What can we control during the COVID-19 pandemic?

Apr 9, 2020 | Blog, fear, Kristen, self-care

Wow. Just wow. COVID-19. Just saying it, speaking it, seeing it written, it strikes fear in many of us, anxiety in some, terror in others, grief in still others, or even a combination of more than one emotion in many of us. Sometimes there are no words to make things better, sometimes there isn’t anything I can say, or think to say that will make life seem like it’s a little bit easier, a little bit brighter. We are all having to come to terms with COVID-19 and what is going on around the globe right now. We are in a perpetual state of living in the unknown. This is something many of us humans go about attempting to avoid. We try to control, or predict, the world around us to the best of our abilities. Now, this doesn’t make it so, but it does give us the illusion that we have control at least in our little corner of the world.

Today I want to share some ways to help us lessen the trauma we are all going through during this COVID-19 pandemic. I was watching a video the other day by Bessel van der Kolk (2020), a leading trauma expert in our world right now, where he shared several tips about how to lessen the trauma we are experiencing with COVID-19 and I’d like to pass along some of that information to you.

First things first, COVID-19 makes it apparent that we hardly control anything, other than ourselves; and even that is sometimes. Okay, now, that that piece is out of the way; what can we control?

We can control if we keep moving by exercising, going for a walk, using an at-home workout app, some places even have virtual workout classes so we can get some socializing in too!
We can control if we meditate or pray. There are many apps for meditation or prayer. I like the Calm app for meditation (there are a couple of free meditations), but there are other apps out there too. Find what works for you!

We can control if we attempt to have a routine, but a routine with balance! Routine is great for kids too. Place a routine somewhere that everyone can see it. I did this for my kiddos who can’t read yet and added pictures with the words, so they can look at it and know what to expect. Obviously this COVID-19 has turned our worlds upside down, so having a sense of routine can help us have a little bit of predictability, while knowing it doesn’t have to go perfectly because nothing in this world is perfect. Even our day at work, if planned, doesn’t go completely as planned every day. Sometimes things will pop up during our workday, like an emergency meeting, or someone popping into your office to chat, and the same thing happens when we work from home, just in different ways. It’s okay if we end up distracted for 15 minutes by doing dishes, or taking a 15 minute walk, we do those things naturally at work, and just because we are at home now (for most of us) doesn’t mean we can’t take breaks.

We can control if we have time to play together as a family, while also remembering to take time for ourselves. Both are equally important even when we aren’t in a pandemic. We can play family board games, cards, play outside in our yards, etc. If you aren’t with loved ones, or are quarantined, you can still meet virtually. What a great time to have electronics at our disposal! There are even ways we can play games together or watch TV together.
We can control if we notice our own feelings and allow those feelings to move through us. We cannot control our loved ones and their feelings, as much as we may want to right now! Often this noticing happens when we are having time to ourselves.
We can control reminding ourselves that this is a season in our lives. We will eventually be back together in person again. We just don’t know when yet. Knowing that this season has an end is helpful because it tells our brain that there is an end and something else to look forward to. It’s like when we anticipate spring weather by the time March rolls around for us here in Indiana.

We can control if we reach out when we are struggling. Please reach out to someone sooner rather than later. If you are struggling, call a therapist, if needed, many are offering secure virtual sessions or phone sessions as we go through this season. And if you are in an unsafe situation, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255, or text the Crisis Text Line at 741741 (all the above resources are available 24/7).

Finally, try to offer yourself some grace and compassion as we all grapple with the pandemic of COVID-19. It is important to know that if you are unable to do these things above, that’s okay too. Please try not to be too hard on yourself. In times like these, no one really knows what is best and we are all doing the best we can to survive moment to moment.

Thank you for reading!

Reference:

van der Kolk, Bessel. (2020). Steering Ourselves and Our Clients Through New & Developing Traumas. [Video File]. Retrieved from: https://catalog.pesi.com/sq/bh_001345_body_keeps_the_score_freeevent_email_sq-117963?utm_medium=email&utm_source=sp&utm_campaign=033120_bh_c_rt_BesselFREE_LiveWebcast_1pm_throttled&spMailingID=32093977&spUserID=MTY4OTgzMDMxMjYyS0&spJobID=1664874961&spReportId=MTY2NDg3NDk2MQS2

The Fear of Failure

Apr 29, 2018 | Blog, divorce, fear, Kristen

Failure, what a weird, small word that packs a powerful punch to the gut. I mean a sucker punch to the gut that knocks us completely off our feet. When we want to try something, but worry about ‘what if it fails”…and we are completely crushed. We can’t move, can’t get out of bed, don’t know what to do next. I don’t know about your gut, but my gut hates thinking about failure, or really the fear of failure. I’m thinking about this because I have started thinking about taking this journey towards being in private practice now that we have been open for one year. I am facing some fears most of us face when we are in any profession or relationship. We may fall flat on our face, but many of us, don’t think that we could also fear success, that we might not fail, or maybe someday I might fail when I’m entrenched in my profession. Failing doesn’t mean I am not worthy of being treated with respect, or that I am not valuable. Failure simply means, I am in a place to learn and grow from this experience. Thinking about it in those terms does not come easy, especially when it feels like I am going to DIE in those moments. You have thoughts of, “WHAT? You expect me to, what?? Learn? I am only trying to make it to the next hour today.” I am here to say, yes, but it is a process. A process of being willing to look into that abyss of fear and failure and still having the courage to take that leap (A GIANT LEAP), knowing that there is actually a bottom to the abyss. The courage it takes to make that leap is not something anyone else can tell us about or something anyone else can do for us. Sometimes we are so crippled, we can’t even get to the edge of that cliff to make the leap beyond fear.

What we can do for each other is support one another through that process and ask the questions that we are either afraid to ask, or don’t even see. For example, we might be at a fork in the road about whether to take a job or not, whether to leave our spouse or not, whether to leave/stay in a profession. Questions in those moments can be, which way seems easy in the moment? “If I just divorce my spouse, I’ll be happy, we’ll be happy,” “if I just get a different job, I’ll be happy,” “if I just don’t drink and drive, I will be happy.” These thoughts may be what is needed, but what if it’s fear holding us back from taking that leap to where I can be happy in my marriage, I can be happy in my job, I can be happy with myself? All of these questions swirl around the abyss, keeping us from seeing the bottom and how far our fall may actually be if we don’t reach the other side. The harder in the moment decisions are the ones that require work put into ourselves, into our relationships, into our jobs, requiring courage to take that leap across (and yes, I am talking about a leap across a black abyss we can’t see the bottom of yet).

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Man, oh man, how we wish someone could just tell us what to do in those moments, but the reward for making that decision on our own gives part of that inner feeling of peace, meaning our gut is no longer churning, that sucker punch doesn’t keep us from breathing, and we can see the bottom of that abyss, even if our world is crumbling around us. We can overcome that fear. It doesn’t always happen alone. Sometimes we need help to see through the fog of questions to see what is really going on, but once we do, the view is amazing and we are not necessarily no longer scared, but we are ready to take the leap across, and sometimes we find that the fall isn’t as far as we feared and we can breathe again, we can stand again, we can move, we can leap.

How about you? Are you ready to take that leap? Do you want peace in your marriage? Do you want peace with yourself? If so, what would happen if you braved the fear of failure? Took that leap? Remember, it doesn’t have to be done alone. Call if you would like help through the process.

The Secret Garden

Jun 8, 2014 | abandonment, anxiety, Blog, boundaries, codependency, counterdependency, cut-off, enmeshment, fear, inner voice, making changes, Uncategorized

It feels so good to be blogging again! I have brewed myself a cup of Wild Mountain Blueberry coffee and I’m curled up with my iPad, a blanket, and a kitty laying by me…ready to indulge in something I have been away from for far too long…writing about my passion!

Today I want to talk about the garden of the heart. ”The secret garden” has been heralded in literature, poetry, and song. I love the mental picture of having a beautiful garden in my heart. One of my favorite quick prayers that I breathe when I am feeling strong emotions is “Dear God, please tend to the garden of my emotions.” There is an inherent calm and rest conjured by the image of a lovely garden, particularly with God as the Master Gardener. It helps me remember the beauty that is possible inside of every person. There is a secret garden inside of you, too.

I think this imagery is also a wonderfully analogous way of viewing all kinds of things going on inside of our feelings/heart. Is your garden well pruned, healthy, and thriving; or is it in need of care and a good weeding? Have you spent time on the landscaping, or does it grow wild with any manner of flower or thistle? Do the plants produce wonderful fruit for you and others, or do you emotionally and spiritually go hungry? Do you visit there often, or try to ignore it? Is it growing and alive, or dying and barren?
Maybe you’ve given away portions of your land in the name of acceptance from others. If you have, you can feel it. It feels like not having room to breathe and relax because you have so much to do for everyone around you. Each person is healthily entitled to their own relational space. Many times people will give up portions of who they are and the space they need to exist so that others will believe they are a good person, for example. This is one of the main characteristics of relational enmeshment. The easiest definition of enmeshment is “I’m OK if you think I’m OK.” Now we’re enmeshed…my feelings of peace on the inside are now dependent on you and what you think of me. I’ve just given away some of my power, or my garden, for your cooperation in treating me like I matter and that I’m good. This is co-dependency.

On the flip side of the coin, there is emotional distancing or cutoff. Those who fear enmeshment back away from would-be “enmeshers”. They take pieces of others’ gardens to give themselves enough space to feel safe. If you have taken others’ land, you can feel it, too. It feels like constantly monitoring and managing the feelings and perceptions of others. It offers the illusion of control against the attempted enmeshment of others. Folks that operate this way take on the real estate of anyone who will give it up, and many-times will withhold love and acceptance to get more. This is counter-dependency.

Neither one of these gardening methods are “worse” than the other. They are both equally unbalanced. One is based on a fear of abandonment (“Take my power, strength, self, whatever…anything but leaving me!”), and the other is based on a fear of shame (“Stay back, because if you get to close to me, you will find out how unlovable I really am.”). If you take each one a step deeper, they mirror each other. If someone leaves me, I must be unlovable; and if I’m unlovable, of course they will leave me. This fear in our hearts is the driving force for all manner of controlling and manipulative behaviors that make us emotionally unsafe for one another. Both sides are controlling and manipulative…equally unbalanced, equally reactive. (For more on this, read another one of my blogs: “Two Sides Of The Same Coin”). This fear is represented in our gardens as weeds. The fear, like a weed in a garden, has to be destroyed in order for peace to flourish.
When this peace does flourish in our hearts, we begin to interact with others differently. We no longer seek the acceptance of others by giving up pieces of our land. We no longer try to get more space than we are relationally entitled to, to feel safe. We stop the constant dance of reactivity to closeness and distance, trading who we are for the acceptance of others. We learn how to hold still while being able to move with others compassionately. We become relationally safe, opening ourselves up to true and deep intimacy. We learn…inner peace. Our garden grows beautiful flowers and fruit, and the weeds shrivel and die.

If you would like to learn how to walk the path to your secret garden, and tend to the plants living there, come on in. Let’s get started! There is no time like the present, and no one else can or will do it for you. When it’s time to get your hands dirty and start pulling some weeds, learn how to give land back to people you’ve taken it from, or re-acquire the land you’ve given away…give me a call, I’ll be happy to help you. Thanks for reading!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Healthy Conflict

Dec 1, 2013 | abandonment, anxiety, Blog, codependency, counterdependency, fear, forgiveness, grace, making changes, respect, shame, Uncategorized

I know, right? What a yucky topic: conflict. You might be saying, “I don’t like conflict!” Not many people do. It’s just uncomfortable and many folks are straight-up conflict avoidant. Besides, how could conflict be healthy? Isn’t conflict bad, and aren’t we all supposed to want to achieve a state of no conflict? Well, truth is, there really is such a thing as healthy conflict, and that’s the topic for today. Ready to tackle this one? Here we go.

We all know that none of us are perfect. Narcissists especially, (and the rest of us most of the time too), would love to have you believe they are perfect, but it simply isn’t true. It is inevitable, then, that we are all going to get our feelings hurt from time to time, by our imperfect friends, coworkers, significant others, etc. It’s gonna happen. We’re going to hurt them sometimes, too, no matter how hard we try not to. We have a unique opportunity to gather information during this kind of event though, and can use the information to either perpetuate the hurt and further damage our relationship, or actually help our relationship. That’s right, I said that we can use the inevitable hurts in our relationships to make them better and stronger. This is achieved through the process of healthy conflict.

To demonstrate healthy conflict, I am going to take you through the process in a very typical scenario. I’m also going to point out along the way how each person has the opportunity to change hurtful, damaging conflict into healthy conflict. Let’s take a look at our example couple, John and Anna.

In the first step of healthy conflict, one person says “ouch.” This is a necessity in any healthy relationship. If there is going to be true intimacy and safety in a healthy relationship, each member must know that their feelings are important to the other person and will be heard, especially when those differences or imperfections jump up and bite us in the proverbial rear end. So we’ll begin with Anna, who softly and humbly says “ouch” to John: “John, that behavior you did really hurt my feelings.” John now has the opportunity to grow, learn, understand, and change. This is John’s first opportunity to encourage healthy conflict. He can say, “I want to understand your feelings, tell me more, your feelings are valid, I’m sorry, I will not do this behavior again,” and then John does everything in his power to never do it again. If John does receive this humbly, the conflict ends here. Increased safety in the relationship ensues, Anna feels heard and validated, and John grows. This is the healthiest scenario, both people have done their part. Wouldn’t that be nice? This is possible…however, it pretty rarely goes down that way, right?

It is, after all, extremely difficult and against our natural ego-filled, prideful state (especially for the shame-filled and counterdependent among us) to have the humility to say “I’m sorry” or “I screwed up.” That is paramount to admitting our worst fear: that the person we hurt will now think we really are the bad person we always believed down deep we were. So instead of humbly saying “I’m sorry”, we instead say “you need to change how you feel about this” or some other version of “this is your problem, not mine.” It is very minimizing of the other person’s feelings and completely valid world view, and usually comes out extremely defensive. This kind of response usually causes major damage to the relationship, and hurts the other person’s feelings and triggers their pain even further. They now will likely feel unheard, not understood, like the other person doesn’t care about their feelings, and abandoned. John has just missed his first chance to help heal the situation, and instead has potentially made it MUCH worse. Anna likely feels abandoned and withdraws love and acceptance, John fulfills his lying ‘self truth’ that he is “not worthy of being loved.”

So then what happens? Anna at this point has her first opportunity to have an effect on the dance they are doing. Now this is truly difficult because Anna has made herself vulnerable by saying “ouch”, and in response she has gotten an arrogant and minimizing response. Not exactly a safe situation. And now she is supposed to change her natural response? What is her natural response? It is going to be right in line with John’s worst fear of course…thinking he is a piece of crap and not worthy of being loved. Am I right? After all, John just treated Anna extremely poorly and pridefully…he IS a piece of crap, right? Anna feels justified in thinking as much. While it is true that John did just react with his issues and did not handle it well at all, there is another choice to be made here for Anna, too. Not gonna lie, it’s not easy and it’s going to take some extreme self-control and having your own issues settled down quite a bit. The name of this intervention is GRACE AND DIFFERENTIATION.

Not for the feint of heart, Anna will have to stare her fears of being abandoned and unheard square in the face in order to pull it off. And not only for a minute. She is going to have to hold this discomfort likely for some time, like days. What does this “grace and differentiation” intervention look like? I’m glad you asked. It is understanding John when he gets angry, knowing he has issues biting him in the rear and giving him grace because your issues bite you sometimes, too. Not taking it personally when he cuts off, (and if he is reactive like this, he will). Not chasing him down and insisting we talk about this right now, and letting it percolate, if necessary. (Read my blog about “The Myth of Urgency” here) Holding her ground that she is allowed to feel and think differently than he does, while allowing him to think and feel differently than she does. Now here’s the big one, folks….You Don’t Have To Agree. Oh, we get caught up on this, don’t we? The fear is that if the other person doesn’t agree with us, then they might not love us. It is enmeshed, it is relationally unsafe, and it is unrealistic! But we get caught in this power struggle hell all the time until we let go of the notion that the other person has to agree with us.

So Anna can keep herself safe, stay non-reactive, hold her own opinion about the situation, give John space to come back toward her or not (that’s the hard part where she has to risk and really feel her abandonment), and keep…oh, this one is hard…loving and accepting him for where he is. If John continues to act the same way time after time, every time Anna says “ouch”, their relationship will suffer tremendously and it will eventually end. And vice versa. If Anna were to react with the attitude of “get over it” every time John says “ouch”…same thing. Most people really don’t expect their partner to be perfect when it comes down to it, but they do need to see genuine sorrow at, and a turning away from, the behaviors that hurt them. They need their partners to have humility, and grow.

There is a major pitfall to avoid, and it needs to be addressed. Sometimes, people will take on too much and become a doormat. This is equally unbalanced with being too prideful. I am not suggesting this over-correction, or co-dependency. What I am suggesting is an acceptance by both people that they each have a different view, both are valid, and they don’t have to agree. They do, however, have to learn where their partner’s pains are and be sensitive to them, if they want their partner to stay in relationship with them. If we play that out, it looks like this: John says “I understand this behavior hurts you, but I’m going to keep doing it anyway because in my world view, I’m right.” and Anna will go on her way, eventually. She does not agree that the behavior is OK with her, and she doesn’t have to agree. Is the behavior in question a deal breaker for either person? Then they will likely not have a relationship for long. That’s OK, and they can each go on their way agreeing that neither is going to change.

The alternative is that John, in this case, says “I understand that this hurts you, how can we do this differently, with me understanding your pain, and you understanding what I need, too?” Now there is a mutual humility. All of you Anna’s out there, wouldn’t you respond favorably to THAT? Anna agrees. That is a safe relationship. Anna can realize John’s reasons for his behavior and any fears that may drive it so as to not take his behavior personally, and John can work on becoming softer and more careful with Anna’s feelings. John grows in sensitivity, and Anna grows in grace. Now the relationship is doing it’s job: refining them both.

If your partner can’t quite do the humility thing, yet, you can change the dynamic anyway. And if they refuse to find some humility, you can have the strength to eventually locate the door to the relationship as well. If you are the one that can’t do the humility thing yet, I pray that you can soon. All of your relationships will suffer and ultimately likely end if you cannot find some. Humility is the life blood of good relationships. If you want to be able to pull off the grace and differentiation intervention, you are going to need help getting your own issues under control. I can help you with that. Email me at neisenmanftca@gmail.com Let’s get started.

Thanks for reading!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Anger = “Ouch”

Apr 21, 2013 | Blog, cut-off, fear, forgiveness, making changes, Uncategorized

It’s probably no surprise that the number one reason people give for picking up the phone and calling for a therapy appointment is “We just can’t communicate.” Even if the reason is something else: infidelity, addiction, anxiety, or relationship issues with friends and family, most folks will trace the problem back and identify it as beginning with a lack of communication. That’s exactly the topic I want to address today.

I have come to find that pretty much everyone that walks into our office is actually quite eloquent in communicating. Go figure! They are able to state how they feel or what they think with relative ease most of the time. So why then these overwhelming reports of people who lack this ability? I think the problem is less about the ability, or lack thereof, in communicating and more a problem of listening non-reactively and translating.

We are all the walking wounded. We were hurt, and didn’t get enough love, affection, attention, and/or gentle nurturing as kids. Little kids are voraciously needy creatures, and no two parents can give enough, and perfectly, to allow their kids to emerge into adulthood unscathed. Just doesn’t happen. It’s not about bad-mouthing parents. We all do the best we can with what we’ve got, and parents are walking wounded from their own childhoods. Everyone gets wounded. So since we are wounded, we all have ouchies in our hearts that get poked from time to time, and we will invariably choose to be in a relationship with someone who is uniquely suited to hurt us and NOT meet our needs. That’s the law of attraction, backwards as it is. So we live with those who hurt us most. When something hurts, we react. Anger. We have to protect ourselves. That’s not so hard to understand.

Not so surprisingly then, we think that people mean exactly what they say when they’re angry. Not so much. We actually want our partners, friends, and family to read between the lines and know how we feel underneath our words. The angry teenager inside us that comes out to protect our wounds says mean and hurtful things to get the other person to back away from our wounds. We all do it, until we learn that we are doing it, and then we get better but STILL do it sometimes. It OK, no shame in admitting it. We speak out of defensiveness, and then wonder why our loved ones can’t hear the real problem and understand how we feel. ”He just doesn’t listen.” ”She can’t hear me.” Nevermind that when we speak in this defensive way, we are hurting the other person in THEIR worst wound, causing their defensiveness to be stirred. Now we’re doing our dance of anger.

I want to suggest an alternative course of action, a different translation if you will, when you hear your partner become angry or defensive. What if you began to learn to hear what they are really saying underneath? When your partner gets angry, what if you translate that in your head to “My partner is saying ‘ouch’.” Isn’t that what they are really saying? Look at it closely. For example, Mary angrily says, ”Bob, you didn’t pick up your socks for the 26th day in a row!” What she is really saying is, “I feel like you you don’t appreciate the hard work I do to keep the house clean.” What her anger is really saying is “Ouch, I am not appreciated!!!” Instead of hearing “ouch” and responding with compassion to the real hurt feeling underneath the anger, Bob hears, “You are a bad spouse and you forget all of my needs, you piece of crap!” Ouch!!! Now Bob responds with defense of his own…and says, “I work outside the home all day, and picking up socks is your job!” Bob is backing Mary off from his wound, and counter-attacking Mary with “You’re a bad wife because you don’t appreciate all of the things I do to contribute and only focus on my short-comings.” Ouch!!! And so the anger dance is underway.

What would happen if one or the other, or both of them, could hear their partner saying “ouch” instead of an attack? Softness, vulnerability, and humility would begin to grow along with learning and growing to be a safer partner in a relationship. Hmm. That sounds pretty good, right? So why don’t people do it? First and foremost, pride. Pretty straightforward and simple. If I admit that you are saying ouch, then I have to admit I’ve done something wrong, and then, even worse, change. Change is hard. Having the humility to admit you’ve hurt someone is even harder, as is taking responsibility for one’s actions. I also have to put my feelings and wounds aside while we concentrate on yours. We also fear, “when will I get heard?”

See all of the things that have to be dealt with before one of you can stop the dance of anger before it really gets going? See how easy it is to blame the whole thing on “We can’t communicate!” instead of working on yourself? There is nothing simple or straightforward about dealing with this pride, and ultimately overcoming it. Getting to a place where you can hear what the person is actually saying instead of the surface conflict of the moment takes practice and a willingness to face your own fears, heal some of your own wounds, and get your over-reactivity under control. Not easy. It is worth it though, and it will permeate every relationship you have when you get there. Think about pointing the finger at the mug in the mirror instead of your partner. I need to learn to listen better and react less. I need to be safer for my partner. I need to learn where my partner is wounded so I can understand their pain. You are the only one you can control anyway.

That’s what I have today. If you need help translating or understanding yourself, healing yourself, or getting a handle on your reactivity, haul your own carcass into a great therapist’s office. Do it for you and no one else. Thanks for reading!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Differentiation 205

Sep 13, 2012 | abandonment, anxiety, Blog, cut-off, family systems theory, fear, goals, Uncategorized

Welcome to The Waiting Room today! It is a BEAUTIFUL fall morning, and I have just made myself a cup of Wild Mountain Blueberry coffee. Yummy! Curl up on your favorite comfy chair and join me for a short siesta. Once again, today we are working on differentiation.

So I have posted before about this crazy differentiation word. I will likely post about it again in the future as well. You see, this notion of differentiation really IS “where it’s at.” If you can work toward incorporating this concept, this way of thinking and relating, into your life…you will absolutely have not only greater peace inside your mind, but ALL of your interpersonal relationships will not be able to be anything but more healthy, balanced, fulfilling, safe, calm, close, loving….these wonderful words and many more.

To recap then, what is differentiation? The simplest description of it I can come up with is this: “knowing who you really are, and having the ability to control your anxiety, (remaining non-reactive), to real or perceived fluctuations between emotional and relational closeness and distancing of others.” OK, one more time in English… “to not freak out when you think someone is cutting off or pulling away from you, or trying to get too close or intimate.” For example, you all know “commitment-phobes”…they have anxiety over someone getting too close. What about the person who chases after the commitment-phobe? They have fears about being alone. How about a little less obvious…What about a husband that avoids/hates deep, connected, or intimate conversations? What about a wife who is lonely? This is all anxiety about closeness and distance. We ALL have this going on inside of us to some extent.

I am here to tell you…controlling this anxiety inside is SOOO not an easy thing to pull off! Not even kidding. Sakes! It first takes an awareness of what it is and when you’re doing it, no small feat, and then you have to be able to act counter-intuitively to how you have always acted while protecting yourself from emotional wounding. It is un-learning your learned defensiveness and facing your worst fears head-on. You literally have to overcome the natural protective instincts of the most powerful part of your brain, sometimes referred to as your “Lizard Brain” or “Reptilian Brain”, which I have blogged about before. Beware The Timeless Lizard

Let’s work a little deeper on this today, and move toward a better understanding of what differentiation looks like. I attended a training given by our resident expert on differentiation, Jerry Wise. He gave us a sheet that describes the 5 characteristics of self-differentiation that I wanted to share with you. Here they are:

“A Sense of My Own Limits, And The Limits of Others. A clear understanding of where I end and someone else begins; respect for the right of others to be the way they are, but refusing to allow others to intrude upon one’s own rights; defined from within, rather than adapting to please others.
Clarity About What I Believe. What would I die for, and what’s not worth it? Of what am I certain, and of what am I not so certain?
Courage To Take Stands. Defining where I stand and what I believe, in the face of disapproval; refusing to give in to another when it is a matter of principle; capacity to stand firm in the face of strong reactions. (ex. “You can’t think, act, feel that way and be a part of this family!”)
The Ability To Stay On Course. Resolve to follow through toward a vision in spite of sabotage; emotional and spiritual stamina to stick with a lofty goal and not let others’ reactions change your course.
Staying Connected In Spite Of It All. Maintaining a relatively non-reactive give-and-take with those who are reacting to you, (easier said than done!); resisting the impulse to attack or cut-off from those who are most reactive to you.

The first three have to do with self-definition. The last two have to do with self-regulation. BOTH are necessary for a healthy relationship. Definition of Self is a life-long process, in which we can only take small steps at any one time. The essential capacity one must develop is that of self-regulation (taking responsibility for the management of one’s own anxiety and reactivity.)” (Leave me a message if you want to know the source of this, and I will see if Jerry has it.)

Nowadays, most of the time I can call myself out when I am under the influence of my issues/wounds by admitting, “That was clearly not my most differentiated moment.” Yep! It takes a long time to get the hang of it, and then ya still slip sometimes. While I have been working on this change in me for about 6 years now, and have a lot of really good successes, I still have my moments. Oh boy, do I have my moments.

“So, then,” you ask, “why bother? This sounds like a slow, arduous process.” Yes it is, but the more I study and learn, the more I know that self-differentiation is the completely worthy goal and it is so incredibly powerful when it comes to inner and relational peace. It’s lifelong, and difficult, and it’s not about “how-to lists”; but rather about hearing and learning from experiences and insights, followed by a readiness to grow and change. Even small changes can make a huge difference in relationships and in your mind. Changing your life’s focus and paradigm to a goal of continued differentiation will alter, for the better, both how you feel inside and how you interact and love everyone.

Thanks for reading, and have a differentiated day!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.

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Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com