Wow. Just wow. COVID-19. Just saying it, speaking it, seeing it written, it strikes fear in many of us, anxiety in some, terror in others, grief in still others, or even a combination of more than one emotion in many of us. Sometimes there are no words to make things better, sometimes there isn’t anything I can say, or think to say that will make life seem like it’s a little bit easier, a little bit brighter. We are all having to come to terms with COVID-19 and what is going on around the globe right now. We are in a perpetual state of living in the unknown. This is something many of us humans go about attempting to avoid. We try to control, or predict, the world around us to the best of our abilities. Now, this doesn’t make it so, but it does give us the illusion that we have control at least in our little corner of the world.
Today I want to share some ways to help us lessen the trauma we are all going through during this COVID-19 pandemic. I was watching a video the other day by Bessel van der Kolk (2020), a leading trauma expert in our world right now, where he shared several tips about how to lessen the trauma we are experiencing with COVID-19 and I’d like to pass along some of that information to you.
First things first, COVID-19 makes it apparent that we hardly control anything, other than ourselves; and even that is sometimes. Okay, now, that that piece is out of the way; what can we control?
We can control if we keep moving by exercising, going for a walk, using an at-home workout app, some places even have virtual workout classes so we can get some socializing in too!
We can control if we meditate or pray. There are many apps for meditation or prayer. I like the Calm app for meditation (there are a couple of free meditations), but there are other apps out there too. Find what works for you!
We can control if we attempt to have a routine, but a routine with balance! Routine is great for kids too. Place a routine somewhere that everyone can see it. I did this for my kiddos who can’t read yet and added pictures with the words, so they can look at it and know what to expect. Obviously this COVID-19 has turned our worlds upside down, so having a sense of routine can help us have a little bit of predictability, while knowing it doesn’t have to go perfectly because nothing in this world is perfect. Even our day at work, if planned, doesn’t go completely as planned every day. Sometimes things will pop up during our workday, like an emergency meeting, or someone popping into your office to chat, and the same thing happens when we work from home, just in different ways. It’s okay if we end up distracted for 15 minutes by doing dishes, or taking a 15 minute walk, we do those things naturally at work, and just because we are at home now (for most of us) doesn’t mean we can’t take breaks.
We can control if we have time to play together as a family, while also remembering to take time for ourselves. Both are equally important even when we aren’t in a pandemic. We can play family board games, cards, play outside in our yards, etc. If you aren’t with loved ones, or are quarantined, you can still meet virtually. What a great time to have electronics at our disposal! There are even ways we can play games together or watch TV together.
We can control if we notice our own feelings and allow those feelings to move through us. We cannot control our loved ones and their feelings, as much as we may want to right now! Often this noticing happens when we are having time to ourselves.
We can control reminding ourselves that this is a season in our lives. We will eventually be back together in person again. We just don’t know when yet. Knowing that this season has an end is helpful because it tells our brain that there is an end and something else to look forward to. It’s like when we anticipate spring weather by the time March rolls around for us here in Indiana.
We can control if we reach out when we are struggling. Please reach out to someone sooner rather than later. If you are struggling, call a therapist, if needed, many are offering secure virtual sessions or phone sessions as we go through this season. And if you are in an unsafe situation, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255, or text the Crisis Text Line at 741741 (all the above resources are available 24/7).
Finally, try to offer yourself some grace and compassion as we all grapple with the pandemic of COVID-19. It is important to know that if you are unable to do these things above, that’s okay too. Please try not to be too hard on yourself. In times like these, no one really knows what is best and we are all doing the best we can to survive moment to moment.
How would you like to attend therapy, and potentially not even have to talk during therapy? You don’t have to worry about someone judging you for what you’ve said, or done, or are wanting to do; you can just go and work through all of it without uttering a word? This can be how some experience a new type of therapy called Brainspotting. Now, I’m not saying I wouldn’t do an assessment when someone first comes in, but once that part is done, we can get into some of the Brainspotting experiences and you may not have to say anything!
I attended two trainings this year where I learned about this therapy and I’ll be honest, I thought was kind of weird, but the more I learned and experienced with Brainspotting; the more it made sense. Okay, Brainspotting is an odd word, so let’s start with trying to explain what it is in a nutshell. The premise behind Brainspotting is “where you look affects how you feel,” (Grand, 2013). Have you ever noticed yourself staring off into space, or seen others do the same and it seems like they are somewhere else? That can potentially be one type of Brainspot, called a Gazespot. What we are doing is using the Brainspot to affect how we feel! Essentially, Brainspotting harnesses the power of the part of our brain (what I call the Lizard Brain ) that can process much faster than the part of our brain we use in normal talk therapy, which is the Prefrontal Cortex (our cognitive thoughts we are aware of), through our eyes. It also allows us to utilize both the left and right sides of our brain.
There are two other types of Brainspots we can use. One of them is called an “activation spot,” where we become more activated about a certain event, thought, image, etc. It is the spot where we look, and we feel more intensely. I usually call it the “oh crap” part of the emotional wave. The 3rd type of Brainspot is called a “resource spot.” This type of spot is where we look when we want to feel calm and grounded. I usually liken this to how I feel when I’m on a beach somewhere watching the sunset. We all somewhat already do this naturally, by gazing at a certain spot. For example, If you sit at your desk at work, you may have certain places you look when someone interrupts you that you glance at for a few milliseconds, and then you turn around to talk with them and are somewhat calmer from having looked at that spot.
Another component to this type of
therapy is connecting us back with our bodies. For example, we sometimes don’t
like how we feel in our bodies because, really, who wants to feel like crap? What
we end up doing sometimes is try not to feel what’s going on in our bodies as a
defense mechanism, which can be a good thing, until it’s not. One of the things
I often ask clients is where they notice the feeling in their body to reconnect
themselves with themselves as we go through the process. (Yes, I realize how
new-age-y this sounds, but I wouldn’t be writing about it if it didn’t work).
If you will humor me for just a
moment you can see what I mean. If you want, think of something that is
activating for you; whether that’s an argument you’ve had with a loved one,
someone cut you off in traffic on the way to work this morning, or something frustrating
that happened at work. Okay, have it? Now, close your eyes and when you open
them, don’t think about it, just let your eyes go where they want to go and
hold them there. When you do, just notice; do you feel more activated, more
annoyed, frustrated, or “oh crap”? Or do you feel calmer and more grounded?
This is just a quick example of how natural and powerful Brainspotting is. Yes,
there is way more to it, and I certainly don’t pretend to know everything that
goes into it because I am still learning, but it’s a start.
I am not saying that we will do Brainspotting once, feel fantastic and be done, but it is more like accessing the supercomputer already inside of us, and we ride out the waves of whatever we notice. Yes, we can use Brainspotting for trauma therapy, but we can really use it for just anything that triggers us, or activates, us emotionally, AND we potentially don’t even have to talk! One of my favorite aspects of Brainspotting, besides not having to talk, is the idea that the client is doing all the work and allowing me to witness a beautiful process take place where the clients heal themselves.
Before I begin my blog post, I want you to know I am okay, I have fantastic support, and I have been ready for this moment, and I am at peace so do not feel sorry for me because I truly am okay. Now, some of you may know, I recently lost my mom to cancer this year. Yes, this year; 6 days in. It was a crazy but calm, up and down, and long but short, ride. I bring this topic up because I want you to know; I know grief, and let’s be real: it sucks.
Now what I want to talk about is what does grief look like? It looks like someone quietly holding their loved one’s hand fighting back tears, it looks like someone bawling loudly regardless of where they are, it looks like someone snapping at a loved one, or snapping at anyone who asks a question. It looks like a group of people huddled around sharing about the good times the bad times and all the times in between. It looks like someone wanting a quiet moment only for themselves. It looks like a group of people in the same room not saying a word. It looks like tears, it looks like hugs, it looks like pushing people away, it looks like relief that this journey is over. Maybe it even looks like..joy? A smile pasted on so the world doesn’t see the hurt underneath. It looks like prayer, meditation, confusion, shock and awe all at once. Basically, all of this to say that whatever you feel in your moment of grief however long or brief it may be; it is normal. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Each individual person will grieve in his or her own way. So, please understand that just because someone isn’t grieving like you, doesn’t mean they aren’t grieving. It simply means each of you are grieving in the way that is unique to you. There will be shock, there will be numbness, there will be things that need to get done that you don’t really want to do. So, take moments for you to grieve, what ever that means for you.
One way to help through grief is knowing and doing some self-care, but sometimes that can go out the window because let’s be real, life can be messy and dealing with loss of a loved one and other family members can be rough when everyone’s emotions are spiraling. One way to help is to c create space where you can allow yourself to have your feelings around grief because having them and not judging them (regardless of what they are, even if they seem weird and off the wall) is going to help tremendously. And it might seem counter-intuitive to some, but sometimes sharing what you are thinking, or feeling (depending on what it is) can be something everyone is thinking or feeling at some point in time. This helps because it lets us know we are not alone in grief and that others understand. And you don’t have to go through grief alone, find a friend, find a support group, find a counselor you can trust, who won’t judge you for feeling angry that your loved one left you, or angry at yourself because you missed an opportunity to be with your loved one.
Find someone to talk with, someone who can simply sit with you in silence (it’s a lot harder than people think, but sometimes that is what we need the most in our moments of grief-space together). What do I mean by space together, sitting with someone in silence, allowing them to share, if and when, they want to without offering advice, or platitudes that even we don’t really believe. Simply sit and listen, you would be amazed at what you can learn about others and ourselves. There are so many other ways of self-care, so even if what I have talked about isn’t what works for you, that’s okay. Do what works for you. One book I might suggest is Tear Soup: A Recipe for Healing After Lossby Chuck DeKlyen and Pat Schwiebert if you want more resources (and yes it looks like a children’s book, but it is not).
I was talking with some people the other day and all I could keep thinking about was transitions, especially as we all transition to this new year of 2019. What are transitions? When are we in transition periods? Well, one is the new year. We think about how our past year has been and what we hope for the new year as it begins. Basically, we transition any time there is a change (and this happens more often than once a year!). During the new year, we all start thinking about whether, or not, we will make a New Year’s Resolution. I am curious about why we do, or do not, make them. Regardless if you are one who does make New Year’s Resolutions or not, how do you feel about them? How do you feel about them now? How do you feel about them in the past? How will you feel about them in a month? Six months from now? At the end of the year?
Have you ever wondered if you are ready to make the changes on your New Year’s Resolution list? I ask because it doesn’t matter what time of year it is, when we are ready, we will just do it (such as starting to exercise, cleaning out our clutter, starting that new business, working on our relationships etc). Until we are ready, it isn’t going to happen because there are things we still need to work through and let go of thinking we can control them. For example, maybe we want to control our kids, our parents, our relationships, etc. Well, sorry to burst your bubble, but there isn’t much we do have control of in this world. And when I try to control my actions, and it isn’t something I want to do; I am going to not do it, basically giving my middle finger to the world. And then what do we do? When we do not complete or finish our list, we can sometimes beat ourselves up about not completing our goals. BUT! Not to worry, you are among friends, less than 1% of people are still working on their New Year’s Resolutions in the first 2 weeks of February. Yes, you heard me correctly, less than 1%. Why? The answer is simple, because people don’t want to, which is totally fine! We do what we want, not necessarily what we need to do. Oftentimes I think about trying to hold onto something because it gives me the illusion of control over something that I don’t really have control of. Okay, so what can I control then? Myself. Sometimes.
Okay, well, now I possibly know I am not ready for the things on my New Year’s Resolution list, now what? Well, now we can talk about what are the things that are bothering you, poking you, peeving you off (perhaps this blog?). What is holding you back from doing what you truly want to do and not beating yourself up about it? We can do that alone, but sometimes it is easier looking at those things with someone who isn’t also going to beat us up about not finishing every, last thing on our New Year’s Resolution list. So, I’ll ask again, how do you feel about New Year’s Resolutions?
Thank you for reading and I truly do hope this is a wonderful, peaceful year for you!
I have been looking at photography pictures and different photographers the last few weeks, which I love because each of their perspectives on people, things, animals, settings, etc. are all different. I found a project that involved filling people’s physical scars, from surgery, from stretch marks, etc. with gold paint of some kind. Similar to an ancient art of filling cracked pots in with gold to showcase their beauty.
I have been thinking about this idea of scars and suffering being filled with gold. I struggle with the idea that gold (or anything) has to fill, or cover, those scars or suffering. Because what is a scar? It is a healed wound. What I see instead of covering up those places of suffering and grief is allowing those places to be seen and the beauty that there is in our hurt places and not just our physical scars. This makes me think about an idea that there is so much beauty in our sorrow, if we will allow ourselves to experience our sorrow and grief because on the other side of it, we can see how it has helped us to grow. And, oh, if we can hang on through that type of journey, there is so much peace and joy there.
Why do we want to cover up? We want to cover up because the world has taught us that we aren’t worth it, that no one wants to be with us, that we can’t ever get to that place of being okay. And our wounds may be deep, or too raw for us to handle appropriately. And so, we cover it up, we pretend we are okay on the outside, when inside we are screaming out in pain (and sometimes that pain lashes out at other people), and sometimes we don’t recognize it. We think about what horrible people we are, or what horrible people others are, or maybe both, or how horrible this world is.
We all carry our own grief and sorrow with us; it doesn’t mean we have experienced a deep trauma like physical abuse, sexual abuse, loss of a loved one, been in a traumatic event like a car accident, etc. (although those hurt us deeply as well). We are truly still all little kids inside who are hurting and seeking attention. And we think that if we must experience pain and loss one more time, we won’t make it; so we cover it up, we hide, we seek attention from other people. When, really if we experience that grief, sorrow, and pain, then we can start to see the beauty of ourselves. Then we can begin to experience who we truly are, then we can start to heal those places.
Think about how much resilience and strong each of us has in covering up our grief, sorrow, shame, and abandonment. We tend not to think of ourselves in that way of resilient because it may mean how we have been in past relationships, or how we have been with our parents, or how we cope, but that is where the healing begins. It starts by recognizing how we have made it to where we are and why. The journey begins by figuring out the TRUTH about who we are, and that doesn’t mean platitudes, it means finding truth in what we believe. It means recognizing where our lashing out in relationships comes from, recognizing where our hiding from relationships comes from, where our anxiety comes from. It doesn’t come from this idea that we are weird, or not normal. No. It is because we are hurt creatures walking this world with other hurt creatures. It isn’t about covering up the pain with gold and pretending it didn’t happen. It is more about seeing the beauty in our wounds. So, if you are tired of covering up the pain, and want to seek out some true healing, then seek help with the person that is right for you. And if you don’t want to, then don’t! You get to decide and do what is right for you.
I recently read Matthew Kelly’s Book, “The Seven Levels of Intimacy,” and it was a fantastic read. I recommend reading it if you are trying to figure out why we do, or do not, share certain things with certain people. The best way I can think of to describe how we communicate with others is thinking about how different people get into and out of the swimming pool. For example, sometimes people cannonball and splash right into the frigid water, sometimes people dip their toe in and run for the lounge chairs. These are two types of extreme communicators and both types tend to make us wonder what the other person’s problem is. Kelly (2005) does an excellent job of describing this process and how it is continuous, and we do this with all kinds of people, especially with our spouse/significant other. It is more typical for us to dip in slowly and continue walking deeper and deeper with people who are not going to harm us in the pool of intimacy. Sometimes, we find that it seems that the people we are supposed to trust the most, are attacking us like seals being hunted by sharks.
According to Kelly (2005), We share clichés with everyone, “Hey, how are you?” with the grocery store greeter, or we use these to lighten a serious mood. We share facts, both impersonal, and personal. We share our opinions, our hopes and dreams, our fears, our insecurities, and finally our “legitimate needs” (Kelley,2005). We do this slowly, but it doesn’t always happen this way, nor does it happen in a level to level form (from 1 to 7). We can use multiple levels in one conversation! It’s like we get into the pool and we test the waters and swim around to get accustomed to it. Sometimes we get out of the pool, and sometimes we get accustomed to unsafe waters; waters where there are sharks, and we wonder what the heck is going on?! How did we get here? I thought we were swimming together in a pool, when suddenly we are swimming out in the open ocean surrounded by sharks. What do we do now? Now, we must be willing to tackle our own sharks (the things we are holding onto, keeping us from truly being in relationship with one another), those are the ones that are threatening the relationships, those are the ones threatening us. If we do this, we can share our legitimate needs with our partners. We all have our own share of sharks.
