What Does Grief Look Like?

Jan 16, 2019 | abandonment, Blog, cut-off, grief, Kristen, self-care, Uncategorized

Before I begin my blog post, I want you to know I am okay, I have fantastic support, and I have been ready for this moment, and I am at peace so do not feel sorry for me because I truly am okay. Now, some of you may know, I recently lost my mom to cancer this year. Yes, this year; 6 days in. It was a crazy but calm, up and down, and long but short, ride. I bring this topic up because I want you to know; I know grief, and let’s be real: it sucks.

Now what I want to talk about is what does grief look like? It looks like someone quietly holding their loved one’s hand fighting back tears, it looks like someone bawling loudly regardless of where they are, it looks like someone snapping at a loved one, or snapping at anyone who asks a question. It looks like a group of people huddled around sharing about the good times the bad times and all the times in between. It looks like someone wanting a quiet moment only for themselves. It looks like a group of people in the same room not saying a word. It looks like tears, it looks like hugs, it looks like pushing people away, it looks like relief that this journey is over. Maybe it even looks like..joy? A smile pasted on so the world doesn’t see the hurt underneath. It looks like prayer, meditation, confusion, shock and awe all at once. Basically, all of this to say that whatever you feel in your moment of grief however long or brief it may be; it is normal. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Each individual person will grieve in his or her own way. So, please understand that just because someone isn’t grieving like you, doesn’t mean they aren’t grieving. It simply means each of you are grieving in the way that is unique to you. There will be shock, there will be numbness, there will be things that need to get done that you don’t really want to do. So, take moments for you to grieve, what ever that means for you.

One way to help through grief is knowing and doing some self-care, but sometimes that can go out the window because let’s be real, life can be messy and dealing with loss of a loved one and other family members can be rough when everyone’s emotions are spiraling. One way to help is to c create space where you can allow yourself to have your feelings around grief because having them and not judging them (regardless of what they are, even if they seem weird and off the wall) is going to help tremendously. And it might seem counter-intuitive to some, but sometimes sharing what you are thinking, or feeling (depending on what it is) can be something everyone is thinking or feeling at some point in time. This helps because it lets us know we are not alone in grief and that others understand. And you don’t have to go through grief alone, find a friend, find a support group, find a counselor you can trust, who won’t judge you for feeling angry that your loved one left you, or angry at yourself because you missed an opportunity to be with your loved one.

Find someone to talk with, someone who can simply sit with you in silence (it’s a lot harder than people think, but sometimes that is what we need the most in our moments of grief-space together). What do I mean by space together, sitting with someone in silence, allowing them to share, if and when, they want to without offering advice, or platitudes that even we don’t really believe. Simply sit and listen, you would be amazed at what you can learn about others and ourselves. There are so many other ways of self-care, so even if what I have talked about isn’t what works for you, that’s okay. Do what works for you. One book I might suggest is Tear Soup: A Recipe for Healing After Loss by Chuck DeKlyen and Pat Schwiebert if you want more resources (and yes it looks like a children’s book, but it is not).

Thank you for reading!

Beautiful Sorrow

Nov 3, 2018 | abandonment, Blog, grief, Kristen, shame, Uncategorized

I have been looking at photography pictures and different photographers the last few weeks, which I love because each of their perspectives on people, things, animals, settings, etc. are all different. I found a project that involved filling people’s physical scars, from surgery, from stretch marks, etc. with gold paint of some kind. Similar to an ancient art of filling cracked pots in with gold to showcase their beauty.

I have been thinking about this idea of scars and suffering being filled with gold. I struggle with the idea that gold (or anything) has to fill, or cover, those scars or suffering. Because what is a scar? It is a healed wound. What I see instead of covering up those places of suffering and grief is allowing those places to be seen and the beauty that there is in our hurt places and not just our physical scars. This makes me think about an idea that there is so much beauty in our sorrow, if we will allow ourselves to experience our sorrow and grief because on the other side of it, we can see how it has helped us to grow. And, oh, if we can hang on through that type of journey, there is so much peace and joy there.

Why do we want to cover up? We want to cover up because the world has taught us that we aren’t worth it, that no one wants to be with us, that we can’t ever get to that place of being okay. And our wounds may be deep, or too raw for us to handle appropriately. And so, we cover it up, we pretend we are okay on the outside, when inside we are screaming out in pain (and sometimes that pain lashes out at other people), and sometimes we don’t recognize it. We think about what horrible people we are, or what horrible people others are, or maybe both, or how horrible this world is.

We all carry our own grief and sorrow with us; it doesn’t mean we have experienced a deep trauma like physical abuse, sexual abuse, loss of a loved one, been in a traumatic event like a car accident, etc. (although those hurt us deeply as well). We are truly still all little kids inside who are hurting and seeking attention. And we think that if we must experience pain and loss one more time, we won’t make it; so we cover it up, we hide, we seek attention from other people. When, really if we experience that grief, sorrow, and pain, then we can start to see the beauty of ourselves. Then we can begin to experience who we truly are, then we can start to heal those places.

Think about how much resilience and strong each of us has in covering up our grief, sorrow, shame, and abandonment. We tend not to think of ourselves in that way of resilient because it may mean how we have been in past relationships, or how we have been with our parents, or how we cope, but that is where the healing begins. It starts by recognizing how we have made it to where we are and why. The journey begins by figuring out the TRUTH about who we are, and that doesn’t mean platitudes, it means finding truth in what we believe. It means recognizing where our lashing out in relationships comes from, recognizing where our hiding from relationships comes from, where our anxiety comes from. It doesn’t come from this idea that we are weird, or not normal. No. It is because we are hurt creatures walking this world with other hurt creatures. It isn’t about covering up the pain with gold and pretending it didn’t happen. It is more about seeing the beauty in our wounds. So, if you are tired of covering up the pain, and want to seek out some true healing, then seek help with the person that is right for you. And if you don’t want to, then don’t! You get to decide and do what is right for you.

To Forgive or Not to Forgive

Nov 18, 2010 | abandonment, Blog, boundaries, codependency, cut-off, faith-based living, forgiveness, grace, grief, inner voice, self-care

I need to have a little chat with myself today, so I thought I’d invite you in to join me. It’s a little less strange….right? OK, maybe not, but humor me…maybe you’ve had this same struggle.

So most of us out here, regardless of faith or spiritual beliefs, know that forgiveness is a totally necessary part of having a peaceful life. Am I right? Am I assuming too much? Holding a grudge hurts the one who’s holding it way more than the one it’s being held against, I think many would agree.

So what happens when it is SO difficult to forgive someone? There is not a question as to whether or not they hurt you, it’s a done deal. Now what? Whether they are sorry or not, whether they intend to do it again or not….completely independent of the other person and what they are doing or not doing…can you forgive them, inside of you?

I want to give you a bit of a different perspective on this situation, to see if it can help you put your focus on the only person you can change, control, or have any real say-so over in this situation….you. It’s kind of a bummer to always have to focus on your own issues, isn’t it? I hear that! This is the time, though, when it’s totally appropriate to be “selfish.” See, I know the secret: changing yourself and what you do will actually change the people around you too, (sometimes you have to give it time.) When people have hurt us, that’s exactly what we want, right?…to change them. The paradox is that you can’t change them, but the only chance you have to influence them to change is to change yourself and how you handle the situation. (When it comes down to it, the ultimate goal is to be OK in your own skin, and not try to change anyone. Just live your life in a way that is balanced and peaceful.)

So what about this new perspective I have for you? I’d like to propose this question: You’re having difficulty forgiving, but what if your lack of forgiveness isn’t really about a fear that it will “give them permission to hurt you again” as most people think forgiveness does? (not true, btw.) OR, about not wanting to convey the message to them that what they did was “forgivable?” What if it is nothing more than a defense mechanism to avoid something else? What are you avoiding? Do you feel like forgiving the other person is like telling them that what they did wasn’t so bad after all or that they can do it again because you’ll just forgive them again? This is also a paradox. NOT forgiving them will ensure it will happen again, and not finding your own healthy boundaries with them is really the problem. Grace is the only real chance there is for changing the heart of the other person. Your hatred or unforgiveness will keep their walls intact.

But my point today is, what if it’s something else? Do you use unforgiveness as an excuse to avoid finding a better way to have boundaries with the other person? Forgiveness doesn’t include an invitation to do the same thing again. Forgiveness says “I know you hurt me, and I forgive you. If you intend to treat me this way, we can no longer have a relationship, but if you can treat me with respect, we’re OK.” That is a healthy boundary. We are not called to abandon our own feelings or open ourselves up to abuse. That is a lack of self-control. But there is a difference between that, and not forgiving.

Do you use unforgiveness as an excuse for not insisting upon yourself that you maintain good boundaries and respectful relationships? Do you hide behind unforgiveness so you don’t have to have difficult conversations? Are you trapped by the fear that forgiveness gives others permission to hurt you more? These are all illusions. It’s up to you to control your boundaries in a respectful, loving way. Not forgiving is focusing on the other person too much, being enmeshed with them, and it keeps you tied to them in an unhealthy way, even if you’re miles apart. It is also a form of judging them, and looking down on them. Instead, look in the mirror and the unforgiveness will melt away like warm butter.

More than anything, in the deepest recesses, I think being unwilling to forgive allows us to hold on to our pain. You may wonder why anyone would want to hold on to their pain, but most people do to some extent. Pain serves a purpose, too. It can be a protective wall. It can be an attempt to control another person. It can be a way to avoid dealing with it inside ourselves. It can even be an excuse. Or, have you ever heard of the idea that the opposite of love is not hate, but undifference? I think many who refuse to forgive fear indifference, or having NO connection to that person at all. Letting it go means finding new ways to cope, letting go of control, finding a new relationship with that person or not having a relationship with them at all (maybe even more painful), and leaves us feeling vulnerable and exposed. It happens anytime we allow our walls down. Finding a new, more balanced way to cope is difficult, but isn’t purging the pain of it worth the journey?

One last thing. A Litmus test. This is how you know you’ve got it; you know you have really forgiven. Can you think of the person who hurt you without disliking them or calling them a derogatory name in your head? What about if that person came to you and wanted to apologize, would you accept it lovingly? (Remember, that doesn’t mean you have to let them back into your life. Take that slow, and only if you want to, trust takes time, and only YOU know if you’re willing to give them another chance.)

There’s my two cents for today. I hope I listened to myself….I needed to hear it. Thanks for sitting in on the chat!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Grief, With A Large Side-Order Of Fear…

Jun 2, 2010 | Blog, divorce, fear, grace, grief

Although I admittedly have not read many of his books, I’ve come to find through hearing told some stories he has written (The Lion, The Witch, & the Wardrobe comes to mind) reading some quotes by him, and hearing his name here and there in discussions, that I probably would have liked C.S. Lewis a lot. I think he would have given me lots of things to think about, and great topics to blog about, too! Here is the latest quote I found by him that spoke to me:

“No one ever told me that grief felt so much like fear.” -C.S. Lewis

Wow, I really connected with that one. If you’ve been reading my blog for awhile now, you know I’m a truth-seeker, and I found a lot of truth in this one. (First, let me jump on in and give you some background, and then I’ll tie it all up at the end.)

OK, so, going through a divorce is really a grieving process, and I’m hear to tell you, it’s not an overnight one as you’re probably aware. I am actually starting to think that deep losses where no one dies, where those you love make a choice to not love anymore, just might be even more painful than losses to death. (It’s not a competition as to what kind of loss hurts most, of course, not at all. I just wanted to put it out there as food for thought that sometimes having someone choose the loss can make it sting all the more.)

Most big losses in life are grieved for an average of 2 years. Yep. That’s the bad news. The initial difficult part of the grieving can last for a month or two; but really the whole grieving process all together takes between 1-3 years, depending on the person and the closeness/nature of the loss. Knowing that does help to understand and give grace to someone who isn’t getting over something as quickly as one might think they should…including oneself, I’ve come to learn. This average of 2 years, though, is also the good news…I find it comforting to know that when I have a huge loss, it will eventually get easier to bear, and my heart will heal.

I can remember the day my heart broke…when I realized my marriage had very little chance of survival. Although I knew I was not done trying to save it, and I still had hope that it could be saved (and with both of us working on our own issues I believe it absolutely could have been; I am totally convinced that this really is the key to saving any troubled marriage)…my heart felt like it made an almost audible sound the minute when the reality of the situation sunk in…and it just shattered. I let out a tiny wimper, and curled up like a newborn for a soft, broken cry. I can still remember vividly what that pain feels like, and I’ll likely never forget it. Now, though, my heart has had time to mend, and I am so very grateful for all I have learned. I can tell you that the entire process has taken about 2 years, and that my heart is again filled to overflowing with joy.

Here’s where the quote comes in. That day my heart broke began a season of grief and pain for me…but that grief really felt a lot like fear! A large part of an event that one needs to grieve, after all, is change. Huge change. Unexpected and as-of-yet unknown change, perhaps. Day-to-day living changes in many, if not all, areas of life: financial, emotional, physical, etc. Fear of change, of the unknown, is natural. It is also sometimes extremely hard to accept that things will never again be like they once were. It takes time to process through it, accept it, and move through that difficult season.

Grieving a divorce is grieving the death of a dream, and it is very painful. Coping with all of the changes that ensue with that kind of event is fear-inducing. Eventually though, as the changes become “the new normal”, the anxiety decreases and so does the grief. It takes a lot of strength to face it, and even more to allow yourself to feel it. It’s difficult to keep moving forward, but if you can make it through each moment as it comes, you will make it to your milestones. (I have to give it up to my girl Beth Moore for that terminology, although she used it in a different context.)

Did you hear my latest milestone a little bit ago? I said ”my heart is again filled to overflowing with joy.” That’s a milestone for me…being able to say that and absolutely mean it. (Insert happy-dance here!!!) I had to make it through many tear-filled and fear-filled moments to get here. It can be done. You can do it, too. Just have the courage to feel it, ask for help if you need it, face the fears of change, and give yourself the grace to accept that it is going to be difficult and might just take awhile. “Difficult” is where growth comes from and growth is why we’re here. Embrace it. One moment at a time.

That’s my 2 cents for today. See you again soon!