When Problem Solving Doesn’t Solve The Problem

Mar 19, 2025 | codependency, counterdependency, cut-off, divorce, forgiveness, grace, Marriage Issues, Nancy Eisenman, pain, Relationships, respect

There are consistently couples sitting on my couch that are stuck in the same trap: trying to solve communication problems with problem solving strategies of all kinds. These might be the next best self help book designed to give you (however-many) “steps to better communication with your partner”, something that could be heard on the latest podcast, or the next up-and-coming TikTok content producer. While these little nuggets of information, tools to make life better, have their place in terms of helping couples communicate better, they really don’t get to the heart of the matter.

I was working with a couple recently that was having, of course, communication problems….because every couple I see says that that’s what they have. I have never actually had a client, however, that couldn’t communicate with me, including people that speak English as a second language. Odd right? Why can we communicate just fine with a veritable stranger, but not with our partners, who we have known for quite some time?

The answer lies in the different languages that partners speak without knowing that’s what they’re doing. Because of the very nature of attraction, opposites will attract in terms of relational languages spoken too. The two relational languages are Logic and Feelings. Even if you would consider yourself a mixture of the two, your partner will by nature speak the opposite language from you on any given subject. For example, I make speak logic about money and feelings about family, which means the person I would be attracted to would speak feelings about money and logic about family. They are VERY different languages, and we don’t know we’re not speaking the same one.

In this case, the guy was predominantly logical and his wife mostly a feeler. The guy expressed his frustration at the wife talking about taking a vacation, even though the financial situation didn’t support that possibility. The logic man believed he was being presented with a problem to be solved, and felt disrespected that his wife didn’t see the obvious reality that the money for the vacation she was talking about wasn’t there. He responded to her by explaining, once again, why they couldn’t vacation. Meanwhile, the feelings woman was feeling unheard, misunderstood, and unloved; not because they couldn’t go on vacation, or that there wasn’t enough money, but because she longed for time spent with her husband and was missing him.

These kinds of misunderstandings happen daily with logic and feelings speakers, continuing the process of paper cut (or even stab wound) after paper cut, undermining the feelings of love and respect in the relationship. If you have this going on in your love relationship, it is not something that heals itself. Learning to speak and listen in your partners language as well as your own, and hopefully your partner doing the same, is the key to getting out of these so-called “communication issues.” Becoming bilingual is at the heart of stopping the constant hurts that happen with your partner. We can help. Book an appointment today…don’t wait anymore!

Seriously…how can I not be so serious?

Aug 4, 2020 | cut-off, Kristen, self-care, Uncategorized

I have been hearing a lot lately about not being serious 24/7. This is something I can struggle with in my life, especially right now, during this pandemic. I am so grateful for my kiddos who help me to remember to have fun. Playing and not being serious helps me remember to have fun in my life. It’s a reminder that life isn’t just work at the office, work from home, clean the house, help the kids, spend time with your spouse, etc. I love taking some moments and coloring with my kiddos, riding my bike (that I’ve had since I was 12—yeah, I am still a shorty!) with them, or playing cars on the living room floor, or chasing the kids around in the yard playing Tag. It is a way for me to be able to play too.

However, during this time, being something other than serious can be difficult, ya know, because there aren’t as many places to go and do fun things. We can’t necessarily hang out whenever, wherever, we want to right now. We can also get stuck in work mode because we are working from home, or we are helping kids with figuring out what to do about the upcoming school year, or we are trying to keep our home clean because the house is being lived in 24/7…..there are lots and lots of reasons to not play right now. This is something I have seen even among my colleagues where being in quarantine is exhausting because we can become stuck in work mode. There is a difference for most of us right now trying to find some of that balance in whatever way we can.

It is important for us to attempt to find some balance between the two; work and play. I keep thinking about the proverb, “all work and no play” (Howell, 1659). Which also makes me think about a podcast I heard recently by Rick Warren (2020) where he talked about how more breaks, not longer, breaks help us during the day. We here in the US want to take an hour-long break for lunch, and that’s it, but our creativity and productivity actually increase if we do several 5 to 10 minute breaks throughout the day rather than one long break. This makes sense for us right now, if we are struggling to play because we are working from home and we aren’t taking those coffee breaks with colleagues, or chatting about other things when we stop into someone’s office to ask a question, and our house is in the background with dishes calling our name. We aren’t having downtime when we drive home too to release work tension. This can lead us to feeling those bored/unproductive/lazy/dull/”I just don’t wanna” feelings

What would it be like for us to find some time to play, even if it is at home with our kids, our spouses, ourselves? Find some time to do those things that you love. The things that fill you up and give you the energy to get back to it when it is time to be productive, whether that’s at home, from home, or after work. I love unwinding by walking around our neighborhood, coloring, praying, meditating, playing video games, or playing bored games with my family to name a few things. What are some ways you enjoy not being so serious 24/7?

Reference:

Howell, James. (1659). Proverbs in English, Italian, French and Spanish (1659). Retrieved from: https://www.myenglishpages.com/site_php_files/random-idiom.php?c=767

Warren, Pastor Rick. (2020). A Faith that Leads to Emotional Health: Part 3. Retrieved from: https://pastorrick.com/listen-online/a-faith-that-leads-to-emotional-health-part-3/.

What Does Grief Look Like?

Jan 16, 2019 | abandonment, Blog, cut-off, grief, Kristen, self-care, Uncategorized

Before I begin my blog post, I want you to know I am okay, I have fantastic support, and I have been ready for this moment, and I am at peace so do not feel sorry for me because I truly am okay. Now, some of you may know, I recently lost my mom to cancer this year. Yes, this year; 6 days in. It was a crazy but calm, up and down, and long but short, ride. I bring this topic up because I want you to know; I know grief, and let’s be real: it sucks.

Now what I want to talk about is what does grief look like? It looks like someone quietly holding their loved one’s hand fighting back tears, it looks like someone bawling loudly regardless of where they are, it looks like someone snapping at a loved one, or snapping at anyone who asks a question. It looks like a group of people huddled around sharing about the good times the bad times and all the times in between. It looks like someone wanting a quiet moment only for themselves. It looks like a group of people in the same room not saying a word. It looks like tears, it looks like hugs, it looks like pushing people away, it looks like relief that this journey is over. Maybe it even looks like..joy? A smile pasted on so the world doesn’t see the hurt underneath. It looks like prayer, meditation, confusion, shock and awe all at once. Basically, all of this to say that whatever you feel in your moment of grief however long or brief it may be; it is normal. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Each individual person will grieve in his or her own way. So, please understand that just because someone isn’t grieving like you, doesn’t mean they aren’t grieving. It simply means each of you are grieving in the way that is unique to you. There will be shock, there will be numbness, there will be things that need to get done that you don’t really want to do. So, take moments for you to grieve, what ever that means for you.

One way to help through grief is knowing and doing some self-care, but sometimes that can go out the window because let’s be real, life can be messy and dealing with loss of a loved one and other family members can be rough when everyone’s emotions are spiraling. One way to help is to c create space where you can allow yourself to have your feelings around grief because having them and not judging them (regardless of what they are, even if they seem weird and off the wall) is going to help tremendously. And it might seem counter-intuitive to some, but sometimes sharing what you are thinking, or feeling (depending on what it is) can be something everyone is thinking or feeling at some point in time. This helps because it lets us know we are not alone in grief and that others understand. And you don’t have to go through grief alone, find a friend, find a support group, find a counselor you can trust, who won’t judge you for feeling angry that your loved one left you, or angry at yourself because you missed an opportunity to be with your loved one.

Find someone to talk with, someone who can simply sit with you in silence (it’s a lot harder than people think, but sometimes that is what we need the most in our moments of grief-space together). What do I mean by space together, sitting with someone in silence, allowing them to share, if and when, they want to without offering advice, or platitudes that even we don’t really believe. Simply sit and listen, you would be amazed at what you can learn about others and ourselves. There are so many other ways of self-care, so even if what I have talked about isn’t what works for you, that’s okay. Do what works for you. One book I might suggest is Tear Soup: A Recipe for Healing After Loss by Chuck DeKlyen and Pat Schwiebert if you want more resources (and yes it looks like a children’s book, but it is not).

Thank you for reading!

The Secret Garden

Jun 8, 2014 | abandonment, anxiety, Blog, boundaries, codependency, counterdependency, cut-off, enmeshment, fear, inner voice, making changes, Uncategorized

It feels so good to be blogging again! I have brewed myself a cup of Wild Mountain Blueberry coffee and I’m curled up with my iPad, a blanket, and a kitty laying by me…ready to indulge in something I have been away from for far too long…writing about my passion!

Today I want to talk about the garden of the heart. ”The secret garden” has been heralded in literature, poetry, and song. I love the mental picture of having a beautiful garden in my heart. One of my favorite quick prayers that I breathe when I am feeling strong emotions is “Dear God, please tend to the garden of my emotions.” There is an inherent calm and rest conjured by the image of a lovely garden, particularly with God as the Master Gardener. It helps me remember the beauty that is possible inside of every person. There is a secret garden inside of you, too.

I think this imagery is also a wonderfully analogous way of viewing all kinds of things going on inside of our feelings/heart. Is your garden well pruned, healthy, and thriving; or is it in need of care and a good weeding? Have you spent time on the landscaping, or does it grow wild with any manner of flower or thistle? Do the plants produce wonderful fruit for you and others, or do you emotionally and spiritually go hungry? Do you visit there often, or try to ignore it? Is it growing and alive, or dying and barren?
Maybe you’ve given away portions of your land in the name of acceptance from others. If you have, you can feel it. It feels like not having room to breathe and relax because you have so much to do for everyone around you. Each person is healthily entitled to their own relational space. Many times people will give up portions of who they are and the space they need to exist so that others will believe they are a good person, for example. This is one of the main characteristics of relational enmeshment. The easiest definition of enmeshment is “I’m OK if you think I’m OK.” Now we’re enmeshed…my feelings of peace on the inside are now dependent on you and what you think of me. I’ve just given away some of my power, or my garden, for your cooperation in treating me like I matter and that I’m good. This is co-dependency.

On the flip side of the coin, there is emotional distancing or cutoff. Those who fear enmeshment back away from would-be “enmeshers”. They take pieces of others’ gardens to give themselves enough space to feel safe. If you have taken others’ land, you can feel it, too. It feels like constantly monitoring and managing the feelings and perceptions of others. It offers the illusion of control against the attempted enmeshment of others. Folks that operate this way take on the real estate of anyone who will give it up, and many-times will withhold love and acceptance to get more. This is counter-dependency.

Neither one of these gardening methods are “worse” than the other. They are both equally unbalanced. One is based on a fear of abandonment (“Take my power, strength, self, whatever…anything but leaving me!”), and the other is based on a fear of shame (“Stay back, because if you get to close to me, you will find out how unlovable I really am.”). If you take each one a step deeper, they mirror each other. If someone leaves me, I must be unlovable; and if I’m unlovable, of course they will leave me. This fear in our hearts is the driving force for all manner of controlling and manipulative behaviors that make us emotionally unsafe for one another. Both sides are controlling and manipulative…equally unbalanced, equally reactive. (For more on this, read another one of my blogs: “Two Sides Of The Same Coin”). This fear is represented in our gardens as weeds. The fear, like a weed in a garden, has to be destroyed in order for peace to flourish.
When this peace does flourish in our hearts, we begin to interact with others differently. We no longer seek the acceptance of others by giving up pieces of our land. We no longer try to get more space than we are relationally entitled to, to feel safe. We stop the constant dance of reactivity to closeness and distance, trading who we are for the acceptance of others. We learn how to hold still while being able to move with others compassionately. We become relationally safe, opening ourselves up to true and deep intimacy. We learn…inner peace. Our garden grows beautiful flowers and fruit, and the weeds shrivel and die.

If you would like to learn how to walk the path to your secret garden, and tend to the plants living there, come on in. Let’s get started! There is no time like the present, and no one else can or will do it for you. When it’s time to get your hands dirty and start pulling some weeds, learn how to give land back to people you’ve taken it from, or re-acquire the land you’ve given away…give me a call, I’ll be happy to help you. Thanks for reading!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Anger = “Ouch”

Apr 21, 2013 | Blog, cut-off, fear, forgiveness, making changes, Uncategorized

It’s probably no surprise that the number one reason people give for picking up the phone and calling for a therapy appointment is “We just can’t communicate.” Even if the reason is something else: infidelity, addiction, anxiety, or relationship issues with friends and family, most folks will trace the problem back and identify it as beginning with a lack of communication. That’s exactly the topic I want to address today.

I have come to find that pretty much everyone that walks into our office is actually quite eloquent in communicating. Go figure! They are able to state how they feel or what they think with relative ease most of the time. So why then these overwhelming reports of people who lack this ability? I think the problem is less about the ability, or lack thereof, in communicating and more a problem of listening non-reactively and translating.

We are all the walking wounded. We were hurt, and didn’t get enough love, affection, attention, and/or gentle nurturing as kids. Little kids are voraciously needy creatures, and no two parents can give enough, and perfectly, to allow their kids to emerge into adulthood unscathed. Just doesn’t happen. It’s not about bad-mouthing parents. We all do the best we can with what we’ve got, and parents are walking wounded from their own childhoods. Everyone gets wounded. So since we are wounded, we all have ouchies in our hearts that get poked from time to time, and we will invariably choose to be in a relationship with someone who is uniquely suited to hurt us and NOT meet our needs. That’s the law of attraction, backwards as it is. So we live with those who hurt us most. When something hurts, we react. Anger. We have to protect ourselves. That’s not so hard to understand.

Not so surprisingly then, we think that people mean exactly what they say when they’re angry. Not so much. We actually want our partners, friends, and family to read between the lines and know how we feel underneath our words. The angry teenager inside us that comes out to protect our wounds says mean and hurtful things to get the other person to back away from our wounds. We all do it, until we learn that we are doing it, and then we get better but STILL do it sometimes. It OK, no shame in admitting it. We speak out of defensiveness, and then wonder why our loved ones can’t hear the real problem and understand how we feel. ”He just doesn’t listen.” ”She can’t hear me.” Nevermind that when we speak in this defensive way, we are hurting the other person in THEIR worst wound, causing their defensiveness to be stirred. Now we’re doing our dance of anger.

I want to suggest an alternative course of action, a different translation if you will, when you hear your partner become angry or defensive. What if you began to learn to hear what they are really saying underneath? When your partner gets angry, what if you translate that in your head to “My partner is saying ‘ouch’.” Isn’t that what they are really saying? Look at it closely. For example, Mary angrily says, ”Bob, you didn’t pick up your socks for the 26th day in a row!” What she is really saying is, “I feel like you you don’t appreciate the hard work I do to keep the house clean.” What her anger is really saying is “Ouch, I am not appreciated!!!” Instead of hearing “ouch” and responding with compassion to the real hurt feeling underneath the anger, Bob hears, “You are a bad spouse and you forget all of my needs, you piece of crap!” Ouch!!! Now Bob responds with defense of his own…and says, “I work outside the home all day, and picking up socks is your job!” Bob is backing Mary off from his wound, and counter-attacking Mary with “You’re a bad wife because you don’t appreciate all of the things I do to contribute and only focus on my short-comings.” Ouch!!! And so the anger dance is underway.

What would happen if one or the other, or both of them, could hear their partner saying “ouch” instead of an attack? Softness, vulnerability, and humility would begin to grow along with learning and growing to be a safer partner in a relationship. Hmm. That sounds pretty good, right? So why don’t people do it? First and foremost, pride. Pretty straightforward and simple. If I admit that you are saying ouch, then I have to admit I’ve done something wrong, and then, even worse, change. Change is hard. Having the humility to admit you’ve hurt someone is even harder, as is taking responsibility for one’s actions. I also have to put my feelings and wounds aside while we concentrate on yours. We also fear, “when will I get heard?”

See all of the things that have to be dealt with before one of you can stop the dance of anger before it really gets going? See how easy it is to blame the whole thing on “We can’t communicate!” instead of working on yourself? There is nothing simple or straightforward about dealing with this pride, and ultimately overcoming it. Getting to a place where you can hear what the person is actually saying instead of the surface conflict of the moment takes practice and a willingness to face your own fears, heal some of your own wounds, and get your over-reactivity under control. Not easy. It is worth it though, and it will permeate every relationship you have when you get there. Think about pointing the finger at the mug in the mirror instead of your partner. I need to learn to listen better and react less. I need to be safer for my partner. I need to learn where my partner is wounded so I can understand their pain. You are the only one you can control anyway.

That’s what I have today. If you need help translating or understanding yourself, healing yourself, or getting a handle on your reactivity, haul your own carcass into a great therapist’s office. Do it for you and no one else. Thanks for reading!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Differentiation 205

Sep 13, 2012 | abandonment, anxiety, Blog, cut-off, family systems theory, fear, goals, Uncategorized

Welcome to The Waiting Room today! It is a BEAUTIFUL fall morning, and I have just made myself a cup of Wild Mountain Blueberry coffee. Yummy! Curl up on your favorite comfy chair and join me for a short siesta. Once again, today we are working on differentiation.

So I have posted before about this crazy differentiation word. I will likely post about it again in the future as well. You see, this notion of differentiation really IS “where it’s at.” If you can work toward incorporating this concept, this way of thinking and relating, into your life…you will absolutely have not only greater peace inside your mind, but ALL of your interpersonal relationships will not be able to be anything but more healthy, balanced, fulfilling, safe, calm, close, loving….these wonderful words and many more.

To recap then, what is differentiation? The simplest description of it I can come up with is this: “knowing who you really are, and having the ability to control your anxiety, (remaining non-reactive), to real or perceived fluctuations between emotional and relational closeness and distancing of others.” OK, one more time in English… “to not freak out when you think someone is cutting off or pulling away from you, or trying to get too close or intimate.” For example, you all know “commitment-phobes”…they have anxiety over someone getting too close. What about the person who chases after the commitment-phobe? They have fears about being alone. How about a little less obvious…What about a husband that avoids/hates deep, connected, or intimate conversations? What about a wife who is lonely? This is all anxiety about closeness and distance. We ALL have this going on inside of us to some extent.

I am here to tell you…controlling this anxiety inside is SOOO not an easy thing to pull off! Not even kidding. Sakes! It first takes an awareness of what it is and when you’re doing it, no small feat, and then you have to be able to act counter-intuitively to how you have always acted while protecting yourself from emotional wounding. It is un-learning your learned defensiveness and facing your worst fears head-on. You literally have to overcome the natural protective instincts of the most powerful part of your brain, sometimes referred to as your “Lizard Brain” or “Reptilian Brain”, which I have blogged about before. Beware The Timeless Lizard

Let’s work a little deeper on this today, and move toward a better understanding of what differentiation looks like. I attended a training given by our resident expert on differentiation, Jerry Wise. He gave us a sheet that describes the 5 characteristics of self-differentiation that I wanted to share with you. Here they are:

“A Sense of My Own Limits, And The Limits of Others. A clear understanding of where I end and someone else begins; respect for the right of others to be the way they are, but refusing to allow others to intrude upon one’s own rights; defined from within, rather than adapting to please others.
Clarity About What I Believe. What would I die for, and what’s not worth it? Of what am I certain, and of what am I not so certain?
Courage To Take Stands. Defining where I stand and what I believe, in the face of disapproval; refusing to give in to another when it is a matter of principle; capacity to stand firm in the face of strong reactions. (ex. “You can’t think, act, feel that way and be a part of this family!”)
The Ability To Stay On Course. Resolve to follow through toward a vision in spite of sabotage; emotional and spiritual stamina to stick with a lofty goal and not let others’ reactions change your course.
Staying Connected In Spite Of It All. Maintaining a relatively non-reactive give-and-take with those who are reacting to you, (easier said than done!); resisting the impulse to attack or cut-off from those who are most reactive to you.

The first three have to do with self-definition. The last two have to do with self-regulation. BOTH are necessary for a healthy relationship. Definition of Self is a life-long process, in which we can only take small steps at any one time. The essential capacity one must develop is that of self-regulation (taking responsibility for the management of one’s own anxiety and reactivity.)” (Leave me a message if you want to know the source of this, and I will see if Jerry has it.)

Nowadays, most of the time I can call myself out when I am under the influence of my issues/wounds by admitting, “That was clearly not my most differentiated moment.” Yep! It takes a long time to get the hang of it, and then ya still slip sometimes. While I have been working on this change in me for about 6 years now, and have a lot of really good successes, I still have my moments. Oh boy, do I have my moments.

“So, then,” you ask, “why bother? This sounds like a slow, arduous process.” Yes it is, but the more I study and learn, the more I know that self-differentiation is the completely worthy goal and it is so incredibly powerful when it comes to inner and relational peace. It’s lifelong, and difficult, and it’s not about “how-to lists”; but rather about hearing and learning from experiences and insights, followed by a readiness to grow and change. Even small changes can make a huge difference in relationships and in your mind. Changing your life’s focus and paradigm to a goal of continued differentiation will alter, for the better, both how you feel inside and how you interact and love everyone.

Thanks for reading, and have a differentiated day!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com