The Secret Garden

Jun 8, 2014 | abandonment, anxiety, Blog, boundaries, codependency, counterdependency, cut-off, enmeshment, fear, inner voice, making changes, Uncategorized

It feels so good to be blogging again! I have brewed myself a cup of Wild Mountain Blueberry coffee and I’m curled up with my iPad, a blanket, and a kitty laying by me…ready to indulge in something I have been away from for far too long…writing about my passion!

Today I want to talk about the garden of the heart. ”The secret garden” has been heralded in literature, poetry, and song. I love the mental picture of having a beautiful garden in my heart. One of my favorite quick prayers that I breathe when I am feeling strong emotions is “Dear God, please tend to the garden of my emotions.” There is an inherent calm and rest conjured by the image of a lovely garden, particularly with God as the Master Gardener. It helps me remember the beauty that is possible inside of every person. There is a secret garden inside of you, too.

I think this imagery is also a wonderfully analogous way of viewing all kinds of things going on inside of our feelings/heart. Is your garden well pruned, healthy, and thriving; or is it in need of care and a good weeding? Have you spent time on the landscaping, or does it grow wild with any manner of flower or thistle? Do the plants produce wonderful fruit for you and others, or do you emotionally and spiritually go hungry? Do you visit there often, or try to ignore it? Is it growing and alive, or dying and barren?
Maybe you’ve given away portions of your land in the name of acceptance from others. If you have, you can feel it. It feels like not having room to breathe and relax because you have so much to do for everyone around you. Each person is healthily entitled to their own relational space. Many times people will give up portions of who they are and the space they need to exist so that others will believe they are a good person, for example. This is one of the main characteristics of relational enmeshment. The easiest definition of enmeshment is “I’m OK if you think I’m OK.” Now we’re enmeshed…my feelings of peace on the inside are now dependent on you and what you think of me. I’ve just given away some of my power, or my garden, for your cooperation in treating me like I matter and that I’m good. This is co-dependency.

On the flip side of the coin, there is emotional distancing or cutoff. Those who fear enmeshment back away from would-be “enmeshers”. They take pieces of others’ gardens to give themselves enough space to feel safe. If you have taken others’ land, you can feel it, too. It feels like constantly monitoring and managing the feelings and perceptions of others. It offers the illusion of control against the attempted enmeshment of others. Folks that operate this way take on the real estate of anyone who will give it up, and many-times will withhold love and acceptance to get more. This is counter-dependency.

Neither one of these gardening methods are “worse” than the other. They are both equally unbalanced. One is based on a fear of abandonment (“Take my power, strength, self, whatever…anything but leaving me!”), and the other is based on a fear of shame (“Stay back, because if you get to close to me, you will find out how unlovable I really am.”). If you take each one a step deeper, they mirror each other. If someone leaves me, I must be unlovable; and if I’m unlovable, of course they will leave me. This fear in our hearts is the driving force for all manner of controlling and manipulative behaviors that make us emotionally unsafe for one another. Both sides are controlling and manipulative…equally unbalanced, equally reactive. (For more on this, read another one of my blogs: “Two Sides Of The Same Coin”). This fear is represented in our gardens as weeds. The fear, like a weed in a garden, has to be destroyed in order for peace to flourish.
When this peace does flourish in our hearts, we begin to interact with others differently. We no longer seek the acceptance of others by giving up pieces of our land. We no longer try to get more space than we are relationally entitled to, to feel safe. We stop the constant dance of reactivity to closeness and distance, trading who we are for the acceptance of others. We learn how to hold still while being able to move with others compassionately. We become relationally safe, opening ourselves up to true and deep intimacy. We learn…inner peace. Our garden grows beautiful flowers and fruit, and the weeds shrivel and die.

If you would like to learn how to walk the path to your secret garden, and tend to the plants living there, come on in. Let’s get started! There is no time like the present, and no one else can or will do it for you. When it’s time to get your hands dirty and start pulling some weeds, learn how to give land back to people you’ve taken it from, or re-acquire the land you’ve given away…give me a call, I’ll be happy to help you. Thanks for reading!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Healthy Conflict

Dec 1, 2013 | abandonment, anxiety, Blog, codependency, counterdependency, fear, forgiveness, grace, making changes, respect, shame, Uncategorized

I know, right? What a yucky topic: conflict. You might be saying, “I don’t like conflict!” Not many people do. It’s just uncomfortable and many folks are straight-up conflict avoidant. Besides, how could conflict be healthy? Isn’t conflict bad, and aren’t we all supposed to want to achieve a state of no conflict? Well, truth is, there really is such a thing as healthy conflict, and that’s the topic for today. Ready to tackle this one? Here we go.

We all know that none of us are perfect. Narcissists especially, (and the rest of us most of the time too), would love to have you believe they are perfect, but it simply isn’t true. It is inevitable, then, that we are all going to get our feelings hurt from time to time, by our imperfect friends, coworkers, significant others, etc. It’s gonna happen. We’re going to hurt them sometimes, too, no matter how hard we try not to. We have a unique opportunity to gather information during this kind of event though, and can use the information to either perpetuate the hurt and further damage our relationship, or actually help our relationship. That’s right, I said that we can use the inevitable hurts in our relationships to make them better and stronger. This is achieved through the process of healthy conflict.

To demonstrate healthy conflict, I am going to take you through the process in a very typical scenario. I’m also going to point out along the way how each person has the opportunity to change hurtful, damaging conflict into healthy conflict. Let’s take a look at our example couple, John and Anna.

In the first step of healthy conflict, one person says “ouch.” This is a necessity in any healthy relationship. If there is going to be true intimacy and safety in a healthy relationship, each member must know that their feelings are important to the other person and will be heard, especially when those differences or imperfections jump up and bite us in the proverbial rear end. So we’ll begin with Anna, who softly and humbly says “ouch” to John: “John, that behavior you did really hurt my feelings.” John now has the opportunity to grow, learn, understand, and change. This is John’s first opportunity to encourage healthy conflict. He can say, “I want to understand your feelings, tell me more, your feelings are valid, I’m sorry, I will not do this behavior again,” and then John does everything in his power to never do it again. If John does receive this humbly, the conflict ends here. Increased safety in the relationship ensues, Anna feels heard and validated, and John grows. This is the healthiest scenario, both people have done their part. Wouldn’t that be nice? This is possible…however, it pretty rarely goes down that way, right?

It is, after all, extremely difficult and against our natural ego-filled, prideful state (especially for the shame-filled and counterdependent among us) to have the humility to say “I’m sorry” or “I screwed up.” That is paramount to admitting our worst fear: that the person we hurt will now think we really are the bad person we always believed down deep we were. So instead of humbly saying “I’m sorry”, we instead say “you need to change how you feel about this” or some other version of “this is your problem, not mine.” It is very minimizing of the other person’s feelings and completely valid world view, and usually comes out extremely defensive. This kind of response usually causes major damage to the relationship, and hurts the other person’s feelings and triggers their pain even further. They now will likely feel unheard, not understood, like the other person doesn’t care about their feelings, and abandoned. John has just missed his first chance to help heal the situation, and instead has potentially made it MUCH worse. Anna likely feels abandoned and withdraws love and acceptance, John fulfills his lying ‘self truth’ that he is “not worthy of being loved.”

So then what happens? Anna at this point has her first opportunity to have an effect on the dance they are doing. Now this is truly difficult because Anna has made herself vulnerable by saying “ouch”, and in response she has gotten an arrogant and minimizing response. Not exactly a safe situation. And now she is supposed to change her natural response? What is her natural response? It is going to be right in line with John’s worst fear of course…thinking he is a piece of crap and not worthy of being loved. Am I right? After all, John just treated Anna extremely poorly and pridefully…he IS a piece of crap, right? Anna feels justified in thinking as much. While it is true that John did just react with his issues and did not handle it well at all, there is another choice to be made here for Anna, too. Not gonna lie, it’s not easy and it’s going to take some extreme self-control and having your own issues settled down quite a bit. The name of this intervention is GRACE AND DIFFERENTIATION.

Not for the feint of heart, Anna will have to stare her fears of being abandoned and unheard square in the face in order to pull it off. And not only for a minute. She is going to have to hold this discomfort likely for some time, like days. What does this “grace and differentiation” intervention look like? I’m glad you asked. It is understanding John when he gets angry, knowing he has issues biting him in the rear and giving him grace because your issues bite you sometimes, too. Not taking it personally when he cuts off, (and if he is reactive like this, he will). Not chasing him down and insisting we talk about this right now, and letting it percolate, if necessary. (Read my blog about “The Myth of Urgency” here) Holding her ground that she is allowed to feel and think differently than he does, while allowing him to think and feel differently than she does. Now here’s the big one, folks….You Don’t Have To Agree. Oh, we get caught up on this, don’t we? The fear is that if the other person doesn’t agree with us, then they might not love us. It is enmeshed, it is relationally unsafe, and it is unrealistic! But we get caught in this power struggle hell all the time until we let go of the notion that the other person has to agree with us.

So Anna can keep herself safe, stay non-reactive, hold her own opinion about the situation, give John space to come back toward her or not (that’s the hard part where she has to risk and really feel her abandonment), and keep…oh, this one is hard…loving and accepting him for where he is. If John continues to act the same way time after time, every time Anna says “ouch”, their relationship will suffer tremendously and it will eventually end. And vice versa. If Anna were to react with the attitude of “get over it” every time John says “ouch”…same thing. Most people really don’t expect their partner to be perfect when it comes down to it, but they do need to see genuine sorrow at, and a turning away from, the behaviors that hurt them. They need their partners to have humility, and grow.

There is a major pitfall to avoid, and it needs to be addressed. Sometimes, people will take on too much and become a doormat. This is equally unbalanced with being too prideful. I am not suggesting this over-correction, or co-dependency. What I am suggesting is an acceptance by both people that they each have a different view, both are valid, and they don’t have to agree. They do, however, have to learn where their partner’s pains are and be sensitive to them, if they want their partner to stay in relationship with them. If we play that out, it looks like this: John says “I understand this behavior hurts you, but I’m going to keep doing it anyway because in my world view, I’m right.” and Anna will go on her way, eventually. She does not agree that the behavior is OK with her, and she doesn’t have to agree. Is the behavior in question a deal breaker for either person? Then they will likely not have a relationship for long. That’s OK, and they can each go on their way agreeing that neither is going to change.

The alternative is that John, in this case, says “I understand that this hurts you, how can we do this differently, with me understanding your pain, and you understanding what I need, too?” Now there is a mutual humility. All of you Anna’s out there, wouldn’t you respond favorably to THAT? Anna agrees. That is a safe relationship. Anna can realize John’s reasons for his behavior and any fears that may drive it so as to not take his behavior personally, and John can work on becoming softer and more careful with Anna’s feelings. John grows in sensitivity, and Anna grows in grace. Now the relationship is doing it’s job: refining them both.

If your partner can’t quite do the humility thing, yet, you can change the dynamic anyway. And if they refuse to find some humility, you can have the strength to eventually locate the door to the relationship as well. If you are the one that can’t do the humility thing yet, I pray that you can soon. All of your relationships will suffer and ultimately likely end if you cannot find some. Humility is the life blood of good relationships. If you want to be able to pull off the grace and differentiation intervention, you are going to need help getting your own issues under control. I can help you with that. Email me at neisenmanftca@gmail.com Let’s get started.

Thanks for reading!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Step Three, Check!

Sep 9, 2013 | anxiety, Blog, dreams, faith-based living, goals, Uncategorized

It’s time for another update on my road to becoming an MSW, LSW, LCSW….

I have now just begun my final year of graduate school. I have finished 36 hours (of 60) and I’m currently engaged in completing 13 more. In the spring of 2014 I will have 11 left, and then…GRADUATION. I have 245 days left to the big day, to be exact. (Yes, I have a countdown app on my phone.) Right now I am taking 3 classes and 20 hours per week of practicum. Whew! If you’re thinking that this sounds like a lot, you would be correct. I have cut down my administrative work to approximately 1 day per week, and the rest of the time you can find me creating lots of new neuropathways in the classroom, reading books and articles, and learning at my practicum site.

I was thinking of writing about balance, and how important that is in life. The truth is, when you are a single mom and graduate student and office manager and friend and family member and….all the other hats I’m wearing right now…balance is a very elusive thing. I think it is pretty much impossible to really be balanced when that much is going on. So I’m trying to remember to take care of my golf balls. Yes, I said golf balls. You’re intrigued now, aren’t you?

Golf balls are quite important, you see. I think about this demonstration I saw once where the speaker held up an empty quart jar. He filled the jar with golf balls. Then he asked if the jar was full. Yes, the audience agreed that it was indeed full of golf balls. Then he poured into the jar a couple of handfuls of pebbles. Now is the jar full, he asked? Yes, the audience agreed that it was full. Next he dumped in some sand. He shook and tapped the jar on the table until the spaces between the pebbles had filled with sand. Now, he said, surely the jar is full. Yes, the audience laughed, now it is full. Then he poured in two cups of coffee. They fit into the remaining space with ease.

The moral of this story? The contents of the jar are analogous to our lives. The golf balls are the big things in life. The most important things like family and friends. We can have a full life with only these things. The pebbles are things that are less important, but still take up time. The sand is all the little things, like errands and such. The speaker encouraged us to make sure we knew which things in our lives were most important, and to make sure to put those into our lives first. If you were to add the sand and pebbles first, the golf balls would not fit. When asked about the coffee, he stated that even if you’re busy with all of these things in your life, you still have time to have a cup of coffee with a friend once in awhile. Great analogy, don’t you think?

So I want to take this opportunity to say Thank You to my golf balls….the people in my life who are most important to me. You have encouraged me, helped me, held me up when I was too tired to go on, cheered for me, and supported me like crazy in this difficult journey. To my sons Evan and Jake. You cheer me on and keep me grounded with driveway basketball, movie nights, and all our other QT, and can’t wait for me to graduate 19th grade and become a “feelings doctor”. To my FOO (that’s Family Of Origin)…Dad and Mom, Dan, Jane, Lar, Sal, Gail, and Anne and your families. You pray for and encourage me and help me to remember why I’m on this crazy journey! After all…you guys started it! : ) To the best friends and mat carriers a girl could ever ask for…Kathy and Nicole. You pick me up off the turf, keep me in line, and nurture me when I need it. To Phil, Kim, Eddie, the extended care ladies, and everyone at my church. How can I ever thank and repay you for your kindnesses to me? You are the hands and feet of Christ. And of course to the Family Tree staff who has taught me so much…Mark, Jerry, Andy, Jenn, Christy, Angie, Javan, Steve, Karen, and Jeff…and my Thursday night groupies. You have helped me heal, and shown me how to help others heal. Thank you all for your support and helping me make it this far. I could not have done it without you guys. We’re almost there!!!

Thank you most of all to my Heavenly Father. He takes my breath away and absolutely spoils me. My gratitude for His grace overflows.

Now, one day at a time. One hour at a time. One minute at a time…however far I have to break it down to make it to the next. The next time I check in, it will be to tell you I have graduated! Keep stopping back in the mean time, I will post more stuff that I’m learning whenever I can. Thanks to you, too, for reading my work. I really appreciate it.

Nancy Eisenman, MSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

The Myth Of Urgency

May 5, 2013 | anxiety, Blog, family systems theory, making changes, Uncategorized

I’m glad you stopped by The Waiting Room today because we are going to chat about a topic that can give you some amazing freedom to relax during conflict! Fix a cup of your favorite warm beverage and join me for a few quiet moments during a busy day.

If you have read many of my posts, you will find that I am a student of the concept of differentiation. Differentiation can be described as an ability to control or minimize over-reactivity in the presence of real or perceived relational closeness or distancing. (See other posts to describe differentiation more fully here and here). It is not so much a difficult idea to grasp as much as it is a difficult idea to put into practice in life and relationships!

The big deal here is that if one is to be differentiated, they must be able to control their reactivity long enough to catch themselves from taking the bait of over-reacting. Wow, I cannot tell you how difficult that is. Invariably, in order to do so with any kind of success, you must have a very good understanding of your particular set of wounds, and a good deal of healing and grieving under your belt as well, because your partner is so adept at finding your buttons and pushing them quite vigorously!

So say something happens that makes you very angry. My last post discussed how Anger = Ouch. It’s pretty safe to say that when most folks feel angry or ouch, they have an almost reflex-like reaction to protect and/or counter-attack. Makes sense, right? Our dear old lizard brain survivalist mode kicks into effect and LOOK OUT! Fight or flight is pretty automatic. If we’re used to fighting about the same thing over and over for years, we may be able to control a raging outburst, but the temper and the pain and the resentment still stews inside.

What I am going to suggest today is going to give you and me a bit of permission to pause. Yep. I’m talking about stopping that whole fight or flight mess that gets us into SO much trouble, and giving ourselves some time to think and reflect before reacting. Sound easy? Perhaps not. What would it be like for you to be able to stop just before an argument starts, and keep it from turning into a bloodbath? Ooo. That is worth the price of admission right there, isn’t it?

So here’s what it looks like. Your partner says something that ticks you off. Now, immediately there is a choice to make. Do I go with the lizard and fight back? Or perhaps run away and retreat? Maybe you’re battle savvy with your particular lunkheaded partner, you’ve got some walls and some scars already from fighting them, and you simply give a laser-like glare and let some good-sized resentment build. Stop. Intervene with yourself and your thoughts right here. There is a myth being believed right in this moment that is going to leave you completely unsatisfied with the outcome of this fight, whatever it is. This is the myth of urgency.

It is actually not urgent that you defend yourself right that moment. It is not crucial that you crush the other person right then, or run away immediately. You can be just fine in that moment without doing either one. Let that one soak in for a second. I can be just fine in this moment without reacting immediately. The ability to hold still in this moment will allow you to react with thoughtfulness, calmness, and after thinking first!

Can you see how much better your reaction will always be if you really think before reacting? You can also take that time to take stock of and honor your own feelings. Your response can be planned and on your own terms, instead of your partners terms and under the influence of your wounds. You can actually take a moment in that time as well to consider the other persons true intentions (which, by the way, are almost never about wanting to hurt you), and also remember their wounds and care for their feelings. Beautiful.

I cannot tell you how many millions of times I have fallen into the trap of the myth of urgency. I would have to admit that I tend to be a bit on the stubborn side sometimes when needing to learn difficult lessons. I have finally figured out, though, that I do not have to react in that very moment. It does not mean I’ve given up my right to discuss it later or choose a course of action later. It does mean I am claiming my right to get ahold of my reactivity before engaging with my partner, and this can only mean a cleaner and clearer picture of the situation and a less volatile encounter.

So I’m not suggesting that this is easy or that anyone can do it without practice. I’m only saying that it is possible, and the skill is beyond worth learning. Remember that freedom I was talking about? It comes from humbly seeking to heal ourselves and get a handle on our reactivity. I’m going to make a pretty bold statement here: Differentiation is the cure for anxiety. It allows us to relax from the pull of over-reactivity.

Pre-requisites for learning this skill are some teachability, some motivation, trust, and most of all…humility. We can start from the beginning or wherever you are on your journey, just bring an open heart. Come on in, let’s get to work.

Nancy Eisenman, MSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Differentiation 205

Sep 13, 2012 | abandonment, anxiety, Blog, cut-off, family systems theory, fear, goals, Uncategorized

Welcome to The Waiting Room today! It is a BEAUTIFUL fall morning, and I have just made myself a cup of Wild Mountain Blueberry coffee. Yummy! Curl up on your favorite comfy chair and join me for a short siesta. Once again, today we are working on differentiation.

So I have posted before about this crazy differentiation word. I will likely post about it again in the future as well. You see, this notion of differentiation really IS “where it’s at.” If you can work toward incorporating this concept, this way of thinking and relating, into your life…you will absolutely have not only greater peace inside your mind, but ALL of your interpersonal relationships will not be able to be anything but more healthy, balanced, fulfilling, safe, calm, close, loving….these wonderful words and many more.

To recap then, what is differentiation? The simplest description of it I can come up with is this: “knowing who you really are, and having the ability to control your anxiety, (remaining non-reactive), to real or perceived fluctuations between emotional and relational closeness and distancing of others.” OK, one more time in English… “to not freak out when you think someone is cutting off or pulling away from you, or trying to get too close or intimate.” For example, you all know “commitment-phobes”…they have anxiety over someone getting too close. What about the person who chases after the commitment-phobe? They have fears about being alone. How about a little less obvious…What about a husband that avoids/hates deep, connected, or intimate conversations? What about a wife who is lonely? This is all anxiety about closeness and distance. We ALL have this going on inside of us to some extent.

I am here to tell you…controlling this anxiety inside is SOOO not an easy thing to pull off! Not even kidding. Sakes! It first takes an awareness of what it is and when you’re doing it, no small feat, and then you have to be able to act counter-intuitively to how you have always acted while protecting yourself from emotional wounding. It is un-learning your learned defensiveness and facing your worst fears head-on. You literally have to overcome the natural protective instincts of the most powerful part of your brain, sometimes referred to as your “Lizard Brain” or “Reptilian Brain”, which I have blogged about before. Beware The Timeless Lizard

Let’s work a little deeper on this today, and move toward a better understanding of what differentiation looks like. I attended a training given by our resident expert on differentiation, Jerry Wise. He gave us a sheet that describes the 5 characteristics of self-differentiation that I wanted to share with you. Here they are:

“A Sense of My Own Limits, And The Limits of Others. A clear understanding of where I end and someone else begins; respect for the right of others to be the way they are, but refusing to allow others to intrude upon one’s own rights; defined from within, rather than adapting to please others.
Clarity About What I Believe. What would I die for, and what’s not worth it? Of what am I certain, and of what am I not so certain?
Courage To Take Stands. Defining where I stand and what I believe, in the face of disapproval; refusing to give in to another when it is a matter of principle; capacity to stand firm in the face of strong reactions. (ex. “You can’t think, act, feel that way and be a part of this family!”)
The Ability To Stay On Course. Resolve to follow through toward a vision in spite of sabotage; emotional and spiritual stamina to stick with a lofty goal and not let others’ reactions change your course.
Staying Connected In Spite Of It All. Maintaining a relatively non-reactive give-and-take with those who are reacting to you, (easier said than done!); resisting the impulse to attack or cut-off from those who are most reactive to you.

The first three have to do with self-definition. The last two have to do with self-regulation. BOTH are necessary for a healthy relationship. Definition of Self is a life-long process, in which we can only take small steps at any one time. The essential capacity one must develop is that of self-regulation (taking responsibility for the management of one’s own anxiety and reactivity.)” (Leave me a message if you want to know the source of this, and I will see if Jerry has it.)

Nowadays, most of the time I can call myself out when I am under the influence of my issues/wounds by admitting, “That was clearly not my most differentiated moment.” Yep! It takes a long time to get the hang of it, and then ya still slip sometimes. While I have been working on this change in me for about 6 years now, and have a lot of really good successes, I still have my moments. Oh boy, do I have my moments.

“So, then,” you ask, “why bother? This sounds like a slow, arduous process.” Yes it is, but the more I study and learn, the more I know that self-differentiation is the completely worthy goal and it is so incredibly powerful when it comes to inner and relational peace. It’s lifelong, and difficult, and it’s not about “how-to lists”; but rather about hearing and learning from experiences and insights, followed by a readiness to grow and change. Even small changes can make a huge difference in relationships and in your mind. Changing your life’s focus and paradigm to a goal of continued differentiation will alter, for the better, both how you feel inside and how you interact and love everyone.

Thanks for reading, and have a differentiated day!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Chameleons

Jul 22, 2012 | abandonment, anxiety, Blog, codependency, enmeshment, fear, inner voice, shame, Uncategorized

Chameleons are probably not a subject you would ever think I would blog about, right? No, I’m not taking a turn for veterinary science or lizardology. I mean, what is a therapist wannabe gonna say about chameleons or anything else in the wild kingdom? Today we are going to discuss a type of personality that has been termed “chameleon.”

Chameleons are lizards that blend in and adapt to their surroundings so as not to be readily seen. Do you know any people who seem to exhibit this kind of relating to others? Have you ever met anyone who could adapt to any situation and seemingly thrive in any setting? Maybe the chameleon is with someone who likes to be the center of attention at a party. They come out of their shell and become more outgoing to match the other person. Perhaps they are in a setting with a very somber group. They become quiet and subdued. Maybe in another setting the chameleon will act very religious or chaste, while the next moment becoming vulgar or mean.

Why do chameleons blend into their surroundings in nature? It is a defense mechanism. It’s no different in the case of the chameleon personality. An intense fear of abandonment or shame for example can cause people to adapt to whatever situation presents itself in order to preserve perceived connections with others. The chameleon doesn’t have a strong sense of self. They borrow the “self” or personality of others to gain attention and acceptance.

This is actually a lonely and anxiety-filled way of relating to others. What fears does the chameleon face? They fear being their authentic selves because they might be abandoned if the others find out who the chameleon believes they are on the inside. On the inside, the chameleon believes he/she is not lovable. They fear the aloneness and rejection they will face if someone sees them, really sees them for who they are, and doesn’t like what they see. Having these scary feelings…it literally feels like it would be worse than death. Therefore, adapting to situations by giving up “self” to be acceptable becomes necessary for their very survival.

When it comes down to it, they end up giving up who they are, trading peacefully living as the beautiful person they are on the inside, for the anxiety of trying to belong. The voice in their heads constantly tells them that no one will accept them for who they are. It is a private hell of their own making. They refuse to believe how breathtaking they are! (And not because they’ve earned it, but because they ARE.) Each person is a unique and beautiful creature, lovable for exactly who they are. Many of us don’t believe it. We tell ourselves the lie that all of the painful times we experienced anything that resembled rejection in our childhoods were reflections of how lovable we are. I would invite you to stop believing this lie.

If we look a little bit deeper…and if you see yourself as a chameleon, this feedback might sting a little bit…chameleon behavior is also actually controlling of others. Attempting to control others is about making your own environment safe for yourself. If I can control others, I don’t have to be afraid of them, right? So as a chameleon, I am going to attempt to control your perception of me, in essense attempting to force you to accept me and pay attention to me. When it comes down to it, this is an invasive way of relating to others. It is also ultimately a temporary illusion at best, because we can’t really control how others feel or think…not in the context of a healthy relationship, or with any kind of long-term efficacy. Eventually someone you are trying to “trick” will catch on, and the chameleon can be seen.

Taking the risk to love yourself for who you are is a dangerous and scary notion, but it is the truth, and it is the growth we must pursue if we are going to have a mind filled with peace and self-acceptance. We will also no longer need to control or invade others, making us safer for them to choose to connect with us. When you can accept yourself, you can give acceptance to others most freely too, not codependently or in a controlling way, and not in an unbalanced “I’m-going-to-trade-my-self-for-your-acceptance” way. Think about accepting yourself more completely, with all of your beautiful, breathtaking, and brilliant colors. Risk letting the world see who you REALLY are, because that authentic self inside of you is AMAZING!

Thanks for reading! Have a beautiful day!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.

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Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com