Self-determination. Have you heard this term? If not, you might have heard about self-determination in a different way, choice. But, what does the term really mean? If you Google self-determination it comes up with two choices, one is about a country’s statehood, the other (the one I want to discuss) states, “the process by which a person controls their own life.” But if you boil it down, it comes to choice. Choices you make in your life.   Some people’s actions can seem dependent on someone else’s choices, actions, or words. If that sounds like you, you are not alone. Many people react to others actions in their relationships, oftentimes without even realizing it. Have you ever snapped at a significant other when they question something you’ve done, even if it is something small? Who hasn’t?! But! There is hope! You can take back control of that self-determination. What does self-determination mean for you, as a client? It means you drive the therapy. You bring what you want to discuss into therapy. What does your self-determination mean for me as a therapist? It means, I will guide the therapy process, but I don’t give advice, nor will I make your choices for you. I won’t give advice, nor make choices for you, because that robs you of your self-determination. Your self-determination is what makes you, you, and gives you ownership and responsibility (even if it means taking responsibility for negative consequences) over your choices and your life. I will help you through that process, and help you with the process of weighing pros and cons of the choices you have in your particular life. The better u know yourself, basically making sure you have your own identity outside of anyone or anything else, the better you can function in each relationship you do have! Whether that is with your spouse, your children, your coworkers, your boss, your neighbors, and the list goes on and on! Your self-determination is extremely important to me, and I will work with you to ensure you keep it throughout the therapeutic process. The choice is yours!

So, I am sure you are asking, what do ping pong balls have to do with grief and loss? I am so glad you asked! Most of us know what happens when we play ping pong and the ball goes rogue. The ping pong ball bounces off the edge of the table, it goes one way, then the other, then you chase it round and round in a circle, then you fall backwards on your rear-end, then it bounces off your head, hitting the wall, and rolling under some weird piece of basement furniture….”Ugh you think, not again!” This is more like what grief and loss feels like than those Five Stages of Grief everyone talks about. Now, I am not saying there are not certain aspects that are all relative to grief and loss, such as the Five Stages; denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, but it is not necessarily linear stages, nor does it go in a nice round circle to a certain end. It bounces around like a ping pong ball. One minute you are crying because you saw a certain type of flower that reminds you of your loved one, the next you are laughing hysterically because you recall that memory you have of your loved one who went down a waterslide and flipped over, then you go back to tear-filled eyes because you realize you won’t be able to make any more memories with your loved one, then you are mad because you aren’t able to laugh with them anymore. And on, and on it goes, from one emotion to the next, sometimes by the second, sometimes by the hour, and occasionally by the day, but more often moment by moment. Have you ever felt this way? Wouldn’t it be nice if grief and loss were linear, or cyclical because we would know when it was going to end, we would have some hope of it ending as we neared that depression stage because we could say, “Hey, that’s nearing acceptance, I’m almost done with this!” Unfortunately, grief doesn’t come as cut and dried as this, it bounces around like that unfortunate ping pong ball that sometimes gets lost under some dusty piece of furniture. That feeling of being lost without our loved one is another aspect that isn’t necessarily described in grief because it can hit us years after the loss. For example, if we lose a parent when we are young, we can think about them when we get married, when we have their grandchild; the one they never get to meet, And BOOM! There we are in those grief stages again, crying about our loss, often years later! Once, again, “Ugh!, I thought I was done grieving!” you think. Honestly, we never truly finish grieving, we simply enter that acceptance stage more often than the others. The other annoying thing about grief is that it doesn’t just apply to death, which has finality. It encompasses all kinds of loss; loss of a spouse due to divorce, loss of relationships with your ex-spouses relatives, loss of a pet, loss of a limb, loss of physical health, loss of stability, loss of innocence, and that’s just to name a few in today’s society! Also, did you know that cultures used to allow for us to truly grieve, I mean, people wouldn’t leave their houses for a year or more after a death, and after that they would wear black because they were mourning until they determined they were done grieving. In our culture today, we get the time off for the funeral, then we go back to the grind. How are we supposed to truly grieve? We don’t get our quiet moments to think about our loved one(s), we push our emotions down, we don’t deal with the loss, and if it wasn’t a death we are dealing with, we really don’t get a moment to grieve our losses. Is it no wonder people have trouble in the aftermath of grief and loss? So, have you ever felt like a ping pong ball? If you have, there is hope, one of the best things to do is to reach out to someone who understands, someone who has been there before, someone you can connect with. It can’t hurt more than bouncing around along like a ping pong ball.

Have u ever felt overwhelmed u start to feel some or a lot of anxiety? So much going on at home, getting kids to sporting events, doing laundry for your spouse’s meeting, running to the store to get dinner, having to plan your own meeting for work, etc,  then to top it off, you find out a family member has cancer… So many aspects can impact how we feel anxious or overwhelmed or not at all. A little anxiety can be okay because it can help us do what we need to do or to stay away from something that might harm us. It’s when anxiety gets in our way or prevents us from doing things it shouldn’t prevent us from doing that it becomes a problem. I had a discussion with someone recently and this person made a statement that they can’t even watch the news anymore because they are already so overwhelmed with what is going on in their life that they can’t handle anything that is discussed on the news. And they have plenty going on right now to feel overwhelmed, but this is someone I consider to be extremely well-functioning. Suffice it to say that anyone can be or feel overwhelmed, even me! It does happen. And it doesn’t have to actually be true, one just has to perceive anxiety or feeling overwhelmed for it to have an effect on them. Again, like depression, anxiety, or feelings of being overwhelmed can simply be the symptoms of something else going on. What matters is whether in those moments stated above (getting everything done, hearing about loved ones with terminal illness, etc), we can still feel peace, even in those trying times. I want you to feel peace in every moment in your life, not only the up times, or the good times, but even in the hard times. And it is possible to feel peace in those moments!