Marriage Killer

Mar 15, 2011 | abandonment, affairs, Blog, boundaries, codependency, divorce, family systems theory, forgiveness, infidelity, shame

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about victims. There really are true victims in this world, of course…people who have been negatively affected by the actions of others through no fault or no choosing of their own. People who died in the 9/11 attacks for example. No fault or choosing, they just went to work that day and their lives and the lives of their loved ones were changed forever. I think a lot of times, however, people can feel as though they have been victimized, not realizing that they really did have a choice. That’s the idea I want to challenge today.

Take couples where an affair has taken place, for example. Many times the spouse who was cheated on feels as though they have been victimized by their lyin’, cheatin’, backstabbin’, no-good louse of a spouse. This victimy mentality, that they had no fault or choice in this situation, is first of all, not the truth, and second of all…it’s nothing short of a marriage killer! This mentality will ensure that there is no reconciliation. Not only that, it will keep the would-be “victim” trapped in a painful, nightmarish personal hell, and will make them unable to forgive later, keeping them forever tied to the pain of the event.

This poisonous mentality doesn’t exist only with affairs, though. It can also be present in less obvious ways with more obscure painful events, but is still just as damaging and deadly to marriages. Some examples: perhaps a codependent wife feels victimized by her overbearing, self-centered, oblivious husband who verbally or physically abuses her. Maybe a voiceless husband feels smothered by his over-bearing wife. Folks that have shame issues feel like everyone else is to blame for what’s wrong in their life because admitting otherwise would be too painful to bear.

I would respond to this by first saying that if you are saying the words, “If HE would just…” or “If SHE would just…”, then you have at least some victimy feeling going on. You are being in one way or another….controlling. Sorry to be so blunt, but that’s the truth. You are objectifying the other person and trying to make them into what you think they should be/think/feel/do. This will keep you entrenched in a power struggle that is both counter-productive and extremely painful.

I would also be first in line to say that it is not OK for your spouse to be abusive, self-centered, oblivious, over-bearing, controlling, etc. It is painful and you have to have the self-control of good boundaries with people that are unsafe. That does not mean, however, that you have been victimized by them! To those of you who are married…no one held a gun to your head to force you to put someone who is so ill-equipped to meet your needs in charge of meeting them! You’re going to have to own the fact that you picked ‘em, and you continue to pick them. No one forced you to stay in this relationship until you are so filled with rage and resentment that you can hardly see straight and so filled with the pain underneath that you cry yourself to sleep every night. In fact…you chose this person sub-consciously to hurt you just like they have.

Blaming someone else for what has gone wrong in your life is all about walls and protection. If something actually is my “fault,” then I have to own it, change it, and worst of all….feel it. If I own my half of the problem, then I am admitting that “I did something wrong.” Particularly those partners with shame issues will have a very difficult time doing this. Their shame tells them that if they are found guilty of doing something wrong, they will no longer be accepted and loved. That what they were told growing up was true….that they weren’t good enough. That is very painful, (to the point where it literally feels like DEATH to your subconscious), to face. Their walls built to protect themselves will keep that from happening…instead they will come out, sometimes inside their own head and sometimes guns blazing, to blame anyone in their path for anything that happens that makes them feel that way. It could be any little thing that they perceive will signal someone to judge them. It’s not rational, the rational part of their brain is not the one running the show when they are doing it! It doesn’t make it any less real for them, or painful for you, though.

So you married someone who is going to hurt you the most. In fact, YOU YOURSELF WILL ENSURE they will hurt you by putting up walls and hurting them so they will hurt you back. That’s what love is to you. Sucks, doesn’t it! But think about how motivated to change you would be if you weren’t in pain….not very, right? How many people come to therapy because it’s so much fun? Zero. God, nature, the universe, whatever you want to call it…wants you to be healed and whole from the wounds you received as a kid. (This is not about blaming your parents for screwing you up, it’s about being real about what happened. Blaming is about shame, walls, and pain like I said.) We all marry people who will hurt us the way we were hurt as kids so that we will be in enough pain to work on it, heal it, and learn new skills where we are the weakest.

You have not been victimized. You chose the life you’ve led. You have 50% ownership of the relational problems, and you are just as unhealthy and unbalanced as your hurting spouse. Yes…you read that right….they are hurting too….under their angry exterior. See them for the wounded kid they are on the inside. Own your half, no more, and no less. Have good boundaries with those who are hurting you, ABSOLUTELY, but don’t believe for one second that it’s all the other person’s fault. It will kill any chances your marriage had, and will keep you inprisoned in your own pain.

Work on YOUR stuff, sweet ones. If you don’t, I guarantee you will either marry someone just like them and repeat the pattern again, or live out your days with a deep pain or unforgiveness that won’t go away.

Thanks for stopping by. I’ll write again soon.

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Effective Communication?

Feb 22, 2011 | Blog, codependency, cut-off, family systems theory, respect

Today I wanted to touch on a subject that comes up all the time when people call in for a therapy appointment: communication. More times than not, the people I talk to looking for help cite failure to communicate effectively as the major presenting problem in their relationships. Why is that, do you think? After all, these are intelligent folks who have good jobs where they communicate effectively all day, they communicated effectively enough to get into some sort of relationship, and most of them have been talking well enough for people to understand them for at least 25-30 years! What’s the deal?

I think the biggest problem with two well-meaning, smart, people trying to exchange information is their hearing. No, I’m not talking about being able to hear audible sounds per se, but the filters over our ears and eyes through which we translate the messages we are receiving. We all grow up with our own world views being shaped by the events of our lives and all of the things that happen to us growing up. We develop our own set of “truths” about what the world is like, and what the world isn’t like. Then we go out and find people to be in relationships with who will support and confirm our life-truths. Even the ugly ones that we don’t want to believe, and may even consciously think we DON’T believe, but really underneath we do. Things like “I’m not worth it”, “I’ll never be good enough”, or “I can’t trust anyone”.

Oddly enough, when we are grown, we feel awkward and uncomfortable when our self-truths are challenged, and we avoid those situations….even the good ones, and especially the good ones, that we say we want! Like someone who feels unworthy will feel uncomfortable around people who treat them as though they are! Let me give you some examples. Do you know anyone who feels completely uncomfortable receiving a heartfelt compliment? Underneath, they don’t feel worthy of praise and thanks. If I own a self-truth that says “I’m not worthy of a man who will love me for who I am, be faithful to me, and treat me with respect,” guess what? I’m going to marry a cheater who loves me for what I can give him, and who doesn’t respect me for it. That’s my normal, and that’s what love is. It’s my truth. We will choose to be in a relationship or marry someone not only capable, but who will for sure treat us the way our self-truth tells us we should be treated. In other words, if your spouse treats you badly in some way, look at your self-truths. Deep down, in your core, they will match. That’s why what they are saying or doing hurts you so much, they are re-injuring your deepest wounds, (and you are doing the same to them, by the way!). I’ve gotta tell you, too, they will absolutely keep doing so until you find a way to change the way you handle this situation, with good boundaries, true communication, and healing your own wounds!

See, being able to talk to each other so you can understand what each of you is trying to say is less of a problem than the way you hear each other through your own filters and issues. The discomfort of our partners continually affirming our deepest pains makes us unable to listen. Looking inward at the self-truths that lead you to pick someone who hurts you in just the right spots is the key to understanding, reducing reactivity, and really being able to hear what your partner is saying. Get to know yourself, so you can be heard. Then you can get to know your spouse by hearing what they are really saying instead of hearing your own issues talking.

Thanks for stopping by once again! Finals last semester and our office moving and school restarting after CHRISTmas has had me hoppin’, so I haven’t posted as much as I’d have liked. I’ll try to post a little more often!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Beware The Timeless Lizard

Oct 19, 2010 | Blog, family systems theory, fear, inner voice, Uncategorized

Imago Relationship Therapy (IRT) is based on the work of Harville Hendrix PhD., author of Getting The Love You Want, Keeping the Love You Find, and Giving the Love That Heals. For a simple definition of Imago Theory, try www.therapy4couples.com/imago-theory.html

I really find imago theory to be quite fascinating. It delves into and explains parts of the brain that we are not conscious of and how those parts of the brain can cause behaviors or exert control over us that we may not even be aware of: Why did he yell at me? Why did that situation make me break down and cry? Why did my friend, a seemingly sane person, chase their spouse around the room and punch a whole in the wall? The list really could go on and on.

So today, let’s talk about the brain for just a minute. It is totally complex and far from completely understood, and I’m far from an expert for sure, but let’s touch on a couple of the basics. There are actually three parts of the brain. The most primitive part is your hindbrain, which is your cerebellum, pons, and medulla oblongata. This is also known as your “lizard brain”, which stems from evolutionary terminology. This is the part of your brain that houses “fight or flight”, for example, and the basic instinctual stuff that keeps you alive: food, breathing and heart beat, body growth, and reproduction. It does it’s work subconsciously, and you may be surprised to know that it is also the most powerful, influential part of your brain!

The midbrain does its job automatically without our conscious thought as well. It is the second most powerful/influential part of your brain! (Did you notice that the two most powerful and influential parts of your brain do things that you are not even consciously aware of?) Among other things, the midbrain processes emotions and memories. I think the most interesting part about the mid-brain is that it is “timeless.” It can experience a memory or an emotion that happened years ago as though it were happening right this minute. This has tremendous implications for all of us. Think about it this way…do you remember how I’ve talked before about how people in relationships with us can hurt us the same way we were hurt when we were kids, and how if those wounds go unhealed, we will still be reactive to them? This is why. Our midbrain experiences those same pains and wounds as if they were happening the same moment as when we were kids. That’s what causes our over-reactions. Since the midbrain’s activities are subconscious, it also shows that we cannot control the emotions that arise for us. Keep that in mind as we move on…

The fore-brain is the part we all know and love the best…conscious thought. You guessed it, it is the weakest part of your brain! Explains a lot, doesn’t it? What kind of match is made with your fore-brain versus Lizard and Timeless? Not much. It can be taught, however, and it can have some influential power over the first two. It can make that which is unconscious, conscious, and it has SOME say-so over what, for example, comes out of our mouths. It takes a lifetime to begin to learn this art of influence over the other two brain areas, however. Since the other two are subconscious, many folks are just simply unaware that they are under their power, even though they are affected by them every moment of every day.

Now, doesn’t that make it easier to understand how seemingly sane folks can act so crazy sometimes? They are under the influence of the brawn of their brain: Timeless and the Lizard. Gotta be aware of the existence of that reptilian fella and his helper. We can use this knowledge to give us a new perspective on behavior, an enhanced understanding and awareness, of both our own and others’ behaviors. That’s what I like about imago theory. It accounts for all parts of the brain, and helps me understand things which look so unrational on the surface. It also helps me stop my own reptile-induced craziness (overreactions)! Lizards aren’t that bright, but they are powerful and can do serious damage! If I am aware of the timeless reptile, I can understand where my feelings are coming from and why they are so powerful. It also illuminates work yet to be done, and gives my conscious fore-brain a fighting chance to regain some semblance of control! And if not, I at least know why I was temporarily out of control. I was “under the influence.”

How’d you like that topic? I find this stuff pretty fascinating. I gotta give credit to one of my textbooks for helping me out (Rosemary Farmer’s, 2009, ”Neuroscience and Social Work Practice: The Missing Link”) and also a recent training I attended given by Dr. Bernard Baca, PhD. LCSW. You may visit his website at www.indiana-imago.com Off to do some more studying! Thanks for stopping by.

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

What Are You Ruminating About?

Sep 14, 2010 | Blog, family systems theory, inner voice

Today’s topic is about something that hit me while I was sitting in class the other day. The teacher said that she realized she had been “ruminating” about a visit with a client of hers for two days afterward. She just couldn’t get it out of her head and kept running it through her mind over and over. “Finally,” she said, “I looked at myself and said, ‘What’s going on inside me that’s causing me to ruminate over this for two days?’”

That struck me. Although the teacher did not answer herself in class, it sounded to me as though she began to realize that what was going on inside of her was not actually a problem she was having in dealing with a difficult client, but a pain inside of her. What was going on inside of her that made her unable to disconnect and let go from that situation?

I think we do this pretty often as human beings. We ruminate over problems or interactions with people that either are a source of conflict or that generate strong feelings. I think a lot of times what I historically do in this situation is look for the solution…how could I have handled that better, how could have the other person done something differently, etc. One looks outside of me, and one looks inside, only not very deeply. What I have failed to do in the past has been to look deeper inside of myself and see why this situation is churning me up so much. Instead of focusing on the situation or problem, I need to focus on my reaction to it, and the cause of that over-reaction.

It goes back to that family systems paradigm basic tenet that you must back up and look at the whole map so you can see what’s going on, instead of continually focusing on one small part of it. See the forest instead of the individual trees. I’m amazed at the paradox…how pulling away from something and looking at it from farther away (in other words, going into my own issues wider and more deeply) can bring the whole picture into sharper focus, and make the details all make sense.

What are you ruminating about? Is something proverbially “stuck in your craw”? Instead of looking at the other person, or pining over how you could have done it better, look for the cause of the discomfort inside of you. Why am I still thinking about this? What issues of mine does it illuminate? Where is the pain? Backing up from the details and looking at the whole picture will help. Getting an idea of the cause and understanding it will help lead you to healing those wounds.

That’s it for today. See you again soon.

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Making Sure The Next One is Mr/Mrs Right Pt 3

Aug 14, 2010 | Blog, divorce, dreams, family systems theory

What about if I’m married to Mr./Mrs. Can’t Meet My Needs? (I apologize for the length…we have a lot of ground to cover.)

“So,” you say, “I’ve decided I want to grow and be more balanced. I’ve searched and sought out a therapist and they are helping me achieve this. I’m working hard on myself, and it’s going well. There’s just one big, glaring problem: my marriage is getting worse! I’m starting to not be attracted to my spouse anymore, and I’m getting frustrated with them. I’m starting to believe you…. I think I really DID marry the guy/gal who couldn’t meet my needs like you said. The biggest problem now is, he/she refuses to change! I’ve finally figured out what my needs are and now realize my spouse is incapable of meeting them?! It’s not fair! I don’t want to get a divorce, but I don’t want to give up my newfound and ever improving emotional balance either because I know it’s helping me on the inside. Even some of my other key relationships are changing and having more friction. Now what? I thought therapy was supposed to help make my life and my marriage better!?!”

Before we go any further, promise me you’ll read the whole blog, and not quit in the middle. There may be some things in here that can be taken wrong if you don’t understand the whole picture. If this fits you, it will also not be a fun read, and you’ll want the good news at the end. One last caveat…brace yourself. I am about to be painfully blunt! It is meant as a loving act on my part. I will always tell the truth, even if it hurts; and if it hurts, you needed to hear it.

First, let me tell you that it is not unusual at all for things to get worse before they get better when starting therapy. You will need to trust the process and see it through. What therapists and clients are doing in therapy is affecting changes. Do you know a lot of people who love change? It’s uncomfortable. It requires thought and time and effort. Many people who come to therapy know that there need to be changes, but don’t want to know that it is not going to be easy, or that they themselves have to change, too. Many are just looking for a “to-do list”. That approach, or one that says “let’s try to put our heads together and figure out what you guys need to do about your problems” will never work. Not long term.

It’s important to remember that in systems thinking, the system will always try to maintain the balance it has. The systems you are in will always try to keep everything the same. If one person changes, the system has to change to balance itself, and everyone and everything in the system will buck the changes every time.

Next, when a couple comes in for marriage therapy, there should be a big warning label on the door. It should say: “Warning: You Are About To Enter A Life-Changing Truth Zone: Changes Could Be Dangerous and Hazardous to Your Current Way of Living and Relating to People.” If you saw such a thing on your therapist’s door, would you still go in? Answer honestly…if you knew your life and relationships would never be the same again, would you sign up? If you can answer yes to this question, I know two things about you:

One, you are in tremendous pain in your current relationship(s). People don’t walk into a therapy office if they aren’t in a lot of pain. Therapy is expensive, it asks for vulnerability with a stranger for pete’s sake, and most of the time the therapist wants to talk about what hurts most in your life. Who would willingly walk into THAT if everything weren’t so bad?
Two, if you said yes absolutely honestly, humbly looking into your own heart, you will be an excellent client. You will get a lot out of therapy. You are significantly motivated to make the necessary and usually painful changes to make your life all it can be. You also trust the therapy process and have made a commitment to listen and be teachable.

Let’s talk to and about Mr/Mrs Can’t Meet My Spouse’s Needs for a minute. Sometimes people will say yes to therapy, but they can be unaware that they are doing it for the wrong reasons. A lot of times the reason a spouse comes to therapy is to have their sweetie “fixed” or because they want to be able to say that they tried therapy before they give up. They say, “I’m happy, it’s my spouse that’s upset and having the problems with the marriage.” In this case, they are motivated for the changes therapy will bring, as long as the changes are not being made in themselves. If these words came to your mind when thinking about marital therapy, let me enlighten you gently but firmly….if one of you has a problem, you both have a problem!

If you think your spouse is the one that needs to be fixed, you are in denial of your own issues. The prospects for your marriage surviving long term with no changes in that attitude are slim and none, Sparky! Take a look in the mirror, and decide if your marriage is worth admitting that you need to make changes too. If the answer is still “I don’t need to make any changes”, stay home and don’t waste the therapist’s or your sweetie’s time. Use the time to apartment hunt instead. It will be a better use of everyone’s time.

Was that too blunt for you? If you got reactive to that, take it as a cue that you needed to hear it. It is my impression that the attitude that one’s spouse needs to do all the changing takes a proverbial 2×4 to the head! If you believe you don’t have changes to make in your unhappy marriage, only your honey needs to change, you need a blunt wake-up call! I say these things not to be hurtful or cruel, or to pick on you, but because I care so deeply about helping you not only save your marriage but begin to heal yourself! I want to help you get what you need from therapy, too.

If your spouse gets into therapy and starts getting healthier without you, you need to sit up straight and pay attention! See, if you stay right where you’re at, unchanged, your honey is not going to be attracted to you anymore eventually because his/her issues and level of emotional balance won’t match yours anymore. You can get healthier with him/her or he/she will start getting healthier without you. Did I say it straight-out enough to wake you up? I hope so! I’m telling you the truth to help you figure this out before it’s too late! It’s the only hope of saving your marriage. I’ll let you in on a little secret here, too: if you figure this stuff out and get healthier yourself with him/her, you will have a marriage that is better than either one of you could have dreamed possible. Growing together is the key.

OK, now, back to the one who thinks it’s “not fair” that they married the guy/girl who couldn’t meet their needs. If you’re married to the person who holds fast to not changing themselves, you’ll need to eventually accept the fact that you cannot change him/her. They have to decide for themselves, you can only change yourself. It is a difficult and painful realization to accept that your sweetie cannot or will not change. The only chance you have to get them motivated to change with you is to continue to pull away and hope they follow you, and start working on themselves before it’s too late. If they don’t, you’ll have to continue to move on. You can lead a horse to the water, but you cannot make it drink. You can, however, rest in the promise that your continued pursuit of balance and growth will lead you to a more peaceful, fulfilled life whether it’s with them or without them. You will eventually grow into the person you were created to be, with a healed heart.

Marriage takes two, folks. Two people working, admitting, apologizing, nurturing, talking, and all other kinds of “-ings”. If one person overfunctions in the relationship, the other is underfunctioning. Eventually this system will wear itself out. The overfunctioner will get tired; it’s not a matter of if, it’s when. If the other person, the underfunctioner, is not willing to learn to function better, I’m sorry to tell you that the long-term prospects for your relationship do not look good. It’s fair. You chose them in your own state of unbalance. Own your choices. You are not a victim. Remember, the sweetheart you fell for in your youth complimented your issues as they were then, and you chose them to love…and to love you. No one held a gun to your head while you said “I do.”

If you pull away from them as you change, they have the choice to move toward you to keep balance, or not. If they don’t, you will continually move not only away from them, you will eventually move on without them. Keep in mind, the system you have created for yourself will not like your changes. It will fight against them to maintain the status quo. If you’ve shown up at a therapy office, the status quo sucks though, doesn’t it? You have to be ready for and accept the risks of growing. The system you are in, with your spouse, kids, family members etc. will resist the changes. Changes are dangerous and scary. You have to be ready for the consequences of changing the balance.

You also have to be ready for what will happen inside you if these consequences come to pass. What if your husband/wife won’t make whatever changes you need them to make? As we discussed, growth in you will make this situation intolerable. After this happens, though, you will have to face any illusions you might have had about your relationship and see them for what they have been. For example, you may have to face the death of your dreams of “living happily ever after.” Your future may not turn out the way you had planned or hoped. Nobody dreams of divorce. Nobody dreams of being a single-parent. Some of the things that may happen may be hard to swallow. I can tell you one thing: you have to be ready for them. When you are ready, you will move forward, and not a moment before. (Hopefully your spouse will move with you, but they may not. Remember, sometimes the catalyst for clarity of thought comes when one is laying in a gutter, having lost everything. And if it doesn’t come then, it isn’t coming.)

Now the good news. Whew, huh? I was pretty hard on ya’ll today. I gave you a BIG dose of reality to look at. Growth and change is dangerous. The good news is this: if both of you come into the therapy office with the idea that you both have issues, and each one of you is going to have to work on your own issues as best you can, be open to what the therapist shows you, be motivated to have a better marriage and be more balanced all around and stick with it…your marriage and all of your relationships will someday soon begin to flourish. I’m not going to blow sunshine up your skirt and tell you it will be fast and easy, because it won’t. Lasting change takes time! We’re talking about undoing a lifetime of learned responses! It will be worth it though, and you will have the best marriage and healthiest relationships you could try to imagine. It takes two in a marriage, but if you both approach healing your own individual issues (illuminated by your relationship with each other) with an open heart, it will be the best, most worthwhile decision you ever made, and the best adventure you could take together. That’s a pretty good promise, great news indeed, and you can take that one to the emotional bank!

There you go. That’s what I have for you today. I told you I was verbose on this subject! I hope if you are considering therapy or are already in the middle of it that you will show up with the openness and humility that will make your experience amazing and life-changing; and if your spouse won’t come with you, that you will have the courage to not settle for mediocrity or worse in your life and relationships. You can do it, I know you can. It’s your life, make it a great one!

See you next time, thanks for sticking with me by reading all the way to the end!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Making Sure The Next One is Mr/Mrs Right Pt 2

Aug 13, 2010 | abandonment, Blog, family systems theory, inner voice

So, we left off on the cusp of a couple of pretty big questions and their answers. No more waiting…let’s get right down to business.

To recap, our girl Kim has some intimacy issues. She has an allergy to intimacy with someone in her family of origin (more than likely a primary caregiver or sibling), and she therefore has an allergy to intimacy within herself as well. We learn to talk to and treat ourselves the way we were treated growing up. Think about the voice that is your thoughts inside your own head. Does it sound like your mother or father? What about how you treat your own pain-filled heart? Do you ignore it with a thought that says “I don’t have time to deal with that” or “if I ignore it, it will go away.” Perhaps you silence it with addictions or cutting off some other way. Whatever the case, we learn what we’ve lived, and that’s how we treat ourselves. It is our normal.

I also wanted to point out here that everyone, absolutely everyone, has some level of intimacy allergy. They are our psychological walls that we create for protection. Issues of some kind are inevitable in everyone. It’s the nature of growing up in a sinful world. As we grow and mature emotionally, however, we are actually able to tolerate more and more true intimacy. (I’m talking about emotional intimacy, of which physical intimacy is only a part.) Our walls become more permeable, or come down altogether when we don’t need them anymore.

So, back to Kim. She wants to pick Mr. Right this time, and not another Mr. Wrong, right? When Kim goes out in her state of loneliness, with unaddressed issues since her last relationship ended, and tries to find someone with whom she can curb her lonely feelings, she will be attracted to someone who is not able to *in a long-term manner* meet her needs! (He will be able to do so short-term because of enmeshment). She has an unbalance in herself so she will (sort of subconsciously) only be attracted to someone who fits her issues of inner-unbalance. If you think about it like a teeter-totter…to the degree that Kim is unbalanced in herself on any given issue, she will only be attracted to someone who fits her level of unbalance, in whatever areas or issues she is askew.

Sounds a little crazy, doesn’t it? We aren’t attracted to those who can meet our needs, we are attracted to those who, underneath, inherently can’t meet them. Believe it, it’s the absolute truth. It stinks, but it is nature’s way of healing itself, and making sure we work on our issues. We will only be attracted to those who “fit” our issues, and our unbalances. So if Kim has an allergy to intimacy within herself, who will she attract, and who will she be attracted to? She will attract someone who “loves” the way she’s used to, and how she loves herself…someone who is not good at intimacy. That’s what love is to her.

It’s the law of attraction; you can’t fight it, and you can’t trick it. You will simply not feel any attraction for someone who does not match you in emotional balance. You won’t feel “a spark” for them. No chemistry. You’re attracted to who you’re attracted to, and if you’re attracted to them, that person WILL fit your issues! Change your issues, or balance the teeter-totter, so to speak, into a more level position inside yourself, and you’ll change who you’re attracted to.

So Kim, if she hasn’t dealt with or changed her balance of issues since her last relationship, is innately attracted to someone who treats her “normally.” HER normal. Her abandonment-filled, non-intimate, harsh, uncaring or unfeeling “normal”…how she is inside her own skin and matching her own unbalance. The normal of how she was treated by her caregivers growing up. It’s absolutely amazing how the brain works to pick people out who have their “teeter-totters” in like positions that complement our own, and picks them out to be attracted to and love. Works every time. Have you ever noticed that folks who break up or get divorced, if they don’t learn from it, end up marrying the exact same kind of person with a different face? That’s why! They haven’t changed themselves so they will be attracted to the same issues all over again.

This is the paradox that will help your intimacy allergy (among other issues) the most…the more comfortable you are in your own skin, the more you can differentiate yourself from others and develop a humble acceptance of who you are at a core level, the less of an intimacy allergy you’ll have. Seems backwards, right? It works every time though. It’s a balance…balancing distance and closeness with others. Get closer to your true self, and you’ll be able to get closer to others.

Now let’s look at the difference if Kim DOES address her issues before she looks for another relationship. What if Kim started to care about herself and make her own needs a priority? What if she stopped abandoning herself? What if she accepted herself, faults and all? What if she worked to grieve and accept her pains from her past, instead of ignoring them? What if her thoughts about herself became affirming instead of shaming? Do you think she would be attracted to or tolerate someone treating her in a way that she has worked so hard to overcome in herself?

If Kim begins to honor her own needs regularly, getting whole meals of attention from others and herself, will she continually accept crumbs of attention and a lack of intimacy from her would-be significant other? I doubt it. Not only that, changes in her subconscious (sort of) will automatically shift her attraction. An abandoner or someone who’s not very good at intimacy won’t “fit” her anymore. She’ll also have her eyes way more open to her new man’s issues. By looking inward for balance and healing her own wounds inside, she ensures that she will not pick another Mr. Wrong. She needs to remember that he will still be Mr. Imperfect, that’s just realistic because we’re all imperfect. If she’s more balanced, though, she will choose someone more balanced to love and to love her, and not Mr. Wrong all over again.

So the point of all this is: if you want to make sure you don’t pick Mr. Wrong the next time, figure out yourself and heal your own issues! Find your balance. It’s not about finding a guy who isn’t “screwed up.” If you’re unbalanced, you won’t fall for a balanced guy anyway, and he won’t fall for you. It’s all about “unscrewing up” yourself so you’ll be attracted to a more balanced Mr. Right! If he matches you, he’ll be attracted to you, too.

That’s long enough for today. I have a part three to this series brewing…what happens if I’m already married to the person who is unable to meet my needs, but I grow and get more balanced and he/she doesn’t? Now I’m more balanced and they’re not, and the attraction is fading. What then?

Tune in again next week for part 3 of this mind-bending puzzle!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com