We See Things As We Are

Jun 13, 2010 | Blog, inner voice

I have another quote today that spoke to me, and I just wanted to say a couple of quick words about it.

“We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.”

– Anais Nin

Here’s another quote that has truth to it. That’s pretty much what it takes, after all, to have one of your quotes remembered as a quote, like this one…make sure it has truth in it. If you want to have your words immortalized, you have to make sure they have a deep wisdom to which others can relate. Some are better than others, and as far as recovery issues go, this is a pretty good one.

All of us have a filter, or lens, through which we see everything. We encounter every and all manner of things and run it through the filter of our “truths”. I find that to be a very valuable part of therapy….to have the same criteria/experience etc. run through the filter of someone else who is unbiased and unemotional about it. Then the therapist can tell us the shade and shape of our filter. It shows us where the actual truth of the situation is tainted by our filters (i.e. wounds, triangles, enmeshment, cutoff, and more.) Then if we view our reactions, and compare and contrast how they are unlike a dispassionate reaction to the exact same things, we can begin to understand ourselves. That is where the journey to healthy change begins.

It is wise to remember that we all have filters tinted and shaped by our experiences. These filters are necessary to learn and grow from experience, but they can cast an unfavorable (and sometimes an unhealthily favorable) view on things that are not really the way they might seem…the way they really are. If someone gives you feedback about how you are seeing something differently, pay attention. They are telling you something about yourself that can give you a sensitivity to a blind or blurry spot in your vision, and draw you a map to a wound that needs healing. They are also, of course, giving you insight into the shape of their filters, from which you can also learn…and maybe someday find yourself a truth that will get you a famous quote!

That’s it for today…I’m on vacation! Have a good week.

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Grief, With A Large Side-Order Of Fear…

Jun 2, 2010 | Blog, divorce, fear, grace, grief

Although I admittedly have not read many of his books, I’ve come to find through hearing told some stories he has written (The Lion, The Witch, & the Wardrobe comes to mind) reading some quotes by him, and hearing his name here and there in discussions, that I probably would have liked C.S. Lewis a lot. I think he would have given me lots of things to think about, and great topics to blog about, too! Here is the latest quote I found by him that spoke to me:

“No one ever told me that grief felt so much like fear.” -C.S. Lewis

Wow, I really connected with that one. If you’ve been reading my blog for awhile now, you know I’m a truth-seeker, and I found a lot of truth in this one. (First, let me jump on in and give you some background, and then I’ll tie it all up at the end.)

OK, so, going through a divorce is really a grieving process, and I’m hear to tell you, it’s not an overnight one as you’re probably aware. I am actually starting to think that deep losses where no one dies, where those you love make a choice to not love anymore, just might be even more painful than losses to death. (It’s not a competition as to what kind of loss hurts most, of course, not at all. I just wanted to put it out there as food for thought that sometimes having someone choose the loss can make it sting all the more.)

Most big losses in life are grieved for an average of 2 years. Yep. That’s the bad news. The initial difficult part of the grieving can last for a month or two; but really the whole grieving process all together takes between 1-3 years, depending on the person and the closeness/nature of the loss. Knowing that does help to understand and give grace to someone who isn’t getting over something as quickly as one might think they should…including oneself, I’ve come to learn. This average of 2 years, though, is also the good news…I find it comforting to know that when I have a huge loss, it will eventually get easier to bear, and my heart will heal.

I can remember the day my heart broke…when I realized my marriage had very little chance of survival. Although I knew I was not done trying to save it, and I still had hope that it could be saved (and with both of us working on our own issues I believe it absolutely could have been; I am totally convinced that this really is the key to saving any troubled marriage)…my heart felt like it made an almost audible sound the minute when the reality of the situation sunk in…and it just shattered. I let out a tiny wimper, and curled up like a newborn for a soft, broken cry. I can still remember vividly what that pain feels like, and I’ll likely never forget it. Now, though, my heart has had time to mend, and I am so very grateful for all I have learned. I can tell you that the entire process has taken about 2 years, and that my heart is again filled to overflowing with joy.

Here’s where the quote comes in. That day my heart broke began a season of grief and pain for me…but that grief really felt a lot like fear! A large part of an event that one needs to grieve, after all, is change. Huge change. Unexpected and as-of-yet unknown change, perhaps. Day-to-day living changes in many, if not all, areas of life: financial, emotional, physical, etc. Fear of change, of the unknown, is natural. It is also sometimes extremely hard to accept that things will never again be like they once were. It takes time to process through it, accept it, and move through that difficult season.

Grieving a divorce is grieving the death of a dream, and it is very painful. Coping with all of the changes that ensue with that kind of event is fear-inducing. Eventually though, as the changes become “the new normal”, the anxiety decreases and so does the grief. It takes a lot of strength to face it, and even more to allow yourself to feel it. It’s difficult to keep moving forward, but if you can make it through each moment as it comes, you will make it to your milestones. (I have to give it up to my girl Beth Moore for that terminology, although she used it in a different context.)

Did you hear my latest milestone a little bit ago? I said ”my heart is again filled to overflowing with joy.” That’s a milestone for me…being able to say that and absolutely mean it. (Insert happy-dance here!!!) I had to make it through many tear-filled and fear-filled moments to get here. It can be done. You can do it, too. Just have the courage to feel it, ask for help if you need it, face the fears of change, and give yourself the grace to accept that it is going to be difficult and might just take awhile. “Difficult” is where growth comes from and growth is why we’re here. Embrace it. One moment at a time.

That’s my 2 cents for today. See you again soon!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Just What Are You Insinuating?

May 25, 2010 | abandonment, Blog, codependency, parenting, shame

I just made myself a cup of Chocolate Donut Coffee. Yep! It’s actually not too bad. Enough sugar and cream can make any cup of coffee tolerable. Grab a cup of your favorite beverage and join me for a few minutes in the waiting room. Thanks for coming by!

I thought of something in a slightly different way this week, and I thought I’d share it. Have you ever thought about how you communicate things you never intended to, that you never tactfully or lovingly would, by insinuation? It can be totally hidden, and you may not even realize you’ve done it, but it can be devastating to the recipients…particularly our kids. I’ll give you an example.

Heather is a quite normal teenage girl who has a distant father who tends to talk down to her. Her mother is a codependent thing; and by definition, that’s another way of saying that she is pretty controlling where Heather is concerned. So as Heather has gone through her formative years with these two role models, she has picked up quite a bit that was insinuated by them. The distance her father has kept by being cutoff, grouchy, or just plain busy has taught Heather non-verbally that she is unlovable and unworthy of his attention. Was he really trying to convey that to her? Probably not. But what he didn’t do was taken that way by Heather. Also by talking down to her in a stern way, whether to teach her, make her mind him, or because he’s in a lot of pain himself; it teaches her by insinuation that she’s inherently bad.

Heather’s mom is teaching her things via insinuation with her codependency as well. In high school Heather got a job, and instead of teaching her how to handle money, pay bills, and that she was capable of doing so, her mom took her paycheck and did it all for her. So what did Heather learn from that? She may have thought at the time on the surface, “this is great, I don’t have to do anything, my mom does it all for me.” But underneath what she really heard was “I’m not even smart enough or worth the time enough for mom to teach me how to do this,” or “I’m not trustworthy.” Mom may have even been just too tired to make the time, and thought it more expeditious to do it that way; but really it was not only socially damaging since her daughter left home not knowing how to pay bills, but it was also emotionally damaging with her insinuating she was not smart enough to learn how.

These kinds of things are not really a news flash for me personally…I had thought of them before. What hit me in a fresh way is how shame-inducing these things actually are! The insinuations we read when we’re kids can give us a pretty good-sized shame filter. Heather’s mom was being controlling at worst, and expeditious at best, by paying Heather’s bills for her; but Heather was actually hearing something quite shaming. And it’s pretty easy to see how a distant father can cause feelings of abandonment in his kids, but there is an underlying shame to it. The kid insinuates that because Daddy doesn’t have time for her that she is not worthy of receiving it! Stuff like this is why shame is so rampant an issue. I’ve heard it described as “the common cold of emotional issues.” Even if parents aren’t shaming their kids outright, kids can still feel it by connecting dots that are unintended.

Think about what you’re insinuating with your kids (or others, too!). (Oh, and please don’t take all of this as a condemnation…no one is perfect. Nobody. Take it as a learning opportunity, or a time to refocus your focus if needed!) If you’re just straight-up too tired or grouchy, kids can take that more personally than you could ever realize. Let them make decisions and mistakes for themselves, it builds confidence and experience. Take the time to teach them and encourage them. If you think you’ve communicated something you didn’t intend to them, tell them the truth, tell them often, and without delay! I heard it said once that it takes 1,000 positive things said to counteract one negative thing said. The number may be a little high, but the concept is right on. One negative statement, or insinuation, takes a lot to undo. Try hard to not heap on any more, and work to heal the ones that have already escaped. It is SO worth the effort!

Hope you enjoyed your coffee break. See you again soon.

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

The Meaning of Life

May 18, 2010 | Blog, faith-based living

Whoa! Pretty deep, huh? The meaning of life, really? We’re talking no small potatoes for a blog topic. We’re going to go deep today, guys. Would you believe a 36-year-old wannabe therapist who works as an assistant in a waiting room would think she knows anything whatsoever about the meaning of life? Probably not. I find it hard to believe myself. (And who knows, maybe after reading you’ll think that I don’t know squat!) I’ll never claim to know even .01% of what there is to know…but since I can, I’m going to put out there what I think is food for thought, and let you decide what you believe. This is what’s on my mind this week.

I get my inspirations for my blogs from everyday life… passing thoughts, things I see or hear, etc. Today I was sitting in my boss’s office waiting for a color copy to come out of his printer, and looking at his artwork. He has a picture on the wall in his office that says, “Perhaps strength doesn’t reside in having never been broken,…but in the courage required to grow strong in the broken places.” I am also doing another Beth Moore Bible study. Something she said also spoke to me in the same way…she said something like (not a direct quote…I’m paraphrasing) ”a story of a life unbroken does not make a very good story.”

Think about that for a minute. If you’ll indulge me, there are two more things that have caught my eye this week, so let me share those with you as well, and you’ll be able to see where I’m coming from and why I’m blogging about it. My co-worker Kathy Henry posted on her blog this week (entitled “Hitting Rock Bottom” see the link to her blog at the bottom of the page) about how sometimes it seems like quite a paradox when you realize that you are the most thankful for what you have when you are laying in the gutter looking up (sometimes after having lost everything you cared for.) Also, I watched a movie the other day called “The Case For Faith” and there’s a portion of it in which the story of Charles Templeton is shown. Templeton eventually lost his faith in God after having been such a remarkable televangelist early on in his life, with Billy Graham. One of his biggest questions that caused his faith to waiver was “If there is a God, how can there be so much evil in the world?”

All of these things are tied together by a common theme: brokenness. I think it is part of the human condition that all of us will be broken at one time or another. It’s not a matter of if. The universe (and in my belief system, that means God), is supposed to want the very best for us right? So how can He allow bad things to happen to His people? Now think about it this way…how many people do you know that would have their love for God grow exponentially, or even seek Him at all, if they had everything they wanted and needed in this life the whole time? Would we really be thankful for all our blessings, realize and remember how God takes care of us, or need Him at all for that matter, if our lives were always roses? (This same mentality also carries into our lives with our spouses, families, and friends…by the way.)

I think God allows (different than initiating) bad things to happen not to punish us or abandon us, but to lovingly help us when we need it the most…when we turn our eyes from Him and think we can do everything on our own and when we get caught in the traps of this world…when we are not on the path that leads to Him. God knows that if our focus is not in the right place (on Him and those closest to us…in that order), a “trip to the gutter” has the best (and if He’s allowing it, the only) chance of working to wake us up. And if we are open to waking up and learning from it, it’ll do exactly what it’s supposed to do. There’s only one place to look when you’re that low. I believe allowing bad things to happen to us is actually a loving thing for Him to do! It teaches us what we need to know and where we need to go! What do you think about that?

Now, if we take this down deeper another level…here we find the purpose of our lives! Think for a moment what you believe our earthly experience is all about. Why are we here? I believe life is all about making a choice. THE choice. The only choice that matters for eternity. He created us to love Him and for Him to love us…but love is not love if it’s not a choice. Just like I blogged about not that long ago about respect. It’s not true respect if it’s not given freely…by our choice. Neither is love for God (or anyone else.) He gives us the choice to love and choose Him because He’s not controlling. He’s not a dictator. He invites us to love Him.

We can apply this same principle to our relationships by inviting our spouse to love us instead of forcing or manipulating it out of them. I think we are allowed to pass through this lifetime to get a taste of both love and indifference, good and evil, so that we can make an informed choice about whether or not we want to be with God and love Him for eternity. That’s the meaning of life…choosing to love or not. The troubles and heartache are necessary to show us what we’re choosing between. And sometimes they are necessary to refine our focus when we forget or stray.

So, embrace your heartaches and remember that you don’t have a corner on the market. We all have hurts. They take on power and meaning if we learn from our pains. Know better, and do better! Find pure joy in EVERY circumstance! View pain and suffering through the lens of blessing and love. Know that God will not let us suffer for the sake of suffering. He will not allow pain that He can not turn into good for ourselves and others. He will allow brokenness to enter your life to not only teach you, but to help others get to know Him through you, too. He will also give you the strength to heal, and make those places stronger than ever.

I hope you enjoyed dipping your toes with me into the waters of life-meaning. Thanks for stopping by!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

“The Secret”

May 13, 2010 | Blog, faith-based living

I watched a movie called “The Secret” yesterday. It is sort of a documentary type film that wants to teach us how to think and feel so we can attract good things in our lives. It was really interesting, and I liked it. Sometimes stuff like that seems a little too over the top for me, too “worldly” perhaps, but I was able to glean some good nuggets from it that fit with my values and beliefs.

The basic premise of it is that we attract what we think and feel about. If we think about debt all day, we will attract debt from “the universe.” If we think of anything from healing to success, or terrible traffic to financial hardships…that’s what we’ll get. I thought of it in the light of a Bible passage that is familiar to many, Luke 11:9: “Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened to you.”

The folks in this movie emphasized being grateful, having gratitude for what you have and living your life thankfully. There is a strong emphasis on faith, hope and love. This reminded me of Phillipians 4: 11-12 as well where it talks about being content in every circumstance. There is a lot of truth in what was presented. More to the point, there is great value in living your life with thoughts of gratitude instead of disdain. Living with faith instead of pessimism. Even if we gained nothing else, would not the joy we feel by being content with what we have and hopeful for the future be reward enough in itself?

Food for thought anyway. Go rent the movie and see what you think. Then come back and debate it with me, I’d love it! Enjoy your day.

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

When We Know Better

May 11, 2010 | Blog, forgiveness, grace, self-care

OK, I know I’ve talked about this before, but it’s something that I struggle with, so I’m going to blog about it somemore, and preach some more to myself. I need to talk myself into some things, so you can come along for the ride, and hopefully learn and heal from my struggles.

I’ve had this thing that happened a long time ago…something that has bothered me for quite some time, a passing thought, a warning in my spirit, or whatever you’d like to call it. It has kinda haunted me off and on since it happened, almost 10 years ago. Recently, as I continue to delve deeper into my own recovery, I keep bumping into it, knocking my shins on it, and frankly I’m getting sick of the bruises. It’s just something that I’m going to have to forgive myself for, and finally drop it and let myself have some grace.

We do that, don’t we? We let ourselves keep getting reminded of past failures or past mistakes that we think we just should have known better than to do. Truth is, none of us are perfect. We all make mistakes, and we all are wounded and sometimes act foolishly based on reactions to those wounds. I absolutely love the quote by Maya Angelou, I think I’ve even quoted it on my blog before, that says “we do what we know to do, and when we know better, we do better.” I find such truth in that. I made mistakes in my past, and now all I can do is squeeze every drop of wisdom I can from them, and do better the next time. But I have to admit, I have a hard time sometimes with the underlying forgiveness that this quote inspires…the implied grace of it that says that we screwed up because we didn’t know any better. We couldn’t help it.

It’s no secret that I’m hard on myself. I have a good strong conscience, and I’m glad I do. But I must learn to give myself the grace that I have no trouble whatsoever in giving to others by the bucket-full. Are you like me? Maybe you can understand what I’m talking about in your head, but your heart hasn’t gotten the memo yet. Let the grace in. Embrace the hurt little kid inside you, and tell them it’s going to be OK. Tell them they are forgiven. Tell them you love them. Maybe it sounds like “therapy mumbo-jumbo”, but it’s quite healing. Give it a try, and have a cry from your toes. I’ll join you…and go practice what I preach.

Thanks for reading. See you again soon.

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com