Marriage Killer

Mar 15, 2011 | abandonment, affairs, Blog, boundaries, codependency, divorce, family systems theory, forgiveness, infidelity, shame

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about victims. There really are true victims in this world, of course…people who have been negatively affected by the actions of others through no fault or no choosing of their own. People who died in the 9/11 attacks for example. No fault or choosing, they just went to work that day and their lives and the lives of their loved ones were changed forever. I think a lot of times, however, people can feel as though they have been victimized, not realizing that they really did have a choice. That’s the idea I want to challenge today.

Take couples where an affair has taken place, for example. Many times the spouse who was cheated on feels as though they have been victimized by their lyin’, cheatin’, backstabbin’, no-good louse of a spouse. This victimy mentality, that they had no fault or choice in this situation, is first of all, not the truth, and second of all…it’s nothing short of a marriage killer! This mentality will ensure that there is no reconciliation. Not only that, it will keep the would-be “victim” trapped in a painful, nightmarish personal hell, and will make them unable to forgive later, keeping them forever tied to the pain of the event.

This poisonous mentality doesn’t exist only with affairs, though. It can also be present in less obvious ways with more obscure painful events, but is still just as damaging and deadly to marriages. Some examples: perhaps a codependent wife feels victimized by her overbearing, self-centered, oblivious husband who verbally or physically abuses her. Maybe a voiceless husband feels smothered by his over-bearing wife. Folks that have shame issues feel like everyone else is to blame for what’s wrong in their life because admitting otherwise would be too painful to bear.

I would respond to this by first saying that if you are saying the words, “If HE would just…” or “If SHE would just…”, then you have at least some victimy feeling going on. You are being in one way or another….controlling. Sorry to be so blunt, but that’s the truth. You are objectifying the other person and trying to make them into what you think they should be/think/feel/do. This will keep you entrenched in a power struggle that is both counter-productive and extremely painful.

I would also be first in line to say that it is not OK for your spouse to be abusive, self-centered, oblivious, over-bearing, controlling, etc. It is painful and you have to have the self-control of good boundaries with people that are unsafe. That does not mean, however, that you have been victimized by them! To those of you who are married…no one held a gun to your head to force you to put someone who is so ill-equipped to meet your needs in charge of meeting them! You’re going to have to own the fact that you picked ‘em, and you continue to pick them. No one forced you to stay in this relationship until you are so filled with rage and resentment that you can hardly see straight and so filled with the pain underneath that you cry yourself to sleep every night. In fact…you chose this person sub-consciously to hurt you just like they have.

Blaming someone else for what has gone wrong in your life is all about walls and protection. If something actually is my “fault,” then I have to own it, change it, and worst of all….feel it. If I own my half of the problem, then I am admitting that “I did something wrong.” Particularly those partners with shame issues will have a very difficult time doing this. Their shame tells them that if they are found guilty of doing something wrong, they will no longer be accepted and loved. That what they were told growing up was true….that they weren’t good enough. That is very painful, (to the point where it literally feels like DEATH to your subconscious), to face. Their walls built to protect themselves will keep that from happening…instead they will come out, sometimes inside their own head and sometimes guns blazing, to blame anyone in their path for anything that happens that makes them feel that way. It could be any little thing that they perceive will signal someone to judge them. It’s not rational, the rational part of their brain is not the one running the show when they are doing it! It doesn’t make it any less real for them, or painful for you, though.

So you married someone who is going to hurt you the most. In fact, YOU YOURSELF WILL ENSURE they will hurt you by putting up walls and hurting them so they will hurt you back. That’s what love is to you. Sucks, doesn’t it! But think about how motivated to change you would be if you weren’t in pain….not very, right? How many people come to therapy because it’s so much fun? Zero. God, nature, the universe, whatever you want to call it…wants you to be healed and whole from the wounds you received as a kid. (This is not about blaming your parents for screwing you up, it’s about being real about what happened. Blaming is about shame, walls, and pain like I said.) We all marry people who will hurt us the way we were hurt as kids so that we will be in enough pain to work on it, heal it, and learn new skills where we are the weakest.

You have not been victimized. You chose the life you’ve led. You have 50% ownership of the relational problems, and you are just as unhealthy and unbalanced as your hurting spouse. Yes…you read that right….they are hurting too….under their angry exterior. See them for the wounded kid they are on the inside. Own your half, no more, and no less. Have good boundaries with those who are hurting you, ABSOLUTELY, but don’t believe for one second that it’s all the other person’s fault. It will kill any chances your marriage had, and will keep you inprisoned in your own pain.

Work on YOUR stuff, sweet ones. If you don’t, I guarantee you will either marry someone just like them and repeat the pattern again, or live out your days with a deep pain or unforgiveness that won’t go away.

Thanks for stopping by. I’ll write again soon.

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Effective Communication?

Feb 22, 2011 | Blog, codependency, cut-off, family systems theory, respect

Today I wanted to touch on a subject that comes up all the time when people call in for a therapy appointment: communication. More times than not, the people I talk to looking for help cite failure to communicate effectively as the major presenting problem in their relationships. Why is that, do you think? After all, these are intelligent folks who have good jobs where they communicate effectively all day, they communicated effectively enough to get into some sort of relationship, and most of them have been talking well enough for people to understand them for at least 25-30 years! What’s the deal?

I think the biggest problem with two well-meaning, smart, people trying to exchange information is their hearing. No, I’m not talking about being able to hear audible sounds per se, but the filters over our ears and eyes through which we translate the messages we are receiving. We all grow up with our own world views being shaped by the events of our lives and all of the things that happen to us growing up. We develop our own set of “truths” about what the world is like, and what the world isn’t like. Then we go out and find people to be in relationships with who will support and confirm our life-truths. Even the ugly ones that we don’t want to believe, and may even consciously think we DON’T believe, but really underneath we do. Things like “I’m not worth it”, “I’ll never be good enough”, or “I can’t trust anyone”.

Oddly enough, when we are grown, we feel awkward and uncomfortable when our self-truths are challenged, and we avoid those situations….even the good ones, and especially the good ones, that we say we want! Like someone who feels unworthy will feel uncomfortable around people who treat them as though they are! Let me give you some examples. Do you know anyone who feels completely uncomfortable receiving a heartfelt compliment? Underneath, they don’t feel worthy of praise and thanks. If I own a self-truth that says “I’m not worthy of a man who will love me for who I am, be faithful to me, and treat me with respect,” guess what? I’m going to marry a cheater who loves me for what I can give him, and who doesn’t respect me for it. That’s my normal, and that’s what love is. It’s my truth. We will choose to be in a relationship or marry someone not only capable, but who will for sure treat us the way our self-truth tells us we should be treated. In other words, if your spouse treats you badly in some way, look at your self-truths. Deep down, in your core, they will match. That’s why what they are saying or doing hurts you so much, they are re-injuring your deepest wounds, (and you are doing the same to them, by the way!). I’ve gotta tell you, too, they will absolutely keep doing so until you find a way to change the way you handle this situation, with good boundaries, true communication, and healing your own wounds!

See, being able to talk to each other so you can understand what each of you is trying to say is less of a problem than the way you hear each other through your own filters and issues. The discomfort of our partners continually affirming our deepest pains makes us unable to listen. Looking inward at the self-truths that lead you to pick someone who hurts you in just the right spots is the key to understanding, reducing reactivity, and really being able to hear what your partner is saying. Get to know yourself, so you can be heard. Then you can get to know your spouse by hearing what they are really saying instead of hearing your own issues talking.

Thanks for stopping by once again! Finals last semester and our office moving and school restarting after CHRISTmas has had me hoppin’, so I haven’t posted as much as I’d have liked. I’ll try to post a little more often!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

To Forgive or Not to Forgive

Nov 18, 2010 | abandonment, Blog, boundaries, codependency, cut-off, faith-based living, forgiveness, grace, grief, inner voice, self-care

I need to have a little chat with myself today, so I thought I’d invite you in to join me. It’s a little less strange….right? OK, maybe not, but humor me…maybe you’ve had this same struggle.

So most of us out here, regardless of faith or spiritual beliefs, know that forgiveness is a totally necessary part of having a peaceful life. Am I right? Am I assuming too much? Holding a grudge hurts the one who’s holding it way more than the one it’s being held against, I think many would agree.

So what happens when it is SO difficult to forgive someone? There is not a question as to whether or not they hurt you, it’s a done deal. Now what? Whether they are sorry or not, whether they intend to do it again or not….completely independent of the other person and what they are doing or not doing…can you forgive them, inside of you?

I want to give you a bit of a different perspective on this situation, to see if it can help you put your focus on the only person you can change, control, or have any real say-so over in this situation….you. It’s kind of a bummer to always have to focus on your own issues, isn’t it? I hear that! This is the time, though, when it’s totally appropriate to be “selfish.” See, I know the secret: changing yourself and what you do will actually change the people around you too, (sometimes you have to give it time.) When people have hurt us, that’s exactly what we want, right?…to change them. The paradox is that you can’t change them, but the only chance you have to influence them to change is to change yourself and how you handle the situation. (When it comes down to it, the ultimate goal is to be OK in your own skin, and not try to change anyone. Just live your life in a way that is balanced and peaceful.)

So what about this new perspective I have for you? I’d like to propose this question: You’re having difficulty forgiving, but what if your lack of forgiveness isn’t really about a fear that it will “give them permission to hurt you again” as most people think forgiveness does? (not true, btw.) OR, about not wanting to convey the message to them that what they did was “forgivable?” What if it is nothing more than a defense mechanism to avoid something else? What are you avoiding? Do you feel like forgiving the other person is like telling them that what they did wasn’t so bad after all or that they can do it again because you’ll just forgive them again? This is also a paradox. NOT forgiving them will ensure it will happen again, and not finding your own healthy boundaries with them is really the problem. Grace is the only real chance there is for changing the heart of the other person. Your hatred or unforgiveness will keep their walls intact.

But my point today is, what if it’s something else? Do you use unforgiveness as an excuse to avoid finding a better way to have boundaries with the other person? Forgiveness doesn’t include an invitation to do the same thing again. Forgiveness says “I know you hurt me, and I forgive you. If you intend to treat me this way, we can no longer have a relationship, but if you can treat me with respect, we’re OK.” That is a healthy boundary. We are not called to abandon our own feelings or open ourselves up to abuse. That is a lack of self-control. But there is a difference between that, and not forgiving.

Do you use unforgiveness as an excuse for not insisting upon yourself that you maintain good boundaries and respectful relationships? Do you hide behind unforgiveness so you don’t have to have difficult conversations? Are you trapped by the fear that forgiveness gives others permission to hurt you more? These are all illusions. It’s up to you to control your boundaries in a respectful, loving way. Not forgiving is focusing on the other person too much, being enmeshed with them, and it keeps you tied to them in an unhealthy way, even if you’re miles apart. It is also a form of judging them, and looking down on them. Instead, look in the mirror and the unforgiveness will melt away like warm butter.

More than anything, in the deepest recesses, I think being unwilling to forgive allows us to hold on to our pain. You may wonder why anyone would want to hold on to their pain, but most people do to some extent. Pain serves a purpose, too. It can be a protective wall. It can be an attempt to control another person. It can be a way to avoid dealing with it inside ourselves. It can even be an excuse. Or, have you ever heard of the idea that the opposite of love is not hate, but undifference? I think many who refuse to forgive fear indifference, or having NO connection to that person at all. Letting it go means finding new ways to cope, letting go of control, finding a new relationship with that person or not having a relationship with them at all (maybe even more painful), and leaves us feeling vulnerable and exposed. It happens anytime we allow our walls down. Finding a new, more balanced way to cope is difficult, but isn’t purging the pain of it worth the journey?

One last thing. A Litmus test. This is how you know you’ve got it; you know you have really forgiven. Can you think of the person who hurt you without disliking them or calling them a derogatory name in your head? What about if that person came to you and wanted to apologize, would you accept it lovingly? (Remember, that doesn’t mean you have to let them back into your life. Take that slow, and only if you want to, trust takes time, and only YOU know if you’re willing to give them another chance.)

There’s my two cents for today. I hope I listened to myself….I needed to hear it. Thanks for sitting in on the chat!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

I Have You Under My Control

Oct 26, 2010 | abandonment, Blog, codependency, counterdependency, fear, inner voice, respect, Uncategorized

I had a client ask me one time, “Where does peace come from?” You see, I have a mug in my office that has a saying on it about peace, and I think it captures the feeling that most everyone that comes to therapy is looking for…it reads: “Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.”

We’re not so naïve as to think that there won’t be trouble or hard work in our lives. We know there will be. We don’t expect to always feel amazing and filled with joy, for our marriages to always be perfect, or to never have problems. Yet when these things happen to us, why do we let our peace be stolen?

If we believe a myth that our peace comes from our circumstances, we are precariously perched for pain and disappointment indeed. We are susceptible to all kinds of misery and joy, that is the nature of the human condition, but we will not be truly peaceful while we are doing either one if we believe that our peace is dependent on what is happening to us. Even when good things are happening in our lives, if we believe our contentment comes from what is going on externally, it will still elude us because we will still be trying to control how long the good stuff lasts, the same as we try to control how long the bad stuff lasts. We try to manage others and our environment instead of ourselves.

When my client asked me where peace comes from, my answer had several facets. I believe peace comes from letting go of the myth that I have more control than I actually do. I think peace comes from relinquishing the expectation that others can make me feel… feel bad or good or angry or sad or jealous or anxious. They can hold up the mirror to attachments or beliefs that I have that aren’t serving me very well, but the truth is that no one can make me feel anything without my cooperation.

I believe that peace cannot live inside me if I am overly focused on things I cannot change or things that may or may not happen. I believe that the acquisition of peace is a by-product of letting go of unhealthy attachments and beliefs. It comes after walking the valley of the shadow of death through my own deepest darkest places to the beautiful light at the other end of the tunnel. As Robert Frost would say, it is the road less traveled, and it truly does make all the difference.

I think of peace as the hallmark, the prize that one receives in their feelings when they are emotionally fit. Like being physically fit, working through emotional issues requires showing up, working out, practice, study, dedication, repetition, focus, motivation, and stamina. By the way, it also takes a truck-load of courage.

This process isn’t for the feint at heart. Many people go to a great deal of time, effort, and expense to AVOID working through this stuff. (That’s what addictions are, for example.) My question to you is, how bad do you want it? Real peace…is it worth the work, the time, the effort, all of it? I’ve taken many people on the walk to peace…well, sometimes it’s more like an army crawl through the mud, but we make it. I continue to walk it out myself every day and will continue to grow in this way for the rest of my life. That’s why I named my practice Peace Counseling Group. Would you like to join me and the others who have gone before you? It’s up to you, the quality of your relationships and how you feel for the rest of your life depends on you.

I hope you will join me, and those who work with me, on this amazing journey. Whomever shows up hungry will leave full of new ways to think about relationships and life. I want the best for all of our clients, life-long changes, not just bandaids. My colleagues and I are ready to go when you are.

Sincerely,

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW

Owner, Peace Counseling Group

If you have any further questions regarding our paradigm or our policies, please feel free to contact us via the contact page or call 317-605-7015. You may also check the FAQ page on this website.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Beware The Timeless Lizard

Oct 19, 2010 | Blog, family systems theory, fear, inner voice, Uncategorized

Imago Relationship Therapy (IRT) is based on the work of Harville Hendrix PhD., author of Getting The Love You Want, Keeping the Love You Find, and Giving the Love That Heals. For a simple definition of Imago Theory, try www.therapy4couples.com/imago-theory.html

I really find imago theory to be quite fascinating. It delves into and explains parts of the brain that we are not conscious of and how those parts of the brain can cause behaviors or exert control over us that we may not even be aware of: Why did he yell at me? Why did that situation make me break down and cry? Why did my friend, a seemingly sane person, chase their spouse around the room and punch a whole in the wall? The list really could go on and on.

So today, let’s talk about the brain for just a minute. It is totally complex and far from completely understood, and I’m far from an expert for sure, but let’s touch on a couple of the basics. There are actually three parts of the brain. The most primitive part is your hindbrain, which is your cerebellum, pons, and medulla oblongata. This is also known as your “lizard brain”, which stems from evolutionary terminology. This is the part of your brain that houses “fight or flight”, for example, and the basic instinctual stuff that keeps you alive: food, breathing and heart beat, body growth, and reproduction. It does it’s work subconsciously, and you may be surprised to know that it is also the most powerful, influential part of your brain!

The midbrain does its job automatically without our conscious thought as well. It is the second most powerful/influential part of your brain! (Did you notice that the two most powerful and influential parts of your brain do things that you are not even consciously aware of?) Among other things, the midbrain processes emotions and memories. I think the most interesting part about the mid-brain is that it is “timeless.” It can experience a memory or an emotion that happened years ago as though it were happening right this minute. This has tremendous implications for all of us. Think about it this way…do you remember how I’ve talked before about how people in relationships with us can hurt us the same way we were hurt when we were kids, and how if those wounds go unhealed, we will still be reactive to them? This is why. Our midbrain experiences those same pains and wounds as if they were happening the same moment as when we were kids. That’s what causes our over-reactions. Since the midbrain’s activities are subconscious, it also shows that we cannot control the emotions that arise for us. Keep that in mind as we move on…

The fore-brain is the part we all know and love the best…conscious thought. You guessed it, it is the weakest part of your brain! Explains a lot, doesn’t it? What kind of match is made with your fore-brain versus Lizard and Timeless? Not much. It can be taught, however, and it can have some influential power over the first two. It can make that which is unconscious, conscious, and it has SOME say-so over what, for example, comes out of our mouths. It takes a lifetime to begin to learn this art of influence over the other two brain areas, however. Since the other two are subconscious, many folks are just simply unaware that they are under their power, even though they are affected by them every moment of every day.

Now, doesn’t that make it easier to understand how seemingly sane folks can act so crazy sometimes? They are under the influence of the brawn of their brain: Timeless and the Lizard. Gotta be aware of the existence of that reptilian fella and his helper. We can use this knowledge to give us a new perspective on behavior, an enhanced understanding and awareness, of both our own and others’ behaviors. That’s what I like about imago theory. It accounts for all parts of the brain, and helps me understand things which look so unrational on the surface. It also helps me stop my own reptile-induced craziness (overreactions)! Lizards aren’t that bright, but they are powerful and can do serious damage! If I am aware of the timeless reptile, I can understand where my feelings are coming from and why they are so powerful. It also illuminates work yet to be done, and gives my conscious fore-brain a fighting chance to regain some semblance of control! And if not, I at least know why I was temporarily out of control. I was “under the influence.”

How’d you like that topic? I find this stuff pretty fascinating. I gotta give credit to one of my textbooks for helping me out (Rosemary Farmer’s, 2009, ”Neuroscience and Social Work Practice: The Missing Link”) and also a recent training I attended given by Dr. Bernard Baca, PhD. LCSW. You may visit his website at www.indiana-imago.com Off to do some more studying! Thanks for stopping by.

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Defending Boundaries With Finesse

Oct 6, 2010 | Blog, boundaries, codependency, cut-off, fear, grace, respect, Uncategorized

Thanks for stopping by today! I apologize that I have not been blogging more often lately…grad school is proving demanding of my extra time. I appreciate you coming again to read my latest post.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about boundaries, and more to the point, how to have good ones without cutting off from others or being overly aggressive. It struck me the other day when I was talking with a friend, and she was describing the need to “fiercely defend her boundaries”. I wondered how massive the attack must have been to require such a fierce defense. Turns out, the thing that was threatening my friend’s boundaries would have been, for most people (metaphorically), a baby kitten! There was a bit of an overreaction going on, with my friend feeling like a T-Rex was threatening her gates.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am all for having good boundaries. They are absolutely necessary in a world full of sinners like us. I wonder though, if we can learn something about ourselves from our boundaries….the ones we find it necessary to have. For example, do you have a boundary with your spouse about leaving their clothes on the floor? What is it about that, that makes you so reactive?

Boundaries are for guarding places that are painful to us, even the simple ones like needing someone to pick up after themselves. So when someone causes you to be “fierce” (or even reactive) can you see the pain underneath that is causing your ferocity, and the need for that boundary? Heal the pain underneath and your walls won’t have to be nearly as strong, nor your reactions nearly as fierce. Your walls will be more permeable, and love and intimacy can flow through them more easily.

We can learn to have good boundaries without being fierce about it. Strong, but not aggressive. Immovable without reactivity. Stand up for how we feel without needing to squish the other person like a bug. It takes finesse. It can be learned in your head pretty quickly, but being able to put it into practice regularly takes time, practice, and healing… mastering it in your heart. It’s learning to see others not as T-rexes, but as hurting kids in adult bodies. I love this thing my co-worker Jerry says, “You can say almost anything to anyone, if you’re moving toward them when you say it”. That doesn’t mean you should lean in to someone’s grill while you’re telling them to back off, I’m not talking about physical proximity; but instead to see them lovingly, as a “+”, as though inviting them toward your acceptance…into your understanding of their needs and pains. Give them a safe place to exist while explaining what’s going on.

Aggressiveness, reactivity, and the need to be fierce are all things that push others away. It may seem like that’s the goal when someone is invading our boundaries. ”Get the heck away from me!” Right? Get the other person to back out of your space and never want to come in again, lest they meet your sturdy defenses! I think a better, (paradoxical) and more effective overall approach is to move toward them by keeping my own reactivity in check, and seeing them as someone who is hurting, too. A kitten, not a t-Rex.

Look deeper than your boundaries to the underlying pain. See others as little kids who are in just as much pain as you are. Nurture them instead of snapping at them. That’s what will eventually stop them from continuing to infringe on your boundaries more in the future. After all, meeting someone’s strong defenses most of the time just tells the other person that your boundaries call for heavier artillery. Less need for defenses invites peace and cooperation. Knowing yourself, where you end and everyone/everything else begins, is the key. Not easy, but you can do it!

See you again soon.

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com