The One You Feed

Aug 13, 2011 | Blog, fear, grace, inner voice, self-care, shame, Uncategorized

A friend of mine posted this on our friends newsgroup, and I thought it fit quite well into what I posted on last week. Check it out:

An old Cherokee told his grandson, “My son, there’s a battle between two wolves inside us all. One is Evil. He is anger, jealousy, greed, resentment, inferiority, lies, & ego.The other is Good. He is joy, peace, love, hope, humility, kindness, empathy, & truth.” The boy thought about it & asked his grandfather, “Which wolf wins?” The old Cherokee quietly replied, “The one you feed.”

There is a ton of truth in this. Keeping our focus on the negative emotions and our dark side only serves to feed those emotions. Focusing on kindness, empathy, and love in the same way feeds those emotions. Which wolf is winning inside of you?

Let’s go one step deeper. Why would anyone want to feed the evil wolf inside of them? I’ve come to learn that some folks feed their negative emotions not because they like it so much, but because the negative emotions and pain are their “normal”. It is actually uncomfortable for them to feel joy, because that does not align with their self-truth…that they are not good enough. They also have a crippling fear that if they do try to feel good, peaceful, loved…they will ultimately crash and find out that their fear was right all along, that they aren’t lovable, and that is more painful by far than simply not trying. This lie paralyses all who choose to believe it.

If this describes you, deep seated shame holds you captive with fear. Facing it is very difficult. Do you have the courage to believe you’re good enough? It’s not easy. Is joy worth the risk? You bet it is. What you’ll find out, if you choose to try, is that believing you’re not worthy is the lie you’ve been living in, and you can defeat that lie and begin to feel good enough with only one person believing it is so…you. Others really don’t have to agree.

The connection you will feel if you allow the joy and love in holds the key to the lack of anxiety and the peace you yearn for. Recovery is not for the feint of heart. It’s easier if you have someone with you, encouraging you, holding your hair back while you puke, and guiding you along the path they’ve already walked. No change comes without pain.

A gifted therapist can make facing the fear bearable, and help you not slip back into your shame place, by helping you to see yourself objectively. Learn to starve the dark wolf inside of you. Not by ignoring it’s presence, but by being conscientious about not feeding it. Feed the good wolf and reap a harvest of peace and joy. It’s worth it, and it will eventually become your new normal. The change will feel uncomfortable for a good while, but eventually you will grow to where it will feel uncomfortable to be angry, sad, and depressed.

That’s what I have for you today. Happy wolf hunting!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Black, White, or Gray?

Jul 27, 2011 | abandonment, addictions, Blog, fear, forgiveness, grace, inner voice, shame, Uncategorized

I was visiting after our staff meeting today with one of my collegues, Jenn Lance, and she said something that stuck with me. She said, “I can see other people in shades of gray, but most times I only see myself in black or white.” Hmm. I had to agree that oftentimes I do the exact same thing. I’m either good enough or not, acceptable or not, smart or stupid…etc. You get the drift. I know I’m not the only one…

For me, what this is really about is having a hard time giving myself some grace. I give it to others by the bucket-full, yet abandon myself and the vulnerable little girl that lives inside of me. I can see others’ flaws and accept them for how and where they are on their journey, but I’m not so easy on myself sometimes.

The other day, a client was sitting in our waiting room reading a copy of Esther Perel’s book entitled “Mating In Captivity.” This is a book I read during my own season of couch-work. I listened to it in audiobook form, and it was basically like 8 hours of sex therapy. I began visiting with the client about it, and she asked what I got out of the book. I told her that what really surprised me about this book in particular was how much I learned about myself that had little or nothing to do with sex.

In particular, one part of the book that spoke to me talked about the dimmed, darkened, hazy mirror by which we view our dark side behind us. Sometimes we ignore it completely. It’s not directly in our field of view, but it’s there, affecting us all the same. It’s been a few years since I’ve read the book so I don’t remember exactly how Esther put it, but her point was that many of us deny the existence of our dark side, and in-so-doing, become a slave to it, or live at it’s mercy whenever it rears it’s ugly head.

The black and white thinking I’m talking about is a sort of denial of our dark side. The Bible calls it our “old Adam”, or our sinful nature. We all have our faults, fears, and wounds. Ignoring the existence of this side of you yields not only black and white thinking, and “no grace for Nancy,” but also allows you to be blindsided by it, do something you feel ashamed of or guilty for, and then beat yourself up.

I’m not suggesting that we give in to our dark side, (there is such a thing as right and wrong in my opinion, even though the location of the line is highly debated from person to person), but rather have the courage to look at it, understand it, and work on it as opposed to ignoring it’s existence. The pain and fear that lurks there is the birthplace of things like reactivity, fear, and addiction. Those dark feelings grow and fester in secrecy and anonymity.

Shining the light on this place can be very scary and may seem overwhelming. Taken in small amounts, and when you’re ready, looking at it can lead to healing and giving yourself the grace that we all need to give ourselves sometimes. It also happens to be the first step of the cure for shame. A gifted therapist can help you take a peek if it all seems like too much to face alone or is too hard to see.

There’s my schpeel for today. Thanks for stopping by!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

What Is It Like To Be You?

Jul 9, 2011 | Blog, counterdependency, cut-off, forgiveness, grace, respect, Uncategorized

I recently finished my second theory class as part of my Masters degree schooling. One of the theories studied was termed “symbolic interactionism”. The online Webster’s Dictionary describes it like this: “a theory that human interaction and communication is facilitated by words, gestures, and other symbols that have acquired conventionalized meanings.” In other words, we learn what words and ideas mean based on our environment and upbringing. An important thing to realize, then, is that I may have a different definition for a word or idea, etc., than you have, since our experiences have been different. It is important to be aware of that when working with clients or interacting with others, so that when we communicate, we are on the same page.

This is not a difficult concept to grasp. Misunderstandings occur with everyone, pretty much all the time. I was talking with a male client a few weeks ago about this very thing. We were discussing the subject of “flirting.” My definition of flirting is simply a social interaction that makes both people feel good, showing someone that I like them, or that I am enjoying their company and/or being friendly toward them, etc. Webster’s online describes it as ”acting amorously without serious intentions.” For my client, flirting is actively trying to pursue someone romantically or sexually. When I suggested that the lady he was interacting with probably thought of his kindness as “flirting”, he insisted that he was not, that he was only being kind. I did not question his motivation, we simply had a different definition of the word “flirt.”

We cleared up the misunderstanding quickly. I realized that his feeling that his intentions were misunderstood made him feel judged, which was totally NOT what I was going for! I remembered the dialogue process, and concentrated on learning about his “truths.” It reminded me that it is necessary to be careful in how I communicate and remember that others may hear the same word but have a different definition. I continually ask the question in my head…”what is it like to be you?” THAT is connection. In Imago theory, Harville Hendrix states that “the most important thing is how you experience me experiencing you.” I need to make sure that I am showing you that, even if we disagree, that you are important, worthwhile, smart, valid….. Then we will have connection, even if it’s in conflict.

One of my mentors at Family Tree Counseling, Jerry Wise, says it like this…”You can say almost anything at all to anyone, and they will hear it, if you are moving toward them when you say it.” Moving toward someone looks like this connection, learning what it’s like to be them, seeing them in a positive way, being curious about their world truths. If you hear the other person and want to know what it’s like to be them, they will be inclined to return the favor!

Something to keep in mind the next time you think your communication with someone is not going very well. Stop trying to tell them what you think, and listen to what they think. If they feel like you’ve heard them, they may just be curious about what you think too, and reciprocate. Then you will be heard too! That’s connection and true dialogical communication.

Thank you so much for stopping by. You’ve shown that you want to know what I think by stopping by and reading my blog. I am more than happy to reciprocate. Feel free to tell me what you think, too! Leave me a comment and tell me what your truth is. You are also welcome to email me at nancy@healingheartsofindy.com . Hope you’re having a great summer!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Step Two, Check!

Jun 15, 2011 | Blog, goals, Uncategorized

Anyone who regularly reads my blog knows that I am a Masters student at Indiana University. I thought I would take a moment today to update you on my path to becoming an MSW!

This year has been such a busy one for me, with many irons in the fire at once. Besides being a part-time student, I am parenting two boys, I am a full-time assistant, and I am also now a part-time intern. Since I am now insured, supervised, and a master’s student, I have begun seeing clients as of November, and I facilitate one of our support groups. It has been quite the challenge to maintain some sort of balance! The past year has included many late nights staying up writing papers and such…and I thought I was too old for “all-nighters”. Well…turns out I am, but I do it anyway on occasion out of sheer necessity!

I have learned so much in the past year. I am SO thankful for excellent teachers and mentors: at school, at work, in books, at seminars and trainings, and all around me every day. My son made me chuckle the other day. I told him that he needed to help me remember to stop for an errand when I picked them up from the babysitter, and he said “Mom, how come I need to help you remember stuff?” I told him that I was learning so much that my brain was full and it couldn’t hold anymore, so some stuff leaks out. I explained to him the “Garbage In, Garbage Out” idea, and we joked about how sometimes Mom has too much garbage in her head. He seemed satisfied with that explanation!

This conversation reminded me that we all need help from others. By sharing each others’ burdens, everyone’s individual load becomes a little lighter. Even something as simple as helping me remember to pick up some milk and bread on the way home is a help. He reminded me to be thankful for others, and that I don’t have to do it all alone.

So as of this coming weekend, I will have one whole year, 6 classes, complete. Thanks go out to everyone who has helped me along the way…with everything from child care to being a subject of a research observation here and there! I could not do everything I’m doing right now alone, and I appreciate so much everyone’s support.

I’ll check back in with you all next year or so on this subject, and let you know how it’s going. In the mean time, stop back and take a peek, I’ll be blogging about all that stuff I’m learning that’s making me unable to remember to get groceries. Thanks for stopping by!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

“Bad It!”

May 5, 2011 | Blog, counterdependency, grace, respect, Uncategorized

I’m thoroughly enjoying a much needed vacation this week! I do enjoy blogging very much, but haven’t had as much time as I’d like to do it lately, with the end of the spring semester and all. I ended up passing both of my classes with flying colors, though, another semester closer to done!

I want to keep it little bit light-hearted today, in honor of my time off, so I want to tell you a funny story. You know I’ve been talking lately about objectification, about “I-it” and “I-thou”. I-it relationships are where we value others based on what they can do for us…they are objects in our lives whose sole purpose is to benefit us. I-thou relationships value the other person’s feelings, world views, experiences, and love them for who they are, not what they can give us.

I was explaining this very concept lately to someone, and it turned into quite a good chuckle. I was pointing out how she many times values people for what they can give her, and she said “No, I really don’t, Nancy…well, except for my ex-husband, my ex-boyfriend, and my dad…and….” I said “OK, so you only objectify those who are closest to you then?” We laughed. Then she said, “But they are ‘BAD ITS’!!!!” I nearly lost it. That’s probably going to end up on the list of 10 funniest thing I’ve ever heard!

We did certainly have a good laugh over it. In fact, here on my vacation with my mom and sisters, whenever we see ourselves or someone else objectifying someone, we’ve been saying “Baaad It!” It’s been the running joke the whole trip! It’s really helpful, however, to realize how much we do objectify others, develop a keen awareness to it, and to instead choose to love them for who they are, not what they can give us. If you find yourself being critical, judgemental, harsh, victimy, or otherwise +/- (I’m OK, but you’re a piece of crap) with someone…remember to stop yourself from saying “Bad It”, and instead love them for who they are and how important they are in your life. It makes all the difference not only in them, but inside you, too!

Back to my vacation!!!! See you back here again soon.

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

I’m The One! (or How to Stop Fighting)

Mar 28, 2011 | Blog, codependency, counterdependency, cut-off, divorce, respect, Uncategorized

A couple of months ago, I went to a therapist training seminar for Imago Relationship Therapy. This is the theory proposed by Harville Hendrix in his books “Getting the Love You Want”, “Keeping the Love You Find,” “Receiving Love,” and “Giving the Love They Need”. They are good reads…I totally recommend them. I had the pleasure of hearing lectures from Dr. Hendrix himself for one of the days of the seminar. He said something that resonated with me, and I thought I’d share.

Dr. Hendrix was discussing how in the womb we are connected, to our mothers and the universe. Then that connection is severed. We are born without any psychological walls into an imperfect world. We then learn, from our first experiences in this world, to disconnect with others….that everyone is here to serve us! We cry and we’re changed, cuddled, fed, burped, or whatever. Our every need is met by someone else, and for the most part, pretty promptly! We learn to see others as objects to meet our needs. We learn to be self-centered. We learn that it’s our world, and everyone else just lives in it…to serve us! We learn to objectify people instead of connect with them.

Through adolescence, we start to take care of ourselves some, but as little as we can get away with, usually. Eventually, we may learn to take pretty good care of our physical needs. Some of us even become very other-centered in our actions; but, are we really selfless? Even being other-centered many times has selfish motives underneath: we want to be loved, accepted, looked-up to, good enough for God, etc. Many people stay quite openly self-centered throughout their lives, too. We see others as objects, there to meet our needs.

This happens in particular in our marriages. We find someone who matches the (usually worst) characteristics of our primary caregivers growing up, someone who will be specifically ill-equipped to meet our deepest needs, and then we try to squeeze blood from the proverbial turnip. Deep down, we really haven’t given up the idea that the other person’s mission in life should be to meet our needs. That’s why we get married, right? “Now we’re together, so start coughing-up the need-meeting!” We also believe that after 20-30-40-50 some years on this planet, that we have the absolute truth, and best way to live, figured out. How I see the world is the right way to see it!

Dr. Hendrix described this attitude like this, he said married couples see each other as if “You and I are one, and I’m the one!” Isn’t it the truth! After all, I know who my lover is down deep, how he/she should act, how they should meet my needs, how they feel about me, and the best way for us to live together….”WHY CAN’T HE/SHE JUST SEE THAT I’M RIGHT?!!” Come on, you’ve said that one, at least in your head, admit it. “If he would just do this for me…” “If she would just…then I would be happy, and our lives would be great.” Right? Now let me ask you this…what would happen if you were to say…”If I would just…”? Think about that one for a minute. (You are the only one you can control anyway.)

Have you ever answered a question about how your spouse thinks or feels and been dead wrong? That’s because we project what we believe onto our spouses, sure that we are right, and they look at us like we have no idea who they are. We all do it, until we learn otherwise. Being able to realize that there are TWO people in the relationship, each with different world views, and developing a healthy curiosity about our spouse’s world/reality is the first step out of fighting hell. Fighting is really about going to war over which one of your world-views is going to win out as “the way we do things in our family.” I’m the one, so we do things how I want, and we meet MY needs! Get with the program, lover! We are all still two-years-old when we act like this. If you are not collaborative with your spouse, and instead attempt to annihilate their world-view to conform to yours, you will succeed in living in fighting hell until you kill your marriage/relationship.

Being able to accept that the other person has a different world view than you do is essential, as is defending it as valid. (Yes, defend THEIR world view as valid! Try that one on for size.) You probably don’t know them as well as you think. Find out. Be curious about them. Avoid negativity like the plague. Invite them to share how they REALLY think with you. Be open. Be vulnerable. It’s not easy. Digging in our defenses will not create changes in our relationships. It will pour cement over things the way they are. It’s a paradox. Acceptance and curiosity will invite collaboration, safety, love, connection, AND changes. Sounds good, doesn’t it? It is. Give it a try.

I could go on and on about this (I already have)…but I’ll stop here for today. Try being curious next time you’re about to fight with your lover. See what their world view is all about. After they pick their jaw up’n off the ground, you will have a MUCH more productive chat! They may even be curious about your point of view. Wouldn’t that be something! Who’s going to be the one to drop their defenses and be vulnerable first? Can you say, “I’m the one?”

Thanks for stopping by. Have a great week!