The Myth Of Urgency

May 5, 2013 | anxiety, Blog, family systems theory, making changes, Uncategorized

I’m glad you stopped by The Waiting Room today because we are going to chat about a topic that can give you some amazing freedom to relax during conflict! Fix a cup of your favorite warm beverage and join me for a few quiet moments during a busy day.

If you have read many of my posts, you will find that I am a student of the concept of differentiation. Differentiation can be described as an ability to control or minimize over-reactivity in the presence of real or perceived relational closeness or distancing. (See other posts to describe differentiation more fully here and here). It is not so much a difficult idea to grasp as much as it is a difficult idea to put into practice in life and relationships!

The big deal here is that if one is to be differentiated, they must be able to control their reactivity long enough to catch themselves from taking the bait of over-reacting. Wow, I cannot tell you how difficult that is. Invariably, in order to do so with any kind of success, you must have a very good understanding of your particular set of wounds, and a good deal of healing and grieving under your belt as well, because your partner is so adept at finding your buttons and pushing them quite vigorously!

So say something happens that makes you very angry. My last post discussed how Anger = Ouch. It’s pretty safe to say that when most folks feel angry or ouch, they have an almost reflex-like reaction to protect and/or counter-attack. Makes sense, right? Our dear old lizard brain survivalist mode kicks into effect and LOOK OUT! Fight or flight is pretty automatic. If we’re used to fighting about the same thing over and over for years, we may be able to control a raging outburst, but the temper and the pain and the resentment still stews inside.

What I am going to suggest today is going to give you and me a bit of permission to pause. Yep. I’m talking about stopping that whole fight or flight mess that gets us into SO much trouble, and giving ourselves some time to think and reflect before reacting. Sound easy? Perhaps not. What would it be like for you to be able to stop just before an argument starts, and keep it from turning into a bloodbath? Ooo. That is worth the price of admission right there, isn’t it?

So here’s what it looks like. Your partner says something that ticks you off. Now, immediately there is a choice to make. Do I go with the lizard and fight back? Or perhaps run away and retreat? Maybe you’re battle savvy with your particular lunkheaded partner, you’ve got some walls and some scars already from fighting them, and you simply give a laser-like glare and let some good-sized resentment build. Stop. Intervene with yourself and your thoughts right here. There is a myth being believed right in this moment that is going to leave you completely unsatisfied with the outcome of this fight, whatever it is. This is the myth of urgency.

It is actually not urgent that you defend yourself right that moment. It is not crucial that you crush the other person right then, or run away immediately. You can be just fine in that moment without doing either one. Let that one soak in for a second. I can be just fine in this moment without reacting immediately. The ability to hold still in this moment will allow you to react with thoughtfulness, calmness, and after thinking first!

Can you see how much better your reaction will always be if you really think before reacting? You can also take that time to take stock of and honor your own feelings. Your response can be planned and on your own terms, instead of your partners terms and under the influence of your wounds. You can actually take a moment in that time as well to consider the other persons true intentions (which, by the way, are almost never about wanting to hurt you), and also remember their wounds and care for their feelings. Beautiful.

I cannot tell you how many millions of times I have fallen into the trap of the myth of urgency. I would have to admit that I tend to be a bit on the stubborn side sometimes when needing to learn difficult lessons. I have finally figured out, though, that I do not have to react in that very moment. It does not mean I’ve given up my right to discuss it later or choose a course of action later. It does mean I am claiming my right to get ahold of my reactivity before engaging with my partner, and this can only mean a cleaner and clearer picture of the situation and a less volatile encounter.

So I’m not suggesting that this is easy or that anyone can do it without practice. I’m only saying that it is possible, and the skill is beyond worth learning. Remember that freedom I was talking about? It comes from humbly seeking to heal ourselves and get a handle on our reactivity. I’m going to make a pretty bold statement here: Differentiation is the cure for anxiety. It allows us to relax from the pull of over-reactivity.

Pre-requisites for learning this skill are some teachability, some motivation, trust, and most of all…humility. We can start from the beginning or wherever you are on your journey, just bring an open heart. Come on in, let’s get to work.

Nancy Eisenman, MSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Differentiation 205

Sep 13, 2012 | abandonment, anxiety, Blog, cut-off, family systems theory, fear, goals, Uncategorized

Welcome to The Waiting Room today! It is a BEAUTIFUL fall morning, and I have just made myself a cup of Wild Mountain Blueberry coffee. Yummy! Curl up on your favorite comfy chair and join me for a short siesta. Once again, today we are working on differentiation.

So I have posted before about this crazy differentiation word. I will likely post about it again in the future as well. You see, this notion of differentiation really IS “where it’s at.” If you can work toward incorporating this concept, this way of thinking and relating, into your life…you will absolutely have not only greater peace inside your mind, but ALL of your interpersonal relationships will not be able to be anything but more healthy, balanced, fulfilling, safe, calm, close, loving….these wonderful words and many more.

To recap then, what is differentiation? The simplest description of it I can come up with is this: “knowing who you really are, and having the ability to control your anxiety, (remaining non-reactive), to real or perceived fluctuations between emotional and relational closeness and distancing of others.” OK, one more time in English… “to not freak out when you think someone is cutting off or pulling away from you, or trying to get too close or intimate.” For example, you all know “commitment-phobes”…they have anxiety over someone getting too close. What about the person who chases after the commitment-phobe? They have fears about being alone. How about a little less obvious…What about a husband that avoids/hates deep, connected, or intimate conversations? What about a wife who is lonely? This is all anxiety about closeness and distance. We ALL have this going on inside of us to some extent.

I am here to tell you…controlling this anxiety inside is SOOO not an easy thing to pull off! Not even kidding. Sakes! It first takes an awareness of what it is and when you’re doing it, no small feat, and then you have to be able to act counter-intuitively to how you have always acted while protecting yourself from emotional wounding. It is un-learning your learned defensiveness and facing your worst fears head-on. You literally have to overcome the natural protective instincts of the most powerful part of your brain, sometimes referred to as your “Lizard Brain” or “Reptilian Brain”, which I have blogged about before. Beware The Timeless Lizard

Let’s work a little deeper on this today, and move toward a better understanding of what differentiation looks like. I attended a training given by our resident expert on differentiation, Jerry Wise. He gave us a sheet that describes the 5 characteristics of self-differentiation that I wanted to share with you. Here they are:

“A Sense of My Own Limits, And The Limits of Others. A clear understanding of where I end and someone else begins; respect for the right of others to be the way they are, but refusing to allow others to intrude upon one’s own rights; defined from within, rather than adapting to please others.
Clarity About What I Believe. What would I die for, and what’s not worth it? Of what am I certain, and of what am I not so certain?
Courage To Take Stands. Defining where I stand and what I believe, in the face of disapproval; refusing to give in to another when it is a matter of principle; capacity to stand firm in the face of strong reactions. (ex. “You can’t think, act, feel that way and be a part of this family!”)
The Ability To Stay On Course. Resolve to follow through toward a vision in spite of sabotage; emotional and spiritual stamina to stick with a lofty goal and not let others’ reactions change your course.
Staying Connected In Spite Of It All. Maintaining a relatively non-reactive give-and-take with those who are reacting to you, (easier said than done!); resisting the impulse to attack or cut-off from those who are most reactive to you.

The first three have to do with self-definition. The last two have to do with self-regulation. BOTH are necessary for a healthy relationship. Definition of Self is a life-long process, in which we can only take small steps at any one time. The essential capacity one must develop is that of self-regulation (taking responsibility for the management of one’s own anxiety and reactivity.)” (Leave me a message if you want to know the source of this, and I will see if Jerry has it.)

Nowadays, most of the time I can call myself out when I am under the influence of my issues/wounds by admitting, “That was clearly not my most differentiated moment.” Yep! It takes a long time to get the hang of it, and then ya still slip sometimes. While I have been working on this change in me for about 6 years now, and have a lot of really good successes, I still have my moments. Oh boy, do I have my moments.

“So, then,” you ask, “why bother? This sounds like a slow, arduous process.” Yes it is, but the more I study and learn, the more I know that self-differentiation is the completely worthy goal and it is so incredibly powerful when it comes to inner and relational peace. It’s lifelong, and difficult, and it’s not about “how-to lists”; but rather about hearing and learning from experiences and insights, followed by a readiness to grow and change. Even small changes can make a huge difference in relationships and in your mind. Changing your life’s focus and paradigm to a goal of continued differentiation will alter, for the better, both how you feel inside and how you interact and love everyone.

Thanks for reading, and have a differentiated day!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Fair vs. Unfair

Jun 10, 2012 | anxiety, Blog, boundaries, enmeshment, family systems theory, grace, inner voice, Uncategorized

Recently I was in on a very interesting discussion on the topic of “fairness.” Wow, was it good! We were talking about how fair or not life can be, and I asked some questions to see how those around me felt about the topic. See how you would answer some of the questions I asked:

Is the world fair?
Is what happened to me as a kid, all the emotional wounds I received, fair?
Is someone cutting in line fair?
Does the reasoning behind their perceived unfair behavior matter, or change anything?
What if no one gets hurt?
What do you think?

Take a minute to ponder your ideas, or paradigm, about fairness.

My answer to the question “Is Life Fair or Not?” was “YES.” Yes, life is fair. Yes, life is unfair. This is gonna sound kinda weird, but…it depends on who you ask. I don’t mean which person in the world you ask, I mean which part inside of you that you ask. One of my mentors, Kathy Henry, LCSW taught me a way to look at myself on the inside to dis-entangle the myriad of thoughts, feelings, and reactions I could have to any given situation. She said that inside of us, we have an adult, an angry teenager, and a little child. Now, let me assure you, this is not a schizophrenic thing! It is just a way of thinking through things to help make sense of a complex set of thoughts and feelings.

To explain further, “Little Kid” is the part of your heart that is easily offended and hurt; is raw and sad from wounds; is voraciously needy for attention, affection, and acceptance; and pretty much thinks the world revolves around his/her perception. It’s the core of your heart, the vulnerable part of you…the part that is hurting…and the part that is so amazingly BEAUTIFUL! There is no pride living in this part of your heart; it is innocent and faith-filled, while also immature and having a limited view of the world.

“Angry Teenager” is your psychological walls…your Little Kid’s protector. It is your reactivity personified. When someone hurts you, or even if you perceive someone threatening to hurt you, Angry Teenager comes out in force and kicks some backside! He/she/it is a prickly porcupine, a green ogre, a 7-foot monster with a bazooka and a foul mouth. Whenever you need to back anyone off who you perceive as threatening to hurt any wound Little Kid might have, and adult is not around to have strong boundaries, Angry Teenager jumps to front and center and takes over the show. When you recognize this one coming out to play, it is an indicator that someone has hurt you or infringed upon your boundaries.

The Adult is your inner parent. This is the one who everyone thinks should be running the show, because that’s who looks like the adult body we see walking around. Unfortunately, that is rarely the case. Unless you’ve had quite a bit of recovery work under your belt, this is actually pretty unusual. Many folks have little kid and angry teenager running the show almost exclusively. Those who have Adult running the show some of the time usually come across as overly responsible and critical. They generally have a voice in their head that sounds something like “Good grief (insert your name here), you really messed that up, you are stupid, incompetent, a screw-up, or otherwise not good enough unless you perform perfectly, which you can’t…” The inner parent says to the inner child exactly what your parents said to you, verbally or non-verbally, while you were growing up…only on a bullhorn and repeating it over and over!

So how does that help organize all these thoughts, feelings, and reactions that I was talking about? If we can stop parenting ourselves in our own heads the way our parents wounded us when we were kids, we can start to love, accept, and care for the hurting little kid inside us. Instead of having angry teenager come out to our friends and loved ones…you know, the ones we hurt the most…we can redirect that scary monster away from them and toward the mean, critical, or passive inner parent! We can begin to take responsibility for our own feelings and actions instead of blaming others for them. The Adult becomes nicer, more nurturing, and more accountable inside for the only person it can control…itself. The little kid begins to heal while not only being heard, but also receiving the kind of parenting he/she has always longed for and never gotten.

Now, back to Fair vs. Unfair. What if we ask the little kid inside of you whether or not he/she thinks life is fair? Is it fair for a child to be hurt, abused, abandoned, or otherwise unloved? No, of course not. Each one of us is worthy of being loved and cared for perfectly. The problem is, NONE of us get it. No one. We are all wounded when we are little, and build psychological walls to protect ourselves from the wounding. Thank goodness we do, because without those walls as a kid, we would not be able to survive. Therapy and recovery is about figuring out the walls we built, tearing them down to heal the wounds behind them, and then learning new, mature and responsible (differentiated) ways of responding to painful stimuli. We can begin to see with new eyes, and hear with new ears.

What if we ask Angry Teenager if life is fair? I think he/she would say “Heck no! All of these bad ole people running around in the world hurting me? I’ll kick their backsides! Nothing is fair and I won’t ever think different!” Angry Teenager pouts and throws temper tantrums. Angry Teenager is the one who plays the part of victim, and keeps you STUCK. Do you know anyone who sounds like this? Do YOU sound like this? You may have an actual angry teenager living in your house that sounds like this! Older people who still sound like this have a hurting little kid inside, and an Adult who is not doing their job (boundaries, nurturing, non-reactive voice, etc.)

What if we ask Adult? Mostly, I think Adults, truly in their “adult/inner parent” space, would say that yes, life is fair. It’s fair that all of us didn’t get what we needed. It’s a dog-eat-dog world…and all that. We come to a place of acceptance, at least to a degree. Continuing to think about it in terms of fair vs. unfair is dangerous though. I don’t want you to hear that you deserved the pain you got; and, the world does have evil in it. You and I just needed our pain, to grow. It is what it is. Who grows and changes when they are happy and content?

Here’s where we become ready to take the big step, then. When we move toward a more differentiated, responsible, truly mature adult position…(are you ready?)…we stop feeling the need to ask the question. We become de-enmeshed with the rest of the world and what it’s doing. We realize that the things that happen to us and around us are what we need to grow and learn. We accept them more fully and peacefully. We realize everyone is walking around in an adult body with a hurting kid and angry teenager inside, and most are unaware of it. We exude calm and grace, love and accept others, have good boundaries and healing so angry teenager becomes obsolete….we are able to truly connect with others and we are finally peaceful.

What do you think about fairness now? I hope you enjoyed reading! I would love to hear any comments you have on this topic. Thanks for stopping by!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

The Way You Make Me Feel

Feb 10, 2012 | Blog, boundaries, cut-off, enmeshment, family systems theory, making changes, Uncategorized

I had a client ask me one time, “Where does peace come from?” You see, I have a mug in my office that has a saying on it about peace, and I think it captures the feeling that most everyone that comes to therapy is looking for…it reads: “Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.”

We’re not so naïve as to think that there won’t be trouble or hard work in our lives. We know there will be. We don’t expect to always feel amazing and filled with joy, for our marriages to always be perfect, or to never have problems. Yet when these things happen to us, why do we let our peace be stolen?

If we believe a myth that our peace comes from our circumstances, we are precariously perched for pain and disappointment indeed. We are susceptible to all kinds of misery and joy, that is the nature of the human condition, but we will not be truly peaceful while we are doing either one if we believe that our peace is dependent on what is happening to us. Even when good things are happening in our lives, if we believe our contentment comes from what is going on externally, it will still elude us because we will still be trying to control how long the good stuff lasts, the same as we try to control how long the bad stuff lasts. We try to manage others and our environment instead of ourselves.

When my client asked me where peace comes from, my answer had several facets. I believe peace comes from letting go of the myth that I have more control than I actually do. I think peace comes from relinquishing the expectation that others can make me feel… feel bad or good or angry or sad or jealous or anxious. They can hold up the mirror to attachments or beliefs that I have that aren’t serving me very well, but the truth is that no one can make me feel anything without my cooperation.

I believe that peace cannot live inside me if I am overly focused on things I cannot change or things that may or may not happen. I believe that the acquisition of peace is a by-product of letting go of unhealthy attachments and beliefs. It comes after walking the valley of the shadow of death through my own deepest darkest places to the beautiful light at the other end of the tunnel. As Robert Frost would say, it is the road less traveled, and it truly does make all the difference.

I think of peace as the hallmark, the prize that one receives in their feelings when they are emotionally fit. Like being physically fit, working through emotional issues requires showing up, working out, practice, study, dedication, repetition, focus, motivation, and stamina. By the way, it also takes a truck-load of courage.

This process isn’t for the feint at heart. Many people go to a great deal of time, effort, and expense to AVOID working through this stuff. (That’s what addictions are, for example.) My question to you is, how bad do you want it? Real peace…is it worth the work, the time, the effort, all of it? I’ve taken many people on the walk to peace…well, sometimes it’s more like an army crawl through the mud, but we make it. I continue to walk it out myself every day and will continue to grow in this way for the rest of my life. That’s why I named my practice Peace Counseling Group. Would you like to join me and the others who have gone before you? It’s up to you, the quality of your relationships and how you feel for the rest of your life depends on you.

I hope you will join me, and those who work with me, on this amazing journey. Whomever shows up hungry will leave full of new ways to think about relationships and life. I want the best for all of our clients, life-long changes, not just bandaids. My colleagues and I are ready to go when you are.

Sincerely,

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW

Owner, Peace Counseling Group

If you have any further questions regarding our paradigm or our policies, please feel free to contact us via the contact page or call 317-605-7015. You may also check the FAQ page on this website.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Not How, But When

Jan 23, 2012 | Blog, family systems theory, making changes, Uncategorized

This week I want to post on an idea that I was discussing with Kathy Henry, LCSW in the waiting room. Well, actually we were eating lunch at my favorite nearby restaurant, but when the name of your blog is The Waiting Room, it just sounds better! Besides, my choice of this name for my blog was intended to mean things that are discussed about therapy that are outside the confines of the confidentiality of the therapy office, so this qualifies. Onward…

One of the most common questions asked in the therapy office is “How?” How do I let go of the shaming I was subjected to throughout my childhood? How do I work through my childhood sexual abuse wounds? How do I forgive my cheating spouse? How do I have good boundaries? How, how, how.

I have blogged before about ”dropping the pen.” This is a phrase coined by another mentor of mine who I quote often, Jerry Wise. To sum it up, it means that folks come in asking the therapist a question like (metaphorically) ”I’m holding this pen, and I want to drop it, can you tell me how?” and the answer is, “you already know or can understand how, it’s a matter of being ready to deal with what happens when you drop it.” So the question is not how, it’s “when will you be ready?”

Kathy and I were talking about a related subject over a casual business lunch. (You want to have lunch with a couple of therapists now, don’t you? Perhaps not, but I assure you, it was pretty interesting. Kathy rules.) She brought up a very good point…blog-worthy even. She talked about helping clients get away from the “hows” by encouraging them to stop intellectualizing their therapy. Wow, what a great point! She drove it home by asking me, “Did anyone tell you how to feel your way through your pain when you were working through your recovery? No, you felt your own way through it, and found the way that worked for you.”

Yep. She’s absolutely right. No one told me to go lay on my bed and cry from my toes when I needed to grieve my pain, no one told me to do an in-depth study on grace while I went through my divorce so I could leave without bitterness in my heart, no one told me what to bring to my therapy appointments to work on, and no one told me to do multiple Bible studies to work on learning to love myself and see myself like God does: worthy of love and boundaries; beautiful. Those were all KEY aspects of my recovery, and no therapist told me how, or what, to do. They only showed me the pain that I had closed-off from, and then told me to sit in it, (how annoying is that!) and work my way through it. As hard as that struggle was, and it was hard, it was exactly what I needed to do, and hear. I found my own “how.”

I think many times clients think that the therapist has some magic answer or list of things to do to make it all better, and they are purposefully keeping it from the client. I don’t think that’s what a therapist’s job is at all. Tools and to-do lists, I assure you, only prolong the agony…I know first hand what I’m talking about here. They have their place only after a very large chunk of heart work.

Further, those things that may have worked for me may not work for you. I think the therapist’s job is to hold up an unclouded, objective mirror, not the one you hold up for yourself, so you can see yourself more clearly. All of the things behind you that affect you and you don’t even know it…things that you have long-since hidden away, are used to, or deny…are still there. The point is you finding who you are, not finding who the therapist thinks you are; finding your own way, instead of the therapist’s way. The therapist is trained to shine the light, look objectively, and then hold up that clear mirror. They induce vomiting, and then hold your hair back while you puke your pain. A graphic analogy, I know, but that’s kinda what it feels like. (See another blog I wrote called ”Dude, Just Puke It“). Seems harsh, but it is actually a very loving act!

To put it another way, the key thing that I want to drive home here, was how important it was to realize that it wasn’t that I couldn’t find the way to drop my pen…it was realizing why I wouldn’t. Then it was a matter of fighting the battle of overcoming the obstacles of “won’t”. Why won’t I drop this pen? Why won’t I let myself heal from my childhood pain? What role does hanging on to the pain play inside me that keeps me feeling safe behind my walls, yet utterly miserable and alone? Woo. That’s a big one, Goose.

When you find yourself intellectuallizing your therapy and repeatedly asking that “how” question, work instead toward cultivating the connection between your head and your heart. Even when your head understands all of the insights you receive on the couch, if your heart can’t get the memo, it really doesn’t count for much. The real work is in that deep, beautiful, wounded, precious heart inside of you. It’s behind the doors you won’t open because it hurts too much to revisit them. This work takes courage. Locate the roadblocks between your intellect and your feelings. Smart is great, but you will eventually have to face the fear of feeling it.

There’s my schpeel for today. Thank you so much for your continued support!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Intentionally Counter-Intuitive

Oct 27, 2011 | Blog, boundaries, family systems theory

What? What the heck does that mean, right? That’s what I would like to discuss today. Grab a cup of coffee (I’m having Wild Mountain Blueberry, yummy!) and let’s get to it.

One of my many mentors, Jerry Wise, brought up this “Intentionally Counter-Intuitive” phrase to me not so long ago. I really had to stop and think about it. I had to break it down to understand…Intuitive…OK, that means like intuition, like what I would naturally be inclined to do in a given situation. This is what my feelings, reflexes, and gut would tell me to do. OK, I got that. Counter-, the opposite of my intuition. Got it. Intentionally…that means I’m going to do something on purpose, consciously, and by choice. So I’m going to purposefully and consciously choose to do the opposite of what my feelings and reflexes are telling me to do. Huh? Why would I do that? Aren’t I always supposed to follow my heart and go with my gut?

In systems thinking, all people are part of a whole system, and the system has grown accustomed to how each member is going to behave. In fact, if I change how I interact with the system, it will react strongly in the other direction at first to try to get me back to where I was. It can look very much like a 2 yr old throwing a temper tantrum. For example, if I have always given-in everytime my spouse tells me what to do, and then I one day choose to stand up for myself and not do what he/she tells me to do…my spouse is going to get very reactive and angry about that. He/she will over-react to get me to relent yet again and stay where I belong in the system.

So in order to make changes, I have to not only overcome the discomfort of changing what I’m doing inside of me, I also have to overcome the backlash of the system reacting to my changes and trying to keep me behaving the way I always have. See why real change is so difficult? That’s the bad news.

The good news is that if I hold firm in my changes by knowing myself and having the courage to stay the course and deal with any consequences of my changes, I can make the system adapt to the “new me.” Eventually the system can figure out that I’m not going to change back, and it will change to fit me. The parts of the system that don’t adapt to me will fall away, and although it can be painful, that’s a good thing. They are the parts that are keeping me miserable and hurting me. They need to either change or go away.

OK, so what does being intentionally counter-intuitive have to do with all of this? The energy in the systems we have in place now is being fed by doing what we’ve always done. It keeps the same dance going on and on. We act in these systems based on our wounds, our walls, and our coping strategies that we developed in childhood. Heal the wounds, drop the walls and replace them with strong boundaries, and learn more mature, differentiated ways of handling the same stimuli from the system, and what happens? Change. Not easy at first, but the changes within the system will come. There will be over-reactions, temper tantrums, and waves of influence to make you go back to the way you were, but if you persist, the change will come. That’s why I tell people that if your spouse won’t come to therapy, come by yourself anyway. Changes in one person will change the system.

The best way to rob energy from the system and encourage change is by being intentionally counter-intuitive. It is extremely difficult to do because it is contrary to what you’ve always done and it touches every fear inside. Jerry said that he will sometimes tell folks, if you can’t be counter-intuitive and do the opposite of what you’ve always done, go for confusion! When your buttons are getting pushed by your spouse or someone else, take out a copy of the Gettysburg Address and begin reading it! They won’t know what the heck to do with that! Isn’t that great? At least you have interrupted the status quo! By being able to stop the dance before it gains momentum, you can avoid the reactivity and pain of “the same old fight”. Then you can talk about things without some of the reactivity. (Don’t ignore it or rug-sweep it…get help if you need to, to talk about those touchy subjects.)

Knowing yourself well enough to be able to do this takes a lot of insight and practice. A great therapist with the ability to name your wounds and help you develop the strength to be intentionally counter-intuitive can help you walk the path to a changed system. It takes courage, vulnerability, teachability, trust, and motivation. Do you have the courage to fight for the rest of your life? No one can advocate for you but you. Open your heart to the possibility that the rest of your life can be different, on the inside: peaceful, happy, and alive! Lead your heart to healing instead of following it to the painful places where it has always gone. Intentionally. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Go for it!

Thanks for stopping by! Peace and blessings.

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.

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Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com