What Is It Like To Be You?

Jul 9, 2011 | Blog, counterdependency, cut-off, forgiveness, grace, respect, Uncategorized

I recently finished my second theory class as part of my Masters degree schooling. One of the theories studied was termed “symbolic interactionism”. The online Webster’s Dictionary describes it like this: “a theory that human interaction and communication is facilitated by words, gestures, and other symbols that have acquired conventionalized meanings.” In other words, we learn what words and ideas mean based on our environment and upbringing. An important thing to realize, then, is that I may have a different definition for a word or idea, etc., than you have, since our experiences have been different. It is important to be aware of that when working with clients or interacting with others, so that when we communicate, we are on the same page.

This is not a difficult concept to grasp. Misunderstandings occur with everyone, pretty much all the time. I was talking with a male client a few weeks ago about this very thing. We were discussing the subject of “flirting.” My definition of flirting is simply a social interaction that makes both people feel good, showing someone that I like them, or that I am enjoying their company and/or being friendly toward them, etc. Webster’s online describes it as ”acting amorously without serious intentions.” For my client, flirting is actively trying to pursue someone romantically or sexually. When I suggested that the lady he was interacting with probably thought of his kindness as “flirting”, he insisted that he was not, that he was only being kind. I did not question his motivation, we simply had a different definition of the word “flirt.”

We cleared up the misunderstanding quickly. I realized that his feeling that his intentions were misunderstood made him feel judged, which was totally NOT what I was going for! I remembered the dialogue process, and concentrated on learning about his “truths.” It reminded me that it is necessary to be careful in how I communicate and remember that others may hear the same word but have a different definition. I continually ask the question in my head…”what is it like to be you?” THAT is connection. In Imago theory, Harville Hendrix states that “the most important thing is how you experience me experiencing you.” I need to make sure that I am showing you that, even if we disagree, that you are important, worthwhile, smart, valid….. Then we will have connection, even if it’s in conflict.

One of my mentors at Family Tree Counseling, Jerry Wise, says it like this…”You can say almost anything at all to anyone, and they will hear it, if you are moving toward them when you say it.” Moving toward someone looks like this connection, learning what it’s like to be them, seeing them in a positive way, being curious about their world truths. If you hear the other person and want to know what it’s like to be them, they will be inclined to return the favor!

Something to keep in mind the next time you think your communication with someone is not going very well. Stop trying to tell them what you think, and listen to what they think. If they feel like you’ve heard them, they may just be curious about what you think too, and reciprocate. Then you will be heard too! That’s connection and true dialogical communication.

Thank you so much for stopping by. You’ve shown that you want to know what I think by stopping by and reading my blog. I am more than happy to reciprocate. Feel free to tell me what you think, too! Leave me a comment and tell me what your truth is. You are also welcome to email me at nancy@healingheartsofindy.com . Hope you’re having a great summer!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Marriage Killer

Mar 15, 2011 | abandonment, affairs, Blog, boundaries, codependency, divorce, family systems theory, forgiveness, infidelity, shame

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about victims. There really are true victims in this world, of course…people who have been negatively affected by the actions of others through no fault or no choosing of their own. People who died in the 9/11 attacks for example. No fault or choosing, they just went to work that day and their lives and the lives of their loved ones were changed forever. I think a lot of times, however, people can feel as though they have been victimized, not realizing that they really did have a choice. That’s the idea I want to challenge today.

Take couples where an affair has taken place, for example. Many times the spouse who was cheated on feels as though they have been victimized by their lyin’, cheatin’, backstabbin’, no-good louse of a spouse. This victimy mentality, that they had no fault or choice in this situation, is first of all, not the truth, and second of all…it’s nothing short of a marriage killer! This mentality will ensure that there is no reconciliation. Not only that, it will keep the would-be “victim” trapped in a painful, nightmarish personal hell, and will make them unable to forgive later, keeping them forever tied to the pain of the event.

This poisonous mentality doesn’t exist only with affairs, though. It can also be present in less obvious ways with more obscure painful events, but is still just as damaging and deadly to marriages. Some examples: perhaps a codependent wife feels victimized by her overbearing, self-centered, oblivious husband who verbally or physically abuses her. Maybe a voiceless husband feels smothered by his over-bearing wife. Folks that have shame issues feel like everyone else is to blame for what’s wrong in their life because admitting otherwise would be too painful to bear.

I would respond to this by first saying that if you are saying the words, “If HE would just…” or “If SHE would just…”, then you have at least some victimy feeling going on. You are being in one way or another….controlling. Sorry to be so blunt, but that’s the truth. You are objectifying the other person and trying to make them into what you think they should be/think/feel/do. This will keep you entrenched in a power struggle that is both counter-productive and extremely painful.

I would also be first in line to say that it is not OK for your spouse to be abusive, self-centered, oblivious, over-bearing, controlling, etc. It is painful and you have to have the self-control of good boundaries with people that are unsafe. That does not mean, however, that you have been victimized by them! To those of you who are married…no one held a gun to your head to force you to put someone who is so ill-equipped to meet your needs in charge of meeting them! You’re going to have to own the fact that you picked ‘em, and you continue to pick them. No one forced you to stay in this relationship until you are so filled with rage and resentment that you can hardly see straight and so filled with the pain underneath that you cry yourself to sleep every night. In fact…you chose this person sub-consciously to hurt you just like they have.

Blaming someone else for what has gone wrong in your life is all about walls and protection. If something actually is my “fault,” then I have to own it, change it, and worst of all….feel it. If I own my half of the problem, then I am admitting that “I did something wrong.” Particularly those partners with shame issues will have a very difficult time doing this. Their shame tells them that if they are found guilty of doing something wrong, they will no longer be accepted and loved. That what they were told growing up was true….that they weren’t good enough. That is very painful, (to the point where it literally feels like DEATH to your subconscious), to face. Their walls built to protect themselves will keep that from happening…instead they will come out, sometimes inside their own head and sometimes guns blazing, to blame anyone in their path for anything that happens that makes them feel that way. It could be any little thing that they perceive will signal someone to judge them. It’s not rational, the rational part of their brain is not the one running the show when they are doing it! It doesn’t make it any less real for them, or painful for you, though.

So you married someone who is going to hurt you the most. In fact, YOU YOURSELF WILL ENSURE they will hurt you by putting up walls and hurting them so they will hurt you back. That’s what love is to you. Sucks, doesn’t it! But think about how motivated to change you would be if you weren’t in pain….not very, right? How many people come to therapy because it’s so much fun? Zero. God, nature, the universe, whatever you want to call it…wants you to be healed and whole from the wounds you received as a kid. (This is not about blaming your parents for screwing you up, it’s about being real about what happened. Blaming is about shame, walls, and pain like I said.) We all marry people who will hurt us the way we were hurt as kids so that we will be in enough pain to work on it, heal it, and learn new skills where we are the weakest.

You have not been victimized. You chose the life you’ve led. You have 50% ownership of the relational problems, and you are just as unhealthy and unbalanced as your hurting spouse. Yes…you read that right….they are hurting too….under their angry exterior. See them for the wounded kid they are on the inside. Own your half, no more, and no less. Have good boundaries with those who are hurting you, ABSOLUTELY, but don’t believe for one second that it’s all the other person’s fault. It will kill any chances your marriage had, and will keep you inprisoned in your own pain.

Work on YOUR stuff, sweet ones. If you don’t, I guarantee you will either marry someone just like them and repeat the pattern again, or live out your days with a deep pain or unforgiveness that won’t go away.

Thanks for stopping by. I’ll write again soon.

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

To Forgive or Not to Forgive

Nov 18, 2010 | abandonment, Blog, boundaries, codependency, cut-off, faith-based living, forgiveness, grace, grief, inner voice, self-care

I need to have a little chat with myself today, so I thought I’d invite you in to join me. It’s a little less strange….right? OK, maybe not, but humor me…maybe you’ve had this same struggle.

So most of us out here, regardless of faith or spiritual beliefs, know that forgiveness is a totally necessary part of having a peaceful life. Am I right? Am I assuming too much? Holding a grudge hurts the one who’s holding it way more than the one it’s being held against, I think many would agree.

So what happens when it is SO difficult to forgive someone? There is not a question as to whether or not they hurt you, it’s a done deal. Now what? Whether they are sorry or not, whether they intend to do it again or not….completely independent of the other person and what they are doing or not doing…can you forgive them, inside of you?

I want to give you a bit of a different perspective on this situation, to see if it can help you put your focus on the only person you can change, control, or have any real say-so over in this situation….you. It’s kind of a bummer to always have to focus on your own issues, isn’t it? I hear that! This is the time, though, when it’s totally appropriate to be “selfish.” See, I know the secret: changing yourself and what you do will actually change the people around you too, (sometimes you have to give it time.) When people have hurt us, that’s exactly what we want, right?…to change them. The paradox is that you can’t change them, but the only chance you have to influence them to change is to change yourself and how you handle the situation. (When it comes down to it, the ultimate goal is to be OK in your own skin, and not try to change anyone. Just live your life in a way that is balanced and peaceful.)

So what about this new perspective I have for you? I’d like to propose this question: You’re having difficulty forgiving, but what if your lack of forgiveness isn’t really about a fear that it will “give them permission to hurt you again” as most people think forgiveness does? (not true, btw.) OR, about not wanting to convey the message to them that what they did was “forgivable?” What if it is nothing more than a defense mechanism to avoid something else? What are you avoiding? Do you feel like forgiving the other person is like telling them that what they did wasn’t so bad after all or that they can do it again because you’ll just forgive them again? This is also a paradox. NOT forgiving them will ensure it will happen again, and not finding your own healthy boundaries with them is really the problem. Grace is the only real chance there is for changing the heart of the other person. Your hatred or unforgiveness will keep their walls intact.

But my point today is, what if it’s something else? Do you use unforgiveness as an excuse to avoid finding a better way to have boundaries with the other person? Forgiveness doesn’t include an invitation to do the same thing again. Forgiveness says “I know you hurt me, and I forgive you. If you intend to treat me this way, we can no longer have a relationship, but if you can treat me with respect, we’re OK.” That is a healthy boundary. We are not called to abandon our own feelings or open ourselves up to abuse. That is a lack of self-control. But there is a difference between that, and not forgiving.

Do you use unforgiveness as an excuse for not insisting upon yourself that you maintain good boundaries and respectful relationships? Do you hide behind unforgiveness so you don’t have to have difficult conversations? Are you trapped by the fear that forgiveness gives others permission to hurt you more? These are all illusions. It’s up to you to control your boundaries in a respectful, loving way. Not forgiving is focusing on the other person too much, being enmeshed with them, and it keeps you tied to them in an unhealthy way, even if you’re miles apart. It is also a form of judging them, and looking down on them. Instead, look in the mirror and the unforgiveness will melt away like warm butter.

More than anything, in the deepest recesses, I think being unwilling to forgive allows us to hold on to our pain. You may wonder why anyone would want to hold on to their pain, but most people do to some extent. Pain serves a purpose, too. It can be a protective wall. It can be an attempt to control another person. It can be a way to avoid dealing with it inside ourselves. It can even be an excuse. Or, have you ever heard of the idea that the opposite of love is not hate, but undifference? I think many who refuse to forgive fear indifference, or having NO connection to that person at all. Letting it go means finding new ways to cope, letting go of control, finding a new relationship with that person or not having a relationship with them at all (maybe even more painful), and leaves us feeling vulnerable and exposed. It happens anytime we allow our walls down. Finding a new, more balanced way to cope is difficult, but isn’t purging the pain of it worth the journey?

One last thing. A Litmus test. This is how you know you’ve got it; you know you have really forgiven. Can you think of the person who hurt you without disliking them or calling them a derogatory name in your head? What about if that person came to you and wanted to apologize, would you accept it lovingly? (Remember, that doesn’t mean you have to let them back into your life. Take that slow, and only if you want to, trust takes time, and only YOU know if you’re willing to give them another chance.)

There’s my two cents for today. I hope I listened to myself….I needed to hear it. Thanks for sitting in on the chat!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

When We Know Better

May 11, 2010 | Blog, forgiveness, grace, self-care

OK, I know I’ve talked about this before, but it’s something that I struggle with, so I’m going to blog about it somemore, and preach some more to myself. I need to talk myself into some things, so you can come along for the ride, and hopefully learn and heal from my struggles.

I’ve had this thing that happened a long time ago…something that has bothered me for quite some time, a passing thought, a warning in my spirit, or whatever you’d like to call it. It has kinda haunted me off and on since it happened, almost 10 years ago. Recently, as I continue to delve deeper into my own recovery, I keep bumping into it, knocking my shins on it, and frankly I’m getting sick of the bruises. It’s just something that I’m going to have to forgive myself for, and finally drop it and let myself have some grace.

We do that, don’t we? We let ourselves keep getting reminded of past failures or past mistakes that we think we just should have known better than to do. Truth is, none of us are perfect. We all make mistakes, and we all are wounded and sometimes act foolishly based on reactions to those wounds. I absolutely love the quote by Maya Angelou, I think I’ve even quoted it on my blog before, that says “we do what we know to do, and when we know better, we do better.” I find such truth in that. I made mistakes in my past, and now all I can do is squeeze every drop of wisdom I can from them, and do better the next time. But I have to admit, I have a hard time sometimes with the underlying forgiveness that this quote inspires…the implied grace of it that says that we screwed up because we didn’t know any better. We couldn’t help it.

It’s no secret that I’m hard on myself. I have a good strong conscience, and I’m glad I do. But I must learn to give myself the grace that I have no trouble whatsoever in giving to others by the bucket-full. Are you like me? Maybe you can understand what I’m talking about in your head, but your heart hasn’t gotten the memo yet. Let the grace in. Embrace the hurt little kid inside you, and tell them it’s going to be OK. Tell them they are forgiven. Tell them you love them. Maybe it sounds like “therapy mumbo-jumbo”, but it’s quite healing. Give it a try, and have a cry from your toes. I’ll join you…and go practice what I preach.

Thanks for reading. See you again soon.

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com