What about if I’m married to Mr./Mrs. Can’t Meet My Needs? (I apologize for the length…we have a lot of ground to cover.)
“So,” you say, “I’ve decided I want to grow and be more balanced. I’ve searched and sought out a therapist and they are helping me achieve this. I’m working hard on myself, and it’s going well. There’s just one big, glaring problem: my marriage is getting worse! I’m starting to not be attracted to my spouse anymore, and I’m getting frustrated with them. I’m starting to believe you…. I think I really DID marry the guy/gal who couldn’t meet my needs like you said. The biggest problem now is, he/she refuses to change! I’ve finally figured out what my needs are and now realize my spouse is incapable of meeting them?! It’s not fair! I don’t want to get a divorce, but I don’t want to give up my newfound and ever improving emotional balance either because I know it’s helping me on the inside. Even some of my other key relationships are changing and having more friction. Now what? I thought therapy was supposed to help make my life and my marriage better!?!”
Before we go any further, promise me you’ll read the whole blog, and not quit in the middle. There may be some things in here that can be taken wrong if you don’t understand the whole picture. If this fits you, it will also not be a fun read, and you’ll want the good news at the end. One last caveat…brace yourself. I am about to be painfully blunt! It is meant as a loving act on my part. I will always tell the truth, even if it hurts; and if it hurts, you needed to hear it.
First, let me tell you that it is not unusual at all for things to get worse before they get better when starting therapy. You will need to trust the process and see it through. What therapists and clients are doing in therapy is affecting changes. Do you know a lot of people who love change? It’s uncomfortable. It requires thought and time and effort. Many people who come to therapy know that there need to be changes, but don’t want to know that it is not going to be easy, or that they themselves have to change, too. Many are just looking for a “to-do list”. That approach, or one that says “let’s try to put our heads together and figure out what you guys need to do about your problems” will never work. Not long term.
It’s important to remember that in systems thinking, the system will always try to maintain the balance it has. The systems you are in will always try to keep everything the same. If one person changes, the system has to change to balance itself, and everyone and everything in the system will buck the changes every time.
Next, when a couple comes in for marriage therapy, there should be a big warning label on the door. It should say: “Warning: You Are About To Enter A Life-Changing Truth Zone: Changes Could Be Dangerous and Hazardous to Your Current Way of Living and Relating to People.” If you saw such a thing on your therapist’s door, would you still go in? Answer honestly…if you knew your life and relationships would never be the same again, would you sign up? If you can answer yes to this question, I know two things about you:
- One, you are in tremendous pain in your current relationship(s). People don’t walk into a therapy office if they aren’t in a lot of pain. Therapy is expensive, it asks for vulnerability with a stranger for pete’s sake, and most of the time the therapist wants to talk about what hurts most in your life. Who would willingly walk into THAT if everything weren’t so bad?
- Two, if you said yes absolutely honestly, humbly looking into your own heart, you will be an excellent client. You will get a lot out of therapy. You are significantly motivated to make the necessary and usually painful changes to make your life all it can be. You also trust the therapy process and have made a commitment to listen and be teachable.
Let’s talk to and about Mr/Mrs Can’t Meet My Spouse’s Needs for a minute. Sometimes people will say yes to therapy, but they can be unaware that they are doing it for the wrong reasons. A lot of times the reason a spouse comes to therapy is to have their sweetie “fixed” or because they want to be able to say that they tried therapy before they give up. They say, “I’m happy, it’s my spouse that’s upset and having the problems with the marriage.” In this case, they are motivated for the changes therapy will bring, as long as the changes are not being made in themselves. If these words came to your mind when thinking about marital therapy, let me enlighten you gently but firmly….if one of you has a problem, you both have a problem!
If you think your spouse is the one that needs to be fixed, you are in denial of your own issues. The prospects for your marriage surviving long term with no changes in that attitude are slim and none, Sparky! Take a look in the mirror, and decide if your marriage is worth admitting that you need to make changes too. If the answer is still “I don’t need to make any changes”, stay home and don’t waste the therapist’s or your sweetie’s time. Use the time to apartment hunt instead. It will be a better use of everyone’s time.
Was that too blunt for you? If you got reactive to that, take it as a cue that you needed to hear it. It is my impression that the attitude that one’s spouse needs to do all the changing takes a proverbial 2×4 to the head! If you believe you don’t have changes to make in your unhappy marriage, only your honey needs to change, you need a blunt wake-up call! I say these things not to be hurtful or cruel, or to pick on you, but because I care so deeply about helping you not only save your marriage but begin to heal yourself! I want to help you get what you need from therapy, too.
If your spouse gets into therapy and starts getting healthier without you, you need to sit up straight and pay attention! See, if you stay right where you’re at, unchanged, your honey is not going to be attracted to you anymore eventually because his/her issues and level of emotional balance won’t match yours anymore. You can get healthier with him/her or he/she will start getting healthier without you. Did I say it straight-out enough to wake you up? I hope so! I’m telling you the truth to help you figure this out before it’s too late! It’s the only hope of saving your marriage. I’ll let you in on a little secret here, too: if you figure this stuff out and get healthier yourself with him/her, you will have a marriage that is better than either one of you could have dreamed possible. Growing together is the key.
OK, now, back to the one who thinks it’s “not fair” that they married the guy/girl who couldn’t meet their needs. If you’re married to the person who holds fast to not changing themselves, you’ll need to eventually accept the fact that you cannot change him/her. They have to decide for themselves, you can only change yourself. It is a difficult and painful realization to accept that your sweetie cannot or will not change. The only chance you have to get them motivated to change with you is to continue to pull away and hope they follow you, and start working on themselves before it’s too late. If they don’t, you’ll have to continue to move on. You can lead a horse to the water, but you cannot make it drink. You can, however, rest in the promise that your continued pursuit of balance and growth will lead you to a more peaceful, fulfilled life whether it’s with them or without them. You will eventually grow into the person you were created to be, with a healed heart.
Marriage takes two, folks. Two people working, admitting, apologizing, nurturing, talking, and all other kinds of “-ings”. If one person overfunctions in the relationship, the other is underfunctioning. Eventually this system will wear itself out. The overfunctioner will get tired; it’s not a matter of if, it’s when. If the other person, the underfunctioner, is not willing to learn to function better, I’m sorry to tell you that the long-term prospects for your relationship do not look good. It’s fair. You chose them in your own state of unbalance. Own your choices. You are not a victim. Remember, the sweetheart you fell for in your youth complimented your issues as they were then, and you chose them to love…and to love you. No one held a gun to your head while you said “I do.”
If you pull away from them as you change, they have the choice to move toward you to keep balance, or not. If they don’t, you will continually move not only away from them, you will eventually move on without them. Keep in mind, the system you have created for yourself will not like your changes. It will fight against them to maintain the status quo. If you’ve shown up at a therapy office, the status quo sucks though, doesn’t it? You have to be ready for and accept the risks of growing. The system you are in, with your spouse, kids, family members etc. will resist the changes. Changes are dangerous and scary. You have to be ready for the consequences of changing the balance.
You also have to be ready for what will happen inside you if these consequences come to pass. What if your husband/wife won’t make whatever changes you need them to make? As we discussed, growth in you will make this situation intolerable. After this happens, though, you will have to face any illusions you might have had about your relationship and see them for what they have been. For example, you may have to face the death of your dreams of “living happily ever after.” Your future may not turn out the way you had planned or hoped. Nobody dreams of divorce. Nobody dreams of being a single-parent. Some of the things that may happen may be hard to swallow. I can tell you one thing: you have to be ready for them. When you are ready, you will move forward, and not a moment before. (Hopefully your spouse will move with you, but they may not. Remember, sometimes the catalyst for clarity of thought comes when one is laying in a gutter, having lost everything. And if it doesn’t come then, it isn’t coming.)
Now the good news. Whew, huh? I was pretty hard on ya’ll today. I gave you a BIG dose of reality to look at. Growth and change is dangerous. The good news is this: if both of you come into the therapy office with the idea that you both have issues, and each one of you is going to have to work on your own issues as best you can, be open to what the therapist shows you, be motivated to have a better marriage and be more balanced all around and stick with it…your marriage and all of your relationships will someday soon begin to flourish. I’m not going to blow sunshine up your skirt and tell you it will be fast and easy, because it won’t. Lasting change takes time! We’re talking about undoing a lifetime of learned responses! It will be worth it though, and you will have the best marriage and healthiest relationships you could try to imagine. It takes two in a marriage, but if you both approach healing your own individual issues (illuminated by your relationship with each other) with an open heart, it will be the best, most worthwhile decision you ever made, and the best adventure you could take together. That’s a pretty good promise, great news indeed, and you can take that one to the emotional bank!
There you go. That’s what I have for you today. I told you I was verbose on this subject! I hope if you are considering therapy or are already in the middle of it that you will show up with the openness and humility that will make your experience amazing and life-changing; and if your spouse won’t come with you, that you will have the courage to not settle for mediocrity or worse in your life and relationships. You can do it, I know you can. It’s your life, make it a great one!
See you next time, thanks for sticking with me by reading all the way to the end!
Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.
©2010, Nancy Eisenman
I have also learned who my true friends and supporters are. The ones who tirelessly cheered for me, encouraged me, pushed me, carried me, lifted me, dragged me, and prayed for me. You know who you are. I cannot thank you enough for loving me through this.