Making Sure The Next One is Mr/Mrs Right Pt 3

Aug 14, 2010 | Blog, divorce, dreams, family systems theory

What about if I’m married to Mr./Mrs. Can’t Meet My Needs? (I apologize for the length…we have a lot of ground to cover.)

“So,” you say, “I’ve decided I want to grow and be more balanced. I’ve searched and sought out a therapist and they are helping me achieve this. I’m working hard on myself, and it’s going well. There’s just one big, glaring problem: my marriage is getting worse! I’m starting to not be attracted to my spouse anymore, and I’m getting frustrated with them. I’m starting to believe you…. I think I really DID marry the guy/gal who couldn’t meet my needs like you said. The biggest problem now is, he/she refuses to change! I’ve finally figured out what my needs are and now realize my spouse is incapable of meeting them?! It’s not fair! I don’t want to get a divorce, but I don’t want to give up my newfound and ever improving emotional balance either because I know it’s helping me on the inside. Even some of my other key relationships are changing and having more friction. Now what? I thought therapy was supposed to help make my life and my marriage better!?!”

Before we go any further, promise me you’ll read the whole blog, and not quit in the middle. There may be some things in here that can be taken wrong if you don’t understand the whole picture. If this fits you, it will also not be a fun read, and you’ll want the good news at the end. One last caveat…brace yourself. I am about to be painfully blunt! It is meant as a loving act on my part. I will always tell the truth, even if it hurts; and if it hurts, you needed to hear it.

First, let me tell you that it is not unusual at all for things to get worse before they get better when starting therapy. You will need to trust the process and see it through. What therapists and clients are doing in therapy is affecting changes. Do you know a lot of people who love change? It’s uncomfortable. It requires thought and time and effort. Many people who come to therapy know that there need to be changes, but don’t want to know that it is not going to be easy, or that they themselves have to change, too. Many are just looking for a “to-do list”. That approach, or one that says “let’s try to put our heads together and figure out what you guys need to do about your problems” will never work. Not long term.

It’s important to remember that in systems thinking, the system will always try to maintain the balance it has. The systems you are in will always try to keep everything the same. If one person changes, the system has to change to balance itself, and everyone and everything in the system will buck the changes every time.

Next, when a couple comes in for marriage therapy, there should be a big warning label on the door. It should say: “Warning: You Are About To Enter A Life-Changing Truth Zone: Changes Could Be Dangerous and Hazardous to Your Current Way of Living and Relating to People.” If you saw such a thing on your therapist’s door, would you still go in? Answer honestly…if you knew your life and relationships would never be the same again, would you sign up? If you can answer yes to this question, I know two things about you:

One, you are in tremendous pain in your current relationship(s). People don’t walk into a therapy office if they aren’t in a lot of pain. Therapy is expensive, it asks for vulnerability with a stranger for pete’s sake, and most of the time the therapist wants to talk about what hurts most in your life. Who would willingly walk into THAT if everything weren’t so bad?
Two, if you said yes absolutely honestly, humbly looking into your own heart, you will be an excellent client. You will get a lot out of therapy. You are significantly motivated to make the necessary and usually painful changes to make your life all it can be. You also trust the therapy process and have made a commitment to listen and be teachable.

Let’s talk to and about Mr/Mrs Can’t Meet My Spouse’s Needs for a minute. Sometimes people will say yes to therapy, but they can be unaware that they are doing it for the wrong reasons. A lot of times the reason a spouse comes to therapy is to have their sweetie “fixed” or because they want to be able to say that they tried therapy before they give up. They say, “I’m happy, it’s my spouse that’s upset and having the problems with the marriage.” In this case, they are motivated for the changes therapy will bring, as long as the changes are not being made in themselves. If these words came to your mind when thinking about marital therapy, let me enlighten you gently but firmly….if one of you has a problem, you both have a problem!

If you think your spouse is the one that needs to be fixed, you are in denial of your own issues. The prospects for your marriage surviving long term with no changes in that attitude are slim and none, Sparky! Take a look in the mirror, and decide if your marriage is worth admitting that you need to make changes too. If the answer is still “I don’t need to make any changes”, stay home and don’t waste the therapist’s or your sweetie’s time. Use the time to apartment hunt instead. It will be a better use of everyone’s time.

Was that too blunt for you? If you got reactive to that, take it as a cue that you needed to hear it. It is my impression that the attitude that one’s spouse needs to do all the changing takes a proverbial 2×4 to the head! If you believe you don’t have changes to make in your unhappy marriage, only your honey needs to change, you need a blunt wake-up call! I say these things not to be hurtful or cruel, or to pick on you, but because I care so deeply about helping you not only save your marriage but begin to heal yourself! I want to help you get what you need from therapy, too.

If your spouse gets into therapy and starts getting healthier without you, you need to sit up straight and pay attention! See, if you stay right where you’re at, unchanged, your honey is not going to be attracted to you anymore eventually because his/her issues and level of emotional balance won’t match yours anymore. You can get healthier with him/her or he/she will start getting healthier without you. Did I say it straight-out enough to wake you up? I hope so! I’m telling you the truth to help you figure this out before it’s too late! It’s the only hope of saving your marriage. I’ll let you in on a little secret here, too: if you figure this stuff out and get healthier yourself with him/her, you will have a marriage that is better than either one of you could have dreamed possible. Growing together is the key.

OK, now, back to the one who thinks it’s “not fair” that they married the guy/girl who couldn’t meet their needs. If you’re married to the person who holds fast to not changing themselves, you’ll need to eventually accept the fact that you cannot change him/her. They have to decide for themselves, you can only change yourself. It is a difficult and painful realization to accept that your sweetie cannot or will not change. The only chance you have to get them motivated to change with you is to continue to pull away and hope they follow you, and start working on themselves before it’s too late. If they don’t, you’ll have to continue to move on. You can lead a horse to the water, but you cannot make it drink. You can, however, rest in the promise that your continued pursuit of balance and growth will lead you to a more peaceful, fulfilled life whether it’s with them or without them. You will eventually grow into the person you were created to be, with a healed heart.

Marriage takes two, folks. Two people working, admitting, apologizing, nurturing, talking, and all other kinds of “-ings”. If one person overfunctions in the relationship, the other is underfunctioning. Eventually this system will wear itself out. The overfunctioner will get tired; it’s not a matter of if, it’s when. If the other person, the underfunctioner, is not willing to learn to function better, I’m sorry to tell you that the long-term prospects for your relationship do not look good. It’s fair. You chose them in your own state of unbalance. Own your choices. You are not a victim. Remember, the sweetheart you fell for in your youth complimented your issues as they were then, and you chose them to love…and to love you. No one held a gun to your head while you said “I do.”

If you pull away from them as you change, they have the choice to move toward you to keep balance, or not. If they don’t, you will continually move not only away from them, you will eventually move on without them. Keep in mind, the system you have created for yourself will not like your changes. It will fight against them to maintain the status quo. If you’ve shown up at a therapy office, the status quo sucks though, doesn’t it? You have to be ready for and accept the risks of growing. The system you are in, with your spouse, kids, family members etc. will resist the changes. Changes are dangerous and scary. You have to be ready for the consequences of changing the balance.

You also have to be ready for what will happen inside you if these consequences come to pass. What if your husband/wife won’t make whatever changes you need them to make? As we discussed, growth in you will make this situation intolerable. After this happens, though, you will have to face any illusions you might have had about your relationship and see them for what they have been. For example, you may have to face the death of your dreams of “living happily ever after.” Your future may not turn out the way you had planned or hoped. Nobody dreams of divorce. Nobody dreams of being a single-parent. Some of the things that may happen may be hard to swallow. I can tell you one thing: you have to be ready for them. When you are ready, you will move forward, and not a moment before. (Hopefully your spouse will move with you, but they may not. Remember, sometimes the catalyst for clarity of thought comes when one is laying in a gutter, having lost everything. And if it doesn’t come then, it isn’t coming.)

Now the good news. Whew, huh? I was pretty hard on ya’ll today. I gave you a BIG dose of reality to look at. Growth and change is dangerous. The good news is this: if both of you come into the therapy office with the idea that you both have issues, and each one of you is going to have to work on your own issues as best you can, be open to what the therapist shows you, be motivated to have a better marriage and be more balanced all around and stick with it…your marriage and all of your relationships will someday soon begin to flourish. I’m not going to blow sunshine up your skirt and tell you it will be fast and easy, because it won’t. Lasting change takes time! We’re talking about undoing a lifetime of learned responses! It will be worth it though, and you will have the best marriage and healthiest relationships you could try to imagine. It takes two in a marriage, but if you both approach healing your own individual issues (illuminated by your relationship with each other) with an open heart, it will be the best, most worthwhile decision you ever made, and the best adventure you could take together. That’s a pretty good promise, great news indeed, and you can take that one to the emotional bank!

There you go. That’s what I have for you today. I told you I was verbose on this subject! I hope if you are considering therapy or are already in the middle of it that you will show up with the openness and humility that will make your experience amazing and life-changing; and if your spouse won’t come with you, that you will have the courage to not settle for mediocrity or worse in your life and relationships. You can do it, I know you can. It’s your life, make it a great one!

See you next time, thanks for sticking with me by reading all the way to the end!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Making Sure The Next One is Mr./Mrs. Right Pt. 1

Aug 5, 2010 | abandonment, Blog, codependency, divorce, family systems theory, grace, self-care

This is going to be a two- or three-part blog, because I am feeling verbose on this subject! I’ve been inspired! One post just isn’t going to cut it.

I’ve mentioned before that I’m a fan of Family Systems Theory. Thankfully for me, I work with a group of pretty salty family systems therapists! They are all kind enough to mentor me, and keep me on course with the development of my craft. One of the therapists on staff has dedicated years of study to deepening his understanding and practice of this particular paradigm; I’ve spoken of him before, Jerry Wise. He has a blog too, and we were discussing a post of his about abandonment and a question he was asked about it, in the waiting room the other day. Something he said is totally turning my mind to gooey gray matter this week, as he’s been known to do before!

Remember how we were discussing the map, and seeing the whole map of our issues all at once, and how sometimes thinking counter-intuitively can help pinpoint the problem, which may be far away from what is causing the symptoms in our relationships? (See post “Family Systems, A Tiny Morsel”) That is family systems stuff through and through. Today’s topic is no different. Jerry and I were talking about abandonment, like I said, and specifically the symptom of loneliness. Fair enough, I thought. If you’re abandoned, you’re probably lonely, right? And loneliness itself isn’t the problem, it’s a symptom of a deeper issue. OK, I’m trackin…so far so good.

Then he said that if you have the symptom of loneliness, the core issue you really have, the root problem causing it on the other side of your issue map, is really an “allergy to intimacy.” Hold the phone there, Bub. If someone’s lonely, isn’t what they really want some good intimacy? How could someone who’s lonely really be allergic to intimacy? You lost me with that one. Stick with me though, I’m going to try to explain what he said as simply as possible…how I understand it. Let’s talk about it in example form, for ease in understanding’s sake. Let’s call our lonely, abandoned girl Kim.

Kim has had some relationships that have ended painfully, and more than anything she doesn’t want to have another failed pairing; but she also knows that she feels lonely for a romantic relationship. Understandable, right? It’s normal and natural to want a close personal relationship, emotionally, physically, etc. And I would interject here that simply wanting a relationship is not a problem in itself. But our girl Kim really wants a relationship because she’s experiencing the symptom of loneliness, and she needs to soothe her feeling of loneliness with another person.

Would you think that what Kim really has going on is an allergy to intimacy? Probably not. I sure as heck didn’t see that one coming, and I gave Jerry a really confused look when he said it. Huh? Here’s how he explained it to me. If Kim has the symptom of loneliness, and she is longing for another (hopefully healthy, balanced this time) person to fill the loneliness, somewhere on her map of issues she is underfunctioning in, or has an allergy to, intimacy. Is your face twisted and contorted like mine was yet? Eyes squinting? Little head scratching, perhaps? Stay with me…

Kim, out of her own issues, is still looking to someone else to fill her up. In this way she is overly-needy. In some way she is unable to find fulfillment in herself, and/or she may have an intimacy or under-closeness/over-closeness problem with her parents or siblings. If you’re tracking that train of thought, the next question that naturally comes is, “How does someone have an allergy to intimacy inside themselves? Does an intimacy problem in my family of origin, (people that I hardly ever see anymore even perhaps,) still affect me? (YES!) And what does an allergy to intimacy look like, and how does one fix it?” I admit, it’s kind of a tough sell to someone who says they crave intimacy, and especially if they may be over-functional in their level of ability to have intimacy with other people. The point is, if there is loneliness for intimacy, somewhere on the map we’ll find an intimacy allergy…a place where Kim is under-functional, intimately. Let’s take a swing at answering those questions:

Let me ask you this way, and see if it helps shed some light on it…where do you think Kim is abandoning herself? A closer look at someone like Kim will probably show that she is too other-centered. Maybe she doesn’t have good self care. Perhaps she has a hard time forgiving herself for imperfections or mistakes, and she shames herself and feels she isn’t good enough. Maybe she makes caring for everyone else more important than making sure she’s taken care of, too. When her hurting little girl on the inside cries out in pain, she in effect ”shushes” her. In any or all of these ways, she abandons herself. She’s not in-tune to her own needs, and ignores them.

So how does Kim fix this imbalance? Like 12-steppers would say…the first step is admitting you have a problem, right? True that! She needs to recognize she has an allergy somewhere. She needs to see her own unbalance, instead of concerning herself with over-scrutinizing potential mates! She needs to learn to have better boundaries. She needs to learn to give herself grace, listen to herself and take care of her own needs, and address her shame issues. These are all things that work to resolve and heal your childhood pain and make your psychological walls more permeable. Kim also needs to see where her expectations fo
r relationships are unhealthy. This is all stuff that happens in therapy!

Now then…how does all of this play into who she will choose as a future (hopefully) Mr. Right? Will she be attracted to another Mr. Wrong no matter what? Is there real hope to be had for a future, healthy relationship? Tune in next time for the answers to these most intriguing questions!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Grief, With A Large Side-Order Of Fear…

Jun 2, 2010 | Blog, divorce, fear, grace, grief

Although I admittedly have not read many of his books, I’ve come to find through hearing told some stories he has written (The Lion, The Witch, & the Wardrobe comes to mind) reading some quotes by him, and hearing his name here and there in discussions, that I probably would have liked C.S. Lewis a lot. I think he would have given me lots of things to think about, and great topics to blog about, too! Here is the latest quote I found by him that spoke to me:

“No one ever told me that grief felt so much like fear.” -C.S. Lewis

Wow, I really connected with that one. If you’ve been reading my blog for awhile now, you know I’m a truth-seeker, and I found a lot of truth in this one. (First, let me jump on in and give you some background, and then I’ll tie it all up at the end.)

OK, so, going through a divorce is really a grieving process, and I’m hear to tell you, it’s not an overnight one as you’re probably aware. I am actually starting to think that deep losses where no one dies, where those you love make a choice to not love anymore, just might be even more painful than losses to death. (It’s not a competition as to what kind of loss hurts most, of course, not at all. I just wanted to put it out there as food for thought that sometimes having someone choose the loss can make it sting all the more.)

Most big losses in life are grieved for an average of 2 years. Yep. That’s the bad news. The initial difficult part of the grieving can last for a month or two; but really the whole grieving process all together takes between 1-3 years, depending on the person and the closeness/nature of the loss. Knowing that does help to understand and give grace to someone who isn’t getting over something as quickly as one might think they should…including oneself, I’ve come to learn. This average of 2 years, though, is also the good news…I find it comforting to know that when I have a huge loss, it will eventually get easier to bear, and my heart will heal.

I can remember the day my heart broke…when I realized my marriage had very little chance of survival. Although I knew I was not done trying to save it, and I still had hope that it could be saved (and with both of us working on our own issues I believe it absolutely could have been; I am totally convinced that this really is the key to saving any troubled marriage)…my heart felt like it made an almost audible sound the minute when the reality of the situation sunk in…and it just shattered. I let out a tiny wimper, and curled up like a newborn for a soft, broken cry. I can still remember vividly what that pain feels like, and I’ll likely never forget it. Now, though, my heart has had time to mend, and I am so very grateful for all I have learned. I can tell you that the entire process has taken about 2 years, and that my heart is again filled to overflowing with joy.

Here’s where the quote comes in. That day my heart broke began a season of grief and pain for me…but that grief really felt a lot like fear! A large part of an event that one needs to grieve, after all, is change. Huge change. Unexpected and as-of-yet unknown change, perhaps. Day-to-day living changes in many, if not all, areas of life: financial, emotional, physical, etc. Fear of change, of the unknown, is natural. It is also sometimes extremely hard to accept that things will never again be like they once were. It takes time to process through it, accept it, and move through that difficult season.

Grieving a divorce is grieving the death of a dream, and it is very painful. Coping with all of the changes that ensue with that kind of event is fear-inducing. Eventually though, as the changes become “the new normal”, the anxiety decreases and so does the grief. It takes a lot of strength to face it, and even more to allow yourself to feel it. It’s difficult to keep moving forward, but if you can make it through each moment as it comes, you will make it to your milestones. (I have to give it up to my girl Beth Moore for that terminology, although she used it in a different context.)

Did you hear my latest milestone a little bit ago? I said ”my heart is again filled to overflowing with joy.” That’s a milestone for me…being able to say that and absolutely mean it. (Insert happy-dance here!!!) I had to make it through many tear-filled and fear-filled moments to get here. It can be done. You can do it, too. Just have the courage to feel it, ask for help if you need it, face the fears of change, and give yourself the grace to accept that it is going to be difficult and might just take awhile. “Difficult” is where growth comes from and growth is why we’re here. Embrace it. One moment at a time.

That’s my 2 cents for today. See you again soon!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

What To Do?

Mar 13, 2010 | Blog, divorce

So I signed my divorce papers yesterday. Whew, that was really not an enjoyable experience. Simply feeling ten different emotions at the same time, most of them contradicting each other, is just flat-out overwhelming. Sadness, relief, anger, happiness, abandonment, liberation, shame, confidence, confusion, and self-assuredness. Wow. That just doesn’t happen every day!

I wanted to share how it felt for me, because half of the population of the United States at some point goes through the experience of signing divorce papers. (Everyone is different of course, but some feelings on this particular day are universal.) If you haven’t done it personally, chances are you know someone who has. I wanted to offer up some insight into how it felt for me, so maybe it can help you understand better what your friend, sister, uncle, cousin, or daughter might be feeling on that day. Sometimes it’s hard to know what the best thing is to do or say when someone you love is going through such a painful experience.

I can tell you what NOT to do. Passing judgement is a definite NO. It’s a NO all the time really, but when you’re going through a divorce, stuff like that gets amplified. Walls are down, pain is high, and folks are vulnerable. Take it a little easy with fragile hearts. I would also suggest not bringing up how much better off they are without their spouse, what a loser he was, or how happy you are that she’s out of his life. On the day or two surrounding the signing, it may also be wise to not illuminate the obvious looming issues like, “well, how do you plan on paying for ??? now?” Realize that the person is grieving a big loss, and tread lightly around wounded hearts.

My sister did something just right. She was just there for me. She sent me a text that said, “hey, are you doing ok? I was thinking about you all day today, wondering if you were OK.” Then she “held my hair back” while I puked some pain. We are 700 miles apart, but she was still there. You don’t have to fix it or figure it out or find solutions. Just listen and love. My b/f/f/ did the same. She went to lunch with me shortly after I left the attorney’s office, and was just there. I didn’t want to talk much, and that was OK with her, too. Just her being with me was quite comforting.

I’m quite blessed that way, surrounded by people who love me and are there for me. (God spoils me!) I love being able to do the same for them when they need it, too. That’s what we’re here for, to be there for one another, love each other, and help shoulder each other’s burdens. Thanks go out to all of you who have supported me in this painful, healing journey. I love you all!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com