Making Sure The Next One is Mr./Mrs. Right Pt. 1

Aug 5, 2010 | abandonment, Blog, codependency, divorce, family systems theory, grace, self-care

This is going to be a two- or three-part blog, because I am feeling verbose on this subject! I’ve been inspired! One post just isn’t going to cut it.

I’ve mentioned before that I’m a fan of Family Systems Theory. Thankfully for me, I work with a group of pretty salty family systems therapists! They are all kind enough to mentor me, and keep me on course with the development of my craft. One of the therapists on staff has dedicated years of study to deepening his understanding and practice of this particular paradigm; I’ve spoken of him before, Jerry Wise. He has a blog too, and we were discussing a post of his about abandonment and a question he was asked about it, in the waiting room the other day. Something he said is totally turning my mind to gooey gray matter this week, as he’s been known to do before!

Remember how we were discussing the map, and seeing the whole map of our issues all at once, and how sometimes thinking counter-intuitively can help pinpoint the problem, which may be far away from what is causing the symptoms in our relationships? (See post “Family Systems, A Tiny Morsel”) That is family systems stuff through and through. Today’s topic is no different. Jerry and I were talking about abandonment, like I said, and specifically the symptom of loneliness. Fair enough, I thought. If you’re abandoned, you’re probably lonely, right? And loneliness itself isn’t the problem, it’s a symptom of a deeper issue. OK, I’m trackin…so far so good.

Then he said that if you have the symptom of loneliness, the core issue you really have, the root problem causing it on the other side of your issue map, is really an “allergy to intimacy.” Hold the phone there, Bub. If someone’s lonely, isn’t what they really want some good intimacy? How could someone who’s lonely really be allergic to intimacy? You lost me with that one. Stick with me though, I’m going to try to explain what he said as simply as possible…how I understand it. Let’s talk about it in example form, for ease in understanding’s sake. Let’s call our lonely, abandoned girl Kim.

Kim has had some relationships that have ended painfully, and more than anything she doesn’t want to have another failed pairing; but she also knows that she feels lonely for a romantic relationship. Understandable, right? It’s normal and natural to want a close personal relationship, emotionally, physically, etc. And I would interject here that simply wanting a relationship is not a problem in itself. But our girl Kim really wants a relationship because she’s experiencing the symptom of loneliness, and she needs to soothe her feeling of loneliness with another person.

Would you think that what Kim really has going on is an allergy to intimacy? Probably not. I sure as heck didn’t see that one coming, and I gave Jerry a really confused look when he said it. Huh? Here’s how he explained it to me. If Kim has the symptom of loneliness, and she is longing for another (hopefully healthy, balanced this time) person to fill the loneliness, somewhere on her map of issues she is underfunctioning in, or has an allergy to, intimacy. Is your face twisted and contorted like mine was yet? Eyes squinting? Little head scratching, perhaps? Stay with me…

Kim, out of her own issues, is still looking to someone else to fill her up. In this way she is overly-needy. In some way she is unable to find fulfillment in herself, and/or she may have an intimacy or under-closeness/over-closeness problem with her parents or siblings. If you’re tracking that train of thought, the next question that naturally comes is, “How does someone have an allergy to intimacy inside themselves? Does an intimacy problem in my family of origin, (people that I hardly ever see anymore even perhaps,) still affect me? (YES!) And what does an allergy to intimacy look like, and how does one fix it?” I admit, it’s kind of a tough sell to someone who says they crave intimacy, and especially if they may be over-functional in their level of ability to have intimacy with other people. The point is, if there is loneliness for intimacy, somewhere on the map we’ll find an intimacy allergy…a place where Kim is under-functional, intimately. Let’s take a swing at answering those questions:

Let me ask you this way, and see if it helps shed some light on it…where do you think Kim is abandoning herself? A closer look at someone like Kim will probably show that she is too other-centered. Maybe she doesn’t have good self care. Perhaps she has a hard time forgiving herself for imperfections or mistakes, and she shames herself and feels she isn’t good enough. Maybe she makes caring for everyone else more important than making sure she’s taken care of, too. When her hurting little girl on the inside cries out in pain, she in effect ”shushes” her. In any or all of these ways, she abandons herself. She’s not in-tune to her own needs, and ignores them.

So how does Kim fix this imbalance? Like 12-steppers would say…the first step is admitting you have a problem, right? True that! She needs to recognize she has an allergy somewhere. She needs to see her own unbalance, instead of concerning herself with over-scrutinizing potential mates! She needs to learn to have better boundaries. She needs to learn to give herself grace, listen to herself and take care of her own needs, and address her shame issues. These are all things that work to resolve and heal your childhood pain and make your psychological walls more permeable. Kim also needs to see where her expectations fo
r relationships are unhealthy. This is all stuff that happens in therapy!

Now then…how does all of this play into who she will choose as a future (hopefully) Mr. Right? Will she be attracted to another Mr. Wrong no matter what? Is there real hope to be had for a future, healthy relationship? Tune in next time for the answers to these most intriguing questions!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.

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Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

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nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

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Family Systems Theory, A Tiny Morsel

Jul 12, 2010 | abandonment, Blog, cut-off, family systems theory

One of the therapists I work with, and who also has a blog (see link at the bottom of this page), is Jerry Wise. I call him “Yoda” because “the Jedi force” is strong with him! He has an uncanny, and sick (in a totally impressive way), skill for putting his finger right on the heart of an issue. Mad skills, I tell you. While each of the therapists here at Family Tree are totally gifted, each in their own styles and techniques, I bring up Jerry today because he has a lot of experience with family systems theory, first introduced by Murray Bowen in the late 60′s and early 70′s, and because his blog happened to inspire me today.

I have found family systems theory to be an absolutely fascinating paradigm, so much so that I actually study it and read about it in the little free time I have! It really is a different way to approach individual, marital, and family issues. I find it many times to be paradoxical to what one would normally think. Jerry would say that it can be helpful to think “counter-intuitively”, or from the other side of what seems to be a more straight-forward solution. For example, say a couple comes in reporting that they feel distant from each other, disconnected. While a straight-forward solution would say “well then let’s find a way to get you two closer to each other”, a family systems approach might say “well then, we’ve got to find out where you two are over-close!” See? It sounds backwards, doesn’t it? What’s amazing is how often it’s right on the money! That’s what is so interesting to me.

I read a book a couple of years ago called “Mating In Captivity” by Esther Perel. It seemed to me to be pretty much like 8 hours worth of sex therapy. It was really interesting, and what I found so unusual was how much I learned about myself and my issues that really had nothing to do with sex. This same concept of how over-closeness can cause distance was addressed in her book as well. She talked about how too much closeness outside the bedroom can lead to a lack of passion inside it. Counter-intuitive, see?

There can be many different reasons far away from the symptom that’s presenting itself that are really the root cause of problems in our relationships. Emotional cut-off from one’s spouse could be caused by having an unhealthy, negativity-based form of enmeshment with a parent, whether they ever see the parent anymore or not. The parent could have even passed away and the emotional processes could still be effecting the adult-child in their present day relationships. Abandonment in childhood could still be causing over-neediness or over-reactivity that can smother/damage a marriage.

Systems theory is about taking the laser focus off of one little area (symptom) of the map of your system, and zooming it out to get a glimpse of the bigger picture. Think about it this way for example, if you wanted to look at a large map, but could only view one square inch of it at any given time, how difficult would it be to find the best way to go? How much easier is it to see what’s all on the map if you can see the whole map all at the same time? Looking at the symptoms in a relationship is too narrow a view. The solution may be on the other side of the map, but it will not only be difficult or impossible to see, but also to navigate to, unless you look at if from a bigger picture type of standpoint.

I’ve come to learn that this paradigm is not something you can learn in a week-long seminar or from a textbook or two, or ten! In fact, one can learn a whole lot about it from books etc., and still not be skilled in implementation, or in seeing others’ maps with a wide angle lens enough to guide them. It takes a long time to master, and an absolutely crucial knowledge of oneself to be able to help others in this way. I’m working on it!

Even if you don’t take the time to become a family systems Yoda, each of us can take away nuggets of knowledge from it: like an understanding that our partner may not be able to be emotionally deeply connected with us, not because of something we have done or not done or because we’re bad, but because of their own past/issues/map. That creates understanding, and takes the pain and reactivity away from someone who is cutting-off from us. Or, it can show that one partner is over-reacting to the other getting home 15 minutes late not because they’re unreasonable or nuts, but because they have abandonment that they don’t understand yet. Understanding these things has tremendous power to affect massive changes in a troubled relationship. It takes away the insinuation and forthcoming pain that we take personally, or internalize, from the behaviors of others, that is not really personal or having anything to do with us at all. It also illuminates the wound itself for treatment instead of just treating the symptoms.

There’s my 2 cents for today. I’m sure I’ll blog more about family systems again sometime, although I am nothing more at this point than a young Padawan! (Jedi wannabe) It is the basis of our paradigm at Family Tree, and of great interest to me personally, so I’m sure I’ll chat about it more. If it interests you, bookmark Jerry’s blog too! Thanks for stopping by!

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