The One Question Codependency Test

Jan 13, 2013 | Blog, codependency, enmeshment, making changes, Uncategorized

I am all about keeping things as simple as possible. What I have come to find is that, in the world of understanding human behavior and explaining it, it can become quite complex in a BIG hurry! People are simply complex organisms. The more I learn, the more I have found that meanings are hidden, causes may not be anywhere near the effect, and paradoxes are more the norm than the straight forward answer. So when I find something that helps make a concept easier, I love it! Today, what I have for you is a one question “test” to see if you or I are about to be, or have been, codependent. The reasons why this is an effective test are numerous and complex, but I’ll try to give a little glimpse. See what you think.

Before we get to the test itself, first let’s briefly define codependency. Codependency is summed up well with 4 characteristics: other-centeredness, needy, insecure, and passive. Those who struggle with codependency have a hard time saying “no”, even if saying “yes” means that they will be spread too thin, or they really want to say “no.” They tend to be martyr-like. They give-to-a-fault so others will accept them or think they are wonderful. They almost always put themselves and their needs last. I KNOW you know someone like this, you may be like this, and even if you aren’t a lot of the time, there are times when you can be. It’s extremely common.

OK, so, back to my test. How can I check myself to see if my current, past, or pending behavior is codependent? I have a question that will help determine this quickly. Actually, it’s two variants of the same question, depending on if you are trying to decide if what you are about to do is codependent, or if you have already done the deed. Here we go, ready?

“If I do this, will I resent someone?” OR
“Do I resent someone, now that I have done this?”

Codependency, (and counterdependency too, for that matter) are about some sort of relational FUSION or enmeshment. Resentment is an excellent feeling to test, to take your “fusion temperature.” Now, this next sentence is going to sting a bit, if you really want to look a little deeper…ready? Testing your level of resentment is essentially testing the level of control and manipulation you are trying to inflict on the person you are resenting because of the fusion. This is a tough concept to grasp, because is takes a very deep level of humility to look at oneself with that clear of a laser scope. And, you may have never considered looking at it from that angle before. If you resent someone after you have done something for them, and they have not appreciated you enough, thought well of you enough, repaid you enough, or otherwise completed the unspoken trade you initiated with your behavior…there’s resentment.

So what you have given or done has not been about you giving freely or acting completely autonomously, it has been about getting something from the other person in return….translation: attempting to manipulate or control a behavior from the other person. When we are fused or enmeshed, we need to do this in order to get a wound deep in our hearts soothed. Maybe the wound looks like this voice in your head: “I don’t feel very good about myself, so YOU make me feel better about myself by telling me how great and selfless and giving I am.” Sorry. I know that is a big glimpse in an unflattering mirror. Can we be that real, though? In the quiet stillness in the depths of your mind, when you are all alone in a dark room with no one around, think about it. No one will judge you there, you can be completely vulnerable and honest with yourself.

Think about what you wanted the person you resent to give you, and then consider why you need it so much. Then, and here’s the big one, give it to yourself. Acceptance? Accept yourself, warts and all. Praise? Praise yourself for a job well done. Love? Love yourself. Know you are worthy of it. What is it you need to give yourself to feel better? Think about how invasive and hurtful it is to try to manipulate or control someone else into giving it to you. I know it stings to see it that way; but in order to change how we feel inside, we have to take a deep, hard look and call it what it is.

This manner of relating keeps you tied to others, needing them for you to feel OK, and it keeps you in a panic for how you’re going to keep the salve coming from them. You’ll trade your self to get it. I would encourage you to move through this current behavior and heal the wound so you don’t need the salve anymore. Give what you’re longing for to yourself. Love and accept yourself. Become safe for the other person by not invading and controlling to get that need met. Find peace from the struggle of getting others to fill you up or soothe you. No trades; no manipulation; no control; no invasion; no anxiety about where the next fix of love, acceptance, or praise is coming from. Then you will be able to give, truly give, without resentment.

That’s what I have for you today. If you enjoy my blog, please feel free to forward the link or sign up for the mailing list that notifies recipients of when a new blog is posted. Any questions may be directed to neisenmanftca@gmail.com. Thank you for your support! My readers ROCK!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Shut The Frau Up!

Oct 29, 2012 | Blog, grace, inner voice, making changes, shame, Uncategorized

Pardon the play on words, but it really is the perfect title for this post! I promise by the end, you will understand why I chose it.

I was thinking this week about the “voices” we humans hear in our heads. No, this is not a schizophrenic or delusional thing I am talking about here! I am talking about the very normal, everyday thoughts that go through our heads. Have you ever noticed that you “talk” to yourself almost non-stop? What do the voices in your head say to you?

“I look really pretty today.”
“Wow, that was a stupid thing I just did.”
“She is so much skinnier than I am.”
“No one loves me.”
“I did a really good job on that project.”
“I am a terrible father.”
“I forgot to pay that bill.”
“I’m an idiot.”

Pretty much non-stop chatter in there, right? One time long ago, I had a therapist explain it to me like this…”we all have numerous ‘people’ and ‘personalities’ in our head, so to speak, it’s just a matter of which one steps up to the mic to be heard.” When it’s time to pay bills, the responsible financial analyst steps up. When in an argument, the angry teenager inside may come out to protect. When looking in the mirror, there may be more than a few choices as to who steps up to put their two-cents in.

And have you ever noticed that they don’t always agree? What if I can’t decide between breaking up with my boyfriend or trying to work it out? One part of me talks me into it, and another part of me talks me out of it. One part tells me I look great in my new jeans, and another part tells me I couldn’t look good in ANY jeans. One part of me knows that I am worthy of being loved well, and another part tells me that no one could ever love me. Catch my meaning?

So in my own recovery work, I have been thinking a lot about the voice in my head that tells me very mean, negative things. It is a very shaming voice, and this part of me absolutely excels at finding every single flaw about me, big or small. In order to name it, pay attention to it, and realize it when “she” steps up to the mic, I have given “her” a name…Frau Hitler. (I am German, and “frau” means “wife”, so it seems quite fitting.) She is just straight-up mean and nasty. I was telling a friend of mine about this idea, and she said, “when you talk about her, the picture of her that I imagine she would look like is Edna Mode from the movie, The Incredibles.” Hysterical! I assured her that the Frau is not like the cute and funny spitfire fashion designer portrayed in Edna. She is actually a shaming bully on steroids. She is the voice of damaged self-image and shame; and at times, it can seem as though she is screaming into a bullhorn!

I know this is a very common problem, in fact I think everyone has a Frau Hitler of some kind and to some degree running around in their head. Some more than others, and some folks give their particular “frau” more mic time than others. I have often wondered the best way to deal with this issue of damaged self-image and negative self-talk (shame), as a therapist-in-training. Warm and fuzzy audio tapes in the ears? Pasting affirmations to every mirror? Hypnosis? I mean seriously, what is the best way to build a positive self image?

Intuitive thinking would say “well, just start talking to yourself nicely.” Ya, like that’s super easy…right? I’ll just conjure up someone in my head who thinks I’m beautiful and lovable and the best thing since sliced bread and let HER/HIM have the mic…after all, she can take on this powerhouse that has ruled my thoughts about myself since I can remember…piece of cake. Um, no. Doesn’t work that way. Why? Because it feels like a lie. We can conjure it up, but we won’t believe it.

So instead, how about we take the back way in…the paradox, the counter-intuitive? Shut the Frau up! Commandeer her bullhorn immediately! You’ve heard the phrase, “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.” EXACTLY. Just do it in your own head! Let her take a nice, long vacation in Siberia, like for the rest of your life. Then, when that’s done, find out why she was created in the first place, and grieve the pain that made her. Work through it, feel it, process it, sit in it. Realize that she came from a lie: a lie you heard when you were little. Who insinuated, or straight-out TOLD you, that you were not good enough in some way? That person, or those people, became the voice of your Frau. When you stop listening to the lies and deal with the pain, the truth will begin to come into your thoughts naturally and start to heal you.

Who gets the most mic time in your head? My hope for you is that you can see the beautiful creature you are. Inside and out. To give the mic only to those parts of you that love, care for, and nurture you; and to take it away from any part that doesn’t. It may feel like doing so will give you permission to make mistakes or become arrogant, but that too is a lie. Keep hold of your conscience, let go of the shame. Learning to give this love and grace to yourself will help you see the world completely differently, create a peace in your mind that you’ve been dreaming of, and help you love others easily.

There you go. Now, affectionately and with all the love in my heart…..shut the Frau up!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Differentiation 205

Sep 13, 2012 | abandonment, anxiety, Blog, cut-off, family systems theory, fear, goals, Uncategorized

Welcome to The Waiting Room today! It is a BEAUTIFUL fall morning, and I have just made myself a cup of Wild Mountain Blueberry coffee. Yummy! Curl up on your favorite comfy chair and join me for a short siesta. Once again, today we are working on differentiation.

So I have posted before about this crazy differentiation word. I will likely post about it again in the future as well. You see, this notion of differentiation really IS “where it’s at.” If you can work toward incorporating this concept, this way of thinking and relating, into your life…you will absolutely have not only greater peace inside your mind, but ALL of your interpersonal relationships will not be able to be anything but more healthy, balanced, fulfilling, safe, calm, close, loving….these wonderful words and many more.

To recap then, what is differentiation? The simplest description of it I can come up with is this: “knowing who you really are, and having the ability to control your anxiety, (remaining non-reactive), to real or perceived fluctuations between emotional and relational closeness and distancing of others.” OK, one more time in English… “to not freak out when you think someone is cutting off or pulling away from you, or trying to get too close or intimate.” For example, you all know “commitment-phobes”…they have anxiety over someone getting too close. What about the person who chases after the commitment-phobe? They have fears about being alone. How about a little less obvious…What about a husband that avoids/hates deep, connected, or intimate conversations? What about a wife who is lonely? This is all anxiety about closeness and distance. We ALL have this going on inside of us to some extent.

I am here to tell you…controlling this anxiety inside is SOOO not an easy thing to pull off! Not even kidding. Sakes! It first takes an awareness of what it is and when you’re doing it, no small feat, and then you have to be able to act counter-intuitively to how you have always acted while protecting yourself from emotional wounding. It is un-learning your learned defensiveness and facing your worst fears head-on. You literally have to overcome the natural protective instincts of the most powerful part of your brain, sometimes referred to as your “Lizard Brain” or “Reptilian Brain”, which I have blogged about before. Beware The Timeless Lizard

Let’s work a little deeper on this today, and move toward a better understanding of what differentiation looks like. I attended a training given by our resident expert on differentiation, Jerry Wise. He gave us a sheet that describes the 5 characteristics of self-differentiation that I wanted to share with you. Here they are:

“A Sense of My Own Limits, And The Limits of Others. A clear understanding of where I end and someone else begins; respect for the right of others to be the way they are, but refusing to allow others to intrude upon one’s own rights; defined from within, rather than adapting to please others.
Clarity About What I Believe. What would I die for, and what’s not worth it? Of what am I certain, and of what am I not so certain?
Courage To Take Stands. Defining where I stand and what I believe, in the face of disapproval; refusing to give in to another when it is a matter of principle; capacity to stand firm in the face of strong reactions. (ex. “You can’t think, act, feel that way and be a part of this family!”)
The Ability To Stay On Course. Resolve to follow through toward a vision in spite of sabotage; emotional and spiritual stamina to stick with a lofty goal and not let others’ reactions change your course.
Staying Connected In Spite Of It All. Maintaining a relatively non-reactive give-and-take with those who are reacting to you, (easier said than done!); resisting the impulse to attack or cut-off from those who are most reactive to you.

The first three have to do with self-definition. The last two have to do with self-regulation. BOTH are necessary for a healthy relationship. Definition of Self is a life-long process, in which we can only take small steps at any one time. The essential capacity one must develop is that of self-regulation (taking responsibility for the management of one’s own anxiety and reactivity.)” (Leave me a message if you want to know the source of this, and I will see if Jerry has it.)

Nowadays, most of the time I can call myself out when I am under the influence of my issues/wounds by admitting, “That was clearly not my most differentiated moment.” Yep! It takes a long time to get the hang of it, and then ya still slip sometimes. While I have been working on this change in me for about 6 years now, and have a lot of really good successes, I still have my moments. Oh boy, do I have my moments.

“So, then,” you ask, “why bother? This sounds like a slow, arduous process.” Yes it is, but the more I study and learn, the more I know that self-differentiation is the completely worthy goal and it is so incredibly powerful when it comes to inner and relational peace. It’s lifelong, and difficult, and it’s not about “how-to lists”; but rather about hearing and learning from experiences and insights, followed by a readiness to grow and change. Even small changes can make a huge difference in relationships and in your mind. Changing your life’s focus and paradigm to a goal of continued differentiation will alter, for the better, both how you feel inside and how you interact and love everyone.

Thanks for reading, and have a differentiated day!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Death By Comparison

Sep 3, 2012 | Blog, faith-based living, goals, making changes, Uncategorized

I’ve been thinking lately about things that are capable of stealing and killing joy in our lives. Everyone wants more joy in their life, right? I know I do. Life is pretty darn hard, and joy breathes a welcome respite into the difficult journey. I wanted to talk today about one persistent, internal, covert, and completely changeable behavior that can rob you of all kinds of joy. Comparison.

I was thinking about something as simple as one’s salary, for example. Perhaps someone has an income that is sufficient for their basic life necessities, they can make ends meet, and they have “enough.” They feel rather content, feeling blessed that they have a place to sleep, clothes to wear, and food to eat. Then what happens? They find out that Joe who works down the hall doing the exact same job makes $2000 more/yr. All of a sudden, they’re no longer happy with their job or salary, and anger and resentment builds. Immediately gone is the joy, the outlook of blessing, the gratitude of having enough. All of a sudden, what they make is $2000/yr not enough. Likewise, someone who makes $200,000/yr can feel they are having a hard time financially, while someone who makes $20,000/yr feels blessed because they have enough to eat and a place to sleep. Comparison to the norms of the world, and what you think you should have, can steal your joy in a heartbeat.

What about relationships? The same thing is true when people look at the lives of others and say “I wish I had…” or “at least you have…” What happens when we compare what others have to what we have? Usually one of two things: 1) our joy is gone because we don’t have as much as someone else, and we pine for more; or 2) we become judgmental or condescending, finding ourselves “better than” because we have more. Both are joy destroyers.

There are more options than just 1) and 2) however. For example 3) we can look at someone else who has more, and be joyful with them in their blessings, 4) not worry about comparing, and still feel thankful for what we have, 5) see that someone else has less than we do and share, etc. If we chose these options, how might our joy increase?

The adverb that comes to mind is “exponentially.” What joy there is in gratitude! A heart filled with gratitude has no room for anger and depression. Endlessly comparing what we have to what others have is a recipe for despair and a life driven by hunger and greed and feelings of wanting.

You’ve heard the sayings: “the grass is greener,” and ”keeping up with the Joneses,” for example. You never really know what is going on in the lives of others, the hardships and obstacles and pains they face. When it comes down to it, they are on a different path, a journey to grow them in the places they need growing. It is not your journey. Learn what you can exactly where you are. The Bible goes so far as to encourage us to “Consider it pure joy…when you have troubles of many kinds.” (James 1:2) Say what? Yep. Embrace the truth. You are not a victim. Your troubles are there to teach you. Your circumstances are a classroom to learn, and you can change how you feel without changing any circumstance. Accept the challenge with joy!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Chameleons

Jul 22, 2012 | abandonment, anxiety, Blog, codependency, enmeshment, fear, inner voice, shame, Uncategorized

Chameleons are probably not a subject you would ever think I would blog about, right? No, I’m not taking a turn for veterinary science or lizardology. I mean, what is a therapist wannabe gonna say about chameleons or anything else in the wild kingdom? Today we are going to discuss a type of personality that has been termed “chameleon.”

Chameleons are lizards that blend in and adapt to their surroundings so as not to be readily seen. Do you know any people who seem to exhibit this kind of relating to others? Have you ever met anyone who could adapt to any situation and seemingly thrive in any setting? Maybe the chameleon is with someone who likes to be the center of attention at a party. They come out of their shell and become more outgoing to match the other person. Perhaps they are in a setting with a very somber group. They become quiet and subdued. Maybe in another setting the chameleon will act very religious or chaste, while the next moment becoming vulgar or mean.

Why do chameleons blend into their surroundings in nature? It is a defense mechanism. It’s no different in the case of the chameleon personality. An intense fear of abandonment or shame for example can cause people to adapt to whatever situation presents itself in order to preserve perceived connections with others. The chameleon doesn’t have a strong sense of self. They borrow the “self” or personality of others to gain attention and acceptance.

This is actually a lonely and anxiety-filled way of relating to others. What fears does the chameleon face? They fear being their authentic selves because they might be abandoned if the others find out who the chameleon believes they are on the inside. On the inside, the chameleon believes he/she is not lovable. They fear the aloneness and rejection they will face if someone sees them, really sees them for who they are, and doesn’t like what they see. Having these scary feelings…it literally feels like it would be worse than death. Therefore, adapting to situations by giving up “self” to be acceptable becomes necessary for their very survival.

When it comes down to it, they end up giving up who they are, trading peacefully living as the beautiful person they are on the inside, for the anxiety of trying to belong. The voice in their heads constantly tells them that no one will accept them for who they are. It is a private hell of their own making. They refuse to believe how breathtaking they are! (And not because they’ve earned it, but because they ARE.) Each person is a unique and beautiful creature, lovable for exactly who they are. Many of us don’t believe it. We tell ourselves the lie that all of the painful times we experienced anything that resembled rejection in our childhoods were reflections of how lovable we are. I would invite you to stop believing this lie.

If we look a little bit deeper…and if you see yourself as a chameleon, this feedback might sting a little bit…chameleon behavior is also actually controlling of others. Attempting to control others is about making your own environment safe for yourself. If I can control others, I don’t have to be afraid of them, right? So as a chameleon, I am going to attempt to control your perception of me, in essense attempting to force you to accept me and pay attention to me. When it comes down to it, this is an invasive way of relating to others. It is also ultimately a temporary illusion at best, because we can’t really control how others feel or think…not in the context of a healthy relationship, or with any kind of long-term efficacy. Eventually someone you are trying to “trick” will catch on, and the chameleon can be seen.

Taking the risk to love yourself for who you are is a dangerous and scary notion, but it is the truth, and it is the growth we must pursue if we are going to have a mind filled with peace and self-acceptance. We will also no longer need to control or invade others, making us safer for them to choose to connect with us. When you can accept yourself, you can give acceptance to others most freely too, not codependently or in a controlling way, and not in an unbalanced “I’m-going-to-trade-my-self-for-your-acceptance” way. Think about accepting yourself more completely, with all of your beautiful, breathtaking, and brilliant colors. Risk letting the world see who you REALLY are, because that authentic self inside of you is AMAZING!

Thanks for reading! Have a beautiful day!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Fair vs. Unfair

Jun 10, 2012 | anxiety, Blog, boundaries, enmeshment, family systems theory, grace, inner voice, Uncategorized

Recently I was in on a very interesting discussion on the topic of “fairness.” Wow, was it good! We were talking about how fair or not life can be, and I asked some questions to see how those around me felt about the topic. See how you would answer some of the questions I asked:

Is the world fair?
Is what happened to me as a kid, all the emotional wounds I received, fair?
Is someone cutting in line fair?
Does the reasoning behind their perceived unfair behavior matter, or change anything?
What if no one gets hurt?
What do you think?

Take a minute to ponder your ideas, or paradigm, about fairness.

My answer to the question “Is Life Fair or Not?” was “YES.” Yes, life is fair. Yes, life is unfair. This is gonna sound kinda weird, but…it depends on who you ask. I don’t mean which person in the world you ask, I mean which part inside of you that you ask. One of my mentors, Kathy Henry, LCSW taught me a way to look at myself on the inside to dis-entangle the myriad of thoughts, feelings, and reactions I could have to any given situation. She said that inside of us, we have an adult, an angry teenager, and a little child. Now, let me assure you, this is not a schizophrenic thing! It is just a way of thinking through things to help make sense of a complex set of thoughts and feelings.

To explain further, “Little Kid” is the part of your heart that is easily offended and hurt; is raw and sad from wounds; is voraciously needy for attention, affection, and acceptance; and pretty much thinks the world revolves around his/her perception. It’s the core of your heart, the vulnerable part of you…the part that is hurting…and the part that is so amazingly BEAUTIFUL! There is no pride living in this part of your heart; it is innocent and faith-filled, while also immature and having a limited view of the world.

“Angry Teenager” is your psychological walls…your Little Kid’s protector. It is your reactivity personified. When someone hurts you, or even if you perceive someone threatening to hurt you, Angry Teenager comes out in force and kicks some backside! He/she/it is a prickly porcupine, a green ogre, a 7-foot monster with a bazooka and a foul mouth. Whenever you need to back anyone off who you perceive as threatening to hurt any wound Little Kid might have, and adult is not around to have strong boundaries, Angry Teenager jumps to front and center and takes over the show. When you recognize this one coming out to play, it is an indicator that someone has hurt you or infringed upon your boundaries.

The Adult is your inner parent. This is the one who everyone thinks should be running the show, because that’s who looks like the adult body we see walking around. Unfortunately, that is rarely the case. Unless you’ve had quite a bit of recovery work under your belt, this is actually pretty unusual. Many folks have little kid and angry teenager running the show almost exclusively. Those who have Adult running the show some of the time usually come across as overly responsible and critical. They generally have a voice in their head that sounds something like “Good grief (insert your name here), you really messed that up, you are stupid, incompetent, a screw-up, or otherwise not good enough unless you perform perfectly, which you can’t…” The inner parent says to the inner child exactly what your parents said to you, verbally or non-verbally, while you were growing up…only on a bullhorn and repeating it over and over!

So how does that help organize all these thoughts, feelings, and reactions that I was talking about? If we can stop parenting ourselves in our own heads the way our parents wounded us when we were kids, we can start to love, accept, and care for the hurting little kid inside us. Instead of having angry teenager come out to our friends and loved ones…you know, the ones we hurt the most…we can redirect that scary monster away from them and toward the mean, critical, or passive inner parent! We can begin to take responsibility for our own feelings and actions instead of blaming others for them. The Adult becomes nicer, more nurturing, and more accountable inside for the only person it can control…itself. The little kid begins to heal while not only being heard, but also receiving the kind of parenting he/she has always longed for and never gotten.

Now, back to Fair vs. Unfair. What if we ask the little kid inside of you whether or not he/she thinks life is fair? Is it fair for a child to be hurt, abused, abandoned, or otherwise unloved? No, of course not. Each one of us is worthy of being loved and cared for perfectly. The problem is, NONE of us get it. No one. We are all wounded when we are little, and build psychological walls to protect ourselves from the wounding. Thank goodness we do, because without those walls as a kid, we would not be able to survive. Therapy and recovery is about figuring out the walls we built, tearing them down to heal the wounds behind them, and then learning new, mature and responsible (differentiated) ways of responding to painful stimuli. We can begin to see with new eyes, and hear with new ears.

What if we ask Angry Teenager if life is fair? I think he/she would say “Heck no! All of these bad ole people running around in the world hurting me? I’ll kick their backsides! Nothing is fair and I won’t ever think different!” Angry Teenager pouts and throws temper tantrums. Angry Teenager is the one who plays the part of victim, and keeps you STUCK. Do you know anyone who sounds like this? Do YOU sound like this? You may have an actual angry teenager living in your house that sounds like this! Older people who still sound like this have a hurting little kid inside, and an Adult who is not doing their job (boundaries, nurturing, non-reactive voice, etc.)

What if we ask Adult? Mostly, I think Adults, truly in their “adult/inner parent” space, would say that yes, life is fair. It’s fair that all of us didn’t get what we needed. It’s a dog-eat-dog world…and all that. We come to a place of acceptance, at least to a degree. Continuing to think about it in terms of fair vs. unfair is dangerous though. I don’t want you to hear that you deserved the pain you got; and, the world does have evil in it. You and I just needed our pain, to grow. It is what it is. Who grows and changes when they are happy and content?

Here’s where we become ready to take the big step, then. When we move toward a more differentiated, responsible, truly mature adult position…(are you ready?)…we stop feeling the need to ask the question. We become de-enmeshed with the rest of the world and what it’s doing. We realize that the things that happen to us and around us are what we need to grow and learn. We accept them more fully and peacefully. We realize everyone is walking around in an adult body with a hurting kid and angry teenager inside, and most are unaware of it. We exude calm and grace, love and accept others, have good boundaries and healing so angry teenager becomes obsolete….we are able to truly connect with others and we are finally peaceful.

What do you think about fairness now? I hope you enjoyed reading! I would love to hear any comments you have on this topic. Thanks for stopping by!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.

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Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com