The Secret Garden

Jun 8, 2014 | abandonment, anxiety, Blog, boundaries, codependency, counterdependency, cut-off, enmeshment, fear, inner voice, making changes, Uncategorized

It feels so good to be blogging again! I have brewed myself a cup of Wild Mountain Blueberry coffee and I’m curled up with my iPad, a blanket, and a kitty laying by me…ready to indulge in something I have been away from for far too long…writing about my passion!

Today I want to talk about the garden of the heart. ”The secret garden” has been heralded in literature, poetry, and song. I love the mental picture of having a beautiful garden in my heart. One of my favorite quick prayers that I breathe when I am feeling strong emotions is “Dear God, please tend to the garden of my emotions.” There is an inherent calm and rest conjured by the image of a lovely garden, particularly with God as the Master Gardener. It helps me remember the beauty that is possible inside of every person. There is a secret garden inside of you, too.

I think this imagery is also a wonderfully analogous way of viewing all kinds of things going on inside of our feelings/heart. Is your garden well pruned, healthy, and thriving; or is it in need of care and a good weeding? Have you spent time on the landscaping, or does it grow wild with any manner of flower or thistle? Do the plants produce wonderful fruit for you and others, or do you emotionally and spiritually go hungry? Do you visit there often, or try to ignore it? Is it growing and alive, or dying and barren?
Maybe you’ve given away portions of your land in the name of acceptance from others. If you have, you can feel it. It feels like not having room to breathe and relax because you have so much to do for everyone around you. Each person is healthily entitled to their own relational space. Many times people will give up portions of who they are and the space they need to exist so that others will believe they are a good person, for example. This is one of the main characteristics of relational enmeshment. The easiest definition of enmeshment is “I’m OK if you think I’m OK.” Now we’re enmeshed…my feelings of peace on the inside are now dependent on you and what you think of me. I’ve just given away some of my power, or my garden, for your cooperation in treating me like I matter and that I’m good. This is co-dependency.

On the flip side of the coin, there is emotional distancing or cutoff. Those who fear enmeshment back away from would-be “enmeshers”. They take pieces of others’ gardens to give themselves enough space to feel safe. If you have taken others’ land, you can feel it, too. It feels like constantly monitoring and managing the feelings and perceptions of others. It offers the illusion of control against the attempted enmeshment of others. Folks that operate this way take on the real estate of anyone who will give it up, and many-times will withhold love and acceptance to get more. This is counter-dependency.

Neither one of these gardening methods are “worse” than the other. They are both equally unbalanced. One is based on a fear of abandonment (“Take my power, strength, self, whatever…anything but leaving me!”), and the other is based on a fear of shame (“Stay back, because if you get to close to me, you will find out how unlovable I really am.”). If you take each one a step deeper, they mirror each other. If someone leaves me, I must be unlovable; and if I’m unlovable, of course they will leave me. This fear in our hearts is the driving force for all manner of controlling and manipulative behaviors that make us emotionally unsafe for one another. Both sides are controlling and manipulative…equally unbalanced, equally reactive. (For more on this, read another one of my blogs: “Two Sides Of The Same Coin”). This fear is represented in our gardens as weeds. The fear, like a weed in a garden, has to be destroyed in order for peace to flourish.
When this peace does flourish in our hearts, we begin to interact with others differently. We no longer seek the acceptance of others by giving up pieces of our land. We no longer try to get more space than we are relationally entitled to, to feel safe. We stop the constant dance of reactivity to closeness and distance, trading who we are for the acceptance of others. We learn how to hold still while being able to move with others compassionately. We become relationally safe, opening ourselves up to true and deep intimacy. We learn…inner peace. Our garden grows beautiful flowers and fruit, and the weeds shrivel and die.

If you would like to learn how to walk the path to your secret garden, and tend to the plants living there, come on in. Let’s get started! There is no time like the present, and no one else can or will do it for you. When it’s time to get your hands dirty and start pulling some weeds, learn how to give land back to people you’ve taken it from, or re-acquire the land you’ve given away…give me a call, I’ll be happy to help you. Thanks for reading!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

The Importance of Self Care

Dec 1, 2013 | addictions, Blog, boundaries, codependency, counterdependency, goals, making changes, self-care, Uncategorized

This is a topic that I’ve written on before, but I think it is a good idea to revisit it from time to time. I know that I, for one, need reminders in this area. Today we are going to discuss self care.
It’s a pretty easy trap to fall into, particularly in today’s culture of Go, Go, GO!!! Many people get sucked into the “Captivity of Activity”, as Beth Moore said in one of her Bible studies. I knew that entering graduate school would mean that I was about to spend a few years being really busy. (That is a bit of an understatement.) It is impossible to balance your life when you are getting a masters with the requirements that mine demands, and I will admit that I don’t always do a good job with self care. I don’t think that I am the only one, though. I think that the expectations of society today pressure us to continually achieve and over-function. ”Activity” can even become an addiction pretty easily.

So today I wanted to discuss some ideas about self care and its importance. Those of us of the more codependent persuasion tend to take care of everyone BUT ourselves. This can lead to unwanted conditions such as burnout and resentment. Those who are more counter-dependent tend to be grandiose about self-care, and either indulge in it too much, letting others over-function for us, or neglect it completely because of our want to be seen as invincible.

Being chronically “stressed out” has an actual physiological effect on your brain structure. For one of my classes, we are reading a book called “Brain rules: 12 Principles for Surviving and Thriving at Work, Home and School” by J. Medina (2008). I actually would recommend this book to anyone, because it not only is really informative, it is an easy read. It’s not full of huge words that you’ll have to look up in the dictionary just to follow along (like I do when I’m reading complex research articles…ya.). It explains how our brains work and why, and it’s really interesting. Medina said that “Under chronic stress, adrenaline creates scars in your blood vessels that can cause heart attack or stroke, and cortisol damages the cells of the hippocampus, crippling your ability to learn and remember” (p. 194). So this self care issue is really important.
The first consideration for self care is to not over-extend ourselves. How do we do that? By saying “No”. Repeat after me…”No.” Sometimes that can be a really difficult thing to do, right? Codependents know exactly what I’m talking about. This is about having good boundaries, and a strong knowledge of our limitations. Brene Brown, who is known for her research on shame, authenticity, and vulnerability, shared a really good tip for helping yourself say “no” more easily. She said that what she does is spins a ring on her finger three times before answering a question about whether or not she can do something. ”Can you bring brownies for the bake sale?” Spin, spin, spin…”No”. She gives herself time to think BEFORE she answers, and gives herself permission to say “no” if it will cause her to become burned out, resentful, or otherwise over-extended. We need to have good boundaries and know our limitations. (To be introduced to Brene Brown, click here.)

The second consideration for self care is a self-awareness of what refreshes us. Extroverts, for example, need to be around people to rejuvenate themselves. Introverts need to be alone. Activities that refresh the soul are various and different for different people. Perhaps it’s reading a good book in your favorite chair. Maybe it’s taking a bubble bath in candlelight. Perhaps it’s going to the gym or other exercise. How about a massage or manicure? Google “self care” and get ideas. Try them out. Find what works for you.

I’m off to get in some self care. It’s even more important when you’re really busy, so I will practice what I preach. Happy relaxation!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Healthy Conflict

Dec 1, 2013 | abandonment, anxiety, Blog, codependency, counterdependency, fear, forgiveness, grace, making changes, respect, shame, Uncategorized

I know, right? What a yucky topic: conflict. You might be saying, “I don’t like conflict!” Not many people do. It’s just uncomfortable and many folks are straight-up conflict avoidant. Besides, how could conflict be healthy? Isn’t conflict bad, and aren’t we all supposed to want to achieve a state of no conflict? Well, truth is, there really is such a thing as healthy conflict, and that’s the topic for today. Ready to tackle this one? Here we go.

We all know that none of us are perfect. Narcissists especially, (and the rest of us most of the time too), would love to have you believe they are perfect, but it simply isn’t true. It is inevitable, then, that we are all going to get our feelings hurt from time to time, by our imperfect friends, coworkers, significant others, etc. It’s gonna happen. We’re going to hurt them sometimes, too, no matter how hard we try not to. We have a unique opportunity to gather information during this kind of event though, and can use the information to either perpetuate the hurt and further damage our relationship, or actually help our relationship. That’s right, I said that we can use the inevitable hurts in our relationships to make them better and stronger. This is achieved through the process of healthy conflict.

To demonstrate healthy conflict, I am going to take you through the process in a very typical scenario. I’m also going to point out along the way how each person has the opportunity to change hurtful, damaging conflict into healthy conflict. Let’s take a look at our example couple, John and Anna.

In the first step of healthy conflict, one person says “ouch.” This is a necessity in any healthy relationship. If there is going to be true intimacy and safety in a healthy relationship, each member must know that their feelings are important to the other person and will be heard, especially when those differences or imperfections jump up and bite us in the proverbial rear end. So we’ll begin with Anna, who softly and humbly says “ouch” to John: “John, that behavior you did really hurt my feelings.” John now has the opportunity to grow, learn, understand, and change. This is John’s first opportunity to encourage healthy conflict. He can say, “I want to understand your feelings, tell me more, your feelings are valid, I’m sorry, I will not do this behavior again,” and then John does everything in his power to never do it again. If John does receive this humbly, the conflict ends here. Increased safety in the relationship ensues, Anna feels heard and validated, and John grows. This is the healthiest scenario, both people have done their part. Wouldn’t that be nice? This is possible…however, it pretty rarely goes down that way, right?

It is, after all, extremely difficult and against our natural ego-filled, prideful state (especially for the shame-filled and counterdependent among us) to have the humility to say “I’m sorry” or “I screwed up.” That is paramount to admitting our worst fear: that the person we hurt will now think we really are the bad person we always believed down deep we were. So instead of humbly saying “I’m sorry”, we instead say “you need to change how you feel about this” or some other version of “this is your problem, not mine.” It is very minimizing of the other person’s feelings and completely valid world view, and usually comes out extremely defensive. This kind of response usually causes major damage to the relationship, and hurts the other person’s feelings and triggers their pain even further. They now will likely feel unheard, not understood, like the other person doesn’t care about their feelings, and abandoned. John has just missed his first chance to help heal the situation, and instead has potentially made it MUCH worse. Anna likely feels abandoned and withdraws love and acceptance, John fulfills his lying ‘self truth’ that he is “not worthy of being loved.”

So then what happens? Anna at this point has her first opportunity to have an effect on the dance they are doing. Now this is truly difficult because Anna has made herself vulnerable by saying “ouch”, and in response she has gotten an arrogant and minimizing response. Not exactly a safe situation. And now she is supposed to change her natural response? What is her natural response? It is going to be right in line with John’s worst fear of course…thinking he is a piece of crap and not worthy of being loved. Am I right? After all, John just treated Anna extremely poorly and pridefully…he IS a piece of crap, right? Anna feels justified in thinking as much. While it is true that John did just react with his issues and did not handle it well at all, there is another choice to be made here for Anna, too. Not gonna lie, it’s not easy and it’s going to take some extreme self-control and having your own issues settled down quite a bit. The name of this intervention is GRACE AND DIFFERENTIATION.

Not for the feint of heart, Anna will have to stare her fears of being abandoned and unheard square in the face in order to pull it off. And not only for a minute. She is going to have to hold this discomfort likely for some time, like days. What does this “grace and differentiation” intervention look like? I’m glad you asked. It is understanding John when he gets angry, knowing he has issues biting him in the rear and giving him grace because your issues bite you sometimes, too. Not taking it personally when he cuts off, (and if he is reactive like this, he will). Not chasing him down and insisting we talk about this right now, and letting it percolate, if necessary. (Read my blog about “The Myth of Urgency” here) Holding her ground that she is allowed to feel and think differently than he does, while allowing him to think and feel differently than she does. Now here’s the big one, folks….You Don’t Have To Agree. Oh, we get caught up on this, don’t we? The fear is that if the other person doesn’t agree with us, then they might not love us. It is enmeshed, it is relationally unsafe, and it is unrealistic! But we get caught in this power struggle hell all the time until we let go of the notion that the other person has to agree with us.

So Anna can keep herself safe, stay non-reactive, hold her own opinion about the situation, give John space to come back toward her or not (that’s the hard part where she has to risk and really feel her abandonment), and keep…oh, this one is hard…loving and accepting him for where he is. If John continues to act the same way time after time, every time Anna says “ouch”, their relationship will suffer tremendously and it will eventually end. And vice versa. If Anna were to react with the attitude of “get over it” every time John says “ouch”…same thing. Most people really don’t expect their partner to be perfect when it comes down to it, but they do need to see genuine sorrow at, and a turning away from, the behaviors that hurt them. They need their partners to have humility, and grow.

There is a major pitfall to avoid, and it needs to be addressed. Sometimes, people will take on too much and become a doormat. This is equally unbalanced with being too prideful. I am not suggesting this over-correction, or co-dependency. What I am suggesting is an acceptance by both people that they each have a different view, both are valid, and they don’t have to agree. They do, however, have to learn where their partner’s pains are and be sensitive to them, if they want their partner to stay in relationship with them. If we play that out, it looks like this: John says “I understand this behavior hurts you, but I’m going to keep doing it anyway because in my world view, I’m right.” and Anna will go on her way, eventually. She does not agree that the behavior is OK with her, and she doesn’t have to agree. Is the behavior in question a deal breaker for either person? Then they will likely not have a relationship for long. That’s OK, and they can each go on their way agreeing that neither is going to change.

The alternative is that John, in this case, says “I understand that this hurts you, how can we do this differently, with me understanding your pain, and you understanding what I need, too?” Now there is a mutual humility. All of you Anna’s out there, wouldn’t you respond favorably to THAT? Anna agrees. That is a safe relationship. Anna can realize John’s reasons for his behavior and any fears that may drive it so as to not take his behavior personally, and John can work on becoming softer and more careful with Anna’s feelings. John grows in sensitivity, and Anna grows in grace. Now the relationship is doing it’s job: refining them both.

If your partner can’t quite do the humility thing, yet, you can change the dynamic anyway. And if they refuse to find some humility, you can have the strength to eventually locate the door to the relationship as well. If you are the one that can’t do the humility thing yet, I pray that you can soon. All of your relationships will suffer and ultimately likely end if you cannot find some. Humility is the life blood of good relationships. If you want to be able to pull off the grace and differentiation intervention, you are going to need help getting your own issues under control. I can help you with that. Email me at neisenmanftca@gmail.com Let’s get started.

Thanks for reading!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Confident Humility

Mar 17, 2013 | Blog, boundaries, codependency, counterdependency, grace, inner voice, respect, self-care, shame, Uncategorized

Sounds like an oxymoron, doesn’t it? How can confidence and humility live together in the same phrase? That is exactly what I want to discuss today. Make yourself a cup of your favorite beverage and let’s tackle this unusual, seemingly oppositional idea.

I want to start by breaking this down into two halves. Let’s start with “Confident”. What does it mean to have confidence? I think we can begin by describing the difference between confidence and arrogance. There is a huge difference, although many folks use these terms interchangeably. To me, confidence doesn’t have anything at all to do with being arrogant. Arrogance is ego. Arrogance is the attitude that “I’m all that and a bag of chips, and my you-know-what doesn’t stink.” Confidence is believing in yourself and your abilities, but more importantly, in your worthiness to be loved. Arrogance and ego cannot exist in the presence of humility. Confidence can. Arrogance is about pride, and humility is the opposite of pride. Confidence is a belief that I can be the recipient of grace. I can attain the radical acceptance of my worthiness of being loved not because of what I’ve done, but because I am.

What if we explain “worthiness of being loved” like this: think about a baby who has just been born. Are they perfectly lovable? Yes. Why? They haven’t done anything good or bad. They just are. They are lovable because they are…they haven’t earned love or worthiness. Yet we love them so very much. The fact that we are worthy of love does not change with our age or falterings. We are still completely lovable because we are. We can have confidence in this fact. I have come to find, and I know this feeling personally, that people who have grown up with shame have a deep belief that they are not good enough. When did we start to believe this lie? Usually when we’re kids and we, quite arrogantly, take absolutely everything personally. Then we take that belief into adulthood. But is that really true…are we really not good enough to be loved? We are not perfect, that is true. I would like to suggest that we can be both imperfect and perfectly lovable simultaneously. This is the heart of Confident Humility.

Having the confidence that we are worthy of being loved will sometimes feel like arrogance, but it is not if your heart is in the right place. It is believing a truth about ourselves as a human being. If you have spent your life as a “shame-ite” as I lovingly refer to them, (and myself, too!), you have spent your life having forgotten the truth that you are lovable simply because you are. THAT is actually arrogant. Shame is arrogant. It insinuates a self-importance that is prideful. Confidence that you are lovable, not because of anything you have done, is receiving grace. You cannot earn grace, then it is no longer grace by definition. Now, here comes the biggie…when you have the confidence that you are lovable because you are, and you have it all by yourself, you do not need it from anyone else. You don’t have to trade to get it from anyone. You don’t need anyone to tell you that you are good enough. You don’t have to earn acceptance from anyone. When you can do this, you become relationally safe. Non-manipulative. No trades. No codependency. No over-neediness. You can let others be and do exactly what they choose without trying to change or manipulate them into giving you acceptance. You give it to yourself by believing the truth of your lovability.

Now let’s move onto the “Humility” piece. Now that I know that I am completely lovable because I just am, as a human being, how do I not only protect from having that grow into ego, pride, and arrogance, but also simultaneously acknowledge the fact that I am not perfect? Humility. Here’s what it looks like when you put it all together: ”I know that I am lovable for no other reason than I am, but I acknowledge that I am SO not perfect, and I WILL hurt the people I love. It is inevitable. I cannot be perfect. When I hurt you, I want you to tell me, because you will be helping me grow in the places where I am weakest, you are teaching me to be careful with your feelings, you are connecting with me by telling me what it is like to be you, and I want all of those things. I never want to hurt you, so when I do, tell me so I can learn, grow, and change.” This takes a tremendous amount of courage, because we have to admit our shadow side and our shortcomings to hear someone say “ouch” to us.

Humility must be balanced as well, same as confidence. I do not want to become a feather at the mercy of the wind, or a boat at the mercy of pounding waves. I am not going to blindly accept every criticism of me that I hear as the gospel truth, either. I am going to run it through my own truth about myself, and see if I can find truth in your point of view. If I can look at myself humbly and see that you have a good point, I am going to integrate your feedback. If you tell me something that is just not a part of how I see myself, I can still acknowledge your opinion as valid, even if I don’t agree. You can still have a different opinion of me, and we may have to agree to disagree about things sometimes, but I can always connect with you and accept your truth for what it is…your truth. I can be sensitive to that, and understand you without having to believe and change everything about me to be who you think I should be. This is where it is so very important to “temet nosce” or “know thyself.”

So, to wrap this up, there is a balance to be had here. Confidence that I am completely lovable for no reason other than I am a human being. Humility to know that I am not perfect and never will be, and I will hurt the ones I am closest to from time to time. When I do, I can apologize and grow, instead of becoming wounded that they do not see me as good enough. I already know I am. My confidence gives me the strength to be humble. Isn’t that something? It also makes me safe for others to be exactly who they are and not who I need them to be to feel OK. Working on this in yourself will send ripples of change through every relationship you have, and draw others toward you.

That’s what I have for you today. I wish you the confidence to know that you are loved, and the humility to realize you can be hurtful, and they both occur at the same time. A difficult concept to grasp, let alone integrate. Wow, is it worth the effort, though. You and your relationships will never be the same because of it.

Nancy Eisenman, MSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

What Is It Like To Be You?

Jul 9, 2011 | Blog, counterdependency, cut-off, forgiveness, grace, respect, Uncategorized

I recently finished my second theory class as part of my Masters degree schooling. One of the theories studied was termed “symbolic interactionism”. The online Webster’s Dictionary describes it like this: “a theory that human interaction and communication is facilitated by words, gestures, and other symbols that have acquired conventionalized meanings.” In other words, we learn what words and ideas mean based on our environment and upbringing. An important thing to realize, then, is that I may have a different definition for a word or idea, etc., than you have, since our experiences have been different. It is important to be aware of that when working with clients or interacting with others, so that when we communicate, we are on the same page.

This is not a difficult concept to grasp. Misunderstandings occur with everyone, pretty much all the time. I was talking with a male client a few weeks ago about this very thing. We were discussing the subject of “flirting.” My definition of flirting is simply a social interaction that makes both people feel good, showing someone that I like them, or that I am enjoying their company and/or being friendly toward them, etc. Webster’s online describes it as ”acting amorously without serious intentions.” For my client, flirting is actively trying to pursue someone romantically or sexually. When I suggested that the lady he was interacting with probably thought of his kindness as “flirting”, he insisted that he was not, that he was only being kind. I did not question his motivation, we simply had a different definition of the word “flirt.”

We cleared up the misunderstanding quickly. I realized that his feeling that his intentions were misunderstood made him feel judged, which was totally NOT what I was going for! I remembered the dialogue process, and concentrated on learning about his “truths.” It reminded me that it is necessary to be careful in how I communicate and remember that others may hear the same word but have a different definition. I continually ask the question in my head…”what is it like to be you?” THAT is connection. In Imago theory, Harville Hendrix states that “the most important thing is how you experience me experiencing you.” I need to make sure that I am showing you that, even if we disagree, that you are important, worthwhile, smart, valid….. Then we will have connection, even if it’s in conflict.

One of my mentors at Family Tree Counseling, Jerry Wise, says it like this…”You can say almost anything at all to anyone, and they will hear it, if you are moving toward them when you say it.” Moving toward someone looks like this connection, learning what it’s like to be them, seeing them in a positive way, being curious about their world truths. If you hear the other person and want to know what it’s like to be them, they will be inclined to return the favor!

Something to keep in mind the next time you think your communication with someone is not going very well. Stop trying to tell them what you think, and listen to what they think. If they feel like you’ve heard them, they may just be curious about what you think too, and reciprocate. Then you will be heard too! That’s connection and true dialogical communication.

Thank you so much for stopping by. You’ve shown that you want to know what I think by stopping by and reading my blog. I am more than happy to reciprocate. Feel free to tell me what you think, too! Leave me a comment and tell me what your truth is. You are also welcome to email me at nancy@healingheartsofindy.com . Hope you’re having a great summer!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

“Bad It!”

May 5, 2011 | Blog, counterdependency, grace, respect, Uncategorized

I’m thoroughly enjoying a much needed vacation this week! I do enjoy blogging very much, but haven’t had as much time as I’d like to do it lately, with the end of the spring semester and all. I ended up passing both of my classes with flying colors, though, another semester closer to done!

I want to keep it little bit light-hearted today, in honor of my time off, so I want to tell you a funny story. You know I’ve been talking lately about objectification, about “I-it” and “I-thou”. I-it relationships are where we value others based on what they can do for us…they are objects in our lives whose sole purpose is to benefit us. I-thou relationships value the other person’s feelings, world views, experiences, and love them for who they are, not what they can give us.

I was explaining this very concept lately to someone, and it turned into quite a good chuckle. I was pointing out how she many times values people for what they can give her, and she said “No, I really don’t, Nancy…well, except for my ex-husband, my ex-boyfriend, and my dad…and….” I said “OK, so you only objectify those who are closest to you then?” We laughed. Then she said, “But they are ‘BAD ITS’!!!!” I nearly lost it. That’s probably going to end up on the list of 10 funniest thing I’ve ever heard!

We did certainly have a good laugh over it. In fact, here on my vacation with my mom and sisters, whenever we see ourselves or someone else objectifying someone, we’ve been saying “Baaad It!” It’s been the running joke the whole trip! It’s really helpful, however, to realize how much we do objectify others, develop a keen awareness to it, and to instead choose to love them for who they are, not what they can give us. If you find yourself being critical, judgemental, harsh, victimy, or otherwise +/- (I’m OK, but you’re a piece of crap) with someone…remember to stop yourself from saying “Bad It”, and instead love them for who they are and how important they are in your life. It makes all the difference not only in them, but inside you, too!

Back to my vacation!!!! See you back here again soon.

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.

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Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com