Chameleons

Jul 22, 2012 | abandonment, anxiety, Blog, codependency, enmeshment, fear, inner voice, shame, Uncategorized

Chameleons are probably not a subject you would ever think I would blog about, right? No, I’m not taking a turn for veterinary science or lizardology. I mean, what is a therapist wannabe gonna say about chameleons or anything else in the wild kingdom? Today we are going to discuss a type of personality that has been termed “chameleon.”

Chameleons are lizards that blend in and adapt to their surroundings so as not to be readily seen. Do you know any people who seem to exhibit this kind of relating to others? Have you ever met anyone who could adapt to any situation and seemingly thrive in any setting? Maybe the chameleon is with someone who likes to be the center of attention at a party. They come out of their shell and become more outgoing to match the other person. Perhaps they are in a setting with a very somber group. They become quiet and subdued. Maybe in another setting the chameleon will act very religious or chaste, while the next moment becoming vulgar or mean.

Why do chameleons blend into their surroundings in nature? It is a defense mechanism. It’s no different in the case of the chameleon personality. An intense fear of abandonment or shame for example can cause people to adapt to whatever situation presents itself in order to preserve perceived connections with others. The chameleon doesn’t have a strong sense of self. They borrow the “self” or personality of others to gain attention and acceptance.

This is actually a lonely and anxiety-filled way of relating to others. What fears does the chameleon face? They fear being their authentic selves because they might be abandoned if the others find out who the chameleon believes they are on the inside. On the inside, the chameleon believes he/she is not lovable. They fear the aloneness and rejection they will face if someone sees them, really sees them for who they are, and doesn’t like what they see. Having these scary feelings…it literally feels like it would be worse than death. Therefore, adapting to situations by giving up “self” to be acceptable becomes necessary for their very survival.

When it comes down to it, they end up giving up who they are, trading peacefully living as the beautiful person they are on the inside, for the anxiety of trying to belong. The voice in their heads constantly tells them that no one will accept them for who they are. It is a private hell of their own making. They refuse to believe how breathtaking they are! (And not because they’ve earned it, but because they ARE.) Each person is a unique and beautiful creature, lovable for exactly who they are. Many of us don’t believe it. We tell ourselves the lie that all of the painful times we experienced anything that resembled rejection in our childhoods were reflections of how lovable we are. I would invite you to stop believing this lie.

If we look a little bit deeper…and if you see yourself as a chameleon, this feedback might sting a little bit…chameleon behavior is also actually controlling of others. Attempting to control others is about making your own environment safe for yourself. If I can control others, I don’t have to be afraid of them, right? So as a chameleon, I am going to attempt to control your perception of me, in essense attempting to force you to accept me and pay attention to me. When it comes down to it, this is an invasive way of relating to others. It is also ultimately a temporary illusion at best, because we can’t really control how others feel or think…not in the context of a healthy relationship, or with any kind of long-term efficacy. Eventually someone you are trying to “trick” will catch on, and the chameleon can be seen.

Taking the risk to love yourself for who you are is a dangerous and scary notion, but it is the truth, and it is the growth we must pursue if we are going to have a mind filled with peace and self-acceptance. We will also no longer need to control or invade others, making us safer for them to choose to connect with us. When you can accept yourself, you can give acceptance to others most freely too, not codependently or in a controlling way, and not in an unbalanced “I’m-going-to-trade-my-self-for-your-acceptance” way. Think about accepting yourself more completely, with all of your beautiful, breathtaking, and brilliant colors. Risk letting the world see who you REALLY are, because that authentic self inside of you is AMAZING!

Thanks for reading! Have a beautiful day!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

The One You Feed

Aug 13, 2011 | Blog, fear, grace, inner voice, self-care, shame, Uncategorized

A friend of mine posted this on our friends newsgroup, and I thought it fit quite well into what I posted on last week. Check it out:

An old Cherokee told his grandson, “My son, there’s a battle between two wolves inside us all. One is Evil. He is anger, jealousy, greed, resentment, inferiority, lies, & ego.The other is Good. He is joy, peace, love, hope, humility, kindness, empathy, & truth.” The boy thought about it & asked his grandfather, “Which wolf wins?” The old Cherokee quietly replied, “The one you feed.”

There is a ton of truth in this. Keeping our focus on the negative emotions and our dark side only serves to feed those emotions. Focusing on kindness, empathy, and love in the same way feeds those emotions. Which wolf is winning inside of you?

Let’s go one step deeper. Why would anyone want to feed the evil wolf inside of them? I’ve come to learn that some folks feed their negative emotions not because they like it so much, but because the negative emotions and pain are their “normal”. It is actually uncomfortable for them to feel joy, because that does not align with their self-truth…that they are not good enough. They also have a crippling fear that if they do try to feel good, peaceful, loved…they will ultimately crash and find out that their fear was right all along, that they aren’t lovable, and that is more painful by far than simply not trying. This lie paralyses all who choose to believe it.

If this describes you, deep seated shame holds you captive with fear. Facing it is very difficult. Do you have the courage to believe you’re good enough? It’s not easy. Is joy worth the risk? You bet it is. What you’ll find out, if you choose to try, is that believing you’re not worthy is the lie you’ve been living in, and you can defeat that lie and begin to feel good enough with only one person believing it is so…you. Others really don’t have to agree.

The connection you will feel if you allow the joy and love in holds the key to the lack of anxiety and the peace you yearn for. Recovery is not for the feint of heart. It’s easier if you have someone with you, encouraging you, holding your hair back while you puke, and guiding you along the path they’ve already walked. No change comes without pain.

A gifted therapist can make facing the fear bearable, and help you not slip back into your shame place, by helping you to see yourself objectively. Learn to starve the dark wolf inside of you. Not by ignoring it’s presence, but by being conscientious about not feeding it. Feed the good wolf and reap a harvest of peace and joy. It’s worth it, and it will eventually become your new normal. The change will feel uncomfortable for a good while, but eventually you will grow to where it will feel uncomfortable to be angry, sad, and depressed.

That’s what I have for you today. Happy wolf hunting!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Black, White, or Gray?

Jul 27, 2011 | abandonment, addictions, Blog, fear, forgiveness, grace, inner voice, shame, Uncategorized

I was visiting after our staff meeting today with one of my collegues, Jenn Lance, and she said something that stuck with me. She said, “I can see other people in shades of gray, but most times I only see myself in black or white.” Hmm. I had to agree that oftentimes I do the exact same thing. I’m either good enough or not, acceptable or not, smart or stupid…etc. You get the drift. I know I’m not the only one…

For me, what this is really about is having a hard time giving myself some grace. I give it to others by the bucket-full, yet abandon myself and the vulnerable little girl that lives inside of me. I can see others’ flaws and accept them for how and where they are on their journey, but I’m not so easy on myself sometimes.

The other day, a client was sitting in our waiting room reading a copy of Esther Perel’s book entitled “Mating In Captivity.” This is a book I read during my own season of couch-work. I listened to it in audiobook form, and it was basically like 8 hours of sex therapy. I began visiting with the client about it, and she asked what I got out of the book. I told her that what really surprised me about this book in particular was how much I learned about myself that had little or nothing to do with sex.

In particular, one part of the book that spoke to me talked about the dimmed, darkened, hazy mirror by which we view our dark side behind us. Sometimes we ignore it completely. It’s not directly in our field of view, but it’s there, affecting us all the same. It’s been a few years since I’ve read the book so I don’t remember exactly how Esther put it, but her point was that many of us deny the existence of our dark side, and in-so-doing, become a slave to it, or live at it’s mercy whenever it rears it’s ugly head.

The black and white thinking I’m talking about is a sort of denial of our dark side. The Bible calls it our “old Adam”, or our sinful nature. We all have our faults, fears, and wounds. Ignoring the existence of this side of you yields not only black and white thinking, and “no grace for Nancy,” but also allows you to be blindsided by it, do something you feel ashamed of or guilty for, and then beat yourself up.

I’m not suggesting that we give in to our dark side, (there is such a thing as right and wrong in my opinion, even though the location of the line is highly debated from person to person), but rather have the courage to look at it, understand it, and work on it as opposed to ignoring it’s existence. The pain and fear that lurks there is the birthplace of things like reactivity, fear, and addiction. Those dark feelings grow and fester in secrecy and anonymity.

Shining the light on this place can be very scary and may seem overwhelming. Taken in small amounts, and when you’re ready, looking at it can lead to healing and giving yourself the grace that we all need to give ourselves sometimes. It also happens to be the first step of the cure for shame. A gifted therapist can help you take a peek if it all seems like too much to face alone or is too hard to see.

There’s my schpeel for today. Thanks for stopping by!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

I Have You Under My Control

Oct 26, 2010 | abandonment, Blog, codependency, counterdependency, fear, inner voice, respect, Uncategorized

I had a client ask me one time, “Where does peace come from?” You see, I have a mug in my office that has a saying on it about peace, and I think it captures the feeling that most everyone that comes to therapy is looking for…it reads: “Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.”

We’re not so naïve as to think that there won’t be trouble or hard work in our lives. We know there will be. We don’t expect to always feel amazing and filled with joy, for our marriages to always be perfect, or to never have problems. Yet when these things happen to us, why do we let our peace be stolen?

If we believe a myth that our peace comes from our circumstances, we are precariously perched for pain and disappointment indeed. We are susceptible to all kinds of misery and joy, that is the nature of the human condition, but we will not be truly peaceful while we are doing either one if we believe that our peace is dependent on what is happening to us. Even when good things are happening in our lives, if we believe our contentment comes from what is going on externally, it will still elude us because we will still be trying to control how long the good stuff lasts, the same as we try to control how long the bad stuff lasts. We try to manage others and our environment instead of ourselves.

When my client asked me where peace comes from, my answer had several facets. I believe peace comes from letting go of the myth that I have more control than I actually do. I think peace comes from relinquishing the expectation that others can make me feel… feel bad or good or angry or sad or jealous or anxious. They can hold up the mirror to attachments or beliefs that I have that aren’t serving me very well, but the truth is that no one can make me feel anything without my cooperation.

I believe that peace cannot live inside me if I am overly focused on things I cannot change or things that may or may not happen. I believe that the acquisition of peace is a by-product of letting go of unhealthy attachments and beliefs. It comes after walking the valley of the shadow of death through my own deepest darkest places to the beautiful light at the other end of the tunnel. As Robert Frost would say, it is the road less traveled, and it truly does make all the difference.

I think of peace as the hallmark, the prize that one receives in their feelings when they are emotionally fit. Like being physically fit, working through emotional issues requires showing up, working out, practice, study, dedication, repetition, focus, motivation, and stamina. By the way, it also takes a truck-load of courage.

This process isn’t for the feint at heart. Many people go to a great deal of time, effort, and expense to AVOID working through this stuff. (That’s what addictions are, for example.) My question to you is, how bad do you want it? Real peace…is it worth the work, the time, the effort, all of it? I’ve taken many people on the walk to peace…well, sometimes it’s more like an army crawl through the mud, but we make it. I continue to walk it out myself every day and will continue to grow in this way for the rest of my life. That’s why I named my practice Peace Counseling Group. Would you like to join me and the others who have gone before you? It’s up to you, the quality of your relationships and how you feel for the rest of your life depends on you.

I hope you will join me, and those who work with me, on this amazing journey. Whomever shows up hungry will leave full of new ways to think about relationships and life. I want the best for all of our clients, life-long changes, not just bandaids. My colleagues and I are ready to go when you are.

Sincerely,

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW

Owner, Peace Counseling Group

If you have any further questions regarding our paradigm or our policies, please feel free to contact us via the contact page or call 317-605-7015. You may also check the FAQ page on this website.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Beware The Timeless Lizard

Oct 19, 2010 | Blog, family systems theory, fear, inner voice, Uncategorized

Imago Relationship Therapy (IRT) is based on the work of Harville Hendrix PhD., author of Getting The Love You Want, Keeping the Love You Find, and Giving the Love That Heals. For a simple definition of Imago Theory, try www.therapy4couples.com/imago-theory.html

I really find imago theory to be quite fascinating. It delves into and explains parts of the brain that we are not conscious of and how those parts of the brain can cause behaviors or exert control over us that we may not even be aware of: Why did he yell at me? Why did that situation make me break down and cry? Why did my friend, a seemingly sane person, chase their spouse around the room and punch a whole in the wall? The list really could go on and on.

So today, let’s talk about the brain for just a minute. It is totally complex and far from completely understood, and I’m far from an expert for sure, but let’s touch on a couple of the basics. There are actually three parts of the brain. The most primitive part is your hindbrain, which is your cerebellum, pons, and medulla oblongata. This is also known as your “lizard brain”, which stems from evolutionary terminology. This is the part of your brain that houses “fight or flight”, for example, and the basic instinctual stuff that keeps you alive: food, breathing and heart beat, body growth, and reproduction. It does it’s work subconsciously, and you may be surprised to know that it is also the most powerful, influential part of your brain!

The midbrain does its job automatically without our conscious thought as well. It is the second most powerful/influential part of your brain! (Did you notice that the two most powerful and influential parts of your brain do things that you are not even consciously aware of?) Among other things, the midbrain processes emotions and memories. I think the most interesting part about the mid-brain is that it is “timeless.” It can experience a memory or an emotion that happened years ago as though it were happening right this minute. This has tremendous implications for all of us. Think about it this way…do you remember how I’ve talked before about how people in relationships with us can hurt us the same way we were hurt when we were kids, and how if those wounds go unhealed, we will still be reactive to them? This is why. Our midbrain experiences those same pains and wounds as if they were happening the same moment as when we were kids. That’s what causes our over-reactions. Since the midbrain’s activities are subconscious, it also shows that we cannot control the emotions that arise for us. Keep that in mind as we move on…

The fore-brain is the part we all know and love the best…conscious thought. You guessed it, it is the weakest part of your brain! Explains a lot, doesn’t it? What kind of match is made with your fore-brain versus Lizard and Timeless? Not much. It can be taught, however, and it can have some influential power over the first two. It can make that which is unconscious, conscious, and it has SOME say-so over what, for example, comes out of our mouths. It takes a lifetime to begin to learn this art of influence over the other two brain areas, however. Since the other two are subconscious, many folks are just simply unaware that they are under their power, even though they are affected by them every moment of every day.

Now, doesn’t that make it easier to understand how seemingly sane folks can act so crazy sometimes? They are under the influence of the brawn of their brain: Timeless and the Lizard. Gotta be aware of the existence of that reptilian fella and his helper. We can use this knowledge to give us a new perspective on behavior, an enhanced understanding and awareness, of both our own and others’ behaviors. That’s what I like about imago theory. It accounts for all parts of the brain, and helps me understand things which look so unrational on the surface. It also helps me stop my own reptile-induced craziness (overreactions)! Lizards aren’t that bright, but they are powerful and can do serious damage! If I am aware of the timeless reptile, I can understand where my feelings are coming from and why they are so powerful. It also illuminates work yet to be done, and gives my conscious fore-brain a fighting chance to regain some semblance of control! And if not, I at least know why I was temporarily out of control. I was “under the influence.”

How’d you like that topic? I find this stuff pretty fascinating. I gotta give credit to one of my textbooks for helping me out (Rosemary Farmer’s, 2009, ”Neuroscience and Social Work Practice: The Missing Link”) and also a recent training I attended given by Dr. Bernard Baca, PhD. LCSW. You may visit his website at www.indiana-imago.com Off to do some more studying! Thanks for stopping by.

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Defending Boundaries With Finesse

Oct 6, 2010 | Blog, boundaries, codependency, cut-off, fear, grace, respect, Uncategorized

Thanks for stopping by today! I apologize that I have not been blogging more often lately…grad school is proving demanding of my extra time. I appreciate you coming again to read my latest post.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about boundaries, and more to the point, how to have good ones without cutting off from others or being overly aggressive. It struck me the other day when I was talking with a friend, and she was describing the need to “fiercely defend her boundaries”. I wondered how massive the attack must have been to require such a fierce defense. Turns out, the thing that was threatening my friend’s boundaries would have been, for most people (metaphorically), a baby kitten! There was a bit of an overreaction going on, with my friend feeling like a T-Rex was threatening her gates.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am all for having good boundaries. They are absolutely necessary in a world full of sinners like us. I wonder though, if we can learn something about ourselves from our boundaries….the ones we find it necessary to have. For example, do you have a boundary with your spouse about leaving their clothes on the floor? What is it about that, that makes you so reactive?

Boundaries are for guarding places that are painful to us, even the simple ones like needing someone to pick up after themselves. So when someone causes you to be “fierce” (or even reactive) can you see the pain underneath that is causing your ferocity, and the need for that boundary? Heal the pain underneath and your walls won’t have to be nearly as strong, nor your reactions nearly as fierce. Your walls will be more permeable, and love and intimacy can flow through them more easily.

We can learn to have good boundaries without being fierce about it. Strong, but not aggressive. Immovable without reactivity. Stand up for how we feel without needing to squish the other person like a bug. It takes finesse. It can be learned in your head pretty quickly, but being able to put it into practice regularly takes time, practice, and healing… mastering it in your heart. It’s learning to see others not as T-rexes, but as hurting kids in adult bodies. I love this thing my co-worker Jerry says, “You can say almost anything to anyone, if you’re moving toward them when you say it”. That doesn’t mean you should lean in to someone’s grill while you’re telling them to back off, I’m not talking about physical proximity; but instead to see them lovingly, as a “+”, as though inviting them toward your acceptance…into your understanding of their needs and pains. Give them a safe place to exist while explaining what’s going on.

Aggressiveness, reactivity, and the need to be fierce are all things that push others away. It may seem like that’s the goal when someone is invading our boundaries. ”Get the heck away from me!” Right? Get the other person to back out of your space and never want to come in again, lest they meet your sturdy defenses! I think a better, (paradoxical) and more effective overall approach is to move toward them by keeping my own reactivity in check, and seeing them as someone who is hurting, too. A kitten, not a t-Rex.

Look deeper than your boundaries to the underlying pain. See others as little kids who are in just as much pain as you are. Nurture them instead of snapping at them. That’s what will eventually stop them from continuing to infringe on your boundaries more in the future. After all, meeting someone’s strong defenses most of the time just tells the other person that your boundaries call for heavier artillery. Less need for defenses invites peace and cooperation. Knowing yourself, where you end and everyone/everything else begins, is the key. Not easy, but you can do it!

See you again soon.

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com