I have had the same word coming up over and over in my mind, crossing my path in several different situations and contexts, for the past few months. For whatever reason, it’s just been a glaring theme that keeps popping into my head. To me, that says it’s time for a blog! Read on with caution, though, because I’m about to share with you a sort of new potential “swear word.” Have you ever heard of the potentially dastardly and dangerous “E” word? (And no, I’m not talking about an electronic word!)

What word is that? It’s a happiness and contentment killer. It’s a mindset that encourages us to be judgemental. It’s a relationship trap. It describes a potentially damaging state of mind called “Expectation.” We can have directionally positive or negative expectations, and both can be bad news. An example of a negative expectation would be a prejudice. A prejudice really is an expectation of someone to act or behave a certain way based on how they look, etc. An example of what could be called an (overly) positive expectation would be thinking, “I should have gotten 3 times this much from you for my birthday!”

All of us have expectations. At times, they can keep us safe. We expect that if we jump in a lake full of hungry alligators that we just might be killed and eaten by an alligator! It’s how we learn and how we can anticipate what might happen next in any given situation. We go to school with the expectation that someone will be there to teach us something. Our expectations are based on our experiences, both in childhood and with people we are in relationships with for any length of time throughout our lives. We develop expectations for people in general, (civilizations, groups, and random individuals) and for specific people with whom we are in a closer relationship.

Expectations can be so very dangerous, however, if they are not vigilantly monitored, tended to, and kept at a reasonable level. They can so quickly, and sometimes stealthily, become unreasonable and cause us to become manipulative, controlling, or even hateful. They can become joy-thieves. I’ll give you just a few examples of where the pitfalls can be:

1. Be especially careful on what I call “Days of Love”. These would include Valentine’s Day, Mother’s and Father’s Day, birthdays, CHRISTmas, etc. On days where the world or customs tell us it is time to show our loved ones how much we care, we can fall into a trap of expectation. Consider the pain inflicted on the giver when a gift or gesture is deemed “not good enough.” It is shaming, critical, and it is an attempt to control, or I like to say “yank” love out of someone; perhaps more than they are willing or inclined to give. (When a child deems a gift to be not good enough, they may be called a “spoiled brat.” I know many-a spoiled brat adult, and their continued inflated expectations, although sometimes more subtle, do NOT get easier to stomach with age!) Try to accept and remember this: You will never get true, heartfelt love by trying to yank it out of your sweet one, or by having the attitude that what they have done is not good enough. Instead, love without expectation of what you will get in return. Receive even small gifts as what they are…acts of genuine love.
2. Watch for e-word dangers at work. There can be too high expectations placed on bosses, coworkers, or employees that can cause all sorts of problems ranging from burnout to back-biting, making for a very unpleasant and unproductive work environment.
3. Be careful what you expect from your kids. Remember to consider their age and emotional maturity before confronting them on unmet expectations. This can be SO damaging to them, causing shame issues, insecurities, abandonment, and more.

Now, no more swearing! Keep expectations on a tight leash. Give the love you want instead of yanking or criticizing what you get. That’s how to prepare the feast that you really yearn to dine on…genuine abundant love and joy!

That’s it for today! Thanks for stopping by.

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.

©2010, Nancy Eisenman

As I said before, there are many books covering the subject of codependency with a spouse or in other relationships. What if we took that a step further? What if someone is being codependent with something inanimate? Let me give you an example of a guy, we’ll call him Joe. What if Joe goes to work every day and comes home feeling unfulfilled, drained, and mentally exhausted? Joe is giving his all at work, and when he gets home there is nothing left for his wife and kids…or even if Joe’s not married, he doesn’t have enough for himself left at the end of the day. He’s giving too much. What is his payoff? You may say, “well, duh, the payoff is his paycheck.” Certainly that is something that is necessary. But why is Joe trading his long-term, life peace for a career that drains him? Is it really just money? Is HDTV really worth dreading his life’s work? In the case of workaholics, it goes even further…is it worth losing a marriage and having his kids grow up not knowing him? My bet is that Joe has some pretty huge fears going on. These fears are nothing to sneeze at, they are deep-seated and are rooted in childhood. (That’s a whole ‘nother subject, maybe another blog!) Let’s take a look at this situation another way though, through our current lens of codependency, and see what happens.

Joe is really giving to something that doesn’t meet enough of his needs in return. Maybe it’s meeting his needs for money, he may even believe in what he does; but it leaves him completely unbalanced in the rest of his life. That makes it unhealthy. When something drains a person like that and they continue doing it, they have become codependent with it. He has actually become a slave to it. Joe may say things like “I hate my job,” and he actually subconsciously “blames” work for taking too much and not meeting his other needs, for not praising him enough, for not giving back as much as he gives to it, or for not paying him enough. Now doesn’t that sound a lot like the codependency we’ve been talking about? Joe signed on for a certain job, amount of hours, type of work; and then he hates the job for taking too much. He gets fed up, angry, etc. and perhaps changes jobs…and then more than likely ends up in another job he doesn’t enjoy and does it all over again. Why? Because he’s only changed jobs, not the way he interacts with work, or the fears deep within himself.

It’s just like finding a new relationship, and reverting back to the same codependent ways. But really, if you’re like Joe…how can you blame an inanimate thing like your job for draining you? Your job doesn’t have behaviors or attitudes toward you. It just is. You may not even realize you are doing it, but look closely. Just as in relationships with people, you have a choice who you call friend, and how you interact with them (your attitude). And also just like with people, changing YOU can make all the difference in your relationship with your job, even if the job doesn’t change. You can change what you do, say, and think, change your boundaries with it, and doing so can completely change your relationship with anything, even work.

So what to do? You can leave your job and get another, and that very well could be the best thing and should be considered. If you are in a job that you know you would love if things/people/circumstances there were different, consider instead changing YOU and your attitude and becoming more interdependent with the job you have. The first thing you need to do is recognize and face your fears. One of the counselors in our practice, Jerry Wise, says that for codependents with this kind of deep-seated fear, “a known unhealthy thing is still far less scary than an unknown good thing.” It takes courage to consider and implement a changed lifestyle and attitude, venturing into the unknown. It takes courage to be there for yourself and make choices that can have consequences out of our comfort zones. It takes courage to have a voice and stand up for our needs, and to have good boundaries.

It’s very difficult and awkward to look inward and stand up and have a voice with “job”, (it doesn’t even have ears!), but stick with me. (By the way, I would insert here that I am not talking about having a voice with your employer. You certainly can do that if it is needed, but what I’m talking about is having a voice with yourself, and your own attitude regarding your job.) So the first question to ask yourself is this: “What are my needs from my job?” Of course we all work to make money and pay bills. It is necessity of life, after all. But ask yourself if you are expecting too much from your work. Are you really counterdependent underneath? Looking to your job to meet needs that it can’t? Looking toward your job to give you pats on the back and thanked, and so you can feel as if doing your job makes you a well-thought-of, worthwhile person? Are you only doing your job because that is what is expected of you, and you need the “attaboys”? Are you doing your job because making lots of money is what is expected of you?

So what does a changed attitude with your job, or any other inanimate object for that matter, look like? First, get your expectations down to realistic levels. Voice to yourself or write down, “this is what I can expect from my job, this is what I can’t.” Say in your own mind, “I need ‘this’ to have my needs met with work.” Then determine if your current job is doing that for you. If you need your work to make you feel worthwhile, you really are barking up the wrong tree. You need to feel worthwhile on the inside regardless of your work. If people at work, or the work itself (as can be the case with those who work in service of people daily) is draining, you are giving what you don’t have. In that case you need better self-care and better boundaries. If you want your work to give you pats on the back and you’re not getting that need met, the problem is a hole in your heart, not a problem with your job. If you’re doing your job because making a lot of money is what is expected of you, look at what is really realistic to meet the needs of this life and if you are making enough money for that, then you are being responsible enough. Any excess of that is overcompensation for pain in your heart.

I’m speaking of an entirely different outlook, and it takes courage to look at it, and even more to implement it. I think if you get to a place where you are healthier and more interdependent in all of your relationships, you can be happy no matter what you are doing. By all means, go after your dreams and don’t settle; but until you can realize them, see everything as a blessing, a chance to learn, a stepping stone on your journey, a part of your path. Give for the wrong reason, and you will be drained and depleted. Take care of yourself, don’t abandon your own needs, have a good, strong, healthy voice, and you will then have a well-spring of giving and loving to share, without the draining or counterdependent backlash. You can do this without being selfish. Use moderation. By learning to take from others (not too much but just enough), by learning to give and developing a joy for it, by learning to rest and take care of yourself without being lazy, and to be content with what you have.

Whew. Ready to move on to something else? Maybe someday we’ll do some more on this subject, but for now…Let’s roll.

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.

©2010, Nancy Eisenman

So we left off talking about how many codependents actually expect a trade instead of truly giving. I wanted to expound on that a little bit. You know, when a codependent person interacts with people in this way, expecting others to meet their needs in trade without asking them, it really is a form of manipulation. That’s a pretty harsh word, but that’s really what it is. Think about it, they’re doing something nice for someone so they’ll unwittingly give them what they need back. And if/when the person doesn’t meet their needs, or give-in to their manipulation, they get bitter.

Codependents are almost inevitably very bitter people if they are over the age of about 30-35, having lived for years giving (manipulating) with little or nothing in return. They are basically holding a grudge because people have not given in, read their minds, and have had good boundaries! In couples relationships, many times codependents give up, go “Coke-bottle” a few times too many, cut-off from their spouse sexually or otherwise, go to counseling or a lawyer, and end up not being able to get over their perceived betrayal of their mate who’s not meeting their needs. These folks feel as though they’ve been victimized. If you find yourself feeling as though this is describing you…let’s just give this mentality a good yank right now. You have NOT been victimized. You have been a willing participant in allowing what your life has been like, not leaving sooner, choosing your mate, and saying “I do.” Those that do not inwardly digest this truth will more than likely end up divorced, and move on to another relationship where the same pattern will begin again.

I wanted to cover another idea in this post as well. Not all giving is selfish or manipulative. I am not talking about healthy giving behavior. I’m talking about codependence. You might ask, “How can I tell the difference? If I am thinking I’m selfless and good and others are benefitting etc., does that automatically mean I’m really a selfish codependent underneath?” That is a resounding NO. This may sound simplistic, but the difference really is in the attitude. Give yourself a little litmus test by asking yourself a few questions:

• “How do I feel during and after my ‘service’ to others? Do I feel angry? Resentful? Fulfilled?”

• “Did I expect a ‘thank you’ that I didn’t receive?”

• “Do I really have the time or inclination to do this?”

• “When I was asked to do this, did I want to say ‘no’?”

• “If I wasn’t asked to do this, and I’m not enjoying it, why is that?”

Think about if you are giving out of the joy and excess love in your heart, or if you are giving because you want something in return. Anything at all: praise, thanks, for the other person to give you what you need back, or to be appreciated. Or are you doing it because you enjoy whatever you are doing for your family, friends, church, coworkers, etc.

The second insight that really helped me can be paraphrased by a comment I made on another blog on this very topic.  This is what I wrote:

“I think it’s very difficult to reconcile wanting to be selfless, and…our true, healthy neediness. As a CHRISTian, I’ve lived my life as other-focused and giving and selflessly as I could. Then I learned through counseling that I needed to have good boundaries and stand up for myself and my own needs. Reconciling the two outlooks that seemed so opposite each other was SO difficult! On the one hand, I didn’t get what I needed and felt empty, and on the other hand I was being selfish and was not being a good CHRISTian. Catch 22!  Standing up for my own needs felt selfish, at first for sure. As I have gotten more emotionally healthy though, I have realized that it’s really a kind of paradox: taking care of me, and not abandoning myself or my own needs, allows me to then turn around and truly, selflessly, and almost tirelessly have a joyful well-spring of love for others. And instead of draining me, caring for others really energizes me. But it was hard for me to understand/realize that it would be that way, particularly early in recovery.”

That’s a lot more to digest, so I’ll leave it there for now. Check back in a day or two, if you can stomach it…I’ve got more!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.

©2010, Nancy Eisenman