Beware The Timeless Lizard

Oct 19, 2010 | Blog, family systems theory, fear, inner voice, Uncategorized

Imago Relationship Therapy (IRT) is based on the work of Harville Hendrix PhD., author of Getting The Love You Want, Keeping the Love You Find, and Giving the Love That Heals. For a simple definition of Imago Theory, try www.therapy4couples.com/imago-theory.html

I really find imago theory to be quite fascinating. It delves into and explains parts of the brain that we are not conscious of and how those parts of the brain can cause behaviors or exert control over us that we may not even be aware of: Why did he yell at me? Why did that situation make me break down and cry? Why did my friend, a seemingly sane person, chase their spouse around the room and punch a whole in the wall? The list really could go on and on.

So today, let’s talk about the brain for just a minute. It is totally complex and far from completely understood, and I’m far from an expert for sure, but let’s touch on a couple of the basics. There are actually three parts of the brain. The most primitive part is your hindbrain, which is your cerebellum, pons, and medulla oblongata. This is also known as your “lizard brain”, which stems from evolutionary terminology. This is the part of your brain that houses “fight or flight”, for example, and the basic instinctual stuff that keeps you alive: food, breathing and heart beat, body growth, and reproduction. It does it’s work subconsciously, and you may be surprised to know that it is also the most powerful, influential part of your brain!

The midbrain does its job automatically without our conscious thought as well. It is the second most powerful/influential part of your brain! (Did you notice that the two most powerful and influential parts of your brain do things that you are not even consciously aware of?) Among other things, the midbrain processes emotions and memories. I think the most interesting part about the mid-brain is that it is “timeless.” It can experience a memory or an emotion that happened years ago as though it were happening right this minute. This has tremendous implications for all of us. Think about it this way…do you remember how I’ve talked before about how people in relationships with us can hurt us the same way we were hurt when we were kids, and how if those wounds go unhealed, we will still be reactive to them? This is why. Our midbrain experiences those same pains and wounds as if they were happening the same moment as when we were kids. That’s what causes our over-reactions. Since the midbrain’s activities are subconscious, it also shows that we cannot control the emotions that arise for us. Keep that in mind as we move on…

The fore-brain is the part we all know and love the best…conscious thought. You guessed it, it is the weakest part of your brain! Explains a lot, doesn’t it? What kind of match is made with your fore-brain versus Lizard and Timeless? Not much. It can be taught, however, and it can have some influential power over the first two. It can make that which is unconscious, conscious, and it has SOME say-so over what, for example, comes out of our mouths. It takes a lifetime to begin to learn this art of influence over the other two brain areas, however. Since the other two are subconscious, many folks are just simply unaware that they are under their power, even though they are affected by them every moment of every day.

Now, doesn’t that make it easier to understand how seemingly sane folks can act so crazy sometimes? They are under the influence of the brawn of their brain: Timeless and the Lizard. Gotta be aware of the existence of that reptilian fella and his helper. We can use this knowledge to give us a new perspective on behavior, an enhanced understanding and awareness, of both our own and others’ behaviors. That’s what I like about imago theory. It accounts for all parts of the brain, and helps me understand things which look so unrational on the surface. It also helps me stop my own reptile-induced craziness (overreactions)! Lizards aren’t that bright, but they are powerful and can do serious damage! If I am aware of the timeless reptile, I can understand where my feelings are coming from and why they are so powerful. It also illuminates work yet to be done, and gives my conscious fore-brain a fighting chance to regain some semblance of control! And if not, I at least know why I was temporarily out of control. I was “under the influence.”

How’d you like that topic? I find this stuff pretty fascinating. I gotta give credit to one of my textbooks for helping me out (Rosemary Farmer’s, 2009, ”Neuroscience and Social Work Practice: The Missing Link”) and also a recent training I attended given by Dr. Bernard Baca, PhD. LCSW. You may visit his website at www.indiana-imago.com Off to do some more studying! Thanks for stopping by.

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

What Are You Ruminating About?

Sep 14, 2010 | Blog, family systems theory, inner voice

Today’s topic is about something that hit me while I was sitting in class the other day. The teacher said that she realized she had been “ruminating” about a visit with a client of hers for two days afterward. She just couldn’t get it out of her head and kept running it through her mind over and over. “Finally,” she said, “I looked at myself and said, ‘What’s going on inside me that’s causing me to ruminate over this for two days?’”

That struck me. Although the teacher did not answer herself in class, it sounded to me as though she began to realize that what was going on inside of her was not actually a problem she was having in dealing with a difficult client, but a pain inside of her. What was going on inside of her that made her unable to disconnect and let go from that situation?

I think we do this pretty often as human beings. We ruminate over problems or interactions with people that either are a source of conflict or that generate strong feelings. I think a lot of times what I historically do in this situation is look for the solution…how could I have handled that better, how could have the other person done something differently, etc. One looks outside of me, and one looks inside, only not very deeply. What I have failed to do in the past has been to look deeper inside of myself and see why this situation is churning me up so much. Instead of focusing on the situation or problem, I need to focus on my reaction to it, and the cause of that over-reaction.

It goes back to that family systems paradigm basic tenet that you must back up and look at the whole map so you can see what’s going on, instead of continually focusing on one small part of it. See the forest instead of the individual trees. I’m amazed at the paradox…how pulling away from something and looking at it from farther away (in other words, going into my own issues wider and more deeply) can bring the whole picture into sharper focus, and make the details all make sense.

What are you ruminating about? Is something proverbially “stuck in your craw”? Instead of looking at the other person, or pining over how you could have done it better, look for the cause of the discomfort inside of you. Why am I still thinking about this? What issues of mine does it illuminate? Where is the pain? Backing up from the details and looking at the whole picture will help. Getting an idea of the cause and understanding it will help lead you to healing those wounds.

That’s it for today. See you again soon.

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Do The 5 Love Languages Illuminate Our Issues?

Aug 25, 2010 | abandonment, Blog, inner voice, shame

I’ve been thinking about this blog all week. The topic is something that kinda jumped up unexpectedly into my thoughts, and now I’m thinking that I may use it as a research project when the time comes, for my graduate studies.

Awhile ago, I read “The 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. It is a great read if you find you are not getting your needs met, as it helps you identify, and then be better able to communicate to your partner, the most natural way you receive love. What’s interesting, I think, is that it seems to me that there is a direct correlation between what your love language is and where your most painful wounds are.

For example, I was talking to a gal last week who has a pretty decent case of abandonment, just like me, and we both agreed that “Words of Affirmation” is NOT our primary love language. We agreed, too, that when our loved ones told us something nice/loving that we didn’t, at a base level, believe them. We need to be shown by actions. The reason, I think, is that we were abandoned, so we learned that love has nothing to do with words and everything to do with actions. Our caregivers told us they loved us and then didn’t give us the attention we needed. The words didn’t match the feelings. It’s almost as if they were saying “I love you” and their actions said otherwise, so we learned that words are meaningless lies. It was not even true or what they were trying to do at all, but nobody said how kids interpret actions and words matches they way they were really meant.

For those who grew up not feeling like they were worth their caregiver’s time (abandonment), time is exactly what they value most because it’s what they wanted the most and didn’t get. We also marry folks who are not good at giving quality time, someone who doesn’t meet our deepest need. We love someone who loves us with the same deficiencies as we had growing up, because that’s what love is to us. It’s how nature heals itself, by repeating the same painful patterns so we can learn to deal with them.

I was also visiting with a couple of ladies who deal with shame issues. They both agreed that words of affirmation IS their love language! So for those whose deepest wound is shame (and hence whose self-talk tells them that they are bad), the way they most need to be loved is for someone to tell them they are great. They want someone to tell them what they wanted to hear most all throughout their childhood and didn’t…that they are really not bad. Yet those with this issue marry folks that have a very hard time meeting their need for affirmative words. See? They love someone who is weak the same place their own self-talk is weak.

It would follow, then, that the other 3 love languages have the same pattern. If the logic holds, then those whose primary love language is physical touch would have wounds surrounding not being held or touched enough when they were little, and they probably married someone who doesn’t touch them enough. Those whose love language is acts of service would have a past that included them having to do for themselves a lot. If someone didn’t receive special gifts very often as a child, their love language might be receiving gifts.

Many people would say that they have more than one love language, although one is usually the strongest. I would suggest that most people have more than one issue as well, and that one is usually more painful than the rest. It is interesting to think that the love language that we identify with the most could help uncover our areas of deepest wounding. As of yet, for me, this hypothesis remains untested. If I do ever decide to research this subject, you all will be the first to know!

Feel free to leave me comments that can confirm or deny this hypothesis. You could be aiding in a research project! I think next semester I have a research class. Looks like I have a headstart on my topic! Thanks for stopping by.

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Making Sure The Next One is Mr/Mrs Right Pt 2

Aug 13, 2010 | abandonment, Blog, family systems theory, inner voice

So, we left off on the cusp of a couple of pretty big questions and their answers. No more waiting…let’s get right down to business.

To recap, our girl Kim has some intimacy issues. She has an allergy to intimacy with someone in her family of origin (more than likely a primary caregiver or sibling), and she therefore has an allergy to intimacy within herself as well. We learn to talk to and treat ourselves the way we were treated growing up. Think about the voice that is your thoughts inside your own head. Does it sound like your mother or father? What about how you treat your own pain-filled heart? Do you ignore it with a thought that says “I don’t have time to deal with that” or “if I ignore it, it will go away.” Perhaps you silence it with addictions or cutting off some other way. Whatever the case, we learn what we’ve lived, and that’s how we treat ourselves. It is our normal.

I also wanted to point out here that everyone, absolutely everyone, has some level of intimacy allergy. They are our psychological walls that we create for protection. Issues of some kind are inevitable in everyone. It’s the nature of growing up in a sinful world. As we grow and mature emotionally, however, we are actually able to tolerate more and more true intimacy. (I’m talking about emotional intimacy, of which physical intimacy is only a part.) Our walls become more permeable, or come down altogether when we don’t need them anymore.

So, back to Kim. She wants to pick Mr. Right this time, and not another Mr. Wrong, right? When Kim goes out in her state of loneliness, with unaddressed issues since her last relationship ended, and tries to find someone with whom she can curb her lonely feelings, she will be attracted to someone who is not able to *in a long-term manner* meet her needs! (He will be able to do so short-term because of enmeshment). She has an unbalance in herself so she will (sort of subconsciously) only be attracted to someone who fits her issues of inner-unbalance. If you think about it like a teeter-totter…to the degree that Kim is unbalanced in herself on any given issue, she will only be attracted to someone who fits her level of unbalance, in whatever areas or issues she is askew.

Sounds a little crazy, doesn’t it? We aren’t attracted to those who can meet our needs, we are attracted to those who, underneath, inherently can’t meet them. Believe it, it’s the absolute truth. It stinks, but it is nature’s way of healing itself, and making sure we work on our issues. We will only be attracted to those who “fit” our issues, and our unbalances. So if Kim has an allergy to intimacy within herself, who will she attract, and who will she be attracted to? She will attract someone who “loves” the way she’s used to, and how she loves herself…someone who is not good at intimacy. That’s what love is to her.

It’s the law of attraction; you can’t fight it, and you can’t trick it. You will simply not feel any attraction for someone who does not match you in emotional balance. You won’t feel “a spark” for them. No chemistry. You’re attracted to who you’re attracted to, and if you’re attracted to them, that person WILL fit your issues! Change your issues, or balance the teeter-totter, so to speak, into a more level position inside yourself, and you’ll change who you’re attracted to.

So Kim, if she hasn’t dealt with or changed her balance of issues since her last relationship, is innately attracted to someone who treats her “normally.” HER normal. Her abandonment-filled, non-intimate, harsh, uncaring or unfeeling “normal”…how she is inside her own skin and matching her own unbalance. The normal of how she was treated by her caregivers growing up. It’s absolutely amazing how the brain works to pick people out who have their “teeter-totters” in like positions that complement our own, and picks them out to be attracted to and love. Works every time. Have you ever noticed that folks who break up or get divorced, if they don’t learn from it, end up marrying the exact same kind of person with a different face? That’s why! They haven’t changed themselves so they will be attracted to the same issues all over again.

This is the paradox that will help your intimacy allergy (among other issues) the most…the more comfortable you are in your own skin, the more you can differentiate yourself from others and develop a humble acceptance of who you are at a core level, the less of an intimacy allergy you’ll have. Seems backwards, right? It works every time though. It’s a balance…balancing distance and closeness with others. Get closer to your true self, and you’ll be able to get closer to others.

Now let’s look at the difference if Kim DOES address her issues before she looks for another relationship. What if Kim started to care about herself and make her own needs a priority? What if she stopped abandoning herself? What if she accepted herself, faults and all? What if she worked to grieve and accept her pains from her past, instead of ignoring them? What if her thoughts about herself became affirming instead of shaming? Do you think she would be attracted to or tolerate someone treating her in a way that she has worked so hard to overcome in herself?

If Kim begins to honor her own needs regularly, getting whole meals of attention from others and herself, will she continually accept crumbs of attention and a lack of intimacy from her would-be significant other? I doubt it. Not only that, changes in her subconscious (sort of) will automatically shift her attraction. An abandoner or someone who’s not very good at intimacy won’t “fit” her anymore. She’ll also have her eyes way more open to her new man’s issues. By looking inward for balance and healing her own wounds inside, she ensures that she will not pick another Mr. Wrong. She needs to remember that he will still be Mr. Imperfect, that’s just realistic because we’re all imperfect. If she’s more balanced, though, she will choose someone more balanced to love and to love her, and not Mr. Wrong all over again.

So the point of all this is: if you want to make sure you don’t pick Mr. Wrong the next time, figure out yourself and heal your own issues! Find your balance. It’s not about finding a guy who isn’t “screwed up.” If you’re unbalanced, you won’t fall for a balanced guy anyway, and he won’t fall for you. It’s all about “unscrewing up” yourself so you’ll be attracted to a more balanced Mr. Right! If he matches you, he’ll be attracted to you, too.

That’s long enough for today. I have a part three to this series brewing…what happens if I’m already married to the person who is unable to meet my needs, but I grow and get more balanced and he/she doesn’t? Now I’m more balanced and they’re not, and the attraction is fading. What then?

Tune in again next week for part 3 of this mind-bending puzzle!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Will My Issues Ever Be Completely Cured?

Jul 26, 2010 | abandonment, Blog, goals, inner voice

Recently I’ve been around a couple of dialogues involving this question, and I remember early on in my own couch work/education, asking my therapist this very thing. Having now done a great deal of my own recovery work, I thought I’d take a stab at answering it from my understanding/viewpoint. See what you think.

Abandonment. Shame. Counterdependency. Codependency. Rage. Fear. These are examples of some deep-seated, hard-core issues. I don’t particularly like these labels too much because giving someone a label can be shaming for them, or make them feel helpless to their “diagnosis.” Instead of a label, just think of these as vocabulary words. They are only words used to describe a condition to which one can be sensitive, or words which one can connect with some of the ideas/issues they represent. They are not meant to be a Scarlet Letter on your chest. I use them only to give a way of talking about things that are so very difficult to describe! Keep in mind as well that every single person alive has some sort of issue or “dysfunction.” It is not something to be ashamed of or a victim to; it is simply a reality because of the imperfect world in which we live.

Now, to the question at hand: if I can own/relate to the issues these words represent, is it possible for me to be fully cured from their effects? Let me apologize in advance for giving you an ambiguous answer: yes and no. Perhaps a better answer would be “no, but.” Let me explain, and hopefully it will help.

I don’t think a complete and total cure from the issues one develops in childhood is possible. That’s not as bad as it sounds, however, because of the “but”. The “but” is what therapy is all about, and I’m not talking about proctological therapy! (Insert giggle here.) OK, seriously. I’ll use myself as an example. I have abandonment issues. I didn’t get the amount of one-on-one attention that needy little kids require. (I personally believe that almost everyone has abandonment to some degree, simply because children are SO needy that no parent can give enough!) So will I ever be free from the effects of abandonment?

I cannot change the past and how my issues came to be, ”but” I can heal them to a degree that they don’t effect me nearly as much as they used to! I will always be sensitive to particular behaviors surrounding abandonment; “but” I have learned how to realize when my abandonment is triggered and not over-react to those triggers. Some days are better than others, and I am still susceptible to abandonment pain and reactions, “but” I have exponentially more peace, calmness, contentment, and acceptance; and I have healed a great deal of that pain through my work in therapy. The longer I live with the knowledge of my issues, the more I learn and the better I become at handling them, and they affect me less.

So although I can never be completely and totally free from my issues, I ABSOLUTELY CAN get to a place of peace and contentment about them, and vastly improve my weaknesses to them. I can tell you without a doubt that this process, although difficult, is worth every moment. It has strengthened every relationship I have, and most importantly (…and this is going to sound corny and psycho-babbly, but it’s true…) it has strengthened my relationship with myself….loving the person that lives in my head. How I feel on the inside has been positively affected like I cannot fully describe. Here’s a great analogy to close up:

Emotional pain and issues growing up “burn” your psychological skin. If you’ve ever been burned you know that it hurts pretty much all the time until it heals. It can be numbed somewhat with medications, (addictions) but in order to not need meds in ever increasing amounts, it will need to be healed. When the burns are hidden or not properly taken care of, they cause more problems later that will have to be corrected. If these burns are treated eventually, however, they can become much better. The surgery needed may be painful (therapy, support groups etc.), but the outcome will be a better quality of life. It will take time, and the new skin will be sensitive for awhile, but eventually it will be scarred over and healed so that the slightest bump won’t hurt anymore. Scar tissue will form and the wound will be healed better than it ever was.

So I will always have the scars of abandonment, “but” scars are not nearly as tender as a gaping, unattended wound. I will always remember the wound that caused the scar and may even have a reflexive, protective instinct around it, “but” it won’t hurt as bad if someone accidentally brushes up against it or even blatantly touches it. That’s the healing of therapy. You’ll always have a scar, so in that way you will never be completely healed, “but” it won’t hurt so much anymore and you can live more peacefully and healthily than ever.

There’s my rather long-winded answer to a tricky question. Hopefully that makes it easier to understand, and makes you long to heal your own burns. It’s worth every painful step. See you next time.

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

We See Things As We Are

Jun 13, 2010 | Blog, inner voice

I have another quote today that spoke to me, and I just wanted to say a couple of quick words about it.

“We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.”

– Anais Nin

Here’s another quote that has truth to it. That’s pretty much what it takes, after all, to have one of your quotes remembered as a quote, like this one…make sure it has truth in it. If you want to have your words immortalized, you have to make sure they have a deep wisdom to which others can relate. Some are better than others, and as far as recovery issues go, this is a pretty good one.

All of us have a filter, or lens, through which we see everything. We encounter every and all manner of things and run it through the filter of our “truths”. I find that to be a very valuable part of therapy….to have the same criteria/experience etc. run through the filter of someone else who is unbiased and unemotional about it. Then the therapist can tell us the shade and shape of our filter. It shows us where the actual truth of the situation is tainted by our filters (i.e. wounds, triangles, enmeshment, cutoff, and more.) Then if we view our reactions, and compare and contrast how they are unlike a dispassionate reaction to the exact same things, we can begin to understand ourselves. That is where the journey to healthy change begins.

It is wise to remember that we all have filters tinted and shaped by our experiences. These filters are necessary to learn and grow from experience, but they can cast an unfavorable (and sometimes an unhealthily favorable) view on things that are not really the way they might seem…the way they really are. If someone gives you feedback about how you are seeing something differently, pay attention. They are telling you something about yourself that can give you a sensitivity to a blind or blurry spot in your vision, and draw you a map to a wound that needs healing. They are also, of course, giving you insight into the shape of their filters, from which you can also learn…and maybe someday find yourself a truth that will get you a famous quote!

That’s it for today…I’m on vacation! Have a good week.

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com