Infidelity Statistics

May 7, 2010 | affairs, Blog, infidelity

I recently saw some statistics on infidelity in a magazine in another waiting room, and I felt compelled to share. The numbers were absolutely staggering! I didn’t check the scientific methods of this particular website, but just googled infidelity statistics and this is one of the sites that came up…check out some of these numbers, courtesy of a website titled, “Infidelity Facts” ( InfidelityFacts.com) The numbers are similar to the ones reported in the magazine I read. Take a look:
Percentage of marriages where one or both spouses admit to infidelity, either physical or emotional: 41%
Percentage of men who admit to committing infidelity in any relationship they’ve had: 57%
Percentage of women who admit to committing infidelity in any relationship they’ve had: 54%
Percentage of men and women who admit to having an affair with a co-worker: 36%
Percentage of men and women who admit to infidelity on business trips: 36%
Percentage of men and women who admit to infidelity (emotional or physical) with a brother-in-law or sister-in-law: 17%
Average length of an affair: 2 years
Percentage of marriages that last after an affair has been admitted to or discovered: 31%
Percentage of men who say they would have an affair if they knew they would never get caught: 74%
Percentage of women who say they would have an affair if they knew they would never get caught: 68%

I just wanted to share those figures, keeping in mind that the actual numbers are probably higher yet, given the nature of the questions asked…some of the folks may not have told the whole truth given the shame that can accompany some of the answers to these questions.

I thought that this might be quite eye-opening, to know that infidelity is THIS common. If you find yourself either having an affair, or being married to someone who has, the first step is to get yourself into the office of a top-flight therapist. (Give me a couple years, and you can come and see me!)

Marriage and relationships are tough. I know first hand! If you find yourself in need of some guidance, or even just a referee to call the fouls while you work through some stuff like an affair, don’t be afraid to pick up the phone or send an email and find a good therapist. It’s not as scary as you think…therapists are the least judgemental folks you will find. Thanks for stopping by!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

How To Get Respect

May 4, 2010 | Blog, respect

Did you catch it? If you did, I’m thoroughly impressed. If you’ve been keeping up with my blog and read the one I posted entitled “Drop Your Pen” not too long ago, you might be saying to yourself “what is she talking about, ‘how to’…I thought it was all about ‘when’?” You are correct, and I don’t mean to confuse you. The answers to questions that begin with “how to” are pretty much just tools and bandaids, and are generally not meant for deep, core, emotional surgeries. The answer to this “how to” is still about the when…let me explain.

I’ve recently been having a lively discussion with this guy I know about respect. Respect is a very deep need for all men, just read books like “His Needs Her Needs” by Willard Harley or “Love and Respect” by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. (They are both really good, for men and women). The need for respect is built into them, a thread of the fabric that weaves them into the men they are. But have you ever noticed that some men want it so badly, ask for it, or even demand it incessantly, but still never quite get it, at least not in the quantities and qualities they’d like? Why is that, you reckon? It seems as though asking that your needs be met is a healthy thing to do. And it is. So what’s going on here?

If you know a guy like this, my bet would be that this fella is doing at least one, but probably both, of these two things: a) not earning it with their actions, and b) asking for/demanding it/ and talking about it way too much. Both of these things totally kill genuine, heartfelt respect. I’ll give you an example of each:

Perhaps the respect-seeker is a hard worker, but he does not treat people very nicely. Maybe he knows his job well, but doesn’t give credit where it’s due. Maybe he says he loves women, but treats them as if they exist to serve him. Maybe he lies or cheats. Maybe he doesn’t truly listen much, or love much. Maybe he rarely, if ever, considers the needs of others. Whatever it is that’s going on, if he’s hard-core about wanting respect, the fact is he’s going to have to earn it. The first step for our boy is to adopt a posture of complete humility. I’m not talking about acting like he’s a piece of crap, I’m talking about letting his actions do the talking for him, and making sure his actions are honorable. One thing I know for certain, if you do not live your life (in actions, not words) in a way that folks can respect, or if you act in a way that hurts others or fundamentally goes against the grain of what they believe, they will not be able to give you genuine respect no matter what. They have to really feel it.
Then there is talking about it way too much. This is a lesser “offense”, but it will also effectively squelch those who might give respect. People do not like to be controlled, period. Who likes to be told what to do or how to do it repeatedly? Asking for respect excessively is pretty much guaranteeing you won’t get it. See why? People want to give of their own free will, because there is no joy in giving something that is demanded of you. It’s controlling and oppressive. If they are inspired, they will give it. If it is demanded of them, probably not so much, and even if they do relent and give some kudos, they will not be genuine. They will be resentful. That’s not the kind of respect you want either…because it’s not true respect. It’s “lip service.”

So, that’s the how to, or how not to get respect. Remember we talked about the “when”? This really is key, and this is where it goes deep. What really needs to happen for our man is that he needs to take a look inside himself and see what’s really going on that needs healing. We know that a need for respect is built into the tapestry that is “man.” It’s legitimate. Men have to feel respected. But if ole boy doesn’t feel respected by others, why is that? Is it everyone else who has the problem, really? What’s broken on the inside? Is he SO needy for respect that he has to demand it from others too much? Where does that come from? If he’s not living in ways that folks can respect, where are the problem areas? And then, after the work of naming it is done, then comes the when…the healing. When will you be ready to give up the behaviors that keep others from respecting you?

This takes some skill, to name what’s going on, and then help you be ready for the “when.” That’s what therapy is for. If you’re not getting the respect you want, look in the mirror there, Big Guy. See if you’re overly needy. See if you’re asking for something you’re not earning, and why. You cannot change others, you can only change you. I’d suspect that down deep you are really insecure in yourself, and don’t particularly respect yourself, either; that’s why you want it from others so badly. The best way to get what you want is to live it yourself, and give it away generously. In other words….Love. Respect others. Take a big dose of Humility. Live in a respectable way so that you can respect yourself. It works. Give it a try, give it some time, and then let the genuine respect roll over you like a warm ocean wave.

Thanks for reading. Stop by again soon.

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Don’t Tackle Addictions Alone

Apr 27, 2010 | addictions, Blog

I recently met a woman with a couple of very powerful addictions, we’ll call her Denise (not her real name). Denise was quite guarded with me at first, but she confided in me that she has had 2 addictions in particular for almost her entire life. She is a grandmother, so has been struggling with them for a very long time. She told me that she had been in and out of rehab at least 10 times to try to overcome them, but each time went back to her old ways. She said to me point blank, “Rehab just doesn’t work for me.”

We develop addictions basically as a coping mechanism. We all have pain in our childhoods growing up; even those that had great families have pain and issues. ALL of us. Some of us choose to numb our pain with addictions. That’s really what they are…a shot of novocaine for the pain in our hearts. A way to suppress, cope with, and escape from pain. People can be addicted to substances such as alcohol, drugs, or food; or behaviors, such as rescuing, sex, work, or gambling.

Sometimes even more than the physically addictive properties of some substances and behaviors, the pain of what will be felt without the “novocaine” is what holds the real power. Having to cope with emotional pain is not easy at all. It takes a tremendous amount of courage! Being vulnerable and going back to consciously “re-feel” all of our wounds is very painful. It is necessary for healing, but it is extremely difficult to face.

Denise told me that each time she had tried rehab or to quit her addictions, she had failed. She told me that she would like to quit very much, and that she wanted to try to do so again. I asked her, “Who do you have for support to help you through it, this time?” She replied that she would again be trying to do it alone. Let me just say straight up…it is nearly 100% impossible to stop an addiction completely alone, and based on sheer willpower. The physical AND emotional pull back to our addictive ways is WAY too powerful to do alone. And the truth of it is, we are not really meant to either. We are all here to help shoulder each other’s burdens.

The really great news is, not only are there many wonderful people out there willing to help, but they also know exactly how it feels to struggle with addictions because they were once there themselves. They will not ever judge because they understand. They have tons of compassion because they know how hard addictions are to overcome. They will also hold folks accountable and make it easier to stay away from their particular brand of novacaine. Groups for most any addiction are available to join at no charge, and they are easy to find through the use of the internet, a pastor, a social worker, etc. Reach out to anyone at all and ask for help. If they can’t help personally, they can help find someone who can. The first step really is admitting you have a problem.

The last time I talked to Denise she had reached out by writing a letter to the pastor of a nearby church, and in it had asked for help in overcoming her addictions. She said that this time, she would not try to do it alone. I have such great hope for her success in overcoming her addictions this time around. She is motivated, and she has asked for help from some wonderful, compassionate people. Give me a call or send me an email, and we will get you or someone you know on a path to lifelong, lasting changes.

Thanks for stopping by. See you again soon.

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Drop Your Pen

Apr 17, 2010 | Blog, codependency

I have to give props to my friend and co-worker Jerry Wise for today’s topic. It has been something that was a profound insight for me in seeing things in myself and others; not only helping me accept people for where they are in their journeys (including myself), but also in finding the way on the road map to healing. (I hope my explanation does it justice, and if it doesn’t, please let me know! I welcome your comments.) He said such a simple phrase, but it just blew my mind. Ready?…here it comes….”Drop your pen.”

Confused? Stay with me, you’re totally going to love this because it gives such an easy to understand, vivid picture of something that can be really kinda hard to understand sometimes. I attended a seminar on codependency given by Jerry, and let me tell you, when it comes to therapy…particularly family systems theory…Jerry lives up to his name! He is amazing. So he was talking to those of us at the seminar about how he regularly has folks come to therapy and ask all kinds of “how” questions.

“How do I change?”
“How come I can’t talk to my mother like I can talk to you?”
“How do we move on after an affair?”
“How do I overcome my addiction?”

Does that not seem completely logical and understandable? After all, we come to therapy for answers. We want to know how to change the places where we feel stuck and how to get out of situations that are painful. Many times, we want to know how to change things not only in ourselves, but others too. So I listened to Jerry tell a story about dropping his pen.

He stood in front of us and held out a plain old ball-point pen. He asked the group, “How do I drop this pen?” He waited for someone to work up the nerve to risk sounding stupid and say “Well, man, you just let go!” He said, “Precisely.” and proceeded to let go and drop his pen onto the floor. We all kinda looked at each other a bit confused, and wondered what the heck this had anything to do with anything at all! Jerry proceeded to explain that the pen represented all of our “how question” issues. After that, each time one of us would ask a how question, he would hold up his pen and say, “How?”

He pointed out so poignantly that really, deep down, we all pretty much know how to do the things that our how questions ask. How do I talk to my mother the way I talk to my therapist? I just do it, non-reactively and succinctly. How do I deal with my addictions? I find a support group and attend. How do I heal and move on after an affair? I choose to. Now, please don’t misunderstand me here…I’m not suggesting that this is by any means easy. It is SO NOT EASY! Understanding where a lifetime of behaviors and beliefs came from, and undoing the destructive ones to relearn and replace them with new, healthy ones takes not only a great deal of time and effort and is very painful, but it also takes a talented guide to illuminate the way and a heart that’s ready. The whole point of this exercise, and therapy in general, is not learning the “how” so I can just follow a to-do list and then I’ll be all better and my life will be perfect. Nope, sorry. I hate to break the bad news to you. What therapy is all about is the “when.”

Just like dropping the pen, we don’t really need to know how to do it. Sure, there are tools and exercises that can make us feel better…like we’re learning the “how to”; but until we’ve slogged through a whole lot of underlying stuff first, these kinds of tools are mainly just things to do to pass the time and make us feel like we’re doing something; or worse, little band-aids that prolong the pain and infection of deep-seated, serious wounds. Underneath, we all pretty much really know what we have to do and how to change, we only have to be prepared to do it, and be ready, willing, and able to deal with the consequences of doing it.

This is HUGE, and this is why good, quality, lasting therapy takes time. We spend our entire lives learning the way the world works, and then we figure out that it’s not so much working for us. But the alternative, change, takes not only time and effort, but a whole lot of courage! We have to be ready for what happens when we are ready to deal with our addictions. We have to learn other ways to cope with the pain we are trying to numb with them. We have to deal with people finding out that we’ve had them, and the shame that goes with it. We have to deal with the fact that Mom may not like us telling her “no” when she demands something within our new boundaries. We have to deal with the problems in our marriage or withdrawl of our unhealthy needs being met when we admit to having an affair. It is not for the faint of heart. Dropping that pen can be the hardest thing we’ve ever done! We need support, guidance, and reinforcement; and most of all I think, we need reassurance that what we’re doing will actually work!

What does your pen look like? WHEN will you be ready to drop it? Preparations can take a long time. Believe me, I know first hand. It took me a long time to be ready and able to drop a few of my pens. Not only that, I’ve dropped one here and there, and picked it right back up, only to have to work on dropping it again! I can honestly tell you that I still have one or two in my pocket, yet! When I’m ready, I will drop those, too. When you find yourself asking deep questions in the form of “how do I…?”, remember dropping the pen. Find yourself a good guide, take a heaping dose of courage, and prepare for the thud. You can’t imagine the freedom of not carrying them around…once you get used to it, your life will be better than ever! Thanks for stopping by.

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Hidden Stuckness

Apr 13, 2010 | Blog, grace

When I read an article, book, or blog, I always try to find truths about myself, my own situation, and the world in general. I am a die-hard truth-seeker. I ask myself, how can I learn and grow from this information? This time though, the truth is that I’m really not feeling very stuck right now. Don’t get me wrong…I’ve been stuck in my own mud but good on many occasions. Right now, though, I’m chasing my dreams and living freer than I ever have because of my hard work on my own recovery. I know though, that it takes diligence to not get stuck again, and practice and time to become better at staying unstuck and knowing where the mud is so I can avoid it. I’m not blind to a few places where I AM stuck yet and I’m working on them, and I’m pretty sure that I’ll find out that I am blind to a couple places yet, too!

That’s what I wanted to talk about today…that hidden stuckness. Where we are stuck but we don’t even realize it. Since by definition I can’t see my own hidden stuckness, hence the word “hidden”, I will talk about a hidden stuckness I see in a dear friend of mine who is not ready to face it, and maybe it will help you see some of your hidden stuckness, too. (You know we can all see the splinter in someone else’s eye FAR better than we can see the log in our own! If it weren’t true, we could all fix ourselves! That’s why people seek counseling!)

So this friend of mine has a big hurt from something that happened a long time ago. For the past several years now, she has had an excellent geographical boundary with the person who hurt her, and never sees him. (It’s called “cutoff.” Can ANYONE out there relate to this?) This keeps the hurt as a “thing of the past” in her feelings, she rarely thinks of it, which takes the edge off, and she feels like she has healed and is “over it.” And you know, she may have done more healing about it than I even know about…completely possible! All I really need to know, however, to know that she is really stuck underneath and not completely healed, is that she refuses to tell this person that she forgives him, and still harbors a tremendous disdain for him. And you know what? By our human standards, he doesn’t really deserve forgiveness anyway! He did, after all, hurt her badly. Even though she was not a victim and had a part to play in the situation, she is correct that he did, too, and he did in fact do some things very wrong.

Most people think that forgiving someone will only ensure that the offensive behavior will happen again. Like forgiving is conveying the message that what that person did was OK when it really wasn’t. In reality though, the opposite is true. By not forgiving, she is ensuring it will happen again! She is also ensuring that she will never be free from it, the bondage of that resentment and unforgiveness will remain for as long as she chooses to hold on to it. It’s so hard to lay things like that down, and even harder once you do, to not pick them back up! Grace really is the only chance to stop the stuckness, not continuing to insist that she is healed and trying to forget about it and move on. Ignoring and denying a part of her that is stuck because she’s now used to it and doesn’t want to face the hard challenge of forgiving him to his face doesn’t make her any less stuck. In fact it is the very thing that keeps her stuck.

Harboring resentment for someone who has hurt you announces loud and clear that you have an area where you are stuck, not truly completely healed and self-differentiated, not graceful, and are actually still tied to that person in an unhealthy way. In therapy, this is the first thing that clients must learn from their therapist: stop looking at the other person and what they did, and concentrate solely on your own issues! What they did is for them to look at and own, not for you to attempt to change for them. With the help of a good counselor, you can learn how to use the conflict with the person you are in a relationship with (spouse, friend, or otherwise) to illuminate areas that you need to work on inside you. By holding on to ill feelings toward someone for something in the past, you only work to keep the focus on them and not your own issues, and keep yourself stuck. “But he…” or “But she…” is the battle cry of everyone trying to focus too much on the other person and not themselves and what they need to learn and change within. Freedom and recovery come from humility, teachability, and introspection; not blaming and trying to change the other person. Believe me, that just will not work, I’ve tried it at length!

If you can honestly and humbly forgive another when they don’t deserve it, (true grace) and not continue the strong dislike, or even hatred, of the other person, you can then say that you have begun to heal and move on. You can see the other person as “OK, who they are, and as healthy as they are, and not healthier” and can achieve freedom from the situation and the pain associated with it through acceptance. You can instead look on them with compassion and grace, and in-so-doing release the burden of hatred and receive the freedom of true healing. Keep in mind the truth that your hatred is not nearly as toxic to the person you hate as it is to you. Just puke it!

If you’ve got this scenario going on, get into a detox program…with a therapist or pastor etc…someone who can help you see things objectively. Learn to forgive and accept to achieve freedom from your stuckness. Maintain good boundaries with people who are not safe, of course; I’m not suggesting otherwise. (I don’t think my friend should trust the person that hurt her to be careful with her feelings, because there is a good chance he won’t, and he has not earned that trust from her. She should forgive him AND keep her distance. Give the forgiveness time to work in their heart.)

For your own sake, learn what there is to learn from the people you don’t get along with. Those relationships can tell you more about yourself and where you need to heal than your warm fuzzy relationships ever will. Your painful relationships are meant to refine you and teach you about yourself. You can learn, or you can stay stuck and miserable, you get to choose!

Thanks for stopping by. More soon.

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Smell The Roses

Apr 5, 2010 | Blog, self-care

I’m back! Woo!

If you were missing me, I just got back from a week-long vacation. It was totally relaxing, as all vacations should be. We did go to a theme park for a couple of days, but the rest of the time was spent doing a whole lot of nothing much, except one very important thing…resting. Ahhhh.

I have been thinking a lot about rest and it’s necessity for us all. Most of us these days have way too much on our plates, are instantly and constantly available via email, phone, and text, and rarely get enough time to really rest and relax. Those things are so vital, however, to our emotional health. We need to take time for self-care, not only to refresh our spirits, but to reconnect with ourselves and others, and to really enjoy our lives and sharing it with those we care about.

When was the last time you took time to refresh and relax? Do you really practice good self-care? I don’t know about you, but I sometimes forget how important those things are in my daily activities. Take time to smell the roses, ya’ll. You will never get today, this week, this month, this year, or this lifetime back again.

Thanks for stopping by again, and we’ll chat again soon!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com