“Bad It!”

May 5, 2011 | Blog, counterdependency, grace, respect, Uncategorized

I’m thoroughly enjoying a much needed vacation this week! I do enjoy blogging very much, but haven’t had as much time as I’d like to do it lately, with the end of the spring semester and all. I ended up passing both of my classes with flying colors, though, another semester closer to done!

I want to keep it little bit light-hearted today, in honor of my time off, so I want to tell you a funny story. You know I’ve been talking lately about objectification, about “I-it” and “I-thou”. I-it relationships are where we value others based on what they can do for us…they are objects in our lives whose sole purpose is to benefit us. I-thou relationships value the other person’s feelings, world views, experiences, and love them for who they are, not what they can give us.

I was explaining this very concept lately to someone, and it turned into quite a good chuckle. I was pointing out how she many times values people for what they can give her, and she said “No, I really don’t, Nancy…well, except for my ex-husband, my ex-boyfriend, and my dad…and….” I said “OK, so you only objectify those who are closest to you then?” We laughed. Then she said, “But they are ‘BAD ITS’!!!!” I nearly lost it. That’s probably going to end up on the list of 10 funniest thing I’ve ever heard!

We did certainly have a good laugh over it. In fact, here on my vacation with my mom and sisters, whenever we see ourselves or someone else objectifying someone, we’ve been saying “Baaad It!” It’s been the running joke the whole trip! It’s really helpful, however, to realize how much we do objectify others, develop a keen awareness to it, and to instead choose to love them for who they are, not what they can give us. If you find yourself being critical, judgemental, harsh, victimy, or otherwise +/- (I’m OK, but you’re a piece of crap) with someone…remember to stop yourself from saying “Bad It”, and instead love them for who they are and how important they are in your life. It makes all the difference not only in them, but inside you, too!

Back to my vacation!!!! See you back here again soon.

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

To Forgive or Not to Forgive

Nov 18, 2010 | abandonment, Blog, boundaries, codependency, cut-off, faith-based living, forgiveness, grace, grief, inner voice, self-care

I need to have a little chat with myself today, so I thought I’d invite you in to join me. It’s a little less strange….right? OK, maybe not, but humor me…maybe you’ve had this same struggle.

So most of us out here, regardless of faith or spiritual beliefs, know that forgiveness is a totally necessary part of having a peaceful life. Am I right? Am I assuming too much? Holding a grudge hurts the one who’s holding it way more than the one it’s being held against, I think many would agree.

So what happens when it is SO difficult to forgive someone? There is not a question as to whether or not they hurt you, it’s a done deal. Now what? Whether they are sorry or not, whether they intend to do it again or not….completely independent of the other person and what they are doing or not doing…can you forgive them, inside of you?

I want to give you a bit of a different perspective on this situation, to see if it can help you put your focus on the only person you can change, control, or have any real say-so over in this situation….you. It’s kind of a bummer to always have to focus on your own issues, isn’t it? I hear that! This is the time, though, when it’s totally appropriate to be “selfish.” See, I know the secret: changing yourself and what you do will actually change the people around you too, (sometimes you have to give it time.) When people have hurt us, that’s exactly what we want, right?…to change them. The paradox is that you can’t change them, but the only chance you have to influence them to change is to change yourself and how you handle the situation. (When it comes down to it, the ultimate goal is to be OK in your own skin, and not try to change anyone. Just live your life in a way that is balanced and peaceful.)

So what about this new perspective I have for you? I’d like to propose this question: You’re having difficulty forgiving, but what if your lack of forgiveness isn’t really about a fear that it will “give them permission to hurt you again” as most people think forgiveness does? (not true, btw.) OR, about not wanting to convey the message to them that what they did was “forgivable?” What if it is nothing more than a defense mechanism to avoid something else? What are you avoiding? Do you feel like forgiving the other person is like telling them that what they did wasn’t so bad after all or that they can do it again because you’ll just forgive them again? This is also a paradox. NOT forgiving them will ensure it will happen again, and not finding your own healthy boundaries with them is really the problem. Grace is the only real chance there is for changing the heart of the other person. Your hatred or unforgiveness will keep their walls intact.

But my point today is, what if it’s something else? Do you use unforgiveness as an excuse to avoid finding a better way to have boundaries with the other person? Forgiveness doesn’t include an invitation to do the same thing again. Forgiveness says “I know you hurt me, and I forgive you. If you intend to treat me this way, we can no longer have a relationship, but if you can treat me with respect, we’re OK.” That is a healthy boundary. We are not called to abandon our own feelings or open ourselves up to abuse. That is a lack of self-control. But there is a difference between that, and not forgiving.

Do you use unforgiveness as an excuse for not insisting upon yourself that you maintain good boundaries and respectful relationships? Do you hide behind unforgiveness so you don’t have to have difficult conversations? Are you trapped by the fear that forgiveness gives others permission to hurt you more? These are all illusions. It’s up to you to control your boundaries in a respectful, loving way. Not forgiving is focusing on the other person too much, being enmeshed with them, and it keeps you tied to them in an unhealthy way, even if you’re miles apart. It is also a form of judging them, and looking down on them. Instead, look in the mirror and the unforgiveness will melt away like warm butter.

More than anything, in the deepest recesses, I think being unwilling to forgive allows us to hold on to our pain. You may wonder why anyone would want to hold on to their pain, but most people do to some extent. Pain serves a purpose, too. It can be a protective wall. It can be an attempt to control another person. It can be a way to avoid dealing with it inside ourselves. It can even be an excuse. Or, have you ever heard of the idea that the opposite of love is not hate, but undifference? I think many who refuse to forgive fear indifference, or having NO connection to that person at all. Letting it go means finding new ways to cope, letting go of control, finding a new relationship with that person or not having a relationship with them at all (maybe even more painful), and leaves us feeling vulnerable and exposed. It happens anytime we allow our walls down. Finding a new, more balanced way to cope is difficult, but isn’t purging the pain of it worth the journey?

One last thing. A Litmus test. This is how you know you’ve got it; you know you have really forgiven. Can you think of the person who hurt you without disliking them or calling them a derogatory name in your head? What about if that person came to you and wanted to apologize, would you accept it lovingly? (Remember, that doesn’t mean you have to let them back into your life. Take that slow, and only if you want to, trust takes time, and only YOU know if you’re willing to give them another chance.)

There’s my two cents for today. I hope I listened to myself….I needed to hear it. Thanks for sitting in on the chat!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Defending Boundaries With Finesse

Oct 6, 2010 | Blog, boundaries, codependency, cut-off, fear, grace, respect, Uncategorized

Thanks for stopping by today! I apologize that I have not been blogging more often lately…grad school is proving demanding of my extra time. I appreciate you coming again to read my latest post.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about boundaries, and more to the point, how to have good ones without cutting off from others or being overly aggressive. It struck me the other day when I was talking with a friend, and she was describing the need to “fiercely defend her boundaries”. I wondered how massive the attack must have been to require such a fierce defense. Turns out, the thing that was threatening my friend’s boundaries would have been, for most people (metaphorically), a baby kitten! There was a bit of an overreaction going on, with my friend feeling like a T-Rex was threatening her gates.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am all for having good boundaries. They are absolutely necessary in a world full of sinners like us. I wonder though, if we can learn something about ourselves from our boundaries….the ones we find it necessary to have. For example, do you have a boundary with your spouse about leaving their clothes on the floor? What is it about that, that makes you so reactive?

Boundaries are for guarding places that are painful to us, even the simple ones like needing someone to pick up after themselves. So when someone causes you to be “fierce” (or even reactive) can you see the pain underneath that is causing your ferocity, and the need for that boundary? Heal the pain underneath and your walls won’t have to be nearly as strong, nor your reactions nearly as fierce. Your walls will be more permeable, and love and intimacy can flow through them more easily.

We can learn to have good boundaries without being fierce about it. Strong, but not aggressive. Immovable without reactivity. Stand up for how we feel without needing to squish the other person like a bug. It takes finesse. It can be learned in your head pretty quickly, but being able to put it into practice regularly takes time, practice, and healing… mastering it in your heart. It’s learning to see others not as T-rexes, but as hurting kids in adult bodies. I love this thing my co-worker Jerry says, “You can say almost anything to anyone, if you’re moving toward them when you say it”. That doesn’t mean you should lean in to someone’s grill while you’re telling them to back off, I’m not talking about physical proximity; but instead to see them lovingly, as a “+”, as though inviting them toward your acceptance…into your understanding of their needs and pains. Give them a safe place to exist while explaining what’s going on.

Aggressiveness, reactivity, and the need to be fierce are all things that push others away. It may seem like that’s the goal when someone is invading our boundaries. ”Get the heck away from me!” Right? Get the other person to back out of your space and never want to come in again, lest they meet your sturdy defenses! I think a better, (paradoxical) and more effective overall approach is to move toward them by keeping my own reactivity in check, and seeing them as someone who is hurting, too. A kitten, not a t-Rex.

Look deeper than your boundaries to the underlying pain. See others as little kids who are in just as much pain as you are. Nurture them instead of snapping at them. That’s what will eventually stop them from continuing to infringe on your boundaries more in the future. After all, meeting someone’s strong defenses most of the time just tells the other person that your boundaries call for heavier artillery. Less need for defenses invites peace and cooperation. Knowing yourself, where you end and everyone/everything else begins, is the key. Not easy, but you can do it!

See you again soon.

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Making Sure The Next One is Mr./Mrs. Right Pt. 1

Aug 5, 2010 | abandonment, Blog, codependency, divorce, family systems theory, grace, self-care

This is going to be a two- or three-part blog, because I am feeling verbose on this subject! I’ve been inspired! One post just isn’t going to cut it.

I’ve mentioned before that I’m a fan of Family Systems Theory. Thankfully for me, I work with a group of pretty salty family systems therapists! They are all kind enough to mentor me, and keep me on course with the development of my craft. One of the therapists on staff has dedicated years of study to deepening his understanding and practice of this particular paradigm; I’ve spoken of him before, Jerry Wise. He has a blog too, and we were discussing a post of his about abandonment and a question he was asked about it, in the waiting room the other day. Something he said is totally turning my mind to gooey gray matter this week, as he’s been known to do before!

Remember how we were discussing the map, and seeing the whole map of our issues all at once, and how sometimes thinking counter-intuitively can help pinpoint the problem, which may be far away from what is causing the symptoms in our relationships? (See post “Family Systems, A Tiny Morsel”) That is family systems stuff through and through. Today’s topic is no different. Jerry and I were talking about abandonment, like I said, and specifically the symptom of loneliness. Fair enough, I thought. If you’re abandoned, you’re probably lonely, right? And loneliness itself isn’t the problem, it’s a symptom of a deeper issue. OK, I’m trackin…so far so good.

Then he said that if you have the symptom of loneliness, the core issue you really have, the root problem causing it on the other side of your issue map, is really an “allergy to intimacy.” Hold the phone there, Bub. If someone’s lonely, isn’t what they really want some good intimacy? How could someone who’s lonely really be allergic to intimacy? You lost me with that one. Stick with me though, I’m going to try to explain what he said as simply as possible…how I understand it. Let’s talk about it in example form, for ease in understanding’s sake. Let’s call our lonely, abandoned girl Kim.

Kim has had some relationships that have ended painfully, and more than anything she doesn’t want to have another failed pairing; but she also knows that she feels lonely for a romantic relationship. Understandable, right? It’s normal and natural to want a close personal relationship, emotionally, physically, etc. And I would interject here that simply wanting a relationship is not a problem in itself. But our girl Kim really wants a relationship because she’s experiencing the symptom of loneliness, and she needs to soothe her feeling of loneliness with another person.

Would you think that what Kim really has going on is an allergy to intimacy? Probably not. I sure as heck didn’t see that one coming, and I gave Jerry a really confused look when he said it. Huh? Here’s how he explained it to me. If Kim has the symptom of loneliness, and she is longing for another (hopefully healthy, balanced this time) person to fill the loneliness, somewhere on her map of issues she is underfunctioning in, or has an allergy to, intimacy. Is your face twisted and contorted like mine was yet? Eyes squinting? Little head scratching, perhaps? Stay with me…

Kim, out of her own issues, is still looking to someone else to fill her up. In this way she is overly-needy. In some way she is unable to find fulfillment in herself, and/or she may have an intimacy or under-closeness/over-closeness problem with her parents or siblings. If you’re tracking that train of thought, the next question that naturally comes is, “How does someone have an allergy to intimacy inside themselves? Does an intimacy problem in my family of origin, (people that I hardly ever see anymore even perhaps,) still affect me? (YES!) And what does an allergy to intimacy look like, and how does one fix it?” I admit, it’s kind of a tough sell to someone who says they crave intimacy, and especially if they may be over-functional in their level of ability to have intimacy with other people. The point is, if there is loneliness for intimacy, somewhere on the map we’ll find an intimacy allergy…a place where Kim is under-functional, intimately. Let’s take a swing at answering those questions:

Let me ask you this way, and see if it helps shed some light on it…where do you think Kim is abandoning herself? A closer look at someone like Kim will probably show that she is too other-centered. Maybe she doesn’t have good self care. Perhaps she has a hard time forgiving herself for imperfections or mistakes, and she shames herself and feels she isn’t good enough. Maybe she makes caring for everyone else more important than making sure she’s taken care of, too. When her hurting little girl on the inside cries out in pain, she in effect ”shushes” her. In any or all of these ways, she abandons herself. She’s not in-tune to her own needs, and ignores them.

So how does Kim fix this imbalance? Like 12-steppers would say…the first step is admitting you have a problem, right? True that! She needs to recognize she has an allergy somewhere. She needs to see her own unbalance, instead of concerning herself with over-scrutinizing potential mates! She needs to learn to have better boundaries. She needs to learn to give herself grace, listen to herself and take care of her own needs, and address her shame issues. These are all things that work to resolve and heal your childhood pain and make your psychological walls more permeable. Kim also needs to see where her expectations fo
r relationships are unhealthy. This is all stuff that happens in therapy!

Now then…how does all of this play into who she will choose as a future (hopefully) Mr. Right? Will she be attracted to another Mr. Wrong no matter what? Is there real hope to be had for a future, healthy relationship? Tune in next time for the answers to these most intriguing questions!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Grief, With A Large Side-Order Of Fear…

Jun 2, 2010 | Blog, divorce, fear, grace, grief

Although I admittedly have not read many of his books, I’ve come to find through hearing told some stories he has written (The Lion, The Witch, & the Wardrobe comes to mind) reading some quotes by him, and hearing his name here and there in discussions, that I probably would have liked C.S. Lewis a lot. I think he would have given me lots of things to think about, and great topics to blog about, too! Here is the latest quote I found by him that spoke to me:

“No one ever told me that grief felt so much like fear.” -C.S. Lewis

Wow, I really connected with that one. If you’ve been reading my blog for awhile now, you know I’m a truth-seeker, and I found a lot of truth in this one. (First, let me jump on in and give you some background, and then I’ll tie it all up at the end.)

OK, so, going through a divorce is really a grieving process, and I’m hear to tell you, it’s not an overnight one as you’re probably aware. I am actually starting to think that deep losses where no one dies, where those you love make a choice to not love anymore, just might be even more painful than losses to death. (It’s not a competition as to what kind of loss hurts most, of course, not at all. I just wanted to put it out there as food for thought that sometimes having someone choose the loss can make it sting all the more.)

Most big losses in life are grieved for an average of 2 years. Yep. That’s the bad news. The initial difficult part of the grieving can last for a month or two; but really the whole grieving process all together takes between 1-3 years, depending on the person and the closeness/nature of the loss. Knowing that does help to understand and give grace to someone who isn’t getting over something as quickly as one might think they should…including oneself, I’ve come to learn. This average of 2 years, though, is also the good news…I find it comforting to know that when I have a huge loss, it will eventually get easier to bear, and my heart will heal.

I can remember the day my heart broke…when I realized my marriage had very little chance of survival. Although I knew I was not done trying to save it, and I still had hope that it could be saved (and with both of us working on our own issues I believe it absolutely could have been; I am totally convinced that this really is the key to saving any troubled marriage)…my heart felt like it made an almost audible sound the minute when the reality of the situation sunk in…and it just shattered. I let out a tiny wimper, and curled up like a newborn for a soft, broken cry. I can still remember vividly what that pain feels like, and I’ll likely never forget it. Now, though, my heart has had time to mend, and I am so very grateful for all I have learned. I can tell you that the entire process has taken about 2 years, and that my heart is again filled to overflowing with joy.

Here’s where the quote comes in. That day my heart broke began a season of grief and pain for me…but that grief really felt a lot like fear! A large part of an event that one needs to grieve, after all, is change. Huge change. Unexpected and as-of-yet unknown change, perhaps. Day-to-day living changes in many, if not all, areas of life: financial, emotional, physical, etc. Fear of change, of the unknown, is natural. It is also sometimes extremely hard to accept that things will never again be like they once were. It takes time to process through it, accept it, and move through that difficult season.

Grieving a divorce is grieving the death of a dream, and it is very painful. Coping with all of the changes that ensue with that kind of event is fear-inducing. Eventually though, as the changes become “the new normal”, the anxiety decreases and so does the grief. It takes a lot of strength to face it, and even more to allow yourself to feel it. It’s difficult to keep moving forward, but if you can make it through each moment as it comes, you will make it to your milestones. (I have to give it up to my girl Beth Moore for that terminology, although she used it in a different context.)

Did you hear my latest milestone a little bit ago? I said ”my heart is again filled to overflowing with joy.” That’s a milestone for me…being able to say that and absolutely mean it. (Insert happy-dance here!!!) I had to make it through many tear-filled and fear-filled moments to get here. It can be done. You can do it, too. Just have the courage to feel it, ask for help if you need it, face the fears of change, and give yourself the grace to accept that it is going to be difficult and might just take awhile. “Difficult” is where growth comes from and growth is why we’re here. Embrace it. One moment at a time.

That’s my 2 cents for today. See you again soon!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

When We Know Better

May 11, 2010 | Blog, forgiveness, grace, self-care

OK, I know I’ve talked about this before, but it’s something that I struggle with, so I’m going to blog about it somemore, and preach some more to myself. I need to talk myself into some things, so you can come along for the ride, and hopefully learn and heal from my struggles.

I’ve had this thing that happened a long time ago…something that has bothered me for quite some time, a passing thought, a warning in my spirit, or whatever you’d like to call it. It has kinda haunted me off and on since it happened, almost 10 years ago. Recently, as I continue to delve deeper into my own recovery, I keep bumping into it, knocking my shins on it, and frankly I’m getting sick of the bruises. It’s just something that I’m going to have to forgive myself for, and finally drop it and let myself have some grace.

We do that, don’t we? We let ourselves keep getting reminded of past failures or past mistakes that we think we just should have known better than to do. Truth is, none of us are perfect. We all make mistakes, and we all are wounded and sometimes act foolishly based on reactions to those wounds. I absolutely love the quote by Maya Angelou, I think I’ve even quoted it on my blog before, that says “we do what we know to do, and when we know better, we do better.” I find such truth in that. I made mistakes in my past, and now all I can do is squeeze every drop of wisdom I can from them, and do better the next time. But I have to admit, I have a hard time sometimes with the underlying forgiveness that this quote inspires…the implied grace of it that says that we screwed up because we didn’t know any better. We couldn’t help it.

It’s no secret that I’m hard on myself. I have a good strong conscience, and I’m glad I do. But I must learn to give myself the grace that I have no trouble whatsoever in giving to others by the bucket-full. Are you like me? Maybe you can understand what I’m talking about in your head, but your heart hasn’t gotten the memo yet. Let the grace in. Embrace the hurt little kid inside you, and tell them it’s going to be OK. Tell them they are forgiven. Tell them you love them. Maybe it sounds like “therapy mumbo-jumbo”, but it’s quite healing. Give it a try, and have a cry from your toes. I’ll join you…and go practice what I preach.

Thanks for reading. See you again soon.

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com