I was talking with my husband the other day, and I determined that men and women at times seem like they speak different languages, even if they both speak English! Well, it doesn’t have to be men versus women, but maybe more people who think logically and people who think more with their feelings. I think it just tends to be men are more logic oriented and women are more feeling oriented, but that doesn’t mean it is always this way! And really this plays out in every partnership/marriage, typically one person is more logical and one is more emotional. I am more about my feelings and just want my husband to listen to what’s going on in my life. My husband on the other hand wants to try to fix the problem. When he speaks to me, he wants to know how to make the problem go away. We know that we speak different languages in this way, so we have committed to hearing each other out (read that again, we hear each other out, we LISTEN) and trying to understand where we are both coming from and compromising on something that doesn’t benefit only one of us. Now, I’m not saying we are anywhere near perfect at it, but we work at it constantly. If you and your significant other want to come in for couple’s therapy, just know that no one is perfect, including me! And that it will be work for each of you separately and together.

It’s that depressing time of year again… The heats been over for a little while, it’s cloudy, it’s rainy, it’s well, depressing, and to top it all off, we won’t see another sunset after 7pm until March! That is a lot of darkness until daylight savings kicks in again in 5 months! Now, we call it depressing, but depression is more serious than dark clouds and a little rain. There are different types of depression, one of them called Seasonal Affective Disorder. The symptoms of Seasonal Affective Disorder include those of depression, but occur during the winter months. For example, sleeping all day, or not being able to sleep at all, loss of energy, diminished pleasure from activities one normally enjoys, weight loss or weight gain, feelings of hopelessness or feeling empty, feeling worthless, or thoughts about death or suicide to name a few (APA, 2013). Depression can be debilitating, it affects not only the one with depression, but also his/her job, coworkers, children, spouse, parents, and the list could go on and on. Depression, however, is only the symptom of something deeper going on inside us. One needs to work on not only the symptoms of depression, but truly figuring out what is causing those symptoms, the tip of the iceberg, depression, tells us there is more work to do underneath, as someone once told me. Only curing a symptom does not cure a disease. The depression simply tells us there’s something else lurking in the depths. It will be difficult work to work on more than depression, but it can be done! We can work on work on chipping away at that iceberg together, regardless of the symptoms that are poking up out of the icy waves, even if it is depression!

Reference:

American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders: DSM–5. Washington, D.C: American Psychiatric Association.

Change, it’s sort of like a rollercoaster, isn’t it? It can be exciting and scary all at the same time. We don’t always know where the next twist or turn is going to take us. When we finally take the plunge towards change, down that humongous hill, and commit to something that changes us, or our lives, we can get that stomach in our throats feeling, and think “OH SH*@! What am I doing?!” Sometimes when we have that thought about change, we jump off the tracks and cling to the ladder on the side of the hill, where we feel in control and safe. There isn’t necessarily anything wrong with change, or potentially anything wrong with staying where we are, depending on our lives. However, as humans we like feeling in control, even if we could fall off that ladder, or the hill completely, after we’ve jumped the track. And are we really in control of everything around us? In one word; no. You are simply along for the ride in a rollercoaster car and that is scary when facing change. We can, however, control ourselves, our reactions, and our behaviors to what is occurring around us. We can maneuver ourselves to better take those twists and turns. Prochaska & DiClemente (2012) have a theory of change and it is a cycle where we have to want to change and take some action towards changing. That phase of the change cycle, called preparation, is where you and my couch meet. Making that phone call to meet my couch is one of the hardest steps towards change, but I’m going to be honest, once you meet my couch, it is going to get hard, stomach in the throat feeling hard, and you may want to simply jump, rather than change, but that is why I am here next to you guiding you through this change. My role as a therapist is to help guide you through change, through those unpredictable ups, downs, twists, and turns, on this crazy rollercoaster called life towards peace in all moments on this ride.

If you’ve ever been through an affair in your relationship, it can have devastating effects. An affair can lead to divorce, loss of relationships (not only the ex-partner, but also loss of relationships with their parents, siblings, nieces and nephews, etc.), anxiety, stress, financial stress, and the list can go on. That does not mean you cannot heal or recover from an affair in your relationship, you must certainly can! And it doesn’t mean, the relationship has to end, if both people are willing to work on the relationship. However the affair is not necessarily the actual problem, problems started months, or years before the affair happened. Possibly even before you first met! Some people might even say when you were being formed in the womb and others would say as soon as you are born. You are influenced by everything in your life from day one! It may sound strange, but you are going to be attracted to someone who models the behaviors you saw growing up, so yes, you did marry your mom, or yes, you did marry your dad in a sense. And there are some biological instinctual parts working on your responses too! Is it possible to overcome biology and history? Absolutely! And affair recovery is possible, just as anything is possible. However, it does take two people in a relationship, and a lot of work (and I do mean a lot!). People can heal from affair wounds, but each partner needs to work on themselves and the relationship. Again, I want to point out that it does take a lot of work from both people who listen (not just talk) to each other, and even have a little bit of humility. Well, okay, a LOT of humility. If you are hurting or grieving from an affair in your relationship, there are ways to heal. Ways we can discuss if you decide to come in.