Shut The Frau Up!

Oct 29, 2012 | Blog, grace, inner voice, making changes, shame, Uncategorized

Pardon the play on words, but it really is the perfect title for this post! I promise by the end, you will understand why I chose it.

I was thinking this week about the “voices” we humans hear in our heads. No, this is not a schizophrenic or delusional thing I am talking about here! I am talking about the very normal, everyday thoughts that go through our heads. Have you ever noticed that you “talk” to yourself almost non-stop? What do the voices in your head say to you?

“I look really pretty today.”
“Wow, that was a stupid thing I just did.”
“She is so much skinnier than I am.”
“No one loves me.”
“I did a really good job on that project.”
“I am a terrible father.”
“I forgot to pay that bill.”
“I’m an idiot.”

Pretty much non-stop chatter in there, right? One time long ago, I had a therapist explain it to me like this…”we all have numerous ‘people’ and ‘personalities’ in our head, so to speak, it’s just a matter of which one steps up to the mic to be heard.” When it’s time to pay bills, the responsible financial analyst steps up. When in an argument, the angry teenager inside may come out to protect. When looking in the mirror, there may be more than a few choices as to who steps up to put their two-cents in.

And have you ever noticed that they don’t always agree? What if I can’t decide between breaking up with my boyfriend or trying to work it out? One part of me talks me into it, and another part of me talks me out of it. One part tells me I look great in my new jeans, and another part tells me I couldn’t look good in ANY jeans. One part of me knows that I am worthy of being loved well, and another part tells me that no one could ever love me. Catch my meaning?

So in my own recovery work, I have been thinking a lot about the voice in my head that tells me very mean, negative things. It is a very shaming voice, and this part of me absolutely excels at finding every single flaw about me, big or small. In order to name it, pay attention to it, and realize it when “she” steps up to the mic, I have given “her” a name…Frau Hitler. (I am German, and “frau” means “wife”, so it seems quite fitting.) She is just straight-up mean and nasty. I was telling a friend of mine about this idea, and she said, “when you talk about her, the picture of her that I imagine she would look like is Edna Mode from the movie, The Incredibles.” Hysterical! I assured her that the Frau is not like the cute and funny spitfire fashion designer portrayed in Edna. She is actually a shaming bully on steroids. She is the voice of damaged self-image and shame; and at times, it can seem as though she is screaming into a bullhorn!

I know this is a very common problem, in fact I think everyone has a Frau Hitler of some kind and to some degree running around in their head. Some more than others, and some folks give their particular “frau” more mic time than others. I have often wondered the best way to deal with this issue of damaged self-image and negative self-talk (shame), as a therapist-in-training. Warm and fuzzy audio tapes in the ears? Pasting affirmations to every mirror? Hypnosis? I mean seriously, what is the best way to build a positive self image?

Intuitive thinking would say “well, just start talking to yourself nicely.” Ya, like that’s super easy…right? I’ll just conjure up someone in my head who thinks I’m beautiful and lovable and the best thing since sliced bread and let HER/HIM have the mic…after all, she can take on this powerhouse that has ruled my thoughts about myself since I can remember…piece of cake. Um, no. Doesn’t work that way. Why? Because it feels like a lie. We can conjure it up, but we won’t believe it.

So instead, how about we take the back way in…the paradox, the counter-intuitive? Shut the Frau up! Commandeer her bullhorn immediately! You’ve heard the phrase, “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.” EXACTLY. Just do it in your own head! Let her take a nice, long vacation in Siberia, like for the rest of your life. Then, when that’s done, find out why she was created in the first place, and grieve the pain that made her. Work through it, feel it, process it, sit in it. Realize that she came from a lie: a lie you heard when you were little. Who insinuated, or straight-out TOLD you, that you were not good enough in some way? That person, or those people, became the voice of your Frau. When you stop listening to the lies and deal with the pain, the truth will begin to come into your thoughts naturally and start to heal you.

Who gets the most mic time in your head? My hope for you is that you can see the beautiful creature you are. Inside and out. To give the mic only to those parts of you that love, care for, and nurture you; and to take it away from any part that doesn’t. It may feel like doing so will give you permission to make mistakes or become arrogant, but that too is a lie. Keep hold of your conscience, let go of the shame. Learning to give this love and grace to yourself will help you see the world completely differently, create a peace in your mind that you’ve been dreaming of, and help you love others easily.

There you go. Now, affectionately and with all the love in my heart…..shut the Frau up!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Fair vs. Unfair

Jun 10, 2012 | anxiety, Blog, boundaries, enmeshment, family systems theory, grace, inner voice, Uncategorized

Recently I was in on a very interesting discussion on the topic of “fairness.” Wow, was it good! We were talking about how fair or not life can be, and I asked some questions to see how those around me felt about the topic. See how you would answer some of the questions I asked:

Is the world fair?
Is what happened to me as a kid, all the emotional wounds I received, fair?
Is someone cutting in line fair?
Does the reasoning behind their perceived unfair behavior matter, or change anything?
What if no one gets hurt?
What do you think?

Take a minute to ponder your ideas, or paradigm, about fairness.

My answer to the question “Is Life Fair or Not?” was “YES.” Yes, life is fair. Yes, life is unfair. This is gonna sound kinda weird, but…it depends on who you ask. I don’t mean which person in the world you ask, I mean which part inside of you that you ask. One of my mentors, Kathy Henry, LCSW taught me a way to look at myself on the inside to dis-entangle the myriad of thoughts, feelings, and reactions I could have to any given situation. She said that inside of us, we have an adult, an angry teenager, and a little child. Now, let me assure you, this is not a schizophrenic thing! It is just a way of thinking through things to help make sense of a complex set of thoughts and feelings.

To explain further, “Little Kid” is the part of your heart that is easily offended and hurt; is raw and sad from wounds; is voraciously needy for attention, affection, and acceptance; and pretty much thinks the world revolves around his/her perception. It’s the core of your heart, the vulnerable part of you…the part that is hurting…and the part that is so amazingly BEAUTIFUL! There is no pride living in this part of your heart; it is innocent and faith-filled, while also immature and having a limited view of the world.

“Angry Teenager” is your psychological walls…your Little Kid’s protector. It is your reactivity personified. When someone hurts you, or even if you perceive someone threatening to hurt you, Angry Teenager comes out in force and kicks some backside! He/she/it is a prickly porcupine, a green ogre, a 7-foot monster with a bazooka and a foul mouth. Whenever you need to back anyone off who you perceive as threatening to hurt any wound Little Kid might have, and adult is not around to have strong boundaries, Angry Teenager jumps to front and center and takes over the show. When you recognize this one coming out to play, it is an indicator that someone has hurt you or infringed upon your boundaries.

The Adult is your inner parent. This is the one who everyone thinks should be running the show, because that’s who looks like the adult body we see walking around. Unfortunately, that is rarely the case. Unless you’ve had quite a bit of recovery work under your belt, this is actually pretty unusual. Many folks have little kid and angry teenager running the show almost exclusively. Those who have Adult running the show some of the time usually come across as overly responsible and critical. They generally have a voice in their head that sounds something like “Good grief (insert your name here), you really messed that up, you are stupid, incompetent, a screw-up, or otherwise not good enough unless you perform perfectly, which you can’t…” The inner parent says to the inner child exactly what your parents said to you, verbally or non-verbally, while you were growing up…only on a bullhorn and repeating it over and over!

So how does that help organize all these thoughts, feelings, and reactions that I was talking about? If we can stop parenting ourselves in our own heads the way our parents wounded us when we were kids, we can start to love, accept, and care for the hurting little kid inside us. Instead of having angry teenager come out to our friends and loved ones…you know, the ones we hurt the most…we can redirect that scary monster away from them and toward the mean, critical, or passive inner parent! We can begin to take responsibility for our own feelings and actions instead of blaming others for them. The Adult becomes nicer, more nurturing, and more accountable inside for the only person it can control…itself. The little kid begins to heal while not only being heard, but also receiving the kind of parenting he/she has always longed for and never gotten.

Now, back to Fair vs. Unfair. What if we ask the little kid inside of you whether or not he/she thinks life is fair? Is it fair for a child to be hurt, abused, abandoned, or otherwise unloved? No, of course not. Each one of us is worthy of being loved and cared for perfectly. The problem is, NONE of us get it. No one. We are all wounded when we are little, and build psychological walls to protect ourselves from the wounding. Thank goodness we do, because without those walls as a kid, we would not be able to survive. Therapy and recovery is about figuring out the walls we built, tearing them down to heal the wounds behind them, and then learning new, mature and responsible (differentiated) ways of responding to painful stimuli. We can begin to see with new eyes, and hear with new ears.

What if we ask Angry Teenager if life is fair? I think he/she would say “Heck no! All of these bad ole people running around in the world hurting me? I’ll kick their backsides! Nothing is fair and I won’t ever think different!” Angry Teenager pouts and throws temper tantrums. Angry Teenager is the one who plays the part of victim, and keeps you STUCK. Do you know anyone who sounds like this? Do YOU sound like this? You may have an actual angry teenager living in your house that sounds like this! Older people who still sound like this have a hurting little kid inside, and an Adult who is not doing their job (boundaries, nurturing, non-reactive voice, etc.)

What if we ask Adult? Mostly, I think Adults, truly in their “adult/inner parent” space, would say that yes, life is fair. It’s fair that all of us didn’t get what we needed. It’s a dog-eat-dog world…and all that. We come to a place of acceptance, at least to a degree. Continuing to think about it in terms of fair vs. unfair is dangerous though. I don’t want you to hear that you deserved the pain you got; and, the world does have evil in it. You and I just needed our pain, to grow. It is what it is. Who grows and changes when they are happy and content?

Here’s where we become ready to take the big step, then. When we move toward a more differentiated, responsible, truly mature adult position…(are you ready?)…we stop feeling the need to ask the question. We become de-enmeshed with the rest of the world and what it’s doing. We realize that the things that happen to us and around us are what we need to grow and learn. We accept them more fully and peacefully. We realize everyone is walking around in an adult body with a hurting kid and angry teenager inside, and most are unaware of it. We exude calm and grace, love and accept others, have good boundaries and healing so angry teenager becomes obsolete….we are able to truly connect with others and we are finally peaceful.

What do you think about fairness now? I hope you enjoyed reading! I would love to hear any comments you have on this topic. Thanks for stopping by!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

What’s So Amazing About Grace?

May 5, 2012 | anxiety, Blog, boundaries, codependency, cut-off, divorce, enmeshment, faith-based living, forgiveness, grace, shame, Uncategorized

What’s So Amazing About Grace? is actually the name of a book authored by Philip Yancey. Back when I was going through my divorce a few years ago, it was extremely important to me to be able to leave it without any leftover resentment or anger. I didn’t want any residual bitterness or unforgiveness to continue hurting my heart. To that end, I did an intensive study on grace and forgiveness, including reading Yancey’s book, among several others. I think that grace and forgiveness are important concepts to understand when working on presenting concerns in therapy practices such as anger management, codependency, and anxiety. One of the things I liked best in Yancey’s book was this list of qualities of forgiveness. He states that forgiveness:

Halts the cycle of blame and pain.
Loosens the stronghold of guilt in the perpetrator.
Allows the possibility of transformation in the guilty party.
Is not the same as pardon…you may forgive the one that wronged you and still insist on a just punishment for that wrong. If you can bring yourself to the point of forgiveness, though, you will release its healing power both in you and in the person who wronged you.
Has it’s own extraordinary power which reaches beyond law and beyond justice.
Places the forgiver on the same side as the party who did the wrong. p. 103

The simplest way I can think of to define grace is ”forgiving someone who doesn’t deserve it.” Forgiving someone who deserves it is easy; they are sorry, repentent, their heart has turned, and you can sincerely believe them when they say that they will not do it again. Forgiving someone who doesn’t deserve it is extremely difficult. They are not asking for forgiveness, they may not care that they hurt you or may be straight-up oblivious, or they may be justifying their hurtful actions. You may even know quite well that, given the chance, they would make the same decision to hurt you again.

The difficulty in forgiving someone who doesn’t deserve it comes with the message we think we’re sending to the other person if we forgive them. We think we’re saying “it’s OK what you did” and even further, “go ahead and do it again.” Um, NO! What they did was absolutely NOT OK, and it is absolutely NOT OK for them to do it again! Continuing in this mindset that forgiveness equals saying it’s OK will keep anyone from forgiving. The truth is: Grace is a paradox. It requires that I get on the side of my enemy, not by defending their actions, but by defending their humanity. The attitude we have sometimes is “Forgive and the atrocities will repeat themselves.” But the opposite is true. Don’t forgive, and they will repeat themselves.

Other things that may keep us from forgiving is the notion that we are giving up our right to “get even.” If we forgive, we don’t get to pass judgment or inflict retribution. This is a black and white over-reaction where we see the other person as “all bad.” That’s cut-off (a.k.a. negative enmeshment). We may think that if we seek just consequences for someone who has hurt us that we haven’t truly forgiven.

As Yancey says though, this is a myth. Forgiveness does not equal pardon. We can still have rock solid boundaries with someone who has hurt us. That may even include a “geographical boundary” as Cloud and Townsend would say in their book Boundaries, because that person who hurt you is unsafe. We can say “what you have done is not OK, I will have a different relationship with you from now on with good boundaries, but I can forgive you in my heart so that I do not keep the negative connection with you alive in me.” Can I respond to this event by not accepting the painful behavior, perhaps even requiring just consequences; but also by not denying the humanity of the other person?

In any relationship…in a couple, between friends, with co-workers, in families…anywhere, hurts are inevitable. We are imperfect folks, and we will hurt others and they will hurt us. What we do with those hurts is what counts. When you hurt someone, can you humble yourself and apologize, or do you need to justify what you did? Deep shame feelings may cause people to be unable to admit they’ve hurt someone. Do you care for others’ feelings, or trample them to your own end? When someone hurts you, can you forgive them? Do you need to have a good boundary with them…meaning, can you protect and insulate yourself from them without attacking their worth has a human being? If you can’t bring yourself to forgive, ask yourself what the payoff is. What do I think I have to give up in order to forgive?

Check out Phillip Yancey’s book, What’s So Amazing About Grace?. It really helped me let go of resentment and bitterness years ago, and is still doing so today. The world has recently given me several huge opportunities to forgive people who’ve hurt me badly and not asked for forgiveness. I will be having strong boundaries with them, but I’ve also chosen to see them through the eyes of grace, because I want to be forgiven when I screw up too…and oh, honey…I do, holy cow. I try very hard to give what I want to receive, and treat others the way I want to be treated. The peace in my heart that comes from letting the negative connection go (lack of anger and anxiety) and developing good boundaries (no more codependency) is always worth the effort.

Thanks for stopping by. I’ll close up with a quote from What’s So Amazing About Grace…

“The world thirsts for grace. When grace descends, the world falls silent before it.” ~Philip Yancey

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

The One You Feed

Aug 13, 2011 | Blog, fear, grace, inner voice, self-care, shame, Uncategorized

A friend of mine posted this on our friends newsgroup, and I thought it fit quite well into what I posted on last week. Check it out:

An old Cherokee told his grandson, “My son, there’s a battle between two wolves inside us all. One is Evil. He is anger, jealousy, greed, resentment, inferiority, lies, & ego.The other is Good. He is joy, peace, love, hope, humility, kindness, empathy, & truth.” The boy thought about it & asked his grandfather, “Which wolf wins?” The old Cherokee quietly replied, “The one you feed.”

There is a ton of truth in this. Keeping our focus on the negative emotions and our dark side only serves to feed those emotions. Focusing on kindness, empathy, and love in the same way feeds those emotions. Which wolf is winning inside of you?

Let’s go one step deeper. Why would anyone want to feed the evil wolf inside of them? I’ve come to learn that some folks feed their negative emotions not because they like it so much, but because the negative emotions and pain are their “normal”. It is actually uncomfortable for them to feel joy, because that does not align with their self-truth…that they are not good enough. They also have a crippling fear that if they do try to feel good, peaceful, loved…they will ultimately crash and find out that their fear was right all along, that they aren’t lovable, and that is more painful by far than simply not trying. This lie paralyses all who choose to believe it.

If this describes you, deep seated shame holds you captive with fear. Facing it is very difficult. Do you have the courage to believe you’re good enough? It’s not easy. Is joy worth the risk? You bet it is. What you’ll find out, if you choose to try, is that believing you’re not worthy is the lie you’ve been living in, and you can defeat that lie and begin to feel good enough with only one person believing it is so…you. Others really don’t have to agree.

The connection you will feel if you allow the joy and love in holds the key to the lack of anxiety and the peace you yearn for. Recovery is not for the feint of heart. It’s easier if you have someone with you, encouraging you, holding your hair back while you puke, and guiding you along the path they’ve already walked. No change comes without pain.

A gifted therapist can make facing the fear bearable, and help you not slip back into your shame place, by helping you to see yourself objectively. Learn to starve the dark wolf inside of you. Not by ignoring it’s presence, but by being conscientious about not feeding it. Feed the good wolf and reap a harvest of peace and joy. It’s worth it, and it will eventually become your new normal. The change will feel uncomfortable for a good while, but eventually you will grow to where it will feel uncomfortable to be angry, sad, and depressed.

That’s what I have for you today. Happy wolf hunting!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Black, White, or Gray?

Jul 27, 2011 | abandonment, addictions, Blog, fear, forgiveness, grace, inner voice, shame, Uncategorized

I was visiting after our staff meeting today with one of my collegues, Jenn Lance, and she said something that stuck with me. She said, “I can see other people in shades of gray, but most times I only see myself in black or white.” Hmm. I had to agree that oftentimes I do the exact same thing. I’m either good enough or not, acceptable or not, smart or stupid…etc. You get the drift. I know I’m not the only one…

For me, what this is really about is having a hard time giving myself some grace. I give it to others by the bucket-full, yet abandon myself and the vulnerable little girl that lives inside of me. I can see others’ flaws and accept them for how and where they are on their journey, but I’m not so easy on myself sometimes.

The other day, a client was sitting in our waiting room reading a copy of Esther Perel’s book entitled “Mating In Captivity.” This is a book I read during my own season of couch-work. I listened to it in audiobook form, and it was basically like 8 hours of sex therapy. I began visiting with the client about it, and she asked what I got out of the book. I told her that what really surprised me about this book in particular was how much I learned about myself that had little or nothing to do with sex.

In particular, one part of the book that spoke to me talked about the dimmed, darkened, hazy mirror by which we view our dark side behind us. Sometimes we ignore it completely. It’s not directly in our field of view, but it’s there, affecting us all the same. It’s been a few years since I’ve read the book so I don’t remember exactly how Esther put it, but her point was that many of us deny the existence of our dark side, and in-so-doing, become a slave to it, or live at it’s mercy whenever it rears it’s ugly head.

The black and white thinking I’m talking about is a sort of denial of our dark side. The Bible calls it our “old Adam”, or our sinful nature. We all have our faults, fears, and wounds. Ignoring the existence of this side of you yields not only black and white thinking, and “no grace for Nancy,” but also allows you to be blindsided by it, do something you feel ashamed of or guilty for, and then beat yourself up.

I’m not suggesting that we give in to our dark side, (there is such a thing as right and wrong in my opinion, even though the location of the line is highly debated from person to person), but rather have the courage to look at it, understand it, and work on it as opposed to ignoring it’s existence. The pain and fear that lurks there is the birthplace of things like reactivity, fear, and addiction. Those dark feelings grow and fester in secrecy and anonymity.

Shining the light on this place can be very scary and may seem overwhelming. Taken in small amounts, and when you’re ready, looking at it can lead to healing and giving yourself the grace that we all need to give ourselves sometimes. It also happens to be the first step of the cure for shame. A gifted therapist can help you take a peek if it all seems like too much to face alone or is too hard to see.

There’s my schpeel for today. Thanks for stopping by!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

What Is It Like To Be You?

Jul 9, 2011 | Blog, counterdependency, cut-off, forgiveness, grace, respect, Uncategorized

I recently finished my second theory class as part of my Masters degree schooling. One of the theories studied was termed “symbolic interactionism”. The online Webster’s Dictionary describes it like this: “a theory that human interaction and communication is facilitated by words, gestures, and other symbols that have acquired conventionalized meanings.” In other words, we learn what words and ideas mean based on our environment and upbringing. An important thing to realize, then, is that I may have a different definition for a word or idea, etc., than you have, since our experiences have been different. It is important to be aware of that when working with clients or interacting with others, so that when we communicate, we are on the same page.

This is not a difficult concept to grasp. Misunderstandings occur with everyone, pretty much all the time. I was talking with a male client a few weeks ago about this very thing. We were discussing the subject of “flirting.” My definition of flirting is simply a social interaction that makes both people feel good, showing someone that I like them, or that I am enjoying their company and/or being friendly toward them, etc. Webster’s online describes it as ”acting amorously without serious intentions.” For my client, flirting is actively trying to pursue someone romantically or sexually. When I suggested that the lady he was interacting with probably thought of his kindness as “flirting”, he insisted that he was not, that he was only being kind. I did not question his motivation, we simply had a different definition of the word “flirt.”

We cleared up the misunderstanding quickly. I realized that his feeling that his intentions were misunderstood made him feel judged, which was totally NOT what I was going for! I remembered the dialogue process, and concentrated on learning about his “truths.” It reminded me that it is necessary to be careful in how I communicate and remember that others may hear the same word but have a different definition. I continually ask the question in my head…”what is it like to be you?” THAT is connection. In Imago theory, Harville Hendrix states that “the most important thing is how you experience me experiencing you.” I need to make sure that I am showing you that, even if we disagree, that you are important, worthwhile, smart, valid….. Then we will have connection, even if it’s in conflict.

One of my mentors at Family Tree Counseling, Jerry Wise, says it like this…”You can say almost anything at all to anyone, and they will hear it, if you are moving toward them when you say it.” Moving toward someone looks like this connection, learning what it’s like to be them, seeing them in a positive way, being curious about their world truths. If you hear the other person and want to know what it’s like to be them, they will be inclined to return the favor!

Something to keep in mind the next time you think your communication with someone is not going very well. Stop trying to tell them what you think, and listen to what they think. If they feel like you’ve heard them, they may just be curious about what you think too, and reciprocate. Then you will be heard too! That’s connection and true dialogical communication.

Thank you so much for stopping by. You’ve shown that you want to know what I think by stopping by and reading my blog. I am more than happy to reciprocate. Feel free to tell me what you think, too! Leave me a comment and tell me what your truth is. You are also welcome to email me at nancy@healingheartsofindy.com . Hope you’re having a great summer!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com