Dealing With An Affair, Part 1

Jun 30, 2010 | abandonment, affairs, Blog

Thank you for stopping by the Waiting Room today. I’m so glad you did! Today’s topic is actually inspired by request…I have a few friends who read my blog who are either close to folks who are dealing with affair issues or are in an affair themselves, etc. I’m deeply humbled to be asked to blog about what I think about this pain-filled topic. I hope anyone reading this who knows someone going through an affair from any perspective can glean at least one tiny tidbit they can use to help themselves or someone else.

The first thing I would say is that there is just SO much to say! It’s a topic that needs and deserves more than just a short blog, but I’ll try to cover some of the major bullet-points, perhaps in a short series of posts. If you want to read more about it, I’ll have some good resources that I’ll list at the end as well. For now, though, let’s jump right into the deep end and swim our little hearts out!

Most importantly, the first thing that you must hear, absorb, and inwardly digest if you are the cheated-upon spouse is that you are not, repeat NOT, a victim! Sorry to break that to you. I am not minimizing your pain at all, or trying to whack you when you’re down. I really do hate to just come right on out and say it so bluntly, but sweetie, if this is you, you’re just not a victim of your “lyin’, cheatin’, 2-timin’ spouse.” It’s something you have to hear. Even though it seems harsh and maybe even wrong, I’m telling you this not to hurt you, but to give you a fighting chance of possibly saving your marriage. (…and because it’s the truth!) I realize that saving your marriage may not be possible depending on several factors, but at least this seemingly harsh yet actually loving statement can get YOU on a road to healing yourself. When it comes down to it, you are the only person you can change.

The truth of it is, you chose your spouse to hurt you in exactly the way you needed to be hurt to break down your emotional walls. Yep. We are attracted to those who will hurt us like a mosquito to a bug-zapper. We can’t even help it, it’s….instinctual. We are attracted to people who underneath have the worst qualities of those closest to us growing up. Look back into your childhood. If your spouse has had an affair, I can tell you without even knowing anything else about you that somewhere along the way, you were abandoned! Even if your parents both stayed married and lived with you, you were still abandoned somehow. You didn’t get the love and attention you needed in the quantities that little kids need. You chose someone to care for your feelings and to be your need-meeter who was inherently unable to do so, and you stayed with them until they did it. They “loved” you the way you grew to know what love is. Love, abandonment style. I know quite personally of what I speak.

The universe allows us to be attracted to our parents/caregivers worst qualities. It seems like a cosmic joke, but really it is they way we are healed if we let it. If you learn to look at your pain as a gift from the universe (after you stop laughing and saying “ya, right Nance”….read on…I really am serious!), you can learn where you were hurt as a kid, grieve that pain, heal from it, and learn to see, understand, and cope with it. You can learn to let those walls become more permeable and to use healthier ways to deal with it instead of cutting off, playing the victim, or becoming a “control-freak.” Seeing yourself as victimized by your cheating spouse is the best way to not only halt any healing that could have come from this pain, along with driving the death-nail into the coffin of your marriage, but doing so will also ensure that if you get into another relationship down the road, you will choose another cheater to love, just with a different face. Pretty good motivation to figure this stuff out, huh?

Instead of trying to play a victim role, plant your hind-quarters firmly onto a gifted therapist’s couch. Open your eyes and ears to the realities of your issues. It will be extremely difficult to see those issues, and not fall into a victim mentality, without some good guidance. Let them help you learn, grieve, grow, and heal from this absolutely excruciating experience. Gather some meaning from the pain. It’s difficult, but it’s worth it! Stop by again soon and we’ll cover some more ground with this issue.

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Just What Are You Insinuating?

May 25, 2010 | abandonment, Blog, codependency, parenting, shame

I just made myself a cup of Chocolate Donut Coffee. Yep! It’s actually not too bad. Enough sugar and cream can make any cup of coffee tolerable. Grab a cup of your favorite beverage and join me for a few minutes in the waiting room. Thanks for coming by!

I thought of something in a slightly different way this week, and I thought I’d share it. Have you ever thought about how you communicate things you never intended to, that you never tactfully or lovingly would, by insinuation? It can be totally hidden, and you may not even realize you’ve done it, but it can be devastating to the recipients…particularly our kids. I’ll give you an example.

Heather is a quite normal teenage girl who has a distant father who tends to talk down to her. Her mother is a codependent thing; and by definition, that’s another way of saying that she is pretty controlling where Heather is concerned. So as Heather has gone through her formative years with these two role models, she has picked up quite a bit that was insinuated by them. The distance her father has kept by being cutoff, grouchy, or just plain busy has taught Heather non-verbally that she is unlovable and unworthy of his attention. Was he really trying to convey that to her? Probably not. But what he didn’t do was taken that way by Heather. Also by talking down to her in a stern way, whether to teach her, make her mind him, or because he’s in a lot of pain himself; it teaches her by insinuation that she’s inherently bad.

Heather’s mom is teaching her things via insinuation with her codependency as well. In high school Heather got a job, and instead of teaching her how to handle money, pay bills, and that she was capable of doing so, her mom took her paycheck and did it all for her. So what did Heather learn from that? She may have thought at the time on the surface, “this is great, I don’t have to do anything, my mom does it all for me.” But underneath what she really heard was “I’m not even smart enough or worth the time enough for mom to teach me how to do this,” or “I’m not trustworthy.” Mom may have even been just too tired to make the time, and thought it more expeditious to do it that way; but really it was not only socially damaging since her daughter left home not knowing how to pay bills, but it was also emotionally damaging with her insinuating she was not smart enough to learn how.

These kinds of things are not really a news flash for me personally…I had thought of them before. What hit me in a fresh way is how shame-inducing these things actually are! The insinuations we read when we’re kids can give us a pretty good-sized shame filter. Heather’s mom was being controlling at worst, and expeditious at best, by paying Heather’s bills for her; but Heather was actually hearing something quite shaming. And it’s pretty easy to see how a distant father can cause feelings of abandonment in his kids, but there is an underlying shame to it. The kid insinuates that because Daddy doesn’t have time for her that she is not worthy of receiving it! Stuff like this is why shame is so rampant an issue. I’ve heard it described as “the common cold of emotional issues.” Even if parents aren’t shaming their kids outright, kids can still feel it by connecting dots that are unintended.

Think about what you’re insinuating with your kids (or others, too!). (Oh, and please don’t take all of this as a condemnation…no one is perfect. Nobody. Take it as a learning opportunity, or a time to refocus your focus if needed!) If you’re just straight-up too tired or grouchy, kids can take that more personally than you could ever realize. Let them make decisions and mistakes for themselves, it builds confidence and experience. Take the time to teach them and encourage them. If you think you’ve communicated something you didn’t intend to them, tell them the truth, tell them often, and without delay! I heard it said once that it takes 1,000 positive things said to counteract one negative thing said. The number may be a little high, but the concept is right on. One negative statement, or insinuation, takes a lot to undo. Try hard to not heap on any more, and work to heal the ones that have already escaped. It is SO worth the effort!

Hope you enjoyed your coffee break. See you again soon.

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Dude, Just Puke It

Mar 11, 2010 | abandonment, Blog

Back in the day, when I was a member of a therapy group, I had a saying that became the norm for our little troupe when it was time for someone to just “get real.” One of the members of our group would be in pain that week, and would be upset and wanting to vent or play the victim. In a loving group like we had, we felt safe to either hold your hand when you were crying, or bust you over the head when you needed that, too. When somebody was trying to play the victim, eventually I would just tell them, “Dude, you need to puke it.” The new members would look at me like I was “just not right,” but those who had been in group with me for awhile knew just what I meant.

See, everybody has “stuff” inside, painful memories or issues that influence their behaviors and relationships yet today. I drew the analogy that all of that stuff is like a bunch of rotten garbage: stinking, festering, moldy, disgusting crap down inside of you, sealed up in a zip-lock bag, but it leaks. It’s toxic, and it makes us feel lousy. It seeps out and causes us to be reactive, hurtful, abusive, abrasive, or it keeps us in pain and steals our peace. You know what happens to rotten garbage when it’s kept in the dark, wrapped in plastic, and never sees the sun or a breath of air though…it never goes away. It just keeps getting nastier. That stuff is what we are trying to purge when we come to therapy.

What happens, though, if you go outside and vomit some of that stuff out on the sidewalk? Well, when you initially puke, WOW, does it ever wreak! It’s nasty, foul, and let’s be honest…nobody likes to vomit. It’s just not pleasant, and it can make you feel worse for a bit. After a little while outside, though, the sun and wind will begin to dry it up. The rain will begin to wash it away. It won’t stink anymore, and it will be gone! Most importantly, it will not be inside you, affecting your behaviors and emotions anymore. Hiding your stuff away and denying its existence only perpetuates the problem. Getting it out in the open and dealing with it is what makes it go away.

From what I’m told when I reconnect with some of my old “groupies”, they still use that phrase to this day. “As Nancy would say, you need to puke it.” That just makes me smile. So what do you need to puke today? What issues keep you in bondage? Consider puking them out instead of just describing the foul vomit inside of you to others. Something to think about. See you next time.

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.

Topics: inner voice | 1 Comment »

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Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Grace: It’s Not Just For Others

Mar 8, 2010 | abandonment, Blog, grace, inner voice, shame

So let’s just jump right in to catching you up with what’s going on in my recovery. Like I said, I’m going through a divorce. What a rich garden of material to use to learn about myself! All along as I came to this decision, it was and still is very important to me to handle the transition from wife/mom to single/mom well, and with utmost grace. I actually took time to do a study on grace…went to the library and checked out books on grace even…to help me sort through my pain and feelings about the split and learn the best and healthiest way to get through it. (My favorite grace book was “What’s So Amazing About Grace” by Philip Yancey. It’s worth the read.)

So far it has worked pretty well. I do have almost 4 years of recovery work under my belt, but the grace studies helped me work my way through my feelings in a very particular way, and keep me on track. I really wanted to get through my divorce without bitterness in my heart. My husband and I are quite civil with each other, and are able to talk with each other without anger and reactivity. That is something I am SO grateful for/proud of. Divorce is hard enough without more pain being inflicted every time we talk.

What I’ve come to realize lately though is that I don’t really have a problem giving others grace, including my near-ex, because I have had to receive so much! When you feel forgiven yourself, it’s much easier to forgive others. What I’ve been working on lately though, inside me, is giving myself grace. (Now, let me preface this next part by saying that when I talk about “my inner voice,” I’m not saying that I “hear dead people” or that I’m schizophrenic or something! I’m just talking about the voice that everyone hears in their head…that is their thoughts, OK? OK then. Here we go.)

You know, it didn’t really dawn on me that I needed to give myself any of this grace I was working so hard to process through for my divorce, or that I wasn’t already doing so! After all, I’ve been a CHRISTian since childhood, I know I’m forgiven. One of my close friends recently pointed out, however, that if I spoke to my friends the way my inner voice speaks to me in my head, I would not have any friends! Wow. That was just so incredibly true, and hit me like a 2×4. I have some “tapes” in my head that I listen to…well-worn recordings from when I was little on, like we all do… that tell us truths about the way things are. I realized lately how much some of mine are just straight up mean to me! Critical, shaming, and otherwise putting me down. What about you? Am I the only one?

Well, I didn’t know how much that realization was going to affect me. Every time lately that I hear those mean thoughts, I shut them down immediately. Instead of letting that voice beat me to a pulp, I give myself grace and cut myself some slack. I grew up in a hard-core German family with very high moral standards and a strict work ethic. There’s nothing wrong with that, and it does make me a very upstanding, hard-working citizen, sure; but it sometimes feels as if I have a little Nazi in my head! A voice that tells me that I have to measure up, to be excellent, and if I’m not then I’m not worth the air I breathe. Who knew? I knew I had abandonment, but a very respected therapist I heard once at a training said that “all abandonment has underlying shame.” I’ve come to see that that really is true.

Think about it this way. When you have feelings of abandonment, what is really going on underneath it? Someone triggers your abandonment, and your inner voice says “they left me, they don’t love me, and they don’t care about my needs, I’m so sad and hurt.” But what is really underneath that? I think what is really the underlying fear in this situation is shame. The real thought underneath is “they left me, so I’m not worth loving or being cared for.” That is a shame statement. The same is true for shame statements you hear from your inner voice. When your shame is triggered, your inner voice says, “I’m a piece of crap, I will never be good enough.” But what is really going on underneath is a voice that says, “since I can never be good enough, everyone will leave me and no one will love me.” That’s abandonment. And ya know what…and I’ll talk more about this another day…grace is what ultimately heals both abandonment and shame!

I’m just starting to realize that I can still be the best I can be, and be a very hard-working upstanding citizen, without the Nazi in my head kickin’ my ass every minute. I have learned to give myself some grace. I am also learning to rewrite some of the well-rehearsed, nasty things on the “tapes” in my head. Things I didn’t realize needed rewriting because I was so used to hearing it, and I thought they were necessary to keep me from “doing bad things”, as a little kid would say. After all, that’s when I learned to say those things to myself, when I was little.

So there’s where I’m at in my own work this week. Grace: It’s Not Just For Others! It’s for you, inside your own thoughts as well. The realization that I wasn’t giving myself enough grace has brought a ton of healing, more than I knew I needed. I hope I’ve given you something to think about that will bring you some healing too. Stop by again soon.

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com