Recently I was in on a very interesting discussion on the topic of “fairness.” Wow, was it good! We were talking about how fair or not life can be, and I asked some questions to see how those around me felt about the topic. See how you would answer some of the questions I asked:

• Is the world fair?
• Is what happened to me as a kid, all the emotional wounds I received, fair?
• Is someone cutting in line fair?
• Does the reasoning behind their perceived unfair behavior matter, or change anything?
• What if no one gets hurt?
• What do you think?

Take a minute to ponder your ideas, or paradigm, about fairness.

My answer to the question “Is Life Fair or Not?” was “YES.” Yes, life is fair. Yes, life is unfair. This is gonna sound kinda weird, but…it depends on who you ask. I don’t mean which person in the world you ask, I mean which part inside of you that you ask. One of my mentors, Kathy Henry, LCSW taught me a way to look at myself on the inside to dis-entangle the myriad of thoughts, feelings, and reactions I could have to any given situation. She said that inside of us, we have an adult, an angry teenager, and a little child. Now, let me assure you, this is not a schizophrenic thing! It is just a way of thinking through things to help make sense of a complex set of thoughts and feelings.

To explain further, “Little Kid” is the part of your heart that is easily offended and hurt; is raw and sad from wounds; is voraciously needy for attention, affection, and acceptance; and pretty much thinks the world revolves around his/her perception. It’s the core of your heart, the vulnerable part of you…the part that is hurting…and the part that is so amazingly BEAUTIFUL! There is no pride living in this part of your heart; it is innocent and faith-filled, while also immature and having a limited view of the world.

“Angry Teenager” is your psychological walls…your Little Kid’s protector. It is your reactivity personified. When someone hurts you, or even if you perceive someone threatening to hurt you, Angry Teenager comes out in force and kicks some backside! He/she/it is a prickly porcupine, a green ogre, a 7-foot monster with a bazooka and a foul mouth. Whenever you need to back anyone off who you perceive as threatening to hurt any wound Little Kid might have, and adult is not around to have strong boundaries, Angry Teenager jumps to front and center and takes over the show. When you recognize this one coming out to play, it is an indicator that someone has hurt you or infringed upon your boundaries.

The Adult is your inner parent. This is the one who everyone thinks should be running the show, because that’s who looks like the adult body we see walking around. Unfortunately, that is rarely the case. Unless you’ve had quite a bit of recovery work under your belt, this is actually pretty unusual. Many folks have little kid and angry teenager running the show almost exclusively. Those who have Adult running the show some of the time usually come across as overly responsible and critical. They generally have a voice in their head that sounds something like “Good grief (insert your name here), you really messed that up, you are stupid, incompetent, a screw-up, or otherwise not good enough unless you perform perfectly, which you can’t…” The inner parent says to the inner child exactly what your parents said to you, verbally or non-verbally, while you were growing up…only on a bullhorn and repeating it over and over!

So how does that help organize all these thoughts, feelings, and reactions that I was talking about? If we can stop parenting ourselves in our own heads the way our parents wounded us when we were kids, we can start to love, accept, and care for the hurting little kid inside us. Instead of having angry teenager come out to our friends and loved ones…you know, the ones we hurt the most…we can redirect that scary monster away from them and toward the mean, critical, or passive inner parent! We can begin to take responsibility for our own feelings and actions instead of blaming others for them. The Adult becomes nicer, more nurturing, and more accountable inside for the only person it can control…itself. The little kid begins to heal while not only being heard, but also receiving the kind of parenting he/she has always longed for and never gotten.

Now, back to Fair vs. Unfair. What if we ask the little kid inside of you whether or not he/she thinks life is fair? Is it fair for a child to be hurt, abused, abandoned, or otherwise unloved? No, of course not. Each one of us is worthy of being loved and cared for perfectly. The problem is, NONE of us get it. No one. We are all wounded when we are little, and build psychological walls to protect ourselves from the wounding. Thank goodness we do, because without those walls as a kid, we would not be able to survive. Therapy and recovery is about figuring out the walls we built, tearing them down to heal the wounds behind them, and then learning new, mature and responsible (differentiated) ways of responding to painful stimuli. We can begin to see with new eyes, and hear with new ears.

What if we ask Angry Teenager if life is fair? I think he/she would say “Heck no! All of these bad ole people running around in the world hurting me? I’ll kick their backsides! Nothing is fair and I won’t ever think different!” Angry Teenager pouts and throws temper tantrums.  Angry Teenager is the one who plays the part of victim, and keeps you STUCK.  Do you know anyone who sounds like this? Do YOU sound like this? You may have an actual angry teenager living in your house that sounds like this!  Older people who still sound like this have a hurting little kid inside, and an Adult who is not doing their job (boundaries, nurturing, non-reactive voice, etc.)

What if we ask Adult? Mostly, I think Adults, truly in their “adult/inner parent” space, would say that yes, life is fair. It’s fair that all of us didn’t get what we needed. It’s a dog-eat-dog world…and all that. We come to a place of acceptance, at least to a degree.  Continuing to think about it in terms of fair vs. unfair is dangerous though.  I don’t want you to hear that you deserved the pain you got; and, the world does have evil in it.  You and I just needed our pain, to grow.  It is what it is.  Who grows and changes when they are happy and content?

Here’s where we become ready to take the big step, then. When we move toward a more differentiated, responsible, truly mature adult position…(are you ready?)…we stop feeling the need to ask the question. We become de-enmeshed with the rest of the world and what it’s doing. We realize that the things that happen to us and around us are what we need to grow and learn. We accept them more fully and peacefully.  We realize everyone is walking around in an adult body with a hurting kid and angry teenager inside, and most are unaware of it. We exude calm and grace, love and accept others, have good boundaries and healing so angry teenager becomes obsolete….we are able to truly connect with others and we are finally peaceful.

What do you think about fairness now?  I hope you enjoyed reading! I would love to hear any comments you have on this topic. Thanks for stopping by!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.

©2012, Nancy Eisenman