Hidden Stuckness

Apr 13, 2010 | Blog, grace

When I read an article, book, or blog, I always try to find truths about myself, my own situation, and the world in general. I am a die-hard truth-seeker. I ask myself, how can I learn and grow from this information? This time though, the truth is that I’m really not feeling very stuck right now. Don’t get me wrong…I’ve been stuck in my own mud but good on many occasions. Right now, though, I’m chasing my dreams and living freer than I ever have because of my hard work on my own recovery. I know though, that it takes diligence to not get stuck again, and practice and time to become better at staying unstuck and knowing where the mud is so I can avoid it. I’m not blind to a few places where I AM stuck yet and I’m working on them, and I’m pretty sure that I’ll find out that I am blind to a couple places yet, too!

That’s what I wanted to talk about today…that hidden stuckness. Where we are stuck but we don’t even realize it. Since by definition I can’t see my own hidden stuckness, hence the word “hidden”, I will talk about a hidden stuckness I see in a dear friend of mine who is not ready to face it, and maybe it will help you see some of your hidden stuckness, too. (You know we can all see the splinter in someone else’s eye FAR better than we can see the log in our own! If it weren’t true, we could all fix ourselves! That’s why people seek counseling!)

So this friend of mine has a big hurt from something that happened a long time ago. For the past several years now, she has had an excellent geographical boundary with the person who hurt her, and never sees him. (It’s called “cutoff.” Can ANYONE out there relate to this?) This keeps the hurt as a “thing of the past” in her feelings, she rarely thinks of it, which takes the edge off, and she feels like she has healed and is “over it.” And you know, she may have done more healing about it than I even know about…completely possible! All I really need to know, however, to know that she is really stuck underneath and not completely healed, is that she refuses to tell this person that she forgives him, and still harbors a tremendous disdain for him. And you know what? By our human standards, he doesn’t really deserve forgiveness anyway! He did, after all, hurt her badly. Even though she was not a victim and had a part to play in the situation, she is correct that he did, too, and he did in fact do some things very wrong.

Most people think that forgiving someone will only ensure that the offensive behavior will happen again. Like forgiving is conveying the message that what that person did was OK when it really wasn’t. In reality though, the opposite is true. By not forgiving, she is ensuring it will happen again! She is also ensuring that she will never be free from it, the bondage of that resentment and unforgiveness will remain for as long as she chooses to hold on to it. It’s so hard to lay things like that down, and even harder once you do, to not pick them back up! Grace really is the only chance to stop the stuckness, not continuing to insist that she is healed and trying to forget about it and move on. Ignoring and denying a part of her that is stuck because she’s now used to it and doesn’t want to face the hard challenge of forgiving him to his face doesn’t make her any less stuck. In fact it is the very thing that keeps her stuck.

Harboring resentment for someone who has hurt you announces loud and clear that you have an area where you are stuck, not truly completely healed and self-differentiated, not graceful, and are actually still tied to that person in an unhealthy way. In therapy, this is the first thing that clients must learn from their therapist: stop looking at the other person and what they did, and concentrate solely on your own issues! What they did is for them to look at and own, not for you to attempt to change for them. With the help of a good counselor, you can learn how to use the conflict with the person you are in a relationship with (spouse, friend, or otherwise) to illuminate areas that you need to work on inside you. By holding on to ill feelings toward someone for something in the past, you only work to keep the focus on them and not your own issues, and keep yourself stuck. “But he…” or “But she…” is the battle cry of everyone trying to focus too much on the other person and not themselves and what they need to learn and change within. Freedom and recovery come from humility, teachability, and introspection; not blaming and trying to change the other person. Believe me, that just will not work, I’ve tried it at length!

If you can honestly and humbly forgive another when they don’t deserve it, (true grace) and not continue the strong dislike, or even hatred, of the other person, you can then say that you have begun to heal and move on. You can see the other person as “OK, who they are, and as healthy as they are, and not healthier” and can achieve freedom from the situation and the pain associated with it through acceptance. You can instead look on them with compassion and grace, and in-so-doing release the burden of hatred and receive the freedom of true healing. Keep in mind the truth that your hatred is not nearly as toxic to the person you hate as it is to you. Just puke it!

If you’ve got this scenario going on, get into a detox program…with a therapist or pastor etc…someone who can help you see things objectively. Learn to forgive and accept to achieve freedom from your stuckness. Maintain good boundaries with people who are not safe, of course; I’m not suggesting otherwise. (I don’t think my friend should trust the person that hurt her to be careful with her feelings, because there is a good chance he won’t, and he has not earned that trust from her. She should forgive him AND keep her distance. Give the forgiveness time to work in their heart.)

For your own sake, learn what there is to learn from the people you don’t get along with. Those relationships can tell you more about yourself and where you need to heal than your warm fuzzy relationships ever will. Your painful relationships are meant to refine you and teach you about yourself. You can learn, or you can stay stuck and miserable, you get to choose!

Thanks for stopping by. More soon.

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

“Quite Unwilling”

Mar 22, 2010 | Blog, codependency, grace

I got tickled last night at my Bible class. I’m doing a Beth Moore study called “Breaking Free.” Wow, is it good. I’m really enjoying it.

Beth quoted 1 Corinthians 16:12 that tells of Paul “strongly urging” Apollos to go somewhere, and Apollos being “quite unwilling” to do so, but that he would go when he had the opportunity. The girls and I at Bible class were really having fun with that. We were talking really about some issues of codependency going on in our lives, and every time someone brought up something they felt pressured to do by someone else, but didn’t want to, someone else would chime in and say “tell them you’re ‘quite unwilling.’”

It sounds easy, doesn’t it? To just say in a completely pleasant voice that you just straight-up don’t want to take on a new project, or whatever it might be. Some folks don’t take no for an answer that easily, right? I bet Apollos had to say no more than once to Paul. But what if we just kept reactivity out of it, and calmly and simply kept reiterating that we were “quite unwilling” to do it? I think even the most persistent recruiter would eventually get the hint.

Try it out next time someone asks you to do something you don’t want to or can’t do. Maintain a good tone, and be very pleasant and matter of fact. You’ll be taking care of yourself in a healthy way without being unpleasant or ungraceful to others.

See ya next time you are quite willing to look me up!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Codependency, Counterdependency, & Giving, Part 1

Mar 16, 2010 | Blog, codependency, counterdependency, grace

I’d like to do a little series of blog entries on codependency, counterdependency, and giving. I’m not sure how many posts it will entail, but it’ll be a few. (I know I promised not to use too many big therapy-type words, but I’ll give you some definitions, because I sure as heck didn’t know what they meant a few years ago before I started my recovery work! I had never even heard of them.) So anyway, let’s just jump on in, starting with those definitions.

Codependency manifests itself in many ways. The textbook symptoms are passivity, being other-oriented, overly needy, not having a strong voice, etc. Codependents do not have good boundaries with others. But if you really look underneath these behaviors closely and honestly, there actually lies the exact opposite of them as well: all codependents have an equally strong, mostly hidden, concurrently functioning counterdependent side, too. They inherently are, and can for a short time become, independent, overly confident, self-centered, and have a very loud voice also. I’ve heard it described as “the Coke bottle effect.” If you have a warm bottle of Coke and shake it up, eventually when the top is popped, you are going to be covered with a sticky mess. That’s what happens with codependents. The counterdependent side shows itself when they are pushed beyond what they can bear because of their weak boundaries and unmet needs. Allow me to explain further.

Codependents seemingly work and work for the benefit of others, selflessly giving to meet others’ needs. When it comes to their own needs however, they are too passive, and they do not have a strong enough voice to ask that their own needs get met. They lack good boundaries and let others take from them until they are emotionally, and sometimes even physically, depleted. None of this is news; there are multiple books available discussing codependency, and I’m betting you all know someone like this or are someone like this! I would like to explore a bit deeper what is underneath these behaviors, and in later posts, some other ways that codependency can manifest itself that are less mainstream.

Now, I’m gonna rock your codependent world. Ready? Being other-oriented in a codependent way is actually in a strange paradoxical sense self-serving. Yes, you read that correctly. A selfish codependent? That’s an oxymoron, right? How can someone who gives so much to others be labeled “self-serving”? In one simple way, by being selfless you can put yourself in the position of a martyr. You codependents out there, be honest with yourself. Why are you letting yourself be so other-oriented that you become worn down and tired of it all? What’s the payoff? You ARE getting a payoff, or you wouldn’t be doing it.Is doing for others turning you into a (pardon me) nag? Are you routinely sarcastic and cutting, or maybe a tad whiny? Or maybe you just collapse at the end of the day, emotionally exhausted? Can you take a look at yourself and be that honest?

All of this is because of the real, underneath reason you are “serving others”: because of your underlying need for attention, acceptance, or both. You may have a hard time seeing or admitting it, but give yourself a little test. If you feel drained by all you give instead of energized, or if you feel like you can only give if the recipient is grateful, or if you feel under-appreciated…then you ARE driven by these motivating factors. Look deep and be truthful with yourself, and you will see that I’m right.

You need others to tell you what a great person you are, how wonderful your giving is, and to be well-thought-of , respected, or liked for all you do. You have a need to be thanked. You have a need to be validated. Maybe you just want to be a “good person.” You want God to think well of you and bless you. You want to be a good CHRISTian. It could be any number of reasons that are motivated by a desire to “be good.” (And let me just say, it’s not bad to want to be good!) But the truth is, if you get worn down and tired out by giving of yourself, you absolutely are looking for and getting something in return for what you give, and that makes it ultimately self-serving and unhealthy. It stings, but it’s the truth.

Which need are you trying to get people (or even God) to fill: acceptance or attention? When you give, what are you expecting in return? Giving with an expectation of something in return is not truly giving, it’s trading. And you are expecting something in trade that the other person more than likely did not agree to!! (I would also add that it has no component of grace to it! Grace is impossible in the presence of expectation.) Ultimately, your motivations are self-serving, and out pops your counterdependence. If you feel depleted or are looking for something in return, you are giving to try to get some of your underlying needs met, and you are not having good boundaries with whatever is depleting you. You are being codependent and simultaneously counterdependent, and not as graceful and giving as you think you are. That’s the unhealthiness I want to illuminate.

That’s enough for now. Chew on it awhile and tell me what you think. Look again soon for the next installment; I have a lot more to cover!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Come Down From Your Tower

Mar 14, 2010 | Blog, grace

A friend of mine the other day was talking about a woman she was working with on a volunteer project. This other lady was talking down to her, insulting her, and basically “being snotty” for no visible reason at all. (My boss just blogged about why this lady may have been acting this way in a good post titled “Hurt People Hurt People,” check out Mark Smith’s blog link below.) So anyway, my friend, who is a CHRISTian lady and sweet as could be, said to me, “Why do people like that make me want to act so unCHRISTian-like?”

It made me think of something I heard once, I believe it was in Yancey’s book on grace, that was a quote I believe was attributed to the Dahli Lama. He said, “I love your Jesus, but I don’t like your CHRISTians.” There is a good reason for this, and I can see why he said it. He said it because most people in the world, even CHRISTians who are held accountable to this standard by non-believers, do not practice the incredibly difficult art of repaying ungrace with grace.

When it comes down to it, we just aren’t perfect, and we are oftentimes so wounded ourselves that anyone coming near us gets a tongue-lashing for stepping too close our woundedness. Those are the walls that keep people at arm’s length and keep us armored from the world. I think of a beautiful princess being cooped up in a high tower of a castle, and no one can get to her. Really though, the princess yearns for love and connection. She just doesn’t realize that there is a way out of her tower, and she has the power to have visitors anytime she wants.

I do not believe we are meant to live our lives isolated and behind walls. We need to have good fences (boundaries), of course, so that we don’t lose our own place in the world; but we are not meant to cut-off from others. Like the lady at the beginning who was being “snotty,” isolating herself from others and lashing out in her pain. Instead of isolation, we need to insulate ourselves with good boundaries, and instead of high walls, have short fences with gates in them. It allows people to see who you are, and those that are safe to come into our hearts for a visit, without completely cutting off from anyone who may hurt us.

So when you run into someone who is giving you a healthy dose of ungrace, do the hardest thing, and return that ungrace with grace. You will be amazed at the way it walks right around the high walls people have, and softens them. The world is full of people living walled-off and for themselves, hurting in solitude. In the presence of true grace, they will drop everything and listen intently, because more than anything, I believe it is what people long for the most: to figure out the way out of their towers. Grace lights the way.

Thanks for coming by. Stop in again soon.

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Grace: It’s Not Just For Others

Mar 8, 2010 | abandonment, Blog, grace, inner voice, shame

So let’s just jump right in to catching you up with what’s going on in my recovery. Like I said, I’m going through a divorce. What a rich garden of material to use to learn about myself! All along as I came to this decision, it was and still is very important to me to handle the transition from wife/mom to single/mom well, and with utmost grace. I actually took time to do a study on grace…went to the library and checked out books on grace even…to help me sort through my pain and feelings about the split and learn the best and healthiest way to get through it. (My favorite grace book was “What’s So Amazing About Grace” by Philip Yancey. It’s worth the read.)

So far it has worked pretty well. I do have almost 4 years of recovery work under my belt, but the grace studies helped me work my way through my feelings in a very particular way, and keep me on track. I really wanted to get through my divorce without bitterness in my heart. My husband and I are quite civil with each other, and are able to talk with each other without anger and reactivity. That is something I am SO grateful for/proud of. Divorce is hard enough without more pain being inflicted every time we talk.

What I’ve come to realize lately though is that I don’t really have a problem giving others grace, including my near-ex, because I have had to receive so much! When you feel forgiven yourself, it’s much easier to forgive others. What I’ve been working on lately though, inside me, is giving myself grace. (Now, let me preface this next part by saying that when I talk about “my inner voice,” I’m not saying that I “hear dead people” or that I’m schizophrenic or something! I’m just talking about the voice that everyone hears in their head…that is their thoughts, OK? OK then. Here we go.)

You know, it didn’t really dawn on me that I needed to give myself any of this grace I was working so hard to process through for my divorce, or that I wasn’t already doing so! After all, I’ve been a CHRISTian since childhood, I know I’m forgiven. One of my close friends recently pointed out, however, that if I spoke to my friends the way my inner voice speaks to me in my head, I would not have any friends! Wow. That was just so incredibly true, and hit me like a 2×4. I have some “tapes” in my head that I listen to…well-worn recordings from when I was little on, like we all do… that tell us truths about the way things are. I realized lately how much some of mine are just straight up mean to me! Critical, shaming, and otherwise putting me down. What about you? Am I the only one?

Well, I didn’t know how much that realization was going to affect me. Every time lately that I hear those mean thoughts, I shut them down immediately. Instead of letting that voice beat me to a pulp, I give myself grace and cut myself some slack. I grew up in a hard-core German family with very high moral standards and a strict work ethic. There’s nothing wrong with that, and it does make me a very upstanding, hard-working citizen, sure; but it sometimes feels as if I have a little Nazi in my head! A voice that tells me that I have to measure up, to be excellent, and if I’m not then I’m not worth the air I breathe. Who knew? I knew I had abandonment, but a very respected therapist I heard once at a training said that “all abandonment has underlying shame.” I’ve come to see that that really is true.

Think about it this way. When you have feelings of abandonment, what is really going on underneath it? Someone triggers your abandonment, and your inner voice says “they left me, they don’t love me, and they don’t care about my needs, I’m so sad and hurt.” But what is really underneath that? I think what is really the underlying fear in this situation is shame. The real thought underneath is “they left me, so I’m not worth loving or being cared for.” That is a shame statement. The same is true for shame statements you hear from your inner voice. When your shame is triggered, your inner voice says, “I’m a piece of crap, I will never be good enough.” But what is really going on underneath is a voice that says, “since I can never be good enough, everyone will leave me and no one will love me.” That’s abandonment. And ya know what…and I’ll talk more about this another day…grace is what ultimately heals both abandonment and shame!

I’m just starting to realize that I can still be the best I can be, and be a very hard-working upstanding citizen, without the Nazi in my head kickin’ my ass every minute. I have learned to give myself some grace. I am also learning to rewrite some of the well-rehearsed, nasty things on the “tapes” in my head. Things I didn’t realize needed rewriting because I was so used to hearing it, and I thought they were necessary to keep me from “doing bad things”, as a little kid would say. After all, that’s when I learned to say those things to myself, when I was little.

So there’s where I’m at in my own work this week. Grace: It’s Not Just For Others! It’s for you, inside your own thoughts as well. The realization that I wasn’t giving myself enough grace has brought a ton of healing, more than I knew I needed. I hope I’ve given you something to think about that will bring you some healing too. Stop by again soon.

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com