What Are You Ruminating About?

Sep 14, 2010 | Blog, family systems theory, inner voice

Today’s topic is about something that hit me while I was sitting in class the other day. The teacher said that she realized she had been “ruminating” about a visit with a client of hers for two days afterward. She just couldn’t get it out of her head and kept running it through her mind over and over. “Finally,” she said, “I looked at myself and said, ‘What’s going on inside me that’s causing me to ruminate over this for two days?’”

That struck me. Although the teacher did not answer herself in class, it sounded to me as though she began to realize that what was going on inside of her was not actually a problem she was having in dealing with a difficult client, but a pain inside of her. What was going on inside of her that made her unable to disconnect and let go from that situation?

I think we do this pretty often as human beings. We ruminate over problems or interactions with people that either are a source of conflict or that generate strong feelings. I think a lot of times what I historically do in this situation is look for the solution…how could I have handled that better, how could have the other person done something differently, etc. One looks outside of me, and one looks inside, only not very deeply. What I have failed to do in the past has been to look deeper inside of myself and see why this situation is churning me up so much. Instead of focusing on the situation or problem, I need to focus on my reaction to it, and the cause of that over-reaction.

It goes back to that family systems paradigm basic tenet that you must back up and look at the whole map so you can see what’s going on, instead of continually focusing on one small part of it. See the forest instead of the individual trees. I’m amazed at the paradox…how pulling away from something and looking at it from farther away (in other words, going into my own issues wider and more deeply) can bring the whole picture into sharper focus, and make the details all make sense.

What are you ruminating about? Is something proverbially “stuck in your craw”? Instead of looking at the other person, or pining over how you could have done it better, look for the cause of the discomfort inside of you. Why am I still thinking about this? What issues of mine does it illuminate? Where is the pain? Backing up from the details and looking at the whole picture will help. Getting an idea of the cause and understanding it will help lead you to healing those wounds.

That’s it for today. See you again soon.

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Do The 5 Love Languages Illuminate Our Issues?

Aug 25, 2010 | abandonment, Blog, inner voice, shame

I’ve been thinking about this blog all week. The topic is something that kinda jumped up unexpectedly into my thoughts, and now I’m thinking that I may use it as a research project when the time comes, for my graduate studies.

Awhile ago, I read “The 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. It is a great read if you find you are not getting your needs met, as it helps you identify, and then be better able to communicate to your partner, the most natural way you receive love. What’s interesting, I think, is that it seems to me that there is a direct correlation between what your love language is and where your most painful wounds are.

For example, I was talking to a gal last week who has a pretty decent case of abandonment, just like me, and we both agreed that “Words of Affirmation” is NOT our primary love language. We agreed, too, that when our loved ones told us something nice/loving that we didn’t, at a base level, believe them. We need to be shown by actions. The reason, I think, is that we were abandoned, so we learned that love has nothing to do with words and everything to do with actions. Our caregivers told us they loved us and then didn’t give us the attention we needed. The words didn’t match the feelings. It’s almost as if they were saying “I love you” and their actions said otherwise, so we learned that words are meaningless lies. It was not even true or what they were trying to do at all, but nobody said how kids interpret actions and words matches they way they were really meant.

For those who grew up not feeling like they were worth their caregiver’s time (abandonment), time is exactly what they value most because it’s what they wanted the most and didn’t get. We also marry folks who are not good at giving quality time, someone who doesn’t meet our deepest need. We love someone who loves us with the same deficiencies as we had growing up, because that’s what love is to us. It’s how nature heals itself, by repeating the same painful patterns so we can learn to deal with them.

I was also visiting with a couple of ladies who deal with shame issues. They both agreed that words of affirmation IS their love language! So for those whose deepest wound is shame (and hence whose self-talk tells them that they are bad), the way they most need to be loved is for someone to tell them they are great. They want someone to tell them what they wanted to hear most all throughout their childhood and didn’t…that they are really not bad. Yet those with this issue marry folks that have a very hard time meeting their need for affirmative words. See? They love someone who is weak the same place their own self-talk is weak.

It would follow, then, that the other 3 love languages have the same pattern. If the logic holds, then those whose primary love language is physical touch would have wounds surrounding not being held or touched enough when they were little, and they probably married someone who doesn’t touch them enough. Those whose love language is acts of service would have a past that included them having to do for themselves a lot. If someone didn’t receive special gifts very often as a child, their love language might be receiving gifts.

Many people would say that they have more than one love language, although one is usually the strongest. I would suggest that most people have more than one issue as well, and that one is usually more painful than the rest. It is interesting to think that the love language that we identify with the most could help uncover our areas of deepest wounding. As of yet, for me, this hypothesis remains untested. If I do ever decide to research this subject, you all will be the first to know!

Feel free to leave me comments that can confirm or deny this hypothesis. You could be aiding in a research project! I think next semester I have a research class. Looks like I have a headstart on my topic! Thanks for stopping by.

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Making Sure The Next One is Mr/Mrs Right Pt 3

Aug 14, 2010 | Blog, divorce, dreams, family systems theory

What about if I’m married to Mr./Mrs. Can’t Meet My Needs? (I apologize for the length…we have a lot of ground to cover.)

“So,” you say, “I’ve decided I want to grow and be more balanced. I’ve searched and sought out a therapist and they are helping me achieve this. I’m working hard on myself, and it’s going well. There’s just one big, glaring problem: my marriage is getting worse! I’m starting to not be attracted to my spouse anymore, and I’m getting frustrated with them. I’m starting to believe you…. I think I really DID marry the guy/gal who couldn’t meet my needs like you said. The biggest problem now is, he/she refuses to change! I’ve finally figured out what my needs are and now realize my spouse is incapable of meeting them?! It’s not fair! I don’t want to get a divorce, but I don’t want to give up my newfound and ever improving emotional balance either because I know it’s helping me on the inside. Even some of my other key relationships are changing and having more friction. Now what? I thought therapy was supposed to help make my life and my marriage better!?!”

Before we go any further, promise me you’ll read the whole blog, and not quit in the middle. There may be some things in here that can be taken wrong if you don’t understand the whole picture. If this fits you, it will also not be a fun read, and you’ll want the good news at the end. One last caveat…brace yourself. I am about to be painfully blunt! It is meant as a loving act on my part. I will always tell the truth, even if it hurts; and if it hurts, you needed to hear it.

First, let me tell you that it is not unusual at all for things to get worse before they get better when starting therapy. You will need to trust the process and see it through. What therapists and clients are doing in therapy is affecting changes. Do you know a lot of people who love change? It’s uncomfortable. It requires thought and time and effort. Many people who come to therapy know that there need to be changes, but don’t want to know that it is not going to be easy, or that they themselves have to change, too. Many are just looking for a “to-do list”. That approach, or one that says “let’s try to put our heads together and figure out what you guys need to do about your problems” will never work. Not long term.

It’s important to remember that in systems thinking, the system will always try to maintain the balance it has. The systems you are in will always try to keep everything the same. If one person changes, the system has to change to balance itself, and everyone and everything in the system will buck the changes every time.

Next, when a couple comes in for marriage therapy, there should be a big warning label on the door. It should say: “Warning: You Are About To Enter A Life-Changing Truth Zone: Changes Could Be Dangerous and Hazardous to Your Current Way of Living and Relating to People.” If you saw such a thing on your therapist’s door, would you still go in? Answer honestly…if you knew your life and relationships would never be the same again, would you sign up? If you can answer yes to this question, I know two things about you:

One, you are in tremendous pain in your current relationship(s). People don’t walk into a therapy office if they aren’t in a lot of pain. Therapy is expensive, it asks for vulnerability with a stranger for pete’s sake, and most of the time the therapist wants to talk about what hurts most in your life. Who would willingly walk into THAT if everything weren’t so bad?
Two, if you said yes absolutely honestly, humbly looking into your own heart, you will be an excellent client. You will get a lot out of therapy. You are significantly motivated to make the necessary and usually painful changes to make your life all it can be. You also trust the therapy process and have made a commitment to listen and be teachable.

Let’s talk to and about Mr/Mrs Can’t Meet My Spouse’s Needs for a minute. Sometimes people will say yes to therapy, but they can be unaware that they are doing it for the wrong reasons. A lot of times the reason a spouse comes to therapy is to have their sweetie “fixed” or because they want to be able to say that they tried therapy before they give up. They say, “I’m happy, it’s my spouse that’s upset and having the problems with the marriage.” In this case, they are motivated for the changes therapy will bring, as long as the changes are not being made in themselves. If these words came to your mind when thinking about marital therapy, let me enlighten you gently but firmly….if one of you has a problem, you both have a problem!

If you think your spouse is the one that needs to be fixed, you are in denial of your own issues. The prospects for your marriage surviving long term with no changes in that attitude are slim and none, Sparky! Take a look in the mirror, and decide if your marriage is worth admitting that you need to make changes too. If the answer is still “I don’t need to make any changes”, stay home and don’t waste the therapist’s or your sweetie’s time. Use the time to apartment hunt instead. It will be a better use of everyone’s time.

Was that too blunt for you? If you got reactive to that, take it as a cue that you needed to hear it. It is my impression that the attitude that one’s spouse needs to do all the changing takes a proverbial 2×4 to the head! If you believe you don’t have changes to make in your unhappy marriage, only your honey needs to change, you need a blunt wake-up call! I say these things not to be hurtful or cruel, or to pick on you, but because I care so deeply about helping you not only save your marriage but begin to heal yourself! I want to help you get what you need from therapy, too.

If your spouse gets into therapy and starts getting healthier without you, you need to sit up straight and pay attention! See, if you stay right where you’re at, unchanged, your honey is not going to be attracted to you anymore eventually because his/her issues and level of emotional balance won’t match yours anymore. You can get healthier with him/her or he/she will start getting healthier without you. Did I say it straight-out enough to wake you up? I hope so! I’m telling you the truth to help you figure this out before it’s too late! It’s the only hope of saving your marriage. I’ll let you in on a little secret here, too: if you figure this stuff out and get healthier yourself with him/her, you will have a marriage that is better than either one of you could have dreamed possible. Growing together is the key.

OK, now, back to the one who thinks it’s “not fair” that they married the guy/girl who couldn’t meet their needs. If you’re married to the person who holds fast to not changing themselves, you’ll need to eventually accept the fact that you cannot change him/her. They have to decide for themselves, you can only change yourself. It is a difficult and painful realization to accept that your sweetie cannot or will not change. The only chance you have to get them motivated to change with you is to continue to pull away and hope they follow you, and start working on themselves before it’s too late. If they don’t, you’ll have to continue to move on. You can lead a horse to the water, but you cannot make it drink. You can, however, rest in the promise that your continued pursuit of balance and growth will lead you to a more peaceful, fulfilled life whether it’s with them or without them. You will eventually grow into the person you were created to be, with a healed heart.

Marriage takes two, folks. Two people working, admitting, apologizing, nurturing, talking, and all other kinds of “-ings”. If one person overfunctions in the relationship, the other is underfunctioning. Eventually this system will wear itself out. The overfunctioner will get tired; it’s not a matter of if, it’s when. If the other person, the underfunctioner, is not willing to learn to function better, I’m sorry to tell you that the long-term prospects for your relationship do not look good. It’s fair. You chose them in your own state of unbalance. Own your choices. You are not a victim. Remember, the sweetheart you fell for in your youth complimented your issues as they were then, and you chose them to love…and to love you. No one held a gun to your head while you said “I do.”

If you pull away from them as you change, they have the choice to move toward you to keep balance, or not. If they don’t, you will continually move not only away from them, you will eventually move on without them. Keep in mind, the system you have created for yourself will not like your changes. It will fight against them to maintain the status quo. If you’ve shown up at a therapy office, the status quo sucks though, doesn’t it? You have to be ready for and accept the risks of growing. The system you are in, with your spouse, kids, family members etc. will resist the changes. Changes are dangerous and scary. You have to be ready for the consequences of changing the balance.

You also have to be ready for what will happen inside you if these consequences come to pass. What if your husband/wife won’t make whatever changes you need them to make? As we discussed, growth in you will make this situation intolerable. After this happens, though, you will have to face any illusions you might have had about your relationship and see them for what they have been. For example, you may have to face the death of your dreams of “living happily ever after.” Your future may not turn out the way you had planned or hoped. Nobody dreams of divorce. Nobody dreams of being a single-parent. Some of the things that may happen may be hard to swallow. I can tell you one thing: you have to be ready for them. When you are ready, you will move forward, and not a moment before. (Hopefully your spouse will move with you, but they may not. Remember, sometimes the catalyst for clarity of thought comes when one is laying in a gutter, having lost everything. And if it doesn’t come then, it isn’t coming.)

Now the good news. Whew, huh? I was pretty hard on ya’ll today. I gave you a BIG dose of reality to look at. Growth and change is dangerous. The good news is this: if both of you come into the therapy office with the idea that you both have issues, and each one of you is going to have to work on your own issues as best you can, be open to what the therapist shows you, be motivated to have a better marriage and be more balanced all around and stick with it…your marriage and all of your relationships will someday soon begin to flourish. I’m not going to blow sunshine up your skirt and tell you it will be fast and easy, because it won’t. Lasting change takes time! We’re talking about undoing a lifetime of learned responses! It will be worth it though, and you will have the best marriage and healthiest relationships you could try to imagine. It takes two in a marriage, but if you both approach healing your own individual issues (illuminated by your relationship with each other) with an open heart, it will be the best, most worthwhile decision you ever made, and the best adventure you could take together. That’s a pretty good promise, great news indeed, and you can take that one to the emotional bank!

There you go. That’s what I have for you today. I told you I was verbose on this subject! I hope if you are considering therapy or are already in the middle of it that you will show up with the openness and humility that will make your experience amazing and life-changing; and if your spouse won’t come with you, that you will have the courage to not settle for mediocrity or worse in your life and relationships. You can do it, I know you can. It’s your life, make it a great one!

See you next time, thanks for sticking with me by reading all the way to the end!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Making Sure The Next One is Mr/Mrs Right Pt 2

Aug 13, 2010 | abandonment, Blog, family systems theory, inner voice

So, we left off on the cusp of a couple of pretty big questions and their answers. No more waiting…let’s get right down to business.

To recap, our girl Kim has some intimacy issues. She has an allergy to intimacy with someone in her family of origin (more than likely a primary caregiver or sibling), and she therefore has an allergy to intimacy within herself as well. We learn to talk to and treat ourselves the way we were treated growing up. Think about the voice that is your thoughts inside your own head. Does it sound like your mother or father? What about how you treat your own pain-filled heart? Do you ignore it with a thought that says “I don’t have time to deal with that” or “if I ignore it, it will go away.” Perhaps you silence it with addictions or cutting off some other way. Whatever the case, we learn what we’ve lived, and that’s how we treat ourselves. It is our normal.

I also wanted to point out here that everyone, absolutely everyone, has some level of intimacy allergy. They are our psychological walls that we create for protection. Issues of some kind are inevitable in everyone. It’s the nature of growing up in a sinful world. As we grow and mature emotionally, however, we are actually able to tolerate more and more true intimacy. (I’m talking about emotional intimacy, of which physical intimacy is only a part.) Our walls become more permeable, or come down altogether when we don’t need them anymore.

So, back to Kim. She wants to pick Mr. Right this time, and not another Mr. Wrong, right? When Kim goes out in her state of loneliness, with unaddressed issues since her last relationship ended, and tries to find someone with whom she can curb her lonely feelings, she will be attracted to someone who is not able to *in a long-term manner* meet her needs! (He will be able to do so short-term because of enmeshment). She has an unbalance in herself so she will (sort of subconsciously) only be attracted to someone who fits her issues of inner-unbalance. If you think about it like a teeter-totter…to the degree that Kim is unbalanced in herself on any given issue, she will only be attracted to someone who fits her level of unbalance, in whatever areas or issues she is askew.

Sounds a little crazy, doesn’t it? We aren’t attracted to those who can meet our needs, we are attracted to those who, underneath, inherently can’t meet them. Believe it, it’s the absolute truth. It stinks, but it is nature’s way of healing itself, and making sure we work on our issues. We will only be attracted to those who “fit” our issues, and our unbalances. So if Kim has an allergy to intimacy within herself, who will she attract, and who will she be attracted to? She will attract someone who “loves” the way she’s used to, and how she loves herself…someone who is not good at intimacy. That’s what love is to her.

It’s the law of attraction; you can’t fight it, and you can’t trick it. You will simply not feel any attraction for someone who does not match you in emotional balance. You won’t feel “a spark” for them. No chemistry. You’re attracted to who you’re attracted to, and if you’re attracted to them, that person WILL fit your issues! Change your issues, or balance the teeter-totter, so to speak, into a more level position inside yourself, and you’ll change who you’re attracted to.

So Kim, if she hasn’t dealt with or changed her balance of issues since her last relationship, is innately attracted to someone who treats her “normally.” HER normal. Her abandonment-filled, non-intimate, harsh, uncaring or unfeeling “normal”…how she is inside her own skin and matching her own unbalance. The normal of how she was treated by her caregivers growing up. It’s absolutely amazing how the brain works to pick people out who have their “teeter-totters” in like positions that complement our own, and picks them out to be attracted to and love. Works every time. Have you ever noticed that folks who break up or get divorced, if they don’t learn from it, end up marrying the exact same kind of person with a different face? That’s why! They haven’t changed themselves so they will be attracted to the same issues all over again.

This is the paradox that will help your intimacy allergy (among other issues) the most…the more comfortable you are in your own skin, the more you can differentiate yourself from others and develop a humble acceptance of who you are at a core level, the less of an intimacy allergy you’ll have. Seems backwards, right? It works every time though. It’s a balance…balancing distance and closeness with others. Get closer to your true self, and you’ll be able to get closer to others.

Now let’s look at the difference if Kim DOES address her issues before she looks for another relationship. What if Kim started to care about herself and make her own needs a priority? What if she stopped abandoning herself? What if she accepted herself, faults and all? What if she worked to grieve and accept her pains from her past, instead of ignoring them? What if her thoughts about herself became affirming instead of shaming? Do you think she would be attracted to or tolerate someone treating her in a way that she has worked so hard to overcome in herself?

If Kim begins to honor her own needs regularly, getting whole meals of attention from others and herself, will she continually accept crumbs of attention and a lack of intimacy from her would-be significant other? I doubt it. Not only that, changes in her subconscious (sort of) will automatically shift her attraction. An abandoner or someone who’s not very good at intimacy won’t “fit” her anymore. She’ll also have her eyes way more open to her new man’s issues. By looking inward for balance and healing her own wounds inside, she ensures that she will not pick another Mr. Wrong. She needs to remember that he will still be Mr. Imperfect, that’s just realistic because we’re all imperfect. If she’s more balanced, though, she will choose someone more balanced to love and to love her, and not Mr. Wrong all over again.

So the point of all this is: if you want to make sure you don’t pick Mr. Wrong the next time, figure out yourself and heal your own issues! Find your balance. It’s not about finding a guy who isn’t “screwed up.” If you’re unbalanced, you won’t fall for a balanced guy anyway, and he won’t fall for you. It’s all about “unscrewing up” yourself so you’ll be attracted to a more balanced Mr. Right! If he matches you, he’ll be attracted to you, too.

That’s long enough for today. I have a part three to this series brewing…what happens if I’m already married to the person who is unable to meet my needs, but I grow and get more balanced and he/she doesn’t? Now I’m more balanced and they’re not, and the attraction is fading. What then?

Tune in again next week for part 3 of this mind-bending puzzle!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Making Sure The Next One is Mr./Mrs. Right Pt. 1

Aug 5, 2010 | abandonment, Blog, codependency, divorce, family systems theory, grace, self-care

This is going to be a two- or three-part blog, because I am feeling verbose on this subject! I’ve been inspired! One post just isn’t going to cut it.

I’ve mentioned before that I’m a fan of Family Systems Theory. Thankfully for me, I work with a group of pretty salty family systems therapists! They are all kind enough to mentor me, and keep me on course with the development of my craft. One of the therapists on staff has dedicated years of study to deepening his understanding and practice of this particular paradigm; I’ve spoken of him before, Jerry Wise. He has a blog too, and we were discussing a post of his about abandonment and a question he was asked about it, in the waiting room the other day. Something he said is totally turning my mind to gooey gray matter this week, as he’s been known to do before!

Remember how we were discussing the map, and seeing the whole map of our issues all at once, and how sometimes thinking counter-intuitively can help pinpoint the problem, which may be far away from what is causing the symptoms in our relationships? (See post “Family Systems, A Tiny Morsel”) That is family systems stuff through and through. Today’s topic is no different. Jerry and I were talking about abandonment, like I said, and specifically the symptom of loneliness. Fair enough, I thought. If you’re abandoned, you’re probably lonely, right? And loneliness itself isn’t the problem, it’s a symptom of a deeper issue. OK, I’m trackin…so far so good.

Then he said that if you have the symptom of loneliness, the core issue you really have, the root problem causing it on the other side of your issue map, is really an “allergy to intimacy.” Hold the phone there, Bub. If someone’s lonely, isn’t what they really want some good intimacy? How could someone who’s lonely really be allergic to intimacy? You lost me with that one. Stick with me though, I’m going to try to explain what he said as simply as possible…how I understand it. Let’s talk about it in example form, for ease in understanding’s sake. Let’s call our lonely, abandoned girl Kim.

Kim has had some relationships that have ended painfully, and more than anything she doesn’t want to have another failed pairing; but she also knows that she feels lonely for a romantic relationship. Understandable, right? It’s normal and natural to want a close personal relationship, emotionally, physically, etc. And I would interject here that simply wanting a relationship is not a problem in itself. But our girl Kim really wants a relationship because she’s experiencing the symptom of loneliness, and she needs to soothe her feeling of loneliness with another person.

Would you think that what Kim really has going on is an allergy to intimacy? Probably not. I sure as heck didn’t see that one coming, and I gave Jerry a really confused look when he said it. Huh? Here’s how he explained it to me. If Kim has the symptom of loneliness, and she is longing for another (hopefully healthy, balanced this time) person to fill the loneliness, somewhere on her map of issues she is underfunctioning in, or has an allergy to, intimacy. Is your face twisted and contorted like mine was yet? Eyes squinting? Little head scratching, perhaps? Stay with me…

Kim, out of her own issues, is still looking to someone else to fill her up. In this way she is overly-needy. In some way she is unable to find fulfillment in herself, and/or she may have an intimacy or under-closeness/over-closeness problem with her parents or siblings. If you’re tracking that train of thought, the next question that naturally comes is, “How does someone have an allergy to intimacy inside themselves? Does an intimacy problem in my family of origin, (people that I hardly ever see anymore even perhaps,) still affect me? (YES!) And what does an allergy to intimacy look like, and how does one fix it?” I admit, it’s kind of a tough sell to someone who says they crave intimacy, and especially if they may be over-functional in their level of ability to have intimacy with other people. The point is, if there is loneliness for intimacy, somewhere on the map we’ll find an intimacy allergy…a place where Kim is under-functional, intimately. Let’s take a swing at answering those questions:

Let me ask you this way, and see if it helps shed some light on it…where do you think Kim is abandoning herself? A closer look at someone like Kim will probably show that she is too other-centered. Maybe she doesn’t have good self care. Perhaps she has a hard time forgiving herself for imperfections or mistakes, and she shames herself and feels she isn’t good enough. Maybe she makes caring for everyone else more important than making sure she’s taken care of, too. When her hurting little girl on the inside cries out in pain, she in effect ”shushes” her. In any or all of these ways, she abandons herself. She’s not in-tune to her own needs, and ignores them.

So how does Kim fix this imbalance? Like 12-steppers would say…the first step is admitting you have a problem, right? True that! She needs to recognize she has an allergy somewhere. She needs to see her own unbalance, instead of concerning herself with over-scrutinizing potential mates! She needs to learn to have better boundaries. She needs to learn to give herself grace, listen to herself and take care of her own needs, and address her shame issues. These are all things that work to resolve and heal your childhood pain and make your psychological walls more permeable. Kim also needs to see where her expectations fo
r relationships are unhealthy. This is all stuff that happens in therapy!

Now then…how does all of this play into who she will choose as a future (hopefully) Mr. Right? Will she be attracted to another Mr. Wrong no matter what? Is there real hope to be had for a future, healthy relationship? Tune in next time for the answers to these most intriguing questions!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Will My Issues Ever Be Completely Cured?

Jul 26, 2010 | abandonment, Blog, goals, inner voice

Recently I’ve been around a couple of dialogues involving this question, and I remember early on in my own couch work/education, asking my therapist this very thing. Having now done a great deal of my own recovery work, I thought I’d take a stab at answering it from my understanding/viewpoint. See what you think.

Abandonment. Shame. Counterdependency. Codependency. Rage. Fear. These are examples of some deep-seated, hard-core issues. I don’t particularly like these labels too much because giving someone a label can be shaming for them, or make them feel helpless to their “diagnosis.” Instead of a label, just think of these as vocabulary words. They are only words used to describe a condition to which one can be sensitive, or words which one can connect with some of the ideas/issues they represent. They are not meant to be a Scarlet Letter on your chest. I use them only to give a way of talking about things that are so very difficult to describe! Keep in mind as well that every single person alive has some sort of issue or “dysfunction.” It is not something to be ashamed of or a victim to; it is simply a reality because of the imperfect world in which we live.

Now, to the question at hand: if I can own/relate to the issues these words represent, is it possible for me to be fully cured from their effects? Let me apologize in advance for giving you an ambiguous answer: yes and no. Perhaps a better answer would be “no, but.” Let me explain, and hopefully it will help.

I don’t think a complete and total cure from the issues one develops in childhood is possible. That’s not as bad as it sounds, however, because of the “but”. The “but” is what therapy is all about, and I’m not talking about proctological therapy! (Insert giggle here.) OK, seriously. I’ll use myself as an example. I have abandonment issues. I didn’t get the amount of one-on-one attention that needy little kids require. (I personally believe that almost everyone has abandonment to some degree, simply because children are SO needy that no parent can give enough!) So will I ever be free from the effects of abandonment?

I cannot change the past and how my issues came to be, ”but” I can heal them to a degree that they don’t effect me nearly as much as they used to! I will always be sensitive to particular behaviors surrounding abandonment; “but” I have learned how to realize when my abandonment is triggered and not over-react to those triggers. Some days are better than others, and I am still susceptible to abandonment pain and reactions, “but” I have exponentially more peace, calmness, contentment, and acceptance; and I have healed a great deal of that pain through my work in therapy. The longer I live with the knowledge of my issues, the more I learn and the better I become at handling them, and they affect me less.

So although I can never be completely and totally free from my issues, I ABSOLUTELY CAN get to a place of peace and contentment about them, and vastly improve my weaknesses to them. I can tell you without a doubt that this process, although difficult, is worth every moment. It has strengthened every relationship I have, and most importantly (…and this is going to sound corny and psycho-babbly, but it’s true…) it has strengthened my relationship with myself….loving the person that lives in my head. How I feel on the inside has been positively affected like I cannot fully describe. Here’s a great analogy to close up:

Emotional pain and issues growing up “burn” your psychological skin. If you’ve ever been burned you know that it hurts pretty much all the time until it heals. It can be numbed somewhat with medications, (addictions) but in order to not need meds in ever increasing amounts, it will need to be healed. When the burns are hidden or not properly taken care of, they cause more problems later that will have to be corrected. If these burns are treated eventually, however, they can become much better. The surgery needed may be painful (therapy, support groups etc.), but the outcome will be a better quality of life. It will take time, and the new skin will be sensitive for awhile, but eventually it will be scarred over and healed so that the slightest bump won’t hurt anymore. Scar tissue will form and the wound will be healed better than it ever was.

So I will always have the scars of abandonment, “but” scars are not nearly as tender as a gaping, unattended wound. I will always remember the wound that caused the scar and may even have a reflexive, protective instinct around it, “but” it won’t hurt as bad if someone accidentally brushes up against it or even blatantly touches it. That’s the healing of therapy. You’ll always have a scar, so in that way you will never be completely healed, “but” it won’t hurt so much anymore and you can live more peacefully and healthily than ever.

There’s my rather long-winded answer to a tricky question. Hopefully that makes it easier to understand, and makes you long to heal your own burns. It’s worth every painful step. See you next time.

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com