themselves, having just been hurt worse than they ever have been before. It will make the anger easier to understand and diffuse, and easier to control your own reaction to it and not respond back with anger in return.
Two, you are not the horrible person you may feel like, or that your spouse may be telling you that you are. You have some deep issues as well as they do, like we all do. That does not make you terrible, it makes you wounded and in need of help.
Three, let a therapist, or someone besides you, ”enlighten” your spouse to their issues, at least in the beginning stages. The abandonment they are feeling is more powerful than you can imagine, and you are the current face of the flare-up. They need a neutral professional to lay down the insight, and so do you. Listen a lot and try not to be reactive. Most importantly, get help right now!

If your honey has abandonment issues going on, what about you? If you have had an affair, I’d be willing to bet you have a pretty sizable problem with emotional cutoff. This is a term that describes an avoidance of feeling your worst, deep-seated pain. Simply stated, you have such deep pain that it is too difficult to feel it, so you cut off from it by keeping yourself busy with things that are fun or numbing (at least at first), thus avoiding dealing with it. This is how addictions begin. It’s a coping mechanism of sorts. Somewhere along the line, the sweetie you chose to be your primary need-meeter began hitting the same buttons that stir your pain, and you cut off from them and found something to keep yourself busy or numb the pain. Which one of your parents was critical or shaming? Did one of them yell at you a lot, or worse? Where is the abuse in your past?

If you’re wondering how a marriage that has had an affair happen can be saved, in my opinion it’s as simple and as difficult as this: both partners absolutely HAVE to be open-hearted and willing to hear the truth of their own individual issues. If you are both humble and open to learn about yourselves, you’ve got a good shot at saving your marriage. Both of you have to be willing to face your pains, grieve them, and work on them. It is not for the feint of heart. It’s hard work and it takes not only time, but a lot of courage! It is also going to require at some point, the ability to forgive. BOTH of you will need to forgive each other. That’s the bad news, but the good news is really good!

The good news is that you only need enough courage to make it through one day at a time, and it will come as you need it. The other good news is that by both of you working you will heal yourselves and your marriage over time, and eventually it will grow into something better than you ever could have had without the affair. It all depends on both partners being willing to open their hearts and minds, and having good, solid help to illuminate the issues at work in the relationship. If you are trustworthy in the process, bring your humility, and show up hungry to learn and heal, your marriage has a healthy, fighting chance of survival.

Remember, even if your spouse is playing the victim or can’t forgive, you still have issues that need to be dealt with. There is a reason you strayed. Get yourself an appointment with a gifted therapist…like me in a couple of years! My colleagues at Family Tree can help until then, they are really special. See you again soon!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.

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Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com