Grace for… me?

Jul 5, 2018 | Blog, forgiveness, grace, infidelity, Kristen

Ugghhh… I wish I could remember the topic I had picked out the other day as I was driving home. It was awesome, but I can’t. I am only human. Wait! There it is. Sweet. I remembered (that’s rare for me)! Grace, or forgiveness without deserving it, for myself. Offering grace to myself is like telling me to put my own oxygen mask on before I help my kiddos. Yeah, it’s uncomfortable. (when I think about this, I usually tend to think of the plane’s oxygen masks and hearing the flight attendant tell me this, but I can’t find a decent picture to use for that example, so we’ll go with this next one). Think about firefighters and the equipment they wear before they go into the burning flames. Unless they have their own protection on first, it would be extremely difficult for them to save others, and if they didn’t wear their own protection, they may even get hurt. I often find it hard to give myself grace, especially in my weakest moments when the flames are bursting around me, when I need it the most. I was watching an old episode of 24 (yes, I am behind the times, give me a break!) and one of the characters commented about therapists and how they probably don’t even take their own advice, so why should we listen to them? Exactly!, I thought, exactly, therapists aren’t perfect. No profession is. No human being is perfect, including me. And you know what, that’s okay. It’s what makes the world interesting. Our imperfections are wonderful, you know why? Just because they are what they are, and they can point me in a direction of trying something I haven’t tried before, like offering myself grace for those exact imperfections. It doesn’t mean we can’t try to change, but we are still only human. I can’t do it all on my own, I can’t do it all at once, and neither can anyone else. It doesn’t mean I’m a monster, it doesn’t mean I am not lovable, it doesn’t mean I’m not acceptable. In fact, I would say it means, I AM all of those things, despite that time when ‘I yelled at my kids,’ despite that time when ‘I yelled at my spouse,’ despite that time ‘I had an affair,’ despite that time when……’(you fill in the blank here).’

I try to convey that to my clients too, that no, we’re not perfect, but that doesn’t mean we aren’t lovable, with the good, the bad, the ugly and everything in between. I think it’s a learning process, and sometimes something we have to be shown in order to show, yet, somehow, we are often able to show grace to others, but not to ourselves. What is our stumbling block with this? Is it how we’ve grown up being taught how valuable we are to people? And maybe we are taught we aren’t very valuable. Is it what we think of ourselves? Is it society taking this idea that it’s selfish to think about me first? For me, one of the ways to combat not showing ourselves grace is by admitting that we are not perfect with others who accept those imperfect parts of ourselves, to help us understand acceptance of all of our parts. The thought, ‘I don’t deserve grace,’ is what makes it important that I give it to myself. If I don’t give myself grace, how can I truly offer it to others? My oxygen mask has to go on first before I can put someone else’s on, before I can help someone else through their fire. Grace doesn’t mean giving up on trying to change some things about me, or my thoughts. Grace means I can try, but if I fail, it’s okay, because some day, I am going to fail because I am human, but you know what? Failing means I tried. What topics are difficult for you to offer yourself grace? What happens when you put your own oxygen mask on first? If you don’t know, that’s okay, maybe finding someone to talk to about it would help. Thank you for reading!

Marriage Killer

Mar 15, 2011 | abandonment, affairs, Blog, boundaries, codependency, divorce, family systems theory, forgiveness, infidelity, shame

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about victims. There really are true victims in this world, of course…people who have been negatively affected by the actions of others through no fault or no choosing of their own. People who died in the 9/11 attacks for example. No fault or choosing, they just went to work that day and their lives and the lives of their loved ones were changed forever. I think a lot of times, however, people can feel as though they have been victimized, not realizing that they really did have a choice. That’s the idea I want to challenge today.

Take couples where an affair has taken place, for example. Many times the spouse who was cheated on feels as though they have been victimized by their lyin’, cheatin’, backstabbin’, no-good louse of a spouse. This victimy mentality, that they had no fault or choice in this situation, is first of all, not the truth, and second of all…it’s nothing short of a marriage killer! This mentality will ensure that there is no reconciliation. Not only that, it will keep the would-be “victim” trapped in a painful, nightmarish personal hell, and will make them unable to forgive later, keeping them forever tied to the pain of the event.

This poisonous mentality doesn’t exist only with affairs, though. It can also be present in less obvious ways with more obscure painful events, but is still just as damaging and deadly to marriages. Some examples: perhaps a codependent wife feels victimized by her overbearing, self-centered, oblivious husband who verbally or physically abuses her. Maybe a voiceless husband feels smothered by his over-bearing wife. Folks that have shame issues feel like everyone else is to blame for what’s wrong in their life because admitting otherwise would be too painful to bear.

I would respond to this by first saying that if you are saying the words, “If HE would just…” or “If SHE would just…”, then you have at least some victimy feeling going on. You are being in one way or another….controlling. Sorry to be so blunt, but that’s the truth. You are objectifying the other person and trying to make them into what you think they should be/think/feel/do. This will keep you entrenched in a power struggle that is both counter-productive and extremely painful.

I would also be first in line to say that it is not OK for your spouse to be abusive, self-centered, oblivious, over-bearing, controlling, etc. It is painful and you have to have the self-control of good boundaries with people that are unsafe. That does not mean, however, that you have been victimized by them! To those of you who are married…no one held a gun to your head to force you to put someone who is so ill-equipped to meet your needs in charge of meeting them! You’re going to have to own the fact that you picked ‘em, and you continue to pick them. No one forced you to stay in this relationship until you are so filled with rage and resentment that you can hardly see straight and so filled with the pain underneath that you cry yourself to sleep every night. In fact…you chose this person sub-consciously to hurt you just like they have.

Blaming someone else for what has gone wrong in your life is all about walls and protection. If something actually is my “fault,” then I have to own it, change it, and worst of all….feel it. If I own my half of the problem, then I am admitting that “I did something wrong.” Particularly those partners with shame issues will have a very difficult time doing this. Their shame tells them that if they are found guilty of doing something wrong, they will no longer be accepted and loved. That what they were told growing up was true….that they weren’t good enough. That is very painful, (to the point where it literally feels like DEATH to your subconscious), to face. Their walls built to protect themselves will keep that from happening…instead they will come out, sometimes inside their own head and sometimes guns blazing, to blame anyone in their path for anything that happens that makes them feel that way. It could be any little thing that they perceive will signal someone to judge them. It’s not rational, the rational part of their brain is not the one running the show when they are doing it! It doesn’t make it any less real for them, or painful for you, though.

So you married someone who is going to hurt you the most. In fact, YOU YOURSELF WILL ENSURE they will hurt you by putting up walls and hurting them so they will hurt you back. That’s what love is to you. Sucks, doesn’t it! But think about how motivated to change you would be if you weren’t in pain….not very, right? How many people come to therapy because it’s so much fun? Zero. God, nature, the universe, whatever you want to call it…wants you to be healed and whole from the wounds you received as a kid. (This is not about blaming your parents for screwing you up, it’s about being real about what happened. Blaming is about shame, walls, and pain like I said.) We all marry people who will hurt us the way we were hurt as kids so that we will be in enough pain to work on it, heal it, and learn new skills where we are the weakest.

You have not been victimized. You chose the life you’ve led. You have 50% ownership of the relational problems, and you are just as unhealthy and unbalanced as your hurting spouse. Yes…you read that right….they are hurting too….under their angry exterior. See them for the wounded kid they are on the inside. Own your half, no more, and no less. Have good boundaries with those who are hurting you, ABSOLUTELY, but don’t believe for one second that it’s all the other person’s fault. It will kill any chances your marriage had, and will keep you inprisoned in your own pain.

Work on YOUR stuff, sweet ones. If you don’t, I guarantee you will either marry someone just like them and repeat the pattern again, or live out your days with a deep pain or unforgiveness that won’t go away.

Thanks for stopping by. I’ll write again soon.

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.

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Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

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Infidelity Statistics

May 7, 2010 | affairs, Blog, infidelity

I recently saw some statistics on infidelity in a magazine in another waiting room, and I felt compelled to share. The numbers were absolutely staggering! I didn’t check the scientific methods of this particular website, but just googled infidelity statistics and this is one of the sites that came up…check out some of these numbers, courtesy of a website titled, “Infidelity Facts” ( InfidelityFacts.com) The numbers are similar to the ones reported in the magazine I read. Take a look:
Percentage of marriages where one or both spouses admit to infidelity, either physical or emotional: 41%
Percentage of men who admit to committing infidelity in any relationship they’ve had: 57%
Percentage of women who admit to committing infidelity in any relationship they’ve had: 54%
Percentage of men and women who admit to having an affair with a co-worker: 36%
Percentage of men and women who admit to infidelity on business trips: 36%
Percentage of men and women who admit to infidelity (emotional or physical) with a brother-in-law or sister-in-law: 17%
Average length of an affair: 2 years
Percentage of marriages that last after an affair has been admitted to or discovered: 31%
Percentage of men who say they would have an affair if they knew they would never get caught: 74%
Percentage of women who say they would have an affair if they knew they would never get caught: 68%

I just wanted to share those figures, keeping in mind that the actual numbers are probably higher yet, given the nature of the questions asked…some of the folks may not have told the whole truth given the shame that can accompany some of the answers to these questions.

I thought that this might be quite eye-opening, to know that infidelity is THIS common. If you find yourself either having an affair, or being married to someone who has, the first step is to get yourself into the office of a top-flight therapist. (Give me a couple years, and you can come and see me!)

Marriage and relationships are tough. I know first hand! If you find yourself in need of some guidance, or even just a referee to call the fouls while you work through some stuff like an affair, don’t be afraid to pick up the phone or send an email and find a good therapist. It’s not as scary as you think…therapists are the least judgemental folks you will find. Thanks for stopping by!